Nightingale

by Andrea Bramhall

  Hazaar froze. “What?”

  “You heard me. Marry me? I love you, Hazaar. I want you to be in my life. Now, tomorrow, forever. Whatever. Just be with me. Be my wife.”

  “I can’t.” The tears fell from her eyes and dripped onto Charlie’s skin. Hazaar dropped her head to Charlie’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I can’t.”

  Charlie wiped her tears away, but Hazaar could see that she was battling to hold her own at bay. “I’m sorry. Forget I said that.” Her voice caught in her throat, and even though she smiled, Hazaar could see how much she had hurt her. She knew she needed to give Charlie an explanation, she owed her that much, but she didn’t know how to say the words. She didn’t know how to tell her that her future had been decided and that Charlie had no place in it. She pulled a deep breath into her lungs and tried to calm her racing heart. She knew she had no choice anymore. She had to tell Charlie and let her make the decision on the amount of time they would have left together.

  “It’s my father…” Hazaar started, and the words deserted her.

  “What about your father?” Charlie frowned.

  “He’s set a date.”

  “Sweetheart, I don’t understand.” Charlie stroked her back and waited patiently for her to calm enough for her to speak. “What are you talking about?”

  Hazaar licked her lips, trying to wet them enough to be able to say the words. She couldn’t look at Charlie. She didn’t want to see her own pain reflected in those blue eyes. It was too much. “My father has picked my husband.”

  Charlie’s hands stilled, and Hazaar felt time stand still. The racing heart that had thundered in her ears seemed to stop beating.

  “When?” Charlie’s voice was little more than a croak.

  “As soon as graduation is over.”

  “I meant, when did you find out?”

  Hazaar sucked in a deep breath. “The day my dad and Hatim came to visit—”

  “The day Hatim hit you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me then?” The anger was evident in her voice, and Hazaar’s fear grew.

  “I wanted to spend the rest of the time I have left, with you.”

  “The rest of the time you have left? Don’t be so melodramatic. You make it sound like you’re dying, not getting married.”

  “I’m sorry. I just wanted to be with you for as long as possible.”

  “So why are you telling me now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s been a month, Hazaar, and we’ve still got another couple of weeks until finals. So why are you telling me now?”

  “When you asked me to marry you, I couldn’t…”

  Charlie wiggled out from underneath Hazaar and climbed out of the bed. She grabbed a shirt from the drawer and pulled it over her head.

  “Baby, please don’t go.” Hazaar knelt on the bed and let the covers pool around her body.

  “Go?” Charlie turned around quickly and she stared at her. “Go? Where would I go, Hazaar? We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere!” Hazaar faltered under the anger that emanated from Charlie’s normally calm and unshakeable demeanour. She fell back and leaned heavily against the headboard. “Is that why you brought me here? Why you decided to tell me here? So that I’ve got nowhere else to go to?”

  “I didn’t plan to tell you here.”

  “Oh, so you were going to continue to keep this from me.”

  “No. I was always going to tell you. I was. I just didn’t know when. I didn’t know the best way to do it. I just didn’t know how.”

  “Am I so hard to talk to?”

  “No. I just didn’t know the best way to do this.” Hazaar’s voice faded. She knew that everything she said sounded cowardly, a lame excuse and a terrible way to treat the woman she loved, and she knew that nothing she could say would undo the hurt she had caused by maintaining her silence as she had.

  “Best way? You think there’s a good way to tell someone something like this?”

  Hazaar shook her head. “No.”

  “Then why wait? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  Charlie’s laugh was bitter and hollow sounding in her ears. “You think this doesn’t hurt?”

  Hazaar shook her head and let it fall to her chest as tears rolled down her cheeks and down onto her bare breasts. “I’m so sorry, baby. I just couldn’t get the words out. I just wanted to ignore it and let it all go away.”

  “This isn’t going to go away, Hazaar.”

  “I know.”

  “You’ve been running away from this your whole life. Now you’re out of time.” She shook her head, her blond curls bouncing about her shoulders as she sat heavily at the foot of the bed. “There’s nowhere left to run.” She stood and paced around the room.

  “It wasn’t going to be like that.”

  “No?” Charlie stared at her, and the twisted look of disbelief felt like a knife through Hazaar’s gut.

  “No.”

  “You’re going to stay with me? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “That’s what I wanted. I saw the future with you and me growing old together.” She longed for Charlie to reach out and hold her, comfort her and try to make it all go away.

  “Then why did you say you won’t marry me?”

  “Because I can’t.”

  Charlie slammed her hands against the wardrobe door. The loud bang made Hazaar jump.

  “Fuck.” Charlie took a deep breath and visibly tried to calm herself down. “We both knew this was coming. You tried to warn me from day one. This isn’t a surprise.” She pushed her fingers through her hair. “The one thing I asked you to do was to be honest with me. To keep me in the loop with what was going on.” Charlie swiped angrily at her tears. “Why couldn’t you do that for me?”

  “It wasn’t going to be like that. This last year, living with you, I knew that was the future I wanted. I was going to tell them no. I was going to refuse the marriage when he told me.”

  “Then why didn’t you?”

  Hazaar paused. Could she tell her the truth? Could she tell her all the sordid details she knew and watch Charlie beat herself up over it all again? She knew the guilt Charlie still carried over Gail’s death, and she knew that Charlie blamed herself for something that wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t burden her with more worries. The pain of leaving her was more than enough. She shook her head and went with the only truth she knew. “I’m scared.”

  “Of what?”

  Everything. Hazaar opened her mouth to speak, but the words didn’t come.

  “What are you scared of?”

  Losing the only person who’s ever loved me for who I truly am. Hazaar still couldn’t get the words out of her mouth.

  “Of your father? Your brother?”

  “No.”

  “Then what?”

  “You don’t understand. My family have―”

  “What? Expectations? Traditions? Will disown you if they find out? Will they be mean to you? Will your family be as cruel as Gail’s father was? Will your father beat me? Will he try to kill you?” They both shook as Charlie’s raised voice echoed through the room. Her fists shook at her sides, and Hazaar knew she was fighting back the memories.

  Hazaar shook her head. “No.”

  “Do you want to know what I think, Hazaar?”

  “What?” Hazaar’s voice cracked.

  “I think you’re scared for yourself. You’re terrified to tell them the truth and see what the consequences will be. And you know what?”

  Hazaar started to shake her head and then stopped. Charlie needed a reason. She needed some sort of explanation, and the truth would only make her want to save her. Charlie would do whatever was necessary to ensure her safety, and Hazaar couldn’t let her do it. She couldn’t keep her tethered any longer. So instead she kept quiet. Better she believes I’m a coward and that I won’t fight for her, for us. Let her blame me.

  “It’s okay to b
e scared. It’s okay to worry about how they’ll react. It’s okay to be scared that you’ll lose your family, that they won’t speak to you again.” Charlie sat on the bed and slowly reached for her hand. “I understand being afraid of all of that. But what you choose to do now, that’s your decision. Yours. Not your father’s, not your brother’s, not mine. It’s yours. I will support you in any way I can, in any way you want me to. But you have to make your peace with this decision in a way that you can live with for the rest of your life.”

  “I know.” Oh, Charlie, baby, that’s what I’m trying to do.

  “You know me, Hazaar. You know I love you and that I will spend every moment of every day for the rest of my life proving that to you. I want you to stay with me. I want to marry you. I’ll be everything for you. But you have to want that too, you have to choose me. Here and now, Hazaar. Here and now, you have to tell me that you want me too. That you love me just as much. If you can’t, if you choose to do what your father wants and marry this man, I will cherish every moment we’ve had and wish you happiness…” Her tears fell, her voice cracked and trailed away. “I love you so much, Hazaar. So much that I love you enough to let you go.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks and held Hazaar’s face in her hands. “If that’s what you want.” She kissed her lips softly. “But I love you enough to stay with you for the rest of my life, if you want me.” She pulled Hazaar into her arms and held her tight. “I love you.”

  “I don’t want to lose you.”

  “Then choose me.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “It really can be, Hazaar. It really can be that easy. Just tell me you love me.”

  “I do love you.”

  “And that you want to be with me.”

  “I do. But this isn’t my choice.”

  “It is your choice, Hazaar. I belong to you.”

  “I’m sorry.” She kissed Charlie’s lips, memorizing the softness of them, revelling in the way they parted beneath her own. She seared each microsecond into her brain as she held Charlie in her arms for what she knew would be the last time. When Charlie finally pulled away she traced her fingertips over Hazaar’s eyebrows.

  “You can choose me, Hazaar. I’ll never let you down.”

  “I can’t. I wish it could be any other way.”

  “Please don’t throw me away. Don’t give up on us.” She stroked Hazaar’s cheek. “Please.” Charlie kissed her gently. “I can’t beg forever. I just can’t.”

  “I don’t want you to beg.”

  “Then I’ll ask, one last time.” She knelt in front of Hazaar on one knee and brought her hand to her lips. “Would you please make me the happiest woman in the world, and be my wife?”

  One word. One single word would change her future. Everything in her screamed at her to say yes. To kiss Charlie, and make love to her, and live happily ever after. One single word. Three little letters would make it all possible. One single word she couldn’t live with herself if she spoke. She couldn’t condemn her father to death. Not for the sake of her own happiness.

  “No.”

  Charlie looked away, and it was obvious she was holding back more tears. “Then I can’t stay.”

  “Charlie, we’re in the middle of nowhere.”

  “I don’t care.” Charlie threw her belongings into her bag, pulled on clothes, and was out the door within minutes.

  Hazaar didn’t blame her, and as much as she wanted to go after her, she knew that letting her go was the best thing for them both. She curled into a ball in the middle of the bed. She had no tears left to cry; the pain was too great. And all she had left to keep her warm were her memories.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Pakistan, today

  Hazaar shivered on the cold concrete. She ignored it and closed her eyes, desperate for a little sleep, but the infernal dripping was driving her mad. She wished she knew where it was; she was thirsty, and every drip reinforced the need for water. She licked her lips and shouted, “Amira.” Her voice cracked, and the raspy call didn’t sound like her own. “Amira, please.” She coughed. “I need water.”

  She heard footsteps and voices outside the door, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying. She coughed and licked her lips again. Her tongue felt swollen, stuck to the roof of her mouth, and coated in the coppery tang of dried blood.

  “Amira, I need some water, please.”

  The door handle rattled, like someone was trying to make it turn. She tried to roll onto her side to see who was coming in, but the pain in her shoulder reminded her it wasn’t a good idea.

  The rattling stopped and footsteps headed away from the door.

  “Amira, please, no. Don’t leave. I just need some water.” She stretched her hand out toward the door. “Please come back.”

  She stared at her hand. Her nails were chipped and broken from her fall, the skin was torn, and the fingers were badly misshapen, whether from the fall or from Tazim’s manhandling, she didn’t know, and she didn’t really care. She wished she had something for the pain. And some water to drink. She was lying against the wall farthest from the door. The door was at the top of a flight of stairs, and she was at least twelve feet from the base of the stairs. It may as well have been miles, for all that she could consider moving.

  She laughed at herself. I’m losing it. She laughed harder. “Nope. I’ve already lost it, never mind losing it.” She laughed harder and grimaced as the pain in her shoulder and ribs doubled her over and brought fresh tears to her eyes.

  She placed a hand to her chest and felt her pendant lying above her heart. “I miss you.” Tears welled in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She’d cried enough for the mistakes she’d made, and right now she needed to think.

  The door handle rattled again.

  “Amira, please, I just need some water.”

  “Water? Is that all you want, Hazaar?” It wasn’t Amira who spoke.

  “Abu, please?”

  “Please, what?”

  Hazaar didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what would anger him further and chose silence as her best option.

  He carried a chair down the stairs with him and placed it in the middle of the small, dark room. “Sit.”

  “I can’t. Please, Abu. It hurts too much to move. I need a doctor.”

  “I said sit.” He grabbed her injured arm and yanked her to her feet, throwing her against the chair in one fluid, excruciating movement. Hazaar couldn’t stop the scream that was ripped from her throat, and she fought to stay conscious. Black spots swam before her eyes, and bile rose in her throat.

  “We shall talk now, you and I, Hazaar. I am going to ask you some questions. Do you understand me?” It was all she could do to nod her agreement as he paced around her in a circle. She tried to focus on him, but it was too much. The circling reminded her of vultures circling a dying animal, waiting, watching, biding their time before they swooped upon the carcass to feast with cruel talons and savage beaks. “And you will answer every question. Do you understand me?”

  She nodded and a blow caught the back of her head, and her dizziness increased.

  “I said, do you understand me?”

  “Yes.” She let her head fall to her chest.

  “On the phone at lunch time, who were you talking to?”

  “I wasn’t—”

  The blow to her shoulder caused her to vomit as the pain shot through her body. “Who were you talking to?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “It was only a few hours ago, Hazaar. Just this lunch time, and I know you pride yourself on what a clever girl you are. So let’s not pretend. Once more, who were you talking to, and before you lie to me again, I want to tell you that I have checked who the call was made to. I rang the number myself.”

  “Then why are you even bothering to ask?”

  “So that I know just how much of a lying whore you really are.”

  She looked up at him, and she knew there was
no way he was going to let her out of the cellar alive. Her answers, no matter what they were, wouldn’t change that. She had no chance of convincing him that she was innocent, because she wasn’t and they both knew it. The only thing her answers could affect was her daughter’s future. She needed to give her the chance at the best possible future she could have. And if there was any way possible to hasten the end of her own misery, well, that would be a bonus.

  “I was calling the British Embassy, my wonderful Abu.” She sneered at him.

  “Insolent bitch.” He slapped her hard across the face and her eyes watered. “Did they tell you that they can do nothing for you? Did they tell you that you are his wife and there is nothing, not one single thing, that they can or will do about it?”

  She licked the split on her lip and spat the blood onto the floor beside her. That didn’t exactly match what Charlie had said, but for the time being it amounted to the same thing. They couldn’t help her until she could get out of here and make a formal request for help. “That’s what they told me.”

  The spreading grin on his face told her she had said the right thing. She wanted to laugh. There’s a first time for everything after all.

  “And so now you are stuck here. With my son. With me.”

  She watched the grin on his face turn to a leer and her skin crawled. She had always hated the way he watched her. It made her feel dirty, and today was no exception. She wanted to ask where Yasar was. If it had been hours since she had been in the cellar, why wasn’t he home?

  “You are truly a filthy whore, aren’t you? Charlie, my love.” He mimicked her voice. “The idea, the thoughts, those words put into the heads of good men. Putting temptation in the paths of good Muslim men with your Western, bastardized ideas of what a good Muslim woman should be.” He squatted in front of her and lifted the hem of her dress till it rested on her knees. “My boy should have been the only man to see these legs.” She tried to push him away as he stroked her calf. “He should have been the only man to touch this skin.”

  “Stop it.” She slapped at his hand as he caressed her knee. “Until this very second, no man but your son has ever touched me.”