by Ana Sparks
Chapter 18
Jensen
Guiding Ashley out of the room, I was startled to be stopped by the technician who had performed our ultrasound. She smiled broadly, clapping a hand down on my lover’s shoulder. Ashley jolted a bit, only just having come to her senses. She tilted her head at the woman, blearily blinking her weariness away.
“As you’re expecting quadruplets, you’ll want to check in more frequently. I grabbed some snapshots from your ultrasound in case you have some family members you want to show off to,” the woman said politely, her lips curled in a cheerful smile. Ashley hesitated for a moment before her eyes seemed to nearly bulge from her skull. She reached out, yanking the envelope out of the technician’s hands.
“Qua-quadruplets?” she repeated, as if hearing the news for the first time.
“Yes, honey. I know it can seem a bit overwhelming, but we’ll make sure you’re given the best care possible,” the technician replied warmly. “Since pregnancies like this are so rare, I have to ask if you used any sort of fertility treatment, or if you just conceived them naturally?”
At the mention of fertility treatments, my stomach seemed to tie itself into unpleasant little knots. Ashley didn’t seem particularly keen on responding either, taking me by the hand and all but dragging me out of the office.
The walk to my car was a silent one, but it was obvious that my lover had a lot weighing on her mind. I helped her into the passenger seat, bracing myself for the conversation we obviously needed to have. Her wide eyes were fixed upon me as I settled in the driver’s seat, and I turned the ignition just so we could have the air conditioner running.
“How on earth… We were having such a hard time conceiving! Now, I’m carrying four children with no idea of how to raise them properly,” she gasped out in a panic.
I tried to keep my composure, but the reality of the situation was quickly sinking its claws into me. The idea of raising one child had been daunting enough, and we obviously had to take our jobs into consideration. If there were now four children to raise, how would I continue running business as usual?
“This doesn’t make sense,” I lied, knowing full well what could have led to the conception of such a large number of children. The fertility drug I’d taken danced in the dark recesses of my mind, and it was all I could do not to lose my cool altogether. It would do little good while Ashley was already in full-blown panic mode.
“What are we going to do, Jensen? I can’t… There are going to have to be big changes in our lives if we’re going to be raising four babies,” she whispered.
“Well, one of us is going to have to greatly reduce their work hours, or quit their job altogether. You can see how that wouldn’t be possible for the CEO of a major pharmaceutical company, right?” I said firmly, refusing to lose my cool. Ashley glanced at me with bitterness in her gaze, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Well it’s not like I’m too happy about the idea of giving up my job, either! We can’t just go all or nothing, there will have to be compromises,” she bit out.
I rolled my eyes, not wanting to make her feel stupid in spite of how ridiculous her suggestion was. There was no room for compromise, couldn’t she see that? Without me, she wouldn’t have a job.
“You have to realize that a secretary position is much lower on the business totem pole. It wouldn’t make sense for me to give up my hours if you have time to take care of the children,” I argued, tensing my hands at my sides.
“I’m not going to abandon everything my father worked for over this. It doesn’t even make sense. We shouldn’t have conceived four infants.” I continued. Fertility treatment aside, the sheer number of babies she was carrying was astounding. It was difficult to fathom that my taking one dose of the supplement would have such a stark effect. We went from being unable to conceive at all…to this!
“I’m not saying you quit your job altogether, just like you shouldn’t suggest that I give up my career. We’re both responsible for the four of them; it wasn’t a one-person job to make four babies,” she hissed, seeming to grow more and more incensed. “For example, you could cut out your weekly business trips. You can’t say that they’re all for the sake of business—you know as well as I do that you’re prone to pursuing whims,” she added, crossing her arms.
Gripping the steering wheel tightly in my hands, I shifted into gear and began to back out of the parking lot. How dare she accuse me of wasting time with pointless whims? I hadn’t gotten as far as I had through whims! I became the CEO of GlobaPharm based on hard work and my merits.
“I suppose you wouldn’t really understand how difficult a job is when you have to do more than just sit at your desk and look pretty,” I said snidely, regretting the words as soon as they escaped my mouth.
Ashley looked at me through wide and wounded eyes, drawing her hands toward her chest as if to protect her heart. I parted my lips to apologize, but she began speaking before I could get the words out.
“I do so much for you, Jensen! You’re not exactly the easiest person to work for, you know! You couldn’t just pick anyone up off the street to deal with your moodiness. I went out of my way to try and be your friend when you were cruel to me, and I went out of my way to offer myself as a surrogate when you couldn’t find any other options,” she said viciously. Narrowing my eyes, I barked out a hollow laugh as I began to speed down the back roads.
“I wasn’t the one who was out of options. I wasn’t the one hopelessly in love with their boss. I did you a favor with all of this, Ashley. You need to remember your place—” I paused as she began to weep, the wind getting knocked from my sails in one fell swoop.
“You said you loved me,” she whispered, sounding absolutely betrayed. I hesitated, tensing my hands on the steering wheel before trying to reach out and take her by the hand.
“I never said I don’t. You have to understand how difficult this will be for me. I just can’t even begin to fathom how this happened,” I sighed, wincing at how tightly she was gripping my hand. There was an expression of guilt on her face, and I could only wonder what was making her feel so guilty. Then again, I was sure the same expression was reflected on my own face.
“Things will be difficult for both of us. Especially if you can’t even admit that I’m important to you, that I serve some purpose in your grand life. You made me feel special, but now I just feel like dirt,” she paused, tears continuing to trickle down her cheeks. I brushed my thumb to the back of her hand, anxiously gnawing my bottom lip between my teeth.
“You’re not dirt. I just…” I paused, realizing that I was taking my guilt out on her. My heart clenched painfully in my chest, and I pulled over so I could look her in the eye. She refused to meet my gaze at first, but I gently reached out to grip her by the chin.
“Let’s talk about this like adults and get to the bottom of it. Something had to cause the sudden spike in your fertility, and I have an idea of what might have done so…” I began, watching as her eyes darted from me, to her stomach, to the window.
My poor Ashley looked as if she had been accused of some unforgivable sin, and all I wanted to do was put this behind us and try to move forward. If I could just get her to accept how important my job is to me, if I could just explain where we’d made our missteps…I was confident we could get past this. I could only figure that I’d taken too much of the supplement, or that our case had been some strange fluke. It seemed unthinkable that a single dose would lead to quadruplets, but I couldn’t think of anything else that could have happened.
“I have an idea as well,” she admitted quietly, her voice sounding strangely hollow. She tensed her hands in her lap, refusing to meet my gaze. She seemed more upset than I’d ever seen her before, and I could only wonder if she had somehow found out about my secretive use of the drug.
Something about that theory didn’t sit right with me, however. If she knew about my use of the supplement, surely she wouldn’t have that expression of guilt. There was no way she
would blame herself for my mistake. Ashley was kind, but not stupid.
It was obvious that she had done something as well, something to contribute to this giant disaster we found ourselves caught up in. Releasing her hand, I drew my hands back toward myself, refusing to let her see that she had me unnerved. I wasn’t about to allow us to simply stew in our respective guilt any longer.
“All right. Talk,” I said firmly.
My lover turned to me with a baleful expression, and I simultaneously wanted to draw her near and bolt as far away as possible.
I only hoped we could forgive each other at the end of this.
Chapter 19
Jensen
Watching her with a tense expression, I waited for Ashley to make her confession. I could only wonder what she could have possibly done to trouble her so deeply, but she seemed reluctant to speak. I kept my arms crossed defensively, wound up tight enough that I felt as if I would snap at any given moment.
“Ashley, come on. You obviously need to get something off your chest,” I said coolly, watching as she wrung her hands anxiously. I wanted nothing more than to get to the bottom of the issue, and from there, maybe we could figure out the next steps to take.
She continued to fidget for a moment, glancing at me from the corner of her eye.
“All right, but try to keep an open mind,” she started, her voice quaking with apprehension. I hesitated, trying to keep the balance of give and take. Exhaling slowly through my nose, I nodded obligingly.
“I’m listening,” I said in an attempt to be encouraging. I felt as if snake-like tendrils were constricting around my heart, unable to reason out the fear in her gaze.
“When we were having a hard time conceiving, I was really upset. I’m sure you remember the day I lashed out at you for coming into my office, and…and you sent me home for the day. The thing is, I didn’t go home immediately,” she said, and I felt as if my heart would pound out of my chest.
“Where… Where did you go?” I inquired somewhat hesitantly.
Ashley inhaled shakily, obviously steeling herself. It looked as if she would like nothing more than to leap out of my car and walk the remaining distance home. She looked incredibly weary, and in spite of myself, I reached to take her hand.
“Well, I was going to shut down my computer and go home like you suggested. I just felt so awful, like there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was running out of options, and then I received an email about a drug the company was putting through trials,” she continued, staring straight ahead. It was as if she were afraid to actually look at me.
Fear was beginning to creep up my spine as well. Surely, she couldn’t have done the very thing I’d done behind her back. The idea would have been comical if the gravity of the situation weren’t weighing so heavily upon us, parked on the side of the road.
“It was a fertility drug, wasn’t it? The little green capsules?” I prompted, and her eyes widened considerably as she turned to look at me.
“How did you…” she began, trailing off into a choked out laugh. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Jensen,” she said, seeming bewildered.
“I can’t believe this. How could you have been so foolish to try a drug without asking me first? Did you not stop to consider possible side effects?” I demanded, trying to keep my anger at bay. She flinched, her expression growing defensive.
“You took the very same drug! I’m not going to let you pile all of the blame on me, not when you made the same mistake!” Ashley hissed.
I rolled my eyes, releasing her hand and drawing away from her. Truth be told, I wasn’t that angry about her taking the pill, though it had been reckless.
More than anything, I was upset that she hadn’t come to me. The whole situation could have been avoided if we had just been honest with each other.
“I’m not trying to place all the blame on you, but I’m not going to let you shrug off your share, either! Because we couldn’t act like mature adults, we now have four lives in our hands. Not the one child we had negotiated, four children! God, Ashley! It’s not even just their health. What if something happens to you during childbirth?”
“Then you won’t have to deal with my stupid mistakes anymore, I suppose,” she said quietly. She shrank away, wrapping her arms protectively around herself.
In that moment, it took all of my willpower not to scream at her. I couldn’t begin to fathom how she could think I felt so little for her. It wasn’t like I was using her for some nefarious purpose! We had come to an agreement, and we’d just happened to fall in love along the way.
“If you think that’s how I would really feel, you’re more foolish than I ever could have guessed. I guess you just think so little of me, that I’m some monster who took advantage of your kindness. Do you think I’ve been untruthful about my feelings?” I said, trying to keep my voice level. I only partially succeeded.
“You’re acting like our agreement is null since things aren’t going exactly as planned. I didn’t anticipate having quadruplets, either. This isn’t just some business deal you can walk away from,” she cried out, her voice hitching.
“No, but at least I’m trying to come to a solution! How do you propose we deal with this whole thing? You didn’t seem prepared to give up your job, but you expect me to sacrifice everything I’ve worked so hard for?! That’s not fair, Ashley. You know how much GlobaPharm means to me, my father put his soul into that company,” I argued, receiving a bitter laugh in response.
“If you’d considered your own feelings instead of obligations laid out by your father, we probably wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with,” she said snidely.
My heart felt as if it had been ripped out, and all I could see was red for a moment. How dare she speak ill of the dead, of the man who had formed the person I was?
Shifting into gear, I pulled back onto the road with a sour expression. I went a bit faster than was strictly necessary, mostly to spite her.
Ashley seemed to regret what she’d said, staring at me with her lower lip tucked firmly between her teeth and her eyes glistening. It was of little consequence; no matter how much she regretted the words, she couldn’t take them back. She tried to stammer out a weak apology, but I held a hand up to silence her.
“So you regret all of this,” I said coolly, keeping my gaze fixed on the road. She blanched, reaching out to me as she fervently shook her head.
“No! No, Jensen, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret us. I just… I’m so lost. What are we supposed to do?” she implored tearfully.
I hesitated for a moment, my jaw tensing as we made our way toward her apartment complex. I honestly didn’t have an answer for her, and I was sure she knew it just as well as I did. I simply tightened my grip on the steering wheel, turning into the parking lot. I refused to even cut the engine, trying to remain firm even as she wept.
“Go inside and get some rest. We obviously can’t discuss this rationally right now, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret,” I said, my voice strained.
She reached out to me, catching me roughly by the jaw and forcing me to look at her. I couldn’t find it in me to even muster a fake smile, staring dully at the woman who seemed intent upon tearing my heart to shreds.
“I love you, Jensen. I’ll never stop loving you. Please, we’ve both made mistakes, but you have to forgive me. If you don’t…I don’t know that I can go on,” she sobbed.
“I need time to think, Ashley. I just need time,” I muttered.
She nodded quietly, her breath hitching as she tried to swallow her sobs. She pushed the door open, clumsily getting out of my car. It looked as if she could scarcely support the extra weight as it stood, and I grimaced at the thought of her growing and growing until she came to full term.
Lingering beside my car, it looked as if she wanted to continue pleading for forgiveness. However, I offered her a wan smile and gestured to her building.
“I’m sorry,” she stammered.
“Go g
et some rest, Ashley. You’re going to need it,” I said tiredly.
She sniffled, but nodded and shuffled away from my car. In spite of my anger, I remained until she disappeared into the building.
Once she could no longer see me, I dropped my head and forced back tears.
I’d never felt so lost in my life.
Chapter 20
Ashley
The shared lunches and secretive smiles came to an unceremonious end after my spat with Jensen. In their place were looks of desire that went unanswered, a bitter taste rising in the back of my throat every moment he avoided me. I wanted nothing more than to grab him and shake him, demand that he talk to me and work through this agonizing distance, but I was afraid that he had lost all semblance of love he felt for me.
Certainly, it wasn’t love in his gaze on the rare occasion that I caught his eye. Jensen was worried, tired, and the fact that he had chosen to embark on a business trip in the midst of our feud was a bitter pill to swallow. It seemed that he had made his choice, and that my feelings and our future children were secondary to his job. I knew that the man I loved carried a heavy sense of obligation, but I only wished that it extended toward myself.
Perhaps I was being selfish. The fact of the matter was I knew that I had no means of tying him down unless he strictly wanted to be tied. Jensen Elliott was a powerful man, and when it came down to it, I was little more than his frumpy secretary. My good looks had faded with every pound I gained, my cheerful personality dimmed by the pain in my heart. As much as I wanted to approach him upfront and tell him how badly he was hurting me, I couldn’t imagine it would do much good.
Jensen had wounded me more deeply than I ever could have expected, the festering marks fresh in my heart as he flitted past my office to depart on his trip. I wasn’t just bothered by his refusal to acknowledge me, though that certainly played a part. I couldn’t shake the idea that I had been unforgivably reckless. It was true that I had known very little about those cursed pills when I’d swiped them from that lab.
