False Start

by Rebel Farris

  Evan puts an arm around both Holly and Chloe, winking at me. “We’ll meet you at the car.”

  I’m now alone with Dex and a few straggling barflies.

  “Thanks for coming,” I say.

  I wave to him and then clasp my hands behind my back to stop myself from doing further weird hand shit. I feel… awkward. What am I doing?

  My skin twitches; the muscles in my core clench just thinking about his touch. It’s been four years since I had sex. That seems a bit ridiculous, even for someone with my hang-ups. I should try to be normal for a night. That’s what normal people do, right? They hook up? Yep, decision made. The alcohol might be impairing my judgment, but I’m going to do this. It’s making me forget the myriad of reasons why I’m still single and bold enough to do something about it. That’s good, right? Why am I asking myself questions? See, I just did it again.

  I saunter toward him, trying to be as seductive as possible. Dex’s eyes look wary as he tracks my movement. I reach up, thread my fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck, and pull his head down to me.

  “You know, I was thinking…” I whisper in his ear. His body stiffens. I lean back to look into those cerulean eyes. “There’s a room in the back. The bands that play here use it as a greenroom.”

  In the blink of an eye, Dex has thrown me over his shoulder. “Oooo… you’re gonna be all caveman about it. I can work with that,” I taunt, giggling.

  He heads out the front door.

  “Hey, you’re going the wrong way,” I protest.

  He doesn’t say a word as he carries me out to the parking lot, his thumb tracing small circles on the back of my thigh. It does wicked things to me. My body thrums with excitement. He finally stops and I slide down him, the friction lighting me up. I feel his arousal where we’re pressed together. My heart feels like it’s going to pound through my chest.

  We’re alone in the nearly empty parking lot. He doesn’t move, so I decide to get things in motion. I run my hand up his chest and over his shoulders, intending to pull his face down to mine. Only he wraps his long fingers around my wrists in a firm grip and moves them behind my back. An audible exhale escapes my lips at my arousal from the gesture. My head drops back in surrender, allowing him better access.

  “Maddie.” His voice is low and quiet.

  I lift my head and look at him. I mean, really look at him. If I’m not mistaken, he looks angry. It’s hard to tell because there seem to be two of him.

  “You need to go home and sleep it off. You’ve had too much to drink tonight.” He releases me, then steps back.

  “Dex?” I whisper, searching my brain for some way I misread his signals. He couldn’t possibly be rejecting me. “I thought you—”

  “You thought what?” His eyes narrow and his voice is cold. “That this was only going to amount to a cheap fuck in the back room of a dive bar?” He rams his fingers into his hair forcefully. “Go home, Maddie. I expect this from the majority of the female population, but I hoped you were different.”

  I have to pick my jaw up off the parking lot. My fuzzy brain cannot understand why he’s so angry. Embarrassment and anger flood my system.

  “Seriously! You’re all like, I want to get to know you, Maddie. Go out with me, Maddie. Let me touch and tease you, Maddie,” I say in a mocking voice. “And now you’re telling me to fuck off? Because you’re not getting it when, where, how… and where you wanted?” I take a step forward.

  He mirrors me, taking a step back. “That’s what you think this is?” he asks, his voice an angry calm.

  “Then what the fuck is this?” I throw back.

  “Has anyone ever told you no?”

  “Of course people tell me no. All. The. Fucking. Time,” I seethe. “What? You think I’m just some spoiled princess? Well, I’ve news for you, buddy! Everything I have, I’ve worked for.” Tears start building in my eyes, and I have to breathe deeply to stop them.

  “That’s not what I’m saying! Will you just stop?” His voice is loud as he yells over mine. It’s so powerful and booming that it completely scrambles my booze-addled mind. I blink. “Will you just listen to yourself? Yes, I want to get to know you. Yes, I want to take you out on a date. That has nothing to do with sex in the back room of a bar.”

  “I don’t have time for this shit. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking tattoo. Consider this my cancellation.” I give him the finger and turn away. I’m so angry or drunk—or both—I stumble over my own feet and fall. I quickly right myself and glance around, but the parking lot is still empty, save for Dex and me. Dex probably saw it, but fuck him.

  I move around the empty car we’re beside to my car and fall into the passenger seat. The conversation between Holly, Evan, and Chloe stops. I squeeze my eyes tight to keep back the tears fighting their way out. Why am I crying? I’ve no idea. This was a huge mistake. I pull the rubber band on my wrist until it can’t go any farther and let it go. I feel nothing. Fuck this numbness.

  Then

  I didn’t remember the ride home. Jared’s feet thunked heavily on the hollow floors of my mobile home as he carried me through the front room.

  “I got you,” Jared whispered softly.

  “How did we get here?” I whispered.

  “Nic gave me your address. They couldn’t get the county CPS to the hospital tonight, and I didn’t think you wanted to stay in that waiting room until tomorrow morning. It took some convincing…” He trailed off as he looked around, determining where to take me.

  I pointed toward the hall. He followed the direction. The white-paneled walls had a faint glow, the sheer red curtains framing the moonlight spilling into the small dark bedroom. Jared deposited me on my bed and turned as if to leave.

  “Stay.” The word leaked out of me, the plea almost a whisper. “Stay with me, please.”

  He got down on his knees until he was eye level with me.

  “Of course,” he said, running his hands up and down the sides of my arms. “You’re cold.” He tugged my red comforter up around my shoulders. “Do you want something to drink? Are you hungry?”

  “Shower.”

  “I’ll get it started for you.” He rose and turned on his heel toward the bathroom.

  I stood underneath the stream of hot water with no real recollection of how I got there. The only thing that I could think at that point was, why wasn’t I crying? I cried when my father died. I was only five years old, but I remember crying. With this, I had nothing. Nothing, but a dull, aching numbness. A cold that even the steaming hot water couldn’t penetrate.

  I felt like the world’s worst daughter. I’d caused my mother’s death and I couldn’t even manage to cry about it. I killed her by being a whiny, sniveling little bitch over something as stupid as Lisa fucking Lombardi’s dumb-as-fuck betrayal. Why couldn’t I fucking cry! I stood underneath the stream of water, not moving until I realized the water had turned cold.

  Getting out of the shower, I could hear Jared’s muffled voice in the living room. I wrapped a towel around me and walked quietly down the hall, shivering as beads of water trailed down my skin. Jared was sitting on the couch with his back to me, his phone pressed to his ear and his free hand running through his hair.

  “Yes, sir. I will… no, sir… no, sir. Yeah. First thing in the morning. Okay. Good night, dad.”

  He disconnected the call, then ran his hand through his hair again. He rubbed his hands over his face, releasing a long sigh. Leaning back on the couch, he stared at the ceiling. He must’ve caught sight of me because he jumped from the couch and spun around to face me, quicker than my eyes could track.

  “Are you okay? Can I get you anything?” he asked as if trying to coax a cornered animal.

  I shook my head, gripping the towel around me a little tighter.

  “You probably want to be alone, but I don’t want to leave until you have someone else here. It’s three in the morning. I can stay. On the couch. Do y
ou have any spare blankets or pillows I can use out here? I can get them myself—just point me in the right direction.”

  I didn’t respond, just stared, my mind racing a million miles a second. He moved around the couch to stand in front of me, his fingers lightly touching my chin, urging me to look up at him.

  “What can I do?” he asked again.

  I tilted my head. I honestly didn’t know how to answer that question. I closed my eyes. When I opened them, he was still there. Those icy-blue eyes with the dark blue rim around the irises searched my face for answers I couldn’t give. As stunning as those eyes were, I couldn’t drag my gaze away from his lips. His tongue darted out a little as he wet his lips. It was distracting, and that was what I needed.

  “Make it stop,” I said as I reached for the front of his button-down shirt. “Make me feel something other than this…”

  He had a woody, earthy scent that filled my nose as I leaned into him. Pulling him to me and stretching up onto my tiptoes, I pressed my lips to his. Maybe I stunned him, because at first, he didn’t move. He stood there, still as stone. I pulled at his shirt. My lips moved over his, urging him to react. His tongue slipped into my mouth as his hands came up to grasp the side of my face, his fingers tangled in my wet hair. All thoughts ceased as goose bumps spread across my body. My heart raced and I gasped for breath as his thumb brushed over my cheekbone. Every sensation consumed my mind until my only thought was him. He was so warm. I wanted to be that warm. I desperately wanted to forget everything about the whole damn night.

  The muted sound of buttons raining down on the carpet snapped me back into focus. His shirt tore under my hands before I realized what I was doing. My hands ran over his warm, hard flesh. His hands found my thighs and slowly smoothed up to grasp my hips. He pulled me against him. My heart rate increased with nervous excitement. Our bodies sealed together with only space for the threadbare towel separating us. His hands firmly gripped my bare ass, grinding me against him. I moaned into his mouth. I felt his hard length pressed against my belly through his jeans. He pulled back panting, resting his forehead on mine.

  “We shouldn’t do this. You’ve been through too much,” Jared said between strangled breaths.

  “I need you,” I begged.

  His hands curved up my side to my waist. “Maddie…”

  I kissed him again to stop any more protests, but he pulled back. I thought it was to say something else, but with the pressure between our bodies gone, the towel fell away, leaving me naked before him. His eyes traveled down my body. Before I could blink, his lips crashed back into mine.

  There was nothing gentle in his kiss anymore. My mind was overwhelmed. His hands returned to my ass in a firm grasp as he lifted me from the floor. My legs wrapped around his waist. We were moving, but I couldn’t tell where. My eyes were closed and my mouth sealed to his. My fingers threaded through the locks of his hair as I held him. My back hit the rough, textured wall. The bumps scratched and pulled at my skin. Pleasure coursed through my veins, setting my body ablaze. I moaned as my grip on his hair tightened. His hips jerked into me, rubbing his jeans into my core.

  “Jared…” I gasped.

  Shifting my weight to one arm, Jared found my breasts with his free hand. He began trailing kisses from my ear to my collarbone. He pumped his hips again and again. I cried out as his fingers rolled across my nipple. My body jerked, it felt that good. Was that an orgasm? We were on the move again. My back hit the covers of my bed.

  He started to back up, whether to get away or just to breathe for a second, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t give him a chance. I couldn’t let him go. I needed him. He made the thoughts stop. I sat up on the edge of the bed. I latched my finger through his belt loop, tugging him to me as I used my other hand to undo his belt and pants. As the zipper hit the end, his erection sprang free. His pants dropped to his thighs; curiosity made me bold. I grasped it, and his hips jerked. I loosened my grip, afraid that I’d hurt him.

  I wasn’t sure what to do. I tentatively stuck out my tongue and touched it to the tip of him. His whole body shook with a tremor. I looked up to meet his eyes. He stared at me intensely. His expression was unreadable. His fingers wrapped around my wrists. He jerked my hands away from him. My heart pounded in my ears. Panic seized my chest. He was going to reject me.

  “Please,” I pleaded. Fear coursed through me at the thought of losing this connection. “I need you. Just now. I’m not asking for anything else.”

  The sound of his pants hitting the floor broke the silence of his answer. He nudged me to lie back on the bed as his body moved to cover mine. He grasped both my cheeks in his hands as he rested his weight on his elbows, forcing me to meet his penetrating gaze.

  “God, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. You don’t have to ask me for anything. The moment I met you, I was yours.”

  His fingers fumbled at my core, teasing me as he lined himself up at my entrance. My body tensed as he thrust into me, expecting the pain that I’d heard would be there. It didn’t happen. It felt weird—stretched and full—but it wasn’t painful, just foreign. I watched his eyes shut tight, his shoulders tense as he pulled back slowly.

  “Maddie.” He sighed my name as if it were a prayer. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. His reactions were fascinating. “I’m not going to—ah—”

  He pumped in and out, eliciting sounds from me that I never knew I could make. His eyes flew open and locked on to mine, his mouth dropping open to release a guttural groan as he jerked and shuddered. Collapsing on top of me, he planted a messy kiss on my lips.

  “That was…” He started to pull away from me. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, keeping him in place. “Amazing,” he continued.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled, unsure of what else to say.

  He pulled back with a gasp, breaking my hold on his shoulders.

  “I forgot to use a condom.” Panic infused his features.

  “I’m a virgin—” I said. His eyes widened fractionally. “Well, I was, but I take birth control. For skin care. So, we’re safe—unless… Do you forget a lot?”

  He shook his head. “No.” He relaxed a little, but he was still tense.

  I chuckled at his panic. The laugh made my inner walls clench. He groaned, burying his face in my neck.

  “If you keep doing that, I’m going to come again,” he warned with a muffled voice.

  He lifted his head, looking into my eyes. Searching. “Never mind. I think that just became my favorite sound.”

  He moved his hips against mine. I moaned from the sensation of the friction.

  “That one’s a very close second,” he whispered, and his lips brushed against my ear.

  Shivers chased down my spine. Tears finally spilled as he made love to me again. When we were both spent, he pulled me to his chest, the tears continuing to fall. He held me tightly as sheer exhaustion pulled me into a restless sleep.

  Now

  Holly’s the first to break the silence in the car as we pull out of the parking lot at Ruby’s. “What the hell was that about?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about it,” I grumble and turn the radio on to drown out any more interrogation.

  Jared’s seductive voice croons over the airwaves. I smash the Off button so hard, I swear the plastic cracks. I let out a frustrated scream through clenched teeth before giving way to the sobs built up in my chest. I’m not even sure why I got so mad. What would’ve happened if he said yes? I’d do or say something, slip up, and he’d realize the freak that I am. It wouldn’t have been a good idea. This crying isn’t over Dex; it’s just the amalgamation of everything that has me weary to the bone.

  Evan undoes my seat belt and pulls me into the back seat between him and Holly. It’s a bit clumsy, and I almost kick Chloe in the face in the process. They sandwich me between them, comforting me as my heart pours out. I feel like I’ve fallen into a well of dull, aching numbness that I’ve be
en struggling to climb out of for so long. Every time I get close enough to see the light of day, something pulls me back down. I’m not meant to move on. I don't even think I deserve to.

  “Oh baby, you do,” Holly croons in my ear. I must’ve said that out loud. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve such a big heart, and you put everyone else ahead of you. You just need to do you, instead of taking care of all of us.”

  “Strong,” I scoff, releasing a puff of air. “I’ve been such a chickenshit I haven’t set foot in that part of the studio in over four years. That’s not strong at all.”

  “Maddie, that’s completely understandable,” Chloe argues. “That’s why no one schedules ya in the studio. No one expects ya to go back there. Ya know we get it, right? The fact that ya even enter the building is more than most could handle. And it’s not like you’re sitting around on your ass moping. Between the House, Derby, the girls, your bands, and scouting—I can barely keep up with ya, and I’m only your assistant.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s obviously not working. Everyone’s getting restless—and then I try to—I don’t know, let loose? Look where that gets me.” I motion my hand out the window as if Dex were still standing there.

  “You want to tell us what happened?” Evan asks, brushing my hair out of my face.

  I sigh, reluctant. They won’t stop until they have the story. “I offered him sex, and he acted… I don’t know. He got super pissed about it.” I cringe and shake my head as some of the alcohol haze clears. “Maybe I just read him wrong… Either way, I’m not doing that again anytime soon. With him or anyone else.” My voice grows hoarse on that last bit, and I clear my throat.

  “I’m sure that’s not it. Ya didn’t see the way he looked at ya,” Chloe offers, looking back at me through the rearview mirror.

  I cringe at the thought. I’ve learned the hard way that romance isn’t in the cards for me. I had my shot. When a relationship is romantic in nature, people have a harder time letting shit go. They hold on to your faults and mistakes like a score card.