by Ana Sparks
At least Jensen had checked in with the lab technicians, had at least some confidence that the capsules were safe before he ingested them. Sure, it was foolish on both ends to use a drug that had yet to be approved for sale, but it was even more idiotic for neither of us to bring our brilliant idea up with each other. I refused to take all of the blame for the situation, as the genius CEO of the multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical company certainly could have thought to bring the suggestion to the table.
Getting angry was doing me little good, and it wasn’t as if I could address Jensen that day, even if the mood struck me, as he was off to some city in France to discuss a new business deal with one of his many international partners. Still, as pointless as my fury was, I could do little but leer at my computer as I waited for the day to come to a close. An unbearable number of hours remained in the day, but I truly failed to see why I needed to hang around when my boss wasn’t even present.
For that matter, I couldn’t understand why I remained, even when Jensen was in the office. It wasn’t as if he could look me in the eye. He refused to even speak to me, in spite of all that we’d been through together. Perhaps even because of it. I had been a fool to jeopardize my job for a fleeting infatuation, and I couldn’t shake the thought that we would both have been better off if I had just settled for a normal sperm donor.
The thought of facing him when he returned from his trip left a rather unpleasant taste in my mouth. Would it be more awkwardness, a refusal to speak to me until the babies were born? At any rate, it didn’t seem as if he planned to talk to me even after I’d delivered his spawn.
Tapping my nails on the surface of my desk, I narrowed my eyes at the influx of messages in my inbox. It would serve him right to lose me as both a lover and a secretary. While it seemed clear that he’d never felt as strongly for me as he suggested, I liked to think he felt some measure of affection of me. Clenching my jaw, I pushed away from my desk and stood up from my seat. My hands flexed at my sides, and I felt as if I would explode if I didn’t act.
Paper and pen clutched in hand, I stormed across the top floor to Jensen’s office. It struck me that I had ample opportunity to wreck the room and leave it in a total mess for him to deal with. However, even if he was apathetic toward me, I still loved the gorgeous man. I settled in his office chair and stared blankly at the sheet of paper I’d brought.
There was so much to say, but most of it would remain unsaid. If he couldn’t talk to me in the days since our falling out, I wasn’t going to bare my soul on a sheet of office stationery. I put the end of my pen between my teeth, gnawing anxiously on it as I tried to figure out what on earth to say. Would a simple goodbye suffice, or would I be better served by something with more vitriol? Deciding not to indulge that part of me, I jotted down a message declaring my resignation.
Staring at the paper and my distinctive looping handwriting that was at odds with the formal nature of the note, I exhaled a sigh. I rose from Jensen’s chair, reminiscing on the years I’d worked at GlobaPharm. It would be difficult to find a new job on such short notice, especially considering my looming need for maternity leave. It was just that I could no longer bear the long stretches of silence when I so desperately wanted to make things right.
Apparently, in Jensen’s mind, there didn’t seem to be a possibility of making things right. Though I wished I had more of a choice in the matter, I resolved to forget him as much as I was able. I walked back across the top floor to my office, boxing up a few personal items before deciding that they reminded me too much of the life and the man I intended to leave behind.
Leaving the box on the floor of my office, I walked toward the elevator and hit the button for the ground floor. It wasn’t time for lunch and it wasn’t time for anyone to clock out, so I had the elevator all to myself. It did little to comfort the crippling loneliness I felt, but from then on out I planned to live with my loneliness. At least…until my children were born.
The thought struck me that if I had no idea how to raise quadruplets with help, I would be even more lost on my own. It wasn’t my decision to make, though. I couldn’t force Jensen to be with me, even if he was the father of my children. I couldn’t force anyone to be with me. I had resolved at the start that I would be content as a single mother, and I sought to find that same confidence.
When I reached ground level, I walked out without another moment’s pause. The time for hesitation had passed, and I had no choice but to move on with my life. Walking the distance to my parking spot—a reserved spot that Jensen had recently put in for ‘expectant mothers’—I fought back the tears that threatened to spill over. I had done enough crying over this situation.
Squeezing into my car, I turned the ignition and felt a sharp pang in my heart as my favorite ballad, the song I’d mentally dubbed ‘our song,’ began to play from the radio. It seemed the higher powers were intent upon having a laugh at me that day. I turned down the radio, wiping away tears that I wanted nothing more than to banish.
“Goodbye, Jensen,” I said quietly, the finality of it all forming a deep pit in my stomach. I stared at the building a moment longer, remembering the good times as well as the bad. I wondered what Jensen might think when he came back in three days and saw my resignation on his desk, but I could only assume he’d be thrilled. Less awkwardness in the office, and he could move on to his next secretary.
Would she have the same chocolate brown curls that he claimed to love so dearly? Would she be willing to sacrifice everything to carry his child? I doubted it, but it wasn’t a thought I cared to entertain. I knew the man would move on easily, having his pick of any woman he wanted. Just the same, I wanted to pretend a little longer that he had actually loved me; that it hadn’t all been a farce.
I pulled out of the parking lot with a nervous churning in my gut. Was I really doing this? It wasn’t too late to turn back, not yet. I could return to the top floor and shred the note I’d left for Jensen quite easily. It would be back to business as usual—avoidance, bitter stares and an empty heart.
Deciding that I would rather perpetuate my misery at home, in bed, I turned the corner of the road. I drove until GlobaPharm was mostly out of sight, though I knew the towering peak of it would haunt me for some time.
One of many regrets to toss on the pile.
Chapter 21
Ashley
I couldn’t remember ever feeling so miserable. I spent the weekend curled up in bed, refusing to leave the soft comfort of my blankets unless it was to use the bathroom. I barely ate, couldn’t find it in me to push myself out of my funk. Bathing was entirely out of the question, and I nearly grew too weary to even move.
The shrill ringing of my doorbell was what woke me Monday morning, and I deeply considered ignoring the call. I couldn’t imagine who would be checking in on me besides my mother, and even she had been tainted by Jensen’s touch. More specifically, his mother’s touch—our mothers had hit it off instantly. I hadn’t heard from Mom since the spat with Jensen, and I almost hoped she’d seen the light and returned to me. It wasn’t that I had a particular grudge against Jensen’s mother; I just didn’t want to see anything to do with him.
My mind racing, I forced myself out of bed to answer the doorbell. Knowing my luck, it was some door-to-door salesman, or someone trying to save my eternal soul.
As I pulled open the door, I felt as if the wind had been knocked completely from my sails. My heart caught, skipped a beat, then began to pound in my chest as I took in the face of the man who had haunted my every waking thought. Though I had thought he was the last person I wanted to see, I realized how far from the truth that was. Jensen held yet another bouquet of flowers, and when he took me in, his expression turned all the more sorrowful.
“Ashley… I’m so sorry,” he blurted out, and I quietly stepped aside to allow him into my apartment. It was all I could do to keep from launching myself at him, capturing him in a bruising embrace and refusing to ever release him. I only registered that he h
ad apologized when he stepped inside and brushed a hand to my cheek. I swallowed a lump forming in my throat, telling myself that I would not cry. Under no circumstances would I allow myself to cry.
“I’m sorry, too,” I choked out, cursing myself as tears began to spill down my cheeks. He tossed the bouquet aside, then, pulling me in close and resting his chin on top of my head.
“I was so worried when I read your note, I came here as soon as I read it. Well, after picking up your flowers,” he trailed off, glancing at the discarded bouquet with a slight frown.
“I don’t need flowers as long as I have you,” I said quietly, reaching up to touch his cheek. I could scarcely believe he was actually in my apartment, almost certain that I was suffering from some sort of strange fever dream.
He rested his hand on top of mine, closing his eyes as he attempted to rein in his own emotions. There was so much I wanted to say, so much that weighed heavily on my heart. I knew he wouldn’t have come if he didn’t have something to say, however, so I remained silent and stared imploringly at his weary face.
When he opened his eyes, he breathed a soft sigh. He was obviously troubled, and I felt better knowing that he must have missed me to some degree. To what degree would become more readily apparent, I hoped.
“I wanted to take you to dinner and talk things out. I want to make this work, Ashley. Not just for us, but for our children. I love you, and…I’m willing to compromise,” he said carefully. I hesitated, looking down at myself with a bit of a grimace.
“I’m not really in any state to go out for dinner,” I said uncertainly. He smiled, brushing a hand through my curls.
“I reserved the entire Cerf Blanc. It will be just the two of us, no one to stare or judge,” he explained. I was stunned, and I realized in that moment just how serious he was. A pang shot through my heart upon thinking about the last time we’d been to the restaurant, and my mind flickered to the brief sound of the ballad on the radio as I’d pulled out of the GlobaPharm parking lot.
“I should at least shower,” I croaked out, and he nodded obligingly.
“Take as long as you need, I’ll wait right here. I’m ready to talk like adults, Ashley. I’m ready to be a real man,” he declared.
“You’ve always been a real man in my eyes. The only man for me,” I assured him, before grabbing a towel and making a beeline for the bathroom.
Stepping into the hot water, I tried to tell myself not to get my hopes up too high; tried to remember that he could crush me at any given moment. It was a chance I was willing to take.
When we pulled into the parking lot of the Cerf Blanc, only the most recognizable vehicles were there. The SUV that the head chef drove, the tour van of the band who had performed the last time we were here.
“You really went all out,” I said nervously, and Jensen grinned somewhat timidly, an expression I was unfamiliar with.
“I wanted to prove a point,” he explained casually.
I didn’t get the chance to ask what he was proving, as he got out of the car and came to help me as well. He gripped my hand tightly, refusing to let me go even once I was out of the car. We walked hand in hand into the restaurant, soft music already playing when we entered. I allowed Jensen to lead me to our usual table, my heart skipping a beat as he pulled a chair out for me.
In that moment, I allowed myself the slightest shred of hope. Perhaps his feelings for me had not dissipated altogether. Maybe they hadn’t dissipated at all.
Taking his seat, Jensen considered me for a moment. He nervously chewed his bottom lip, and I was certain that I had never seen his confidence slip to such an extreme before.
“So…” I began, smiling as the waiter brought me a glass of water.
“Your food will be out soon,” the waiter assured us, and I offered Jensen an inquisitive look. He smiled sheepishly, shrugging a bit.
“I like to think I know what you like, by now,” he explained. A breathy chuckle slipped past my lips, and I nodded my head in agreement. “You’re probably wondering what I brought you here to talk about,” he began, prompting me to nod again. “I wanted to let you know that I’m not willing to give up on you. I want to pursue this relationship as far as we can take it, and…I’m ready to give up all that’s necessary for me to be a good father,” he said with certainty. I tilted my head, pausing to thank the waiter as our food was brought.
“You don’t have to give anything up for me, Jensen,” I tried to assure him, though my heart was pounding in my chest. He smiled, rolling his eyes teasingly.
“You’re my princess. Soon to be my queen, it would seem. We’ll have our own little royal family to take care of, and…it’s not that I have to give it up. I wouldn’t do it just because I’m supposed to. I want to give up some things to make our relationship work. I’ll take on fewer hours, cut out the travel time and the business trips. I’m going to be there for our children, and I’m going to be there for you,” he said assertively.
I felt my cheeks grow warm with pleasure, though I tried to hide it by digging into my food.
“You don’t know how much that means to me,” I finally admitted, between bites. He quirked a grin, looking as if there were more he wanted to say. I tilted my head, somewhat taken with his expression of boyish excitement. “What has you so smiley?” I said.
“I decided on my way to your apartment that it would be rather awkward to go back and forth every day between our apartments. I wanted to take a big first step and…ask you to move in with me,” he confessed.
I must’ve looked shocked, as he made to backpedal.
“You don’t have to, of course,” he tried, but I leaped up from my seat, rushing around the table to grab him up. Our lips met, chastely at first but our passion increased quickly. When I drew away, both of our cheeks were flushed.
“I’d love to move in with you,” I whispered.
Jensen looked utterly delighted, pulling me in for another tender kiss. I moaned against his mouth, running my fingers through his hair.
“All right, then.” He held up his glass. “Here’s to the start of the rest of our lives,” he said with an air of finality.
I have to say, I liked the sound of that.
Chapter 22
Jensen
The next few months were some of the happiest of my life. Ashley’s move went smoothly and my apartment quickly became our home. The more time we spent together, the deeper I fell for her. I didn’t think it was possible, but I loved her more each and every day. The feelings seemed to be reciprocated, and I felt as if things were finally falling into place for me. I had never known how much I desired a proper lover until I had one and she was taken away. With Ashley back in my life, I knew I would never let her go.
We’d already scheduled a C-section for the birth of our children, having been reassured that natural birth wasn’t really an option. When the day came to head to the hospital, I could tell Ashley was terrified. Truth be told, I was rather scared myself, but I managed to keep my composure for her sake, not wanting to allow a sliver of weakness to shine through when I had to be strong for my princess.
Our hands were tightly clasped together for the drive to the hospital, and her entire body quaked from the force of her nerves. I rubbed my thumb against the back of her hand, glancing away from the road for just a moment to check on her.
“I’m scared,” she said quietly, fidgeting nervously in her seat. The scene reminded me vaguely of when we’d first found out we were having four children, though the fallout was blessedly absent. My only concern that time around was comforting her.
“You don’t have to be scared, princess. We’ve hired the best doctor in the country, everything is going to be smooth sailing, I’m sure of it. I’ll be by your side all the way, and in a matter of hours, we’ll be seeing our children for the first time,” I assured her, and I observed her anxious grin from the corner of my eye.
“All this will have been worth it, if they’re all safe and healthy. I’m still just
afraid that there may be some side effects from the drug,” she confessed. I tightened my grip on her hand, hating myself for putting that doubt in her mind to begin with.
“Darling, you know that the supplement was approved months ago. You’re worrying over nothing, my love, just please try to relax. I hate to see you upset,” I said comfortingly, and she leaned back in the seat, closing her eyes and steadying her breathing.
“Are we almost there?” she asked, her voice strained. Her free hand rested on the swell of her stomach, trembling vigorously. I drew the hand I was holding to my lips, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles.
“We’re here. Wait here and I’ll fetch a wheelchair for you,” I said hurriedly, parking in the nearest spot and rushing to get a chair to transport her in. She had grown huge in the last few months, and while she could still walk, I knew how quickly she tired.
Rushing back to the car, I threw her a stern look as I saw her making an effort to get out of her seat. I quickly rushed forward and helped her into the wheelchair and she sagged into it, struggling to catch her breath. I could only imagine what an effort it took to carry four children at once.
“We’re not late, are we?” she asked nervously, and I brushed a hand through her hair to comfort her.
“No, baby. Not late,” I smiled.
We were recognized as soon as we stepped into the building, and the next half hour seemed to pass in a blur as they moved us into a room and prepped Ashley for surgery. I could see her nerves working her over, and though I made my best effort to soothe her, there was only so much I could do. I sat in the chair next to the bed, speaking words of encouragement and comfort. She squeezed her eyes shut, shifting uncomfortably on the hospital bed.
