Dandelion Dreams

by Samantha Garman

  Definitely conflicted.

  “I thought we got past all this,” I said.

  “Just because we talk about it doesn’t mean I stop thinking about it.” His fingers fiddled with a fly he was tying. I set my hand on his to still his movements and forced him to look at me. I brushed hair off his forehead and caressed his stubbly jaw. His vulnerability was a layer he didn’t show everyone, but he showed it to me. Or maybe he couldn’t hide it from me.

  God, I loved him.

  “What would Tristan and Reece say?”

  He smiled slightly. “Tristan would tell me to stop being such a baby. Reece…Reece would want to find out why I feel the way I do.”

  “Any thoughts on that?” I stood and went to get a glass of water. His eyes tracked up my bare legs before resting on my face. I was in one of his shirts; it was old and threadbare. It was the next best thing to wearing Kai.

  He shrugged.

  “Everything is going to be okay. You know that right? If this works out and you’re away for a time, it will all be fine. Your mother and I are learning to co-exist. You’re building a relationship with your brother. And you’re not alone. You have me.”

  Kai sighed. “How is it you know exactly what to say to make me feel better?”

  “I don’t,” I teased. “Half the time I don’t even know what I’m saying.”

  “Liar. You’re one of the most thoughtful people I know. Why am I so afraid?”

  “Because you’re human.”

  “What are you afraid of, Sage?”

  I leaned in to kiss his lips. “It’s two in the morning. Do we have to have this conversation now? Come back to bed.”

  “In a bit,” he said.

  “Okay, Kai.” I wondered if his insecurities and doubts would become too much for him, and whether or not his shoulders would start to droop like an old man’s. He needed to remember that I was there to share the load. “Just remember one thing.”

  He looked up from his project to stare at me. “What’s that?”

  “Remember that I love you.”

  His mouth formed a crooked smile. “If there’s one thing I never forget, it’s that.” He rose from his chair. “I’m ready for bed now.”

  Chapter 29

  Sage

  The sun hadn’t yet made an appearance when Kai kissed me on the lips. “I’ll be back before you know it,” he whispered.

  My eyes fluttered open as I rolled over and grabbed his pillow, hugging it to my chest. “Promise?”

  “Promise. Go back to sleep. I’ll text you when I land.”

  When I awoke next, it was late morning. I sat up, a wave of nausea moving through my belly. Just when I thought my stomach had settled, I threw up all over the wood floor. I went to the bedroom window and threw it open, closing my eyes in dreamy relief, breathing in a gust of cool mountain air.

  This is how it started last time…

  I tended to the mess, went into the bathroom and pulled out a box of pregnancy tests I’d bought a few weeks prior. My pulse drummed in my ears as I waited for the answer I already knew.

  I was pregnant.

  My first feelings were of elation, followed by a moment of sadness for the baby I’d lost. But it was not the time to dwell on the past. There was so much good to live for, and that realization hit me with the force of a tidal wave. I felt exhilaration and hope blast to the far corners of my heart. I was a goblet full of happiness ready to spill over.

  My stomach groaned in hunger, and I laughed, placing a hand on my belly and giving it a little pat. I went into the kitchen, turned the iPod dock onto shuffle and got down to making breakfast. While I flipped a pancake, Hall and Oats blared through the speakers. I danced around the kitchen, singing into a spatula. The music was so loud I almost didn’t hear my phone ring.

  “I was just calling to see how you were doing,” Jules said.

  “Kai and I can be separated for a few days,” I teased. “We won’t wither and die.”

  “Glad to hear it, but I really think you should’ve come to the city. We could’ve had a few days of girliness.”

  “School is in session. You have to teach, remember? Besides, I’d rather have you visit here.”

  I wanted to share the news with my oldest friend, but Kai deserved to know first. Shoveling food onto my plate, I ate as we talked. I let her babble about Luc, and Jules didn’t realize I wasn’t my usual chatty self. I was too consumed with thoughts of my own future. We hung up, and I went upstairs to get dressed.

  Reaching under the mattress, I pulled out the stuffed giraffe Jules had bought me. After I’d lost the baby, I hadn’t been able to look at it, but I couldn’t fathom the idea of throwing it away. Now, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. It was a symbol of the life Kai and I would have together. Setting it on my side of the bed, I swiped happy tears from my face and went to visit the plot of land where we would build our home. It was only ten minutes up the path from Memaw’s cabin, and when it was completed we’d have a panoramic view of the mountains. I coveted winter with Kai here, nestled on the couch, a roaring fire, snowfall outside our window, and his hand on my belly while we made plans. So many plans…

  I returned home early in the afternoon and checked my phone. I had a missed call from Kai, but when I called him back, he didn’t answer.

  Probably in a meeting.

  I changed into overalls and a large, floppy straw hat before going outside. I pulled on gardening gloves, found a spade and lost myself in the smell of dirt and the sounds of nature.

  It was late afternoon when my phone buzzed. I was in the middle of digging a hole, but I managed to fish my cell out of the front pocket of my overalls. I pressed talk and put Kai on speaker.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, my gorgeous wife.”

  I laughed and then bit my tongue. I wanted to announce our good fortune, but I held it in. “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I’m having a cocktail at the hotel bar, waiting for Béla Fleck to join me for dinner.”

  “Shut up,” I said. “You live such a glamorous life.”

  “Are you okay with being arm candy?”

  “You know it,” I teased.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Guess.”

  “Walking around naked.”

  I chuckled. “You really think I’d do that?”

  “A guy can dream, can’t he?”

  “Guess again.”

  “I don’t know—cleaning?”

  “I’d be more inclined to walk around naked.”

  He laughed. “I know. You’re a terrible housekeeper. You spill things.”

  “That I do,” I admitted. “So are you ready to know what I’m doing?”

  “Enlighten me.”

  “I’m gardening.”

  There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “Can you repeat that? It sounded like you said you were gardening?”

  “Yep. I’m wearing overalls and a big straw hat.”

  “Yeah, I’m going to need physical confirmation of that.”

  “I’ll send you a picture.”

  “Since when do you garden?”

  “Since today.”

  “What are you planting?”

  “Nothing. I’m turning the soil and burying eggshells. Getting it ready for spring.”

  “I don’t even know what to say right now. When did you learn how to keep a garden?”

  “I bought a book. Gardening for Dummies.”

  “Really?”

  I grinned even though he couldn’t see. “No.”

  “You’re adorable.”

  “Right back at you.”

  There was a muffled voice in the background and Kai responded to it before saying to me, “Sage? My dinner meeting is about to start. Call you later?”

  “You better.”

  “Love you,” he said.

  “More than your mandolin?” I asked.

  “Maybe,” he teased.

  I was still chuckling when we hun
g up. I took a photo of my outfit and sent it to him, hoping it made him laugh. I spent another hour outside until my stomach began to rumble. I cooked dinner, had an uneventful night of watching TV, and went to bed early.

  •••

  “Whatcha doin’?” Kai asked.

  “Attempting to get up,” I said, phone in hand.

  “I thought it would be relatively easy since I’m not in bed next to you.”

  “You would think, but I’m really comfortable,” I said. “When are you coming home? I can’t get a good night’s sleep without you.”

  “I have a few more meetings this afternoon, but I think I can change my flight to this evening instead of waiting until tomorrow morning. What do you think?”

  Excitement welled inside of me. “I think you should get your butt home.”

  He laughed.

  “How are the meetings going?” I asked.

  “Very positive, but I don’t want to tell you anything over the phone. Let’s wait until tonight to celebrate.”

  “Celebrate. So you must have good news?” I had some of my own, but I would wait until he was sitting in front me, and I could see his face when I told him about the baby.

  “We’ve got a lot of celebrating to do,” he said, his voice turning low. “We’re going to be up all night.”

  A hum of desire pulsed through my veins and settled in my belly. “I look forward to it.”

  “Love you,” he said. “I’ll call when I land.”

  I decided to go for a drive. An hour later, I was in Nashville. I parked outside an expensive, custom-design baby boutique. As I entered, I was welcomed by cream walls, soothing tones, and quiet classical music. I stopped in front of a dark wooden crib and touched the bumblebee themed mobile.

  “May I help you find something?” the young sales assistant asked.

  “Just looking, thanks.”

  “Let me know if you need anything,” she said, before moving away.

  I drifted around the store, flipping through children’s books and studying the bright, happy illustrations. I’d never thought about writing a children’s book until that moment, but ideas began to come to me—freely and without reserve, like a heart in love. They had been waiting, ensnared in the web of my mind, and now I was ready to pluck them from their resting places. I was excited to return home and begin writing.

  On my way out, a set of stencils caught my eye.

  Dandelions.

  It reminded me of a conversation I’d had with Kai. He had asked me when it would be our time to flourish, and I had told him it would be when we stopped fighting what we couldn’t change.

  We had accepted our losses, and now we were in the springtime of our lives.

  I would paint the nursery with yellow dreams.

  Chapter 30

  Sage

  The exhaustion of the first trimester caught up with me while I waited for Kai to return, and I fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t awaken until my husband was kissing my forehead. I opened my eyes, staring into Kai’s strong face.

  “Hi, darlin’,” he said in a husky voice that never failed to elicit shivers up and down my spine.

  I reached up to stroke his stubbly jaw. “What time is it?” He sat down next to me, and I hauled myself up, leaning into him. Sleep addled my mind and body. I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and fall back asleep in Kai’s arms.

  “A little after eight.”

  “Eight? Oh, man! I had plans to make you a special welcome home dinner.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not! I went to the store, and I bought gourmet cheese and a rabbit.”

  “Rabbit? You know how to cook rabbit?”

  “Celia gave me a recipe. I was going to try it out tonight.”

  Kai frowned. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll order Chinese or something.”

  I buried my face in my hands and started to cry. “There’s nothing special about Chinese!”

  Kai pulled me against his chest and stroked my hair while I wept against him. “Hey,” he said. “Why are you crying? You love Chinese.”

  I wiped my nose and sniffed. “I was going to make you a home cooked meal and then tell you I was pregnant. You can’t tell your husband you’re pregnant over Chinese food!”

  “Pregnant?” he whispered. “You’re pregnant?”

  I nodded and turned watery eyes to his. “I wanted to tell you in a special way, Kai. Not like this.”

  He laughed softly and kissed my tearstained cheeks before settling on my lips. “Best welcome home gift I could’ve ever asked for.”

  I clutched his shirt in my hands and sobbed all over him.

  “Do you want me to order you beef Lo Mein?” he asked, completely unperturbed by my show of irrational emotion.

  “That would be really nice,” I blubbered.

  He grinned and handed me the box of tissues that were on the coffee table. He took out his cell from his jeans pocket and ordered our takeout.

  “Come here,” he said, after he hung up. He leaned back against the couch. I draped myself across him while he stroked my hair, his lips caressing my forehead. “I was just wondering if I could be any happier, and then you tell me we’re having a baby.”

  I nuzzled against him, and we lounged in companionable silence. I listened to the drumming of Kai’s heart, imagining the tiny heartbeat that would soon live inside me.

  “What happened in New York?” I asked, wanting to continue the joy.

  “Béla Fleck wants to lay down tracks in the spring. He’s asked me to be a guest artist on his new album.”

  “Oh. Oh, wow.”

  “You know what that means?”

  “What?”

  “I get to write songs and practice them this winter. It means I get to stay home with you.” His hand touched my stomach. “Both of you.”

  I breathed a sigh of utter contentment. “Life is rarely perfect, but this moment, here with you…”

  “I know.”

  The doorbell rang. Kai rose to answer it and then came back with a bag of Chinese food. We pulled the coffee table close to the couch and didn’t bother with plates. We laughed and talked as we devoured egg rolls and hot and sour soup. He fed me a steamed wanton, and I ate the entire container of beef Lo Mein.

  After we finished, we headed upstairs to bed. We didn’t bother cleaning up, knowing it could wait.

  •••

  “I’m not ready to tell anyone,” I said. We’d dozed for a few hours and then awakened, sleepily turning to one another again. I was cradled in his arms, tracing zigzags across his chest.

  “Why not?” he asked.

  “I just—want to make sure.”

  “Make sure?”

  “Make sure nothing goes wrong this time.”

  His arms tightened around me, and I hoisted myself up to stare in the direction of his eyes. I brushed my lips across his chin.

  “We’re having dinner with my family tomorrow. They’ll know something when you ask for club soda instead of bourbon.”

  I shrugged. “Let them guess. It’s bad luck to tell anyone before the third month anyway.”

  “You don’t really believe that, do you?” he asked.

  “We told people before the third month last time. Look how that turned out.”

  He threaded his hands through my tangled hair. His thumbs gently rubbed behind my ears before he scratched my scalp with his strong fingers. I curled into him like a cat.

  “I was so happy,” I whispered. “I am so happy, but what if—”

  “No.”

  “But—”

  “No, Sage,” he said more forcefully. “No more fear. Do you want the baby to feel that? Feel that kind of fear?”

  I was quiet for a moment before I asked, “What happened to us? I thought you were the one that was afraid, and I was the one that had to talk you down?”

  He kissed my lips, his mouth warm and beautiful, and full of comfort. “Are we going to plan for the worst or hope fo
r the best?”

  “We’ve already experienced the worst, haven’t we?” I placed my head against his heart; it pulsed in my ear, solid and steady with hope.

  “We’ve got nothing but happiness. And anything that comes our way, we can deal with—even your fear.”

  “You sure about that?”

  “Yeah, I am. You taught me that.”

  “Show me what I’ve taught you,” I commanded. “I don’t remember.” His hand stroked the knobs of my spine and I said, “There’s a good chance this might all just be my hormones going insane.”

  He laughed, and I felt the rumble under my hand. “I thought about that, but even if it is, I’ll still find a way to reassure you.”

  I breathed him in and closed my eyes, warm relief rushing through my limbs. “It will be winter soon.”

  “Can we build a snowman? We haven’t done that together.”

  “There’s a lot we haven’t done together yet. Snow angels, for instance,” I said. “There’s nothing like lying in the snow, closing your eyes and catching snowflakes on your eyelashes and tongue.”

  “Is that something you and your mother used to do?”

  “One of the many things. I still can’t believe she’s not here to make snow angels with us.”

  I rolled onto my side, and Kai pressed himself against my back. His hands splayed across my belly, reminding me that I sheltered the center of our world in my body, reminding me to be grateful for the joy.

  Chapter 31

  Sage

  I clambered out of the car and slammed the passenger door shut. I stared at my in-laws’ large and imposing house, but for some reason I no longer found it intimidating.

  There was a nip to the air, and I anticipated the first snow of the season soon. Kai came around to grasp my hand. He brought it to his lips and smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling. I shivered and not just from the cold.

  “We agreed, remember? Not to tell anyone until the third month,” I reminded him.

  “I know,” Kai said.