Kyle halted his reverie as Alexandra moved to the table and ladled out two bowls of steaming, fragrant soup and then set the pan aside before pulling out a chair across from him and sitting down. ‘Thanks for this, it looks and smells amazing.’
‘I hope it tastes as good.’
‘Better,’ he reassured her after his first few spoonfuls.
Smiling, she passed him the bread, then took a slice for herself. ‘I’m afraid it’s a bit of pot luck with me whether things turn out to be edible or not! Cooking isn’t my forte.’
‘I’m just in awe how you find time to do everything,’ he admitted with genuine appreciation and a hint of concern. ‘You said you have help here?’
‘Mmm.’ She dipped some bread in her soup and popped it in her mouth, the tip of her tongue brushing across her lips, sending a lick of fire through him. Hell. Get your mind out of the gutter, Kyle, he berated himself, looking down to concentrate on his food. ‘Jim Buchan lives in one of the old farm cottages along the road. He was a stockman on the estate but had to retire some years ago, and since then he’s been helping my Dad out and now me. If there are any heavy jobs to be done outside or in the house, though, I call on Drew.’
A sick weight of dread settled in his stomach and he wondered if Penny’s warning had been genuine after all. ‘Drew Grainger?’ he asked, hoping his voice sounded casual and betrayed none of his inner turmoil.
‘That’s right. I guess you come across each other through work occasionally. He and Nic have been good friends since they met under a lorry a couple of years ago, rescuing a child in a pushchair. I wasn’t here then but I heard all about it.’
‘Hannah wasn’t best pleased at the chance Nic took.’ Kyle recalled the incident, trying to take his mind off the raging disappointment and resignation at the thought of Alexandra being involved with someone. He was a fool, but he had to know. ‘I heard you were seeing Drew.’
‘Seeing him?’ Alexandra looked up, momentary confusion clouding her eyes as she stared at him, then realisation dawned. ‘You mean dating or something?’ She took him by surprise and burst out laughing. ‘Oh, that’s a good one! Wherever did you hear that? I can’t wait to tell Drew, he’ll have a fit!’
‘So the rumour mill is a tad off,’ he muttered, unwilling to admit how much he wanted to hear her say yes.
‘A giant tad!’ Another laugh bubbled free, teasing his nerve endings, then she sobered. ‘Drew’s been my best friend and honorary brother since kindergarten. We sat next to each other in class all through junior and senior schools, too, and we go out sometimes, for a meal or to the cinema, as mates do. He’s always done things round the place to help my Dad, and he was a godsend when Dad was ill, sitting with him, helping me, then getting me through the darkest days when Dad died.’
Kyle felt a wave of relief overwhelm him, not only that Penny had been wrong and his stupid, uncharacteristic jealousy had been for nothing, but also that Alexandra had had such a good friend to support her through the most difficult of times. He’d come to doubt his own instincts after the things Penny had told him, but he knew now he had been right about Alexandra…Although he still didn’t know the facts about the fiancé.
Their meal finished, Alexandra cleared away the things. ‘Would you like some coffee?’
‘If you’re having some, thanks.’
‘Shall we take it outside and enjoy the autumn sunshine?’
Nodding, Kyle rose to his feet. ‘I’d like that.’
She poured their drinks into mugs. He followed her as she went back through the house and into a surprisingly large but cosy living room which had a huge fireplace on one side and picture windows along the other, making the most of the stunning rural views. Alexandra slid open a patio door and led the way out to a rustic veranda that ran the length of the house. The garden was overgrown but in a wild and attractive way, bordered by thick native hedges, and filled with shrubs, herbaceous plants and a rampant honeysuckle that still had a few late blooms lingering on it. A couple of goldfinches balanced on the pincushion heads of a stand of teasels, feasting on the seeds, seemingly unconcerned at the human presence. Beyond the hedges he could see across the fields to the woods and hills. It was totally peaceful and he felt a new calm seep into him, as if just being here settled something inside him.
‘This is great.’ Kyle smiled as he sat next to her on an old but sturdy wooden swing-seat suspended from chains, setting it into gentle motion with a push of one foot.
Her answering smile was reminiscent. ‘Dad made it for me when I was about fourteen. I’ve always loved to sit out here at night and watch the bats, listen to the owls, stare at the stars or just curl up in summer to read a book.’
She cupped her mug in her hands, and Kyle found his gaze lingering again. He had a thing about Alexandra’s hands. Well, he had a thing about every bit of her, but her hands fascinated him—short nails, no polish, but well cared for. Her fingers were graceful, slender yet strong, sure but gentle. Watching her tend patients with such care and attention put all manner of unwanted and inappropriate thoughts in his mind, including what those hands would feel like on his skin, her fingers exploring his body and…Damn!
‘So,’ she murmured into the silence as he battled his runaway erotic thoughts, her voice soft with understanding. ‘Are you ready to tell me why you are here?’
He wasn’t sure he would ever be ready. He was close to Nic, Hannah and Kate, had let them into his life, but he had only really shared his real self, his thoughts and feelings, with Conor. Now, no matter how much he fought it, he felt an instinctive bond of trust with Alexandra which he couldn’t explain even to himself. He felt pulled by an inexplicable temptation to let down his guard and be himself with her. It scared the living hell out of him. She touched him, reached him, in ways he couldn’t possibly imagine. And she seemed to understand him instinctively. Unable to resist, he reached out and took one of her hands in his, surprising himself by how much he needed the contact, relieved when she didn’t pull away. Instead, she automatically linked their fingers, her skin feeling soft and warm against his.
‘I was thinking a lot about what you said to Alicia Martin at the surgery last night.’ He cleared his throat, trying to banish the rough edge of emotion that always gripped him when he thought of his lost child. ‘The doctor part of me knows you are right, that no one is to blame, these things do happen, that I couldn’t have done anything different to change the outcome for the baby, but…’
‘But all the medical training in the world means nothing when the event is personal to you,’ she finished when his words trailed off, in tune with his thoughts again in that way she had that was at once spooky yet comforting.
He let out a huff of breath. ‘Yes.’
‘I know. I felt the same way through Dad’s illness. I was a daughter, not a nurse, and must have driven Hannah and Nic insane with my worries. I care deeply about all my patients, but things that would never fluster me in my work had me in a wild panic when it was happening to my Dad.’
‘Exactly.’ Kyle gave her fingers a reassuring squeeze. They were quiet for a few moments and he closed his eyes, breathing in the fresh autumn air. A few more crisp nights and the leaves would really begin to turn, firing the landscape with golds, bronzes and reds. ‘That technique you mentioned, the idea about the ceremony and writing a letter, where did that come from?’
‘It was something I picked up at a previous job. I’ve seen it work for people who have suffered a loss of some kind. I think you should consider trying it.’
‘Yeah. Maybe. I was thinking that, too.’
As he choked up again, her fingers returned the pressure of his. ‘Guilt is a natural part of the grieving process, Kyle. I feel it too, wonder if there were things I could or should have done differently. We beat ourselves up over things beyond our control. But it wasn’t your fault, you are not to blame,’ she insisted, her voice thick and unsteady.
‘I tried to understand, to do the right thing for Helen.�
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‘Helen made her own choices. Hurtful ones, wrong ones,’ she told him, soft but firm. ‘You’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.’
‘But…’
Her hand tightened again. ‘It was a terrible time, but it was your loss too, and you had needs. Was Helen there for you?’
Kyle struggled with a welter of mixed emotions ranging from an urge to defend Helen—though he really didn’t understand that—to anger and resentment, from confusion to hurt. He had pushed all his own needs aside, had buried himself in work so he wouldn’t think, and his whole life had slipped more and more beyond his control as he had felt isolated and lost in his marriage as it crumbled around him. Talking with Alexandra made some things clearer in his own mind, but also raised so many issues he hadn’t begun to face or acknowledge. He had opened up to her more than to anyone, even Conor, exposed an inner part of him he had always kept protected, and he didn’t know how he felt about that. Part of him wanted to spend more time with her but part of him wanted to retreat, scared to trust, loath to leave himself open to more rejection and betrayal.
With more reluctance than he wanted to admit, he released her hand. ‘I guess I’d better let you get back to your decorating.’
Alexandra said nothing, just took his mug from him, rose to her feet and went back into the house. He felt like an idiot, as if he’d done something wrong. But there was no judgement in her expression when he joined her in the kitchen.
‘It’s really lovely here.’ He filled the silence, not wanting to part on an awkward note.
‘It is.’ A cautious smile curved her mouth. ‘Would you like to have a quick look round before you go?’
His good intentions to put some much-needed distance between them weakened in the face of the temptation to linger. ‘Yeah, I would. If you have time.’
‘Sure.’
Pulling on his leather jacket, he waited for Alexandra to be ready then, with Max ambling outside after them, they went through the porch off the kitchen into the yard. He enjoyed the tour, some of the panic and urgency that had led him to flee slipping away again as he looked over her stock with a practiced eye, seeing what a good job she and Jim were doing with the place. He closed the barn door behind them and walked beside Alexandra past a well-tended vegetable plot where winter crops remained. When they came to the next enclosure they stopped, leaning on the fence to watch the chickens scratching about as Alexandra tossed them some extra corn.
He’d really enjoyed hearing her talk about the farm, realising how much she loved this place. She was a remarkable woman, he acknowledged, some of his edginess returning as his awareness of her increased again. Not only was she a first-class nurse but she was knowledgeable and genuinely loving of this land which had been her home since birth. Somehow she juggled her life to keep all the balls in the air at the same time, still putting other people before herself. On top of which she had a natural inner beauty that had drawn him from the first moment they had met.
Unsettled by his thoughts, by the very fact he had come here today yearning to be with her, to talk to her, he focused on the poultry. None of the hens took the slightest notice of the cockerel strutting in their midst and, hearing Alexandra sigh, Kyle glanced at her and caught her frown.
‘What?’ he asked.
‘I’m worried about him.’
‘The cockerel?’
‘Mmm. He’s never lived up to his name—Casanova.’ Her frown deepened. ‘I think he might be gay.’
Kyle couldn’t stop the sudden laugh that burst from within him. She was crazy! But wonderful. The laugh felt rusty, and he realised what a long time it had been since he’d done it. Hell, it was a long time since he had done a lot of things, come to that, but Alexandra made him want to indulge in them all: laughter, fun, sex…most definitely sex. Looking into smoky eyes, seeing her bite her lip as she tried to pretend affront at his reaction and not laugh too, he felt the burn of desire flare inside him. The impulse to kiss her was too strong to resist.
One hand rose of its own volition, his palm cupping her cheek, his fingers caressing the warm, silken skin of her neck as he stepped closer. He briefly saw her eyes widen in surprise before his own closed, and he felt a tremble ripple through her as his mouth settled on hers. At last. He lingered a moment, enjoying the feel of her, learning her shape, her taste, struggling to hold on to reality and a shred of common sense. But need overwhelmed him and he couldn’t wait another second. Alexandra gasped, her lips parting to his, her arms winding round him, her fingers clutching his back. He angled his mouth more firmly on hers, hearing her whimper as she sank into him, matching his tempo in a slow, deep, drugging kiss that explored with sensual thoroughness.
He felt like a man who had been stranded too long in a desert being given his first drink from a sweet, life-giving oasis. Alexandra tasted divine. The scent of her intoxicated him. Groaning, he took more, demanded more, his free arm wrapping round her, dragging her closer as their tongues teased, tempted, stroked, curled together, drawing into each other’s mouths. Dear heaven. Fire streaked through his body and his blood roared in his ears. He nibbled on her, sucked at her, couldn’t get enough of her. The kiss turned wilder, rough in its urgency, his fingers sinking into the short strands of her hair to hold her in place even as his other arm tightened further to crush her soft curves against his hardness. He didn’t care that he couldn’t breathe, that his lungs were burning, that his world was imploding. All that mattered was this heart stopping, unbelievable kiss and the insatiable hunger that fed it.
A helpless noise from Alexandra had a sliver of sanity returning. Dear God, this was going too far—way beyond what he had intended when he had succumbed to the urge to kiss her. Another second and he’d be ripping off her clothes in his desperation to feel her skin. A moment more and he’d be taking her. Here. Now. What the hell did he think he was doing, grabbing her like this, forcing himself on her? What kind of man had he become? Confused, scared at the welter of conflicting emotions inside him—the strength of his need and just how close he had come to losing control and doing something unforgivable—he set her away more roughly than he’d intended, seeing her stumble, her eyes dazed and shocked. Of course she was shocked. She must think he was…well, a lecher or something. Unable to meet her gaze, appalled at himself and his actions, he backed away.
‘I shouldn’t have done that.’ The words came out harsher and colder than he had meant them to. ‘Sorry.’
He had to get out of here. Now. He never lost control. Never. Helen had been shy and delicate, reserved when it had come to sex, and it had brought out his protective instincts. He’d understood, had taken care of her, had always been gentle, taking things slowly, frightened of giving free rein to an inner wildness. Alexandra had brought out that whole other side to him, the one he had kept hidden, banked down, unacknowledged and, he had thought, forgotten—a more wildly passionate and adventurous side. It was scary. Alexandra was the only one with whom he had surrendered himself totally. And she had discovered the rawness in him, the rough, untamed passion he’d been unable to contain the second he had touched her. It had been uninhibited, needy, demanding. He should never have done it. He looked at her, stunned, seeing her moist lips swollen from his assault on her mouth, grey eyes wide and dark as she clung to the fence for support, her breathing ragged.
Backing away, he tried to pretend it hadn’t happened, but knew he would never forget a kiss that had been explosive, amazing, indescribable. Dangerous. Terrifying. Damn it, how could he have pawed her that way? Whatever must Alexandra think of him? He’d all but attacked her, for goodness’ sake. Deeply ashamed, fearful of the unfettered passion raging inside him, he spun on his heel and walked away without another word, unable to trust himself to speak, not to touch her again, tortured by what he had done, and by the side of him he’d been unable to control.
Alex stared, speechless, as Kyle strode away from her and disappeared around the building. A few seconds later she hea
rd a door bang and his car fire to life. He was sorry. He regretted their kiss. She grasped the fence like a lifeline, her legs too jelly-like to hold her up on their own, her heart hammering, her breath coming in desperate gasps, every atom of her being throbbing and on fire. Shaky fingers rose to her trembling lips as she tried to get to grips with what had just happened to her. She had never, ever been kissed like that in her life. From the moment she had set eyes on him she had thought Kyle had the sexiest mouth on the planet, and it had more than delivered, the incredible kiss so erotic and exciting and, quite frankly, orgasmic that she would have embarrassed them both and melted on the spot given a few more moments.
What had she done? He was her boss, a man she knew was troubled, who was possibly involved with another woman. Yet from the instant his lips had brushed hers she had acted like some shameless hussy, flinging herself at him, devouring the poor man, unable to get enough of him. She closed her eyes, reliving the feel of his body against her, his taste, his mind-numbing kiss, the earthy male fragrance of him. Something had snapped inside her, reawakening her dormant sexual nature, and she had wanted him—badly. The temptation to rip his clothes off, and have her wicked way with him there in her yard, had been almost irresistible. Thank God she hadn’t given in. How humiliating that would have been. Bad enough that Kyle had rejected her. He was embarrassed and shocked enough by her behaviour as it was, and the kiss clearly hadn’t meant anything to him. He hadn’t felt the monumental explosion of passion and desire and clamouring need she had just experienced for the first time in her life.
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