Changing with Families - A Book About Further Education For Being Human

by Richard Bandler

  content, a system which has, and can continue, to use effectively the patterns of coping which they, themselves, have established. The outcome which delights us the most is a family therapy session which ends with the members understanding the process which occurred in it (thereby determining the direction for continued change by identifying the next step) and explicitly learning the tools/ skills/steps in the process. Such a session affords us the opportunity provided by the experience of entering a room with closed windows, opening the windows and discovering yet another room with closed windows but also with the keys (tools) needed to enter the next one and the next one.

  Getting Feedback from Family Members

  Consistent with the principles of acting as a model for effective, clear communication, is the therapist's recognition that the process of feedback in an open system flows in both directions; thus, he insures that each and every family member has the opportunity to comment on his experience of the process of the therapeutic session. At the same time, of course, this checking-out with each family member allows the therapist and the other family members to comprehend the changes they have begun, to understand the way in which they can make meaning out of the process which they have been experiencing in the session, and to appreciate how they have learned the tools of the process of change. During this time, in addition to commenting on the session, the individual family members have the opportunity to ask questions to clarify portions of their experience which they do not fully understand, thus making available to them the tools which they need for further growth, and, thereby, breaking the last of their old rules. This activity also provides the therapist with a chance to help them to make sense out of their experience of the process of change in which they have involved themselves, and, further, allows him to change and to understand the new choices now available for himself. If we finish a session and have failed to learn something from it, we take it as a message that, somehow, we were out of tune with this family.

  Homework

  The process of change and growth for the family which begins in the therapeutic session does not stop when the session comes to an end. As the family returns to their home, the experiences which they created with the therapist in the family therapy session serve as a model for further change. One of the things which the therapist strives to accomplish in his review is to present the process of change which was begun in the session in such a way that the next step in the ongoing process is apparent; thus, the family will be conscious of how they may choose to continue their growth after the session.

  We have distinguished three kinds of homework assignments which we have found useful in our family therapy work. The first assignment is for the family to set aside a specific time and place in their home wherein they can practice what we call interrupt signals. When the family leaves the therapeutic session, no matter how effective, dramatic and far-reaching are the changes which they succeeded in making, they return to an environment which is associated in their experience with the patterns of calibrated communication which they are changing. The physical surroundings, alone, are a powerful stimulus for the re-activation of the cycles which have caused them so much pain and dissatisfaction in the past. In addition to the tangible environment, the experiences associated with work and school, and the everyday activities of daily life today, conspire to activate the old destructive patterns. Interrupt signals are cues upon which the family members agree (usually selected by them just prior to ending a therapeutic session) and which any member of the family may use whenever he detects one of the patterns of calibrated communication which they have been working to change. The therapist should be alert to assist the family members in selecting appropriate signals. These cues are chosen by considering:

  a) The calibration pattern to be interrupted;

  b) The capabilities of the family members involved.

  For example, if the pattern to be interrupted is one in which a family member refuses to listen to the other members of the family, then an interrupt signal which is auditory will fail to be effective, while a kinesthetic and/or visual signal would be appropriate. An example of the way the therapist should consider the capabilities of the individual family members is the one which we use in families with children. We have found it more effective to plan interrupt signals which do not depend upon verbal skills. In our experience, the use of sculpturing postures as an interrupt signal for families with youngsters has been very effective. We have found that this cue, once properly selected, must be practiced by the family. By setting aside a specific time and place for practice in interrupting the destructive patterns, the family members are more likely to be able to use them effectively under stress, when they are actually needed. The practice sessions for interrupt signals can provide an occasion for fun and laughter for the family when approached as a form of entertainment or as a game.

  The second class of homework is scheduled times and places for the family members to practice the specific forms of feedback which they have developed in the therapeutic session to replace the calibrated communication loops which they succeeded in changing. During these sessions, the family members create, by acting out experiences which were formerly connected with the calibration loops, by fantasy role-playing (fantasizing, and then presenting situations in which the family members can imagine the former calibration loops' being activated), or by any other means which they are able to develop so that they can give each other feedback. We suggest to families that, during these exercises, one of the family members not involve himself directly in the feedback exercise, but, at its conclusion, offer feedback to the other members who were directly interacting and providing simultaneous feedback. This outside member also has the agreed-upon authority to stop the exercise if he decides that the feedback is being changed once again into a form of calibrated communication.

  The third kind of homework which we have found useful is scheduled sessions in which the family explicitly review the tools/skills/steps in the process of change in which they are all involved. This kind of exercise is different from the second kind in that the family members are not practicing specific kinds of feedback in specific kinds of situations, but, rather, they are identifying and using the techniques of change at the level of coping. For example, the family might discuss and role-play the way in which they, along with the therapist, discovered and broke a calibrated communication loop in their last therapeutic session. Then, the family members apply the specific process steps which they have identified in that experience to their ongoing interaction since the last therapeutic session, attempting to become aware of, and break, additional calibrated loops. Again, in this type of exercise, we suggest that one of the family members remain outside of direct involvement in the process for control over the whole. This kind of exercise is designed explicitly to continue the process of change, and to give the family members the skills they need to open up their present system. We call this the process of becoming congruent — the process in which people who formerly felt compelled now feel free to choose. Risk-taking becomes the order of the day; the opportunity to try new things is shared, when love, caring, excitement — all become a part of what we believe is the ultimate meaning of living.

  SUMMARY

  We have stated time and again, in as many ways as were appropriate for this book, that the overall task of the family therapist is to assist the family members in transforming compulsive patterns of behavior into patterns of choice — choices of open, creative behavior. We have presented many patterns which we hope each of you, as

  family therapists, will find useful in your work. In this first volume, we have limited ourselves to the minimum patterns which we felt are necessary for effective, dynamic family therapy. The more advanced patterns — including the meta patterns — we hope to make the subject of Volume II. One of the meta patterns — the structure of the way in which the patterns themselves can be organized — is the way that the patterns we have presented in this volume may be sequenced for eff
ective therapy. The basic structure of Part II of this volume is one such meta pattern, the natural grouping of the patterns of Part I under the headings of:

  I. Gathering Information

  II. Transforming the System

  III. Consolidating Changes

  We offer one additional meta pattern (represented visually on pages 174 and 175) which we have found to be very effective. This meta pattern is fully consistent with the meta pattern presented above. This meta pattern has the following steps:

  1. The therapist contacts each family member;

  2. The therapist acts as a translator for the family members;

  3. The therapist assists the family members in making contact directly among themselves.

  We invite the reader to sort for himself into the three stages of this meta pattern those patterns identified in Part I.

  Epilogue

  In this book, we have emphasized the factors of change and the process for how to use them, as we understand them. We want to make it very clear that this process would be an inhuman endeavor without human caring and empathy, and without an eye to the soul and person of the individual in front of you as well as yourself. Refining the ability to find and discriminately use the parts of the change process which we have described will greatly enhance your understanding, and will help you to engage more economically in a productive, therapeutic adventure. Without the humanity, it becomes just plain brainwashing.

  Further Reading

  When we finish a book, we are oftentimes in the mood for exploring a little further and maybe reaching into some adjoining areas.

  If that is now true for you, here are some other books and films to explore.

  Barbach, Lonnie G., For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality. New York: Doubleday & Co., Inc., 1976.

  Bernhard, Yetta. How to Be Somebody, Open the Door to Personal Growth. Millbrae, Calif.: Celestial Arts, 1975 (paperback).

  Bernhard, Yetta. Self-Care. Millbrae, Calif.: Celestial Arts, 1975.

  Birdwhistell, Ray L. Kinesics and Context, Essays on Body Motion Communication. New York: Ballantine Books, Inc., 1970.

  Brooks, Charles V. W. Sensory Awareness. New York: The Viking Press, 1975.

  Drakeford, John W. Do You Hear Me, Honey? New York: Harper & Row, 1976.

  Huxley, Laura. You Are Not the Target. New York: Faw-cett World Library, 1965 (paperback).

  Luthman, Shirley, with Martin Kirschenbaum. The Dynamic Family. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1975. Also available in Swedish, Dutch, Danish and German.

  Lyon, Harold C, Jr. It's Me and I'm Here. New York: Delacorte Press, 1974.

  Miller, Sherod (ed.). Marriages and Families, Enrichment through Communication. Beverly Hills, Calif.: Sage Publications, 1975.

  Missildine, W. Hugh. Your Inner Child of the Past. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  Nierenberg, Gerald I., and Henry H. Calero. Meta-Talk, The Guide to Hidden Meanings in Conversations. New York: Cornerstone Library Publications, Reprint, 1975 (paperback).

  Phelps, Stanlee, and Nancy Austin. Assertive Woman. San Luis Obispo, Calif.:Impact, 1975 (paperback).

  Rogers, Carl R. Becoming Partners, Marriage and Its Alternatives. Center for Studies of the Person, La Jolla, Calif.: A Delta book, 1972 (paperback).

  Satir, Virginia. Conjoint Family Therapy, rev. ed. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1967 (paperback). Also available in Japanese, Dutch, French, Italian, Swedish, German, Danish, Norwegian, Spanish and Portuguese.

  Satir, Virginia. Peoplemaking. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1972 (paperback). Also available in Dutch, Danish, Swedish, Hebrew, German and Spanish.

  Satir, Virginia. Self Esteem. Millbrae, Calif.: Celestial Arts, 1975 (paperback).

  Selye, Hans. Stress of Life, rev. ed. New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1975.

  Selye, Hans. Stress Without Distress. New York: New American Library, 1975.

  Simeons, Albert T. Man's Presumptuous Brain: An Evolutionary Interpretation of Psychosomatic Diseases. New York: E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc., 1961 (paperback).

  Smith, Gerald W. with Alice I. Phillips. Couple Therapy.

  New York: Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc. (Collier

  Books), 1973 (paperback). Original title: Me and You

  and Us. New York: Peter H. Wyden, Inc., 1971. Smith, Gerald W., with Alice I. Phillips. Couple Therapy.

  Dictionary. New York: Peter H. Wyden, Inc., 1975. Spitzer, Robert S. (ed.). Tidings of Comfort and Joy, An

  Anthology of Change. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and

  Behavior Books, Inc., 1975. Thommen, George. Is This Your Day? New York: Avon

  Books, 1976 (paperback). Tiffany, Donald; Julius Cohen; Keith Ogburn; and Analee

  Robinson (eds.). Helping Families to Change. Hays,

  Kansas: The High Plains Comprehensive Community

  Health Center, 1972.

  Posters by Virginia Satir:

  "Goals for Pairing" and "Declaration of Self Esteem." Celestial Arts, 231 Adrian Road, Millbrae, CA 94030.

  Videotapes by Virginia Satir:

  Family Therapy I: Family in Crises; Communication I: Lectures and Demonstrations; Communication II: Mini-Lecture and Experiential Examples. Science and Behavior Books, Inc., P.O. Box 11457, Palo Alto, CA 94306.

  Films with Virginia Satir as consultant:

  Insights (22 minutes); A Better Place to Stand (25 minutes). Manitou Programs, Inc., I.D.S. Center 49th Floor, Minneapolis, MN 55402.

  Bibliography

  Ashby, W. R. An Introduction to Cybernetics. Chapman and Hall, Ltd., and University Paperbacks, 1956. Bach, E. Syntactic Theory. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, Inc., 1974.

  Bandler, R., and Grinder, J. Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D., Volume I.

  Cupertino, Calif.: Meta Publications, 1975.

  Bandler, R., and Grinder, J. The Magic of Patterns/The Patterns of Magic. Cupertino, Calif.: Meta Publications, forthcoming. Bandler, R., and Grinder, J. The Structure of Magic, Volume I. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1975.

  Bateson, G. Steps to an Ecology of Mind. New York: Ballantine Books, 1972.

  Bever, T. G. "The Cognitive Basis of Linguistic Structure." In J. Hayes (ed.), Cognition and the Developments of Language. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1970.

  Castaneda, Carlos. Journey to Ixtlan. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1972.

  Castaneda, Carlos. Tales of Power. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1974.

  Dimond, S., and Beaumont, K. Hemispheric Functions in the Human Brain. New York: John Wiley and Sons,

  1974.

  Gardner, H. The Shattered Mind. New York: Alfred Knopf, Inc., 1975.

  Gazzaniga, M. The Bisected Brain. New York: Appleton, Century and Croft, 1974.

  Grinder, J.; Bandler, R.; and Cameron, L. Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Volume I. Cupertino, Calif.: Meta Publications, Inc., 1976.

  Grinder, J.; De Lozier, J.; and Bandler, R. Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D.,

  Volume II. Cupertino, Calif.: Meta Publications, 1976.

  Grinder, J., and Bandler, R. The Structure of Magic, Volume II. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior

  Books, Inc., 1976.

  Grinder, J., and Elgin, S. A Guide to Transformational Grammar. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston,

  1973.

  Haley, Jay (ed.). Advanced Techniques of Hypnosis and Therapy: Selected Papers of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. New York: Grune and Stratton, 1967.

  Haley, Jay. Strategies of Psychotherapy. New York: Grune and Stratton, 1963.

  Haley, Jay. Uncommon Therapy. New York: Grune and Stratton, 1968.

  Kartunnen, L. "Remarks on Presuppositions." At the Texas Conference on Performances, Conversational Implicature and Presuppositions, mimeograph, March 1973. Kartunnen has a series of incisive papers on presuppositional phenomena in English. We suggest you write to him directly at the University of Texas for copies.


  Kuhn, Thomas. The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1962.

  Jackson, D. D. (ed.). Communication, Family and Marriage. Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1968.

  Jackson, D. D. Therapy, Communication and Change. Palo Alto, Calif.: In J. Hayes (ed.), Cognition and the

  Developments of Language. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1970.

  Laing, R. D. The Politics of the Family and Other Essays.London: Vintage Books, 1972.

  Miller, G. A.; Galanter, E.; and Pribram, K. Plans and the Structure of Behavior. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, Inc., 1960.

  Montagu, Ashley. Touching. New York: Harper and Row, 1971.