For Keeps

by Rachel Lacey

  Love.

  Unfortunately, sometimes love wasn’t enough.

  Then again, who the hell was she to judge? At least Crystal’s baby would survive. Merry had failed her own son so completely that Tyler had paid with his life.

  Her tear splashed onto Jayden’s cheek, and she swiped at it in annoyance.

  Sometimes she missed Tyler so much it felt like her whole body might collapse, as if she’d grown hollow inside until there was nothing left but a shell. Someday, someone might accidentally squeeze too hard and crush her like an empty egg.

  She pressed a hand over her mouth to keep from screaming, drawing ragged breaths until she’d gotten herself under control.

  “Hang in there, Jayden,” she whispered, then bolted from his room.

  The rest of the morning passed in a blur. Too few hours of sleep, bolstered by untold cups of coffee, left her bleary-eyed and jittery from caffeine. She powered through on sheer adrenaline, relying on the energy reserve that had carried her through many longer shifts on less sleep. The job had to be done, and it had to be done well.

  She’d finish her shift, then go home and collapse. Tonight she’d sleep like a stone.

  She saw Jayden through more painful hours, endless screaming, and medicated sleep to help him rest. She cared for a girl recovering from a severe asthma attack, a boy who’d burned his fingers roasting marshmallows, and a toddler fighting an off-season case of the flu.

  Her MedLink phone never stopped ringing, summoning her from room to room. Lunchtime came and went, and Merry had yet to sit down. She administered breathing treatments, changed bandages, and reassured frightened parents. By late afternoon, it looked like things might be slowing down.

  And then Jayden had another seizure. This time, it took almost an hour for the doctors to get it under control. Dr. Lopez added a new label to his chart: seizure disorder.

  Until his seizures could be managed, whether by medicine or naturally as his body detoxed from the heroin, he would have to remain in the hospital.

  By seven thirty, Merry was in the elevator, headed for her car. Halfway to the first floor, the adrenaline crash hit. Her knees started to shake, and she leaned against the wall to brace herself.

  She really should have taken the time to grab a sandwich before she left the hospital, but fatigue had robbed her of her appetite. She just wanted to get home, walk her dogs, and go to bed.

  Sleep until her next shift. She’d pay the neighbor’s daughter extra to come exercise her dogs tomorrow to make up for it.

  She shuffled into the parking lot, rummaging in her purse for her keys. Her head swam, and spots danced in front of her eyes. Whoa. Okay, she should have stopped for food. She couldn’t drive home like this.

  There was a PowerBar in her glove compartment, wasn’t there?

  She’d eat it, revive herself, and make the ten-minute drive home before the sugar rush faded.

  Where the hell had she parked that morning? She wandered around the parking lot for what felt like hours before she found the CR-V, then rubbed her eyes and stared.

  T. J. Jameson leaned against the driver’s door.

  * * *

  “What in the world?” Merry propped her hands on her hips and frowned.

  He cocked his head and smiled, that annoyingly charming smile that melted her insides and made her whole body buzz. “I didn’t quite like the way we left things yesterday.”

  She glared at him. “Why, because we didn’t end up in your bed? Or wait, that’s not what you wanted anyway. I can’t remember.”

  And she was too damned tired to argue with him right now. Her hands shook. Her blood sugar was low, and she might just pass out at his feet if he didn’t get out of her way.

  He shook his head. “Whether or not I want you in my bed is entirely different from whether that’s a good idea.”

  She pressed a hand to her forehead. “You think too much. Jesus.”

  “Don’t you think we should have a conversation about this? While we’re both clearheaded and calm.”

  “I am not clearheaded right now. It’s been a really long day, and I just want to go home.”

  He pushed off from the car and stepped closer. “You okay?”

  She put her fists against his chest and pushed. He didn’t budge, but she almost knocked herself off her feet with the effort. “Move. Seriously.”

  He gripped her elbows and hauled her closer. “You’re pale, and you’re shaking. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m exhausted and seriously in need of food. So please, get out of my way.” She shoved his chest again, with similar results.

  “Should you be driving right now?” He tipped his head and peered at her from beneath the brim of his hat.

  “I’m fine.” Or she would be, as soon as he got out of her way and she ate the PowerBar waiting in her car.

  “You don’t look fine.”

  “Oh, my God.” She shoved him again, and this time he released her and stepped aside. She tripped over her own damn feet and stumbled against the side of the CR-V.

  “Merry—”

  She threw a hand out to silence him. “Cut it out, macho man. I have a PowerBar in the car. That’ll raise my blood sugar enough to get me home.”

  He twirled her keys around his index finger and shook his head. “I’m driving you home.”

  “How the hell did you get my keys?” She stared at her hands, dumbfounded.

  “You’re a little off your game right now. Quit being difficult and let me drive you home.”

  Her head was starting to buzz, and whoa—

  She was in T.J.’s arms, wrapped up in his earthy scent, and wow, he was strong. She pressed her face against his chest and breathed him in.

  “Dammit, woman.” His voice was gruff. “I’m putting you in my truck.”

  She didn’t protest, which was probably evidence enough of her current impairment. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and let him carry her to his truck.

  I’ll catch you if you need catching, he’d said yesterday.

  At least he was as good as his word.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  T.J. set her in the passenger seat of his truck and tipped her chin up to see her face. “You okay? I’m going to drive you home.”

  She nodded, and her silence bothered him almost as much as the haunted look in her eyes.

  He went around to the cooler he kept in the back of the truck and grabbed a bottle of water, a stick of beef jerky, and an apple. He rounded the truck and slid into the driver’s seat¸ then tossed them into her lap.

  She glanced up, eyes wide. “Where did that come from?”

  “Back of the truck. I keep some essentials for when I work a long call and need to keep my strength up. Eat.”

  She picked at the beef jerky. “I’ve never eaten jerky before. Is it gross?”

  “Chewy, salty. It’s good protein.” He backed out of the parking spot and headed for the nearest exit.

  He would have asked how she made it through her shift in her current condition, but he already knew the answer. He’d been where she was, after running in crisis mode for several hours, then crashing hard when it was all over and the adrenaline stopped.

  “You wanna talk about it?” he asked.

  She took a bite of jerky and scrunched her face. “The jerky? It’s okay.”

  “Jesus, Merry, don’t be a smart-ass.”

  Her expression hardened. “It was a tough shift. I’m a nurse. It happens.”

  He turned left on Main Street. She wasn’t just a nurse. She was a pediatric nurse, which meant she not only dealt with pain and suffering on a daily basis, but it was the pain and suffering of children.

  “Where to?” he asked.

  “Home,” she said, then popped the last bite of jerky into her mouth.

  “I figured, but where do you live?”

  “Oh, right. 508 Peachtree Lane.”

  “Peachtree, is that off of Sturbridge Road?”

  She nodded, guzzled ha
lf the bottle of water, then started in on the apple. The color slowly returned to her cheeks.

  Good.

  They drove for a minute in silence, then she turned to him. “So why were you waiting outside work for me?”

  “I told you, I didn’t like the way we left things yesterday.”

  “But I don’t usually work on Saturdays, so how did you know where to find me?”

  Aha. There was the Merry he knew. The food was doing its job.

  He shrugged. “I called your cell a few times and you didn’t answer, so I called the hospital and asked if you were on duty.”

  “Pretty desperate to see me, sounds like.”

  Ah, yes, even her sass was back. And yeah, he’d been feeling a little desperate. “Not so much desperate as thinking maybe we needed to have a conversation about where we stand.”

  “Whether I’m going to sleep with you.”

  That one hit below the belt. “I’m a little curious, aren’t you?”

  She shrugged. “You know, you were probably right the first time. Best not to complicate things. We do have to work together, after all.”

  “True.”

  “That’s that, then. No more kissing.” She wagged her finger at him.

  “All right.” But now that she’d said it, he wanted her to take it back. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to lay her down in his bed and make love to her until they both forgot their names. He wanted to lose himself in her completely.

  “Gee, so glad we had this conversation,” she said, her tone artificially light. “Would I be pushing my luck if I asked to ride one of your horses again after camp next week?”

  “Not at all. You’re welcome to ride any time.” He glanced over at her, her pale face surrounded by that wild mane of curls. Somewhere since the parking lot, they’d come free from the ponytail she’d worn when she left work.

  “Thanks.” She leaned her head against the headrest and closed her eyes. “And thanks for the ride, by the way. I was running pretty ragged back there.”

  “You’re welcome.” He slowed the truck for the turn from Sturbridge onto Peachtree. “Do you need a ride to work in the morning?”

  She shook her head. “I’ll call my dad or Liv to pick me up.”

  “It’s no problem. I’ll drop you off before I head over to my parents’ for church.”

  “Church?” She flinched as if he’d offended her.

  “You’re not religious?”

  “I work on Sundays.”

  He glanced at her. “That’s not what I asked.”

  She looked away. “I’m nonpracticing at the moment.”

  “A nonpracticing what?”

  “Methodist.” That haunted look was back in her eyes.

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  She turned on him. “Let’s save some time here. The answer to that question is always going to be no, okay? That’s my house over there on the corner, the gray one with blue shutters.”

  He shrugged as he turned into her driveway. “Just trying to be friendly.”

  “Thanks again for the ride, and the jerky.” She waved over her shoulder as she slid out of his truck.

  “You’re welcome. So I’ll pick you up around six thirty?”

  She nodded, then hurried up the walkway to her front door.

  Frustrated, he pulled back onto Peachtree Lane.

  When they met, he’d judged her for her girly attire and loose attitude toward relationships, but Merry Atwater was no floozy. She spent her life taking care of sick kids and abandoned dogs, and she’d held her own at camp. There was steel behind her brightly colored fingernails. And she had a big heart she tried very hard to keep under wraps.

  Now he was left with the uncomfortable feeling that perhaps she was nothing like he’d originally thought. And he was a total idiot for not taking her up on her offer that night they first kissed.

  * * *

  Damn T.J. for forcing her hand. Now she’d gone and said there’d be no more kissing, which meant none of any of the other fun stuff kissing led to.

  Which was for the best, really.

  Sleeping with T.J. was asking for all sorts of trouble, and besides, she really did need to work on her self-control. This was as good an exercise as any.

  Groaning, Merry rolled over in bed and pressed her face against Ralph’s soft fur. It was time to get up and get ready for her shift, and she was still bone tired. As badly as she’d needed it, sleep last night had been elusive. She’d been haunted by Jayden’s screams, memories of his tiny body seizing and her pathetic attempts to calm him.

  And when she’d finally quit hearing his screams, she’d fallen deep and dreamed of T.J. In her dreams, he’d been in bed with her, gloriously naked and thrusting inside her. She’d woken in a sweat, aching for him and totally unsatisfied.

  All in all, a frustrating and less than restful night. She rolled out of bed and padded into the bathroom, then went downstairs to let the dogs out. She put Chip out first, since he was still recovering from being neutered and needed to take it easy, then kept him in the kitchen with her while Salsa and Ralph tumbled over each other across the backyard.

  While the dogs romped, she poured herself a much-needed cup of coffee. For almost the first time she could remember, she was not looking forward to work today. She dreaded the heartbreak of seeing Jayden and hearing those bloodcurdling screams that might just haunt her dreams for the rest of her life.

  Forty-five minutes later, she was showered and dressed, the dogs gated in the kitchen, as T.J. pulled into the driveway. Right on time.

  Dependable T.J.

  “You look about as tired as you did when I dropped you off last night,” he said as she climbed into the cab of his truck.

  “Gee, thanks, and good morning to you too.” She glanced over at him, then wished she hadn’t.

  He was dressed for church in khaki slacks and a periwinkle blue button-down shirt, his cheeks clean shaven and carrying the faint minty scent of aftershave. And dear lord, he was handsome. She wanted to crawl into his lap, to breathe in his scent, to take up where they’d left off last night in her dreams.

  “Didn’t sleep well?” he asked.

  “Nope.” She clipped her seat belt, and he backed out of the driveway. “Thanks for the ride.”

  “No problem.”

  “You go to church with your parents every Sunday?”

  He nodded. “Most weeks. Doesn’t always work with my schedule, but I try.”

  “You’re one of the good guys, aren’t you?”

  “Most of the time.” He said it with an edge that sent shivers up and down her spine. Oh, she wanted to see him be bad. Really, really bad.

  She clutched her purse closer and stared out the window.

  T.J. cleared his throat. “So, you’re not going to come out of work tonight looking like you did last night, are you?”

  Smart man, changing the subject. “Nope. And I would have been fine last night. I had a PowerBar in my car that would have gotten me home.”

  He made a sound that said he disagreed.

  Maybe he was right. She remembered the way she’d fallen into his arms and let him carry her to his truck. So maybe she’d been a bit pathetic last night. Maybe a small part of her had wanted to lean on him. To be carried for once, instead of carrying everything herself.

  A little chivalry wasn’t bad, once in a while. As long as she didn’t make a habit of letting big, strong, devastatingly handsome cowboys carry her around because she was too weak to stand on her own two feet.

  “Must be tough,” he said. “Sick kids. I can’t imagine some of the stuff you’ve seen.”

  She stared out the window. “You don’t want to.”

  “I lost a foal night before last. He was breech, and the mare had been laboring a while before they called me in. He was already gone when I got there, nothing I could do but help to get him out so that the mare would be okay.”

  “Aw, poor thing.” She looked at T.J. “Was she sad? Do horses feel lo
ss like that?”

  “Yeah, she knew. She cleaned him up and nuzzled at him for a little while until I took him out.”

  “What did you do with him?”

  “The owner and I dug a hole and buried him out behind the pasture.”

  “That was nice of you.” She turned back to the window.

  “Figured you know what that feels like.”

  She gasped as if he’d just sucker punched her to the gut, her skin prickling hot. She saw the dirt falling over Tyler’s grave, the stares, heard the whispers from the other mourners, felt the raw grief that had almost swallowed her whole. “Who told you?”

  She gripped the dashboard of the truck, her mouth sour. How in the world did he know about Tyler? Not even Cara knew.

  “Told me what?” he asked. “Jesus, Merry, you look like you’re about to be sick.”

  “I’m not… what? What were you talking about?”

  He slammed on the brakes and veered onto the grassy edge of the road, then turned to face her, his eyes dark and intense. “I figured something happened to one of your patients yesterday, so I was trying to find some common ground, maybe get you to open up to me.”

  The breath whooshed from her lungs. He didn’t know. He didn’t know about Tyler.

  “What did you think I was talking about?”

  Oh, shit. “I… no, you’re right. I did have a tough day with a patient yesterday.”

  He placed a big, warm hand over hers. “I’m sorry.”

  “This little baby, he’s been through so much. It’s hard to watch, that’s all.”

  “A baby? Oh hell.” He pulled her into his arms.

  She burrowed against his chest and breathed in his scent until the nausea receded. Then she cleared her throat and sat up. “It’s part of the job.”

  “You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t let it get to you sometimes.” His fingers trailed over her cheek, and she almost flung herself into his arms again. What the hell was the matter with her?

  “Oh, I’m definitely human.” And his fingers were definitely still on her skin, as every one of her nerve cells could easily attest.

  He moved his hand to the steering wheel and swung the truck back onto the road, and it took every ounce of her newfound self-control not to stop him.