I Had Raised Dust: Selected Works

by Daniil Kharms

  (1933)

  Disarmed, or Unfortunate in Love

  Tragic Vaudeville in One Act

  LEV MARKOVICH (Bouncing up to the LADY) Let me!

  LADY (Keeping him at arms length) Leave me!

  LEV MARKOVICH (Bumping into her) Let me!

  LADY (Shoving him with her knees) Go away!

  LEV MARKOVICH (Gripping her with his hands) Let's, just once!

  LADY (Shoving him with her knees) Away! Away!

  LEV MARKOVICH Just one thrust!

  LADY (Bellowing) No-o.

  LEV MARKOVICH A thrust! One thrust!

  LADY (Shows the whites of her eyes).

  LEV MARKOVICH fumbles around, reaches with his hand for his tool and suddenly, as it turns out, he can't find it.

  LEV MARKOVICH Wait a minute! (Feels himself up and down with his hands). What the h-hell!

  LADY looks at LEV MARKOVICH with astonishment.

  LEV MARKOVICH Well, that's a damn funny thing!

  LADY What's happened?

  LEV MARKOVICH Hum ... hmm ... (looks around, completely flummoxed).

  (Curtain)

  (1934)

  How a Man Crumbled

  -- They say all the best tarts are fat-arsed. Gee-ee, I really like busty tarts, I love the way they smell.

  Having said this, he started to increase in height and, upon reaching the ceiling, he crumbled into a thousand little pellets. The yard-keeper Panteley came, swept all these pellets up into his scoops in which he usually picked up the horse muck, and he carried these pellets away somewhere to the back yard.

  And the sun continued to shine as ever and splendiferous ladies continued to smell just as ravishingly as ever.

  (1936)

  "I didn't go in for blocking up my ears..."

  I didn't go in for blocking up my ears. Everyone blocked theirs up and I alone didn't block mine and therefore I alone heard everything. Similarly, I didn't blindfold myself with a rag, as everyone else did, and therefore I saw everything. Yes, I alone saw and heard everything. But unfortunately I didn't understand anything and, therefore, what was the value of me alone seeing and hearing everything? I couldn't even remember what I had seen and heard. Just a few fragmentary recollections, flourishes and nonsensical sounds. There was a tram conductor who came running through, followed by an elderly lady with a spade between her lips. Someone said: '... probably from under her chair...' A naked Jewish girl spreads her legs and empties a cup of milk over her sexual organs, the milk trickles down into a deep dinner plate. From the plate, the milk is poured back into the cup and offered to me to drink. I take a drink: there is a smell of cheese from the milk...

  The naked Jewish girl is sitting there before me with her legs apart, her sexual organs stained with milk. She leans forward and looks at her sexual organs. From her sexual organs there starts to flow a transparent and syrupy liquid... I am going through a big and rather dark yard. In the yard there lie high, heaped up piles of firewood. From behind the wood someone's face is looking out. I know: it's Limonin following me. He's on the watch: to see whether I'm going to visit his wife. I turn to the right and go through the outside door on to the street. From the gateway the joyful face of Limonin is looking out... And now Limonin's wife is offering me vodka. I down four glasses with a few sardines and start thinking about the naked Jewish girl. Limonin's wife puts her head on my knees. I knock back one more glass and light up my pipe.

  -- You are so sad today -- Limonin's wife says to me. I tell her some nonsense or other and go off to the Jewish girl.

  (1940)

  On the Circle

  1. Do not take offense at the following argument, for there is nothing offensive in it, unless one does not consider that the circle may be spoken of in a geometrical sense. If I say that the circle describes four identical radii, and you say: not four, but one, then we have a right to ask one another: why? But I don't want to talk about that kind of description of the circle, but of the perfect description of a circle.

  2. The circle is the most perfect flat figure. I am not going to say why in particular that is so. But this fact arises of itself in our consciousness in any consideration of flat figures.

  3. Nature is so created that the less noticeable the laws of formation, the more perfect the thing.

  4. Nature is also so created that the more impenetrable a thing, the more perfect it is.

  5. On perfection, I would say the following: perfection in things is a perfect thing. It is always possible to study a perfect thing or, in other words, in a perfect thing these is always something not studied. If a thing should prove to have been completely studied, then it would cease to be perfect, for only that which is incomplete is perfect -- that is to say the infinite.

  6. A point is infinitely small and thereby attains perfection, but at the same time it remains inconceivable. Even the smallest conceivable point would not be perfect.

  7. A straight line is perfect, for there is no reason for it not to be infinitely long on both sides, to have neither end nor beginning, and thereby be inconceivable. But by putting pressure on it and limiting it on both sides, we render it conceivable, but at the same time imperfect.

  If you believe this, then think on.

  8. A straight line, broken at one point, forms an angle. But a straight line which is broken simultaneously at all its points is called a curve. A curve does not have to be of necessity infinitely long. It may be such that we can grasp it freely at a glance and yet at the same time remain inconceivable and infinite. I am talking about a closed curve, in which the beginning and the end are concealed. And the most regular, inconceivable, infinite and ideal curve will be a circle.

  (17 July, 1931)

  On Laughter

  1. Advice to humourous performers

  I have noticed that it is very important to determine the point at which laughter can be induced. If you want the auditorium to laugh, come out on to the stage and stand there in silence until someone bursts out laughing. Then wait a little bit longer until someone else starts laughing, and in such a way that everyone can hear. However, this laughter must be genuine. When all this has taken place, then the point at which laughter can be induced has been reached. After this you may proceed to your programme of humour and, rest assured, success is guaranteed.

  2. Where are several sorts of laughter.

  There is the average sort of laughter, when the whole hall laughs, but not at full volume. There is the strong sort of laughter, when just one part of the hall or another laughs, but at full volume, and the other part of the hall remains silent as, in this case, the laughter doesn't get to it at all. The former sort of laughter requires vaudeville delivery from a vaudeville actor, but the latter sort is better. The morons don't have to laugh.

  (1933)

  On Time, Space and Existence

  1. A world which is not can not be called existing, because it is not.

  2. A world consisting of something unified, homogeneous and continuous can not be called existing, because in such a world there are no parts and, once there are no parts, there is no whole.

  3. An existing world must be heterogeneous and have parts.

  4. Every two parts are different, because one part will always be thus one and the other that one.

  5. If only this one exists, then that one cannot exist, because, as we have said, only this exists. But such a this cannot exist, because if this exists it must be heterogeneous and have parts. And if it has parts that means it consists of this and that.

  6. If this and that exist, this means that not this and not that exist, because if not this and not that did not exist, then this and that would be unified, homogeneous and continuous and consequently would also not exist.

  7. We shall call the first part this and the second part that and the transition from one to the other we shall call neither this nor that.

  8. We shall call neither this nor that 'the impediment'.

  9. Thus: the basis of existence comprises three elements
: this, the impediment and that.

  10. We shall express non-existence as zero or a unity. Therefore we shall have to express existence by the number three.

  11. Thus: dividing a unitary void into two parts, we get the trinity of existence.

  12. Or: a unitary void, experiencing a certain impediment, splits into parts, which make up the trinity of existence.

  13. The impediment is that creator which creates 'something' out of 'nothing'.

  14. If this one, on its own, is 'nothing' or a non-existent 'something', then the 'impediment' is also 'nothing' or a non-existent 'something'.

  15. By this reckoning there must be two 'nothings' or nonexistent 'somethings'.

  16. If there are two 'nothings' or non-existent 'somethings', then one of them is the 'impediment' to the other, breaking it down into parts and becoming itself a part of the other.

  17. In the same way the other, being the impediment to the first, splits it into parts and itself becomes a part of the first.

  18. In this way are created, of their own accord, non-existent parts.

  19. Three, of their own accord, non-existent parts create the three basic elements of existence.

  20. The three, of their own accord, non-existent basic elements of existence, all three together, make up a certain existence.

  21. If one of the three basic elements of existence should disappear, then the whole would disappear. So: should the 'impediment' disappear, then this one and that one would become unitary and continuous and would cease to exist.

  22. The existence of our universe generates three 'nothings' or separately, on their own account, three non-existent 'somethings': space, time and something else which is neither time nor space.

  23. Time, of its essence, is unitary, homogeneous and continuous and thereby does not exist.

  24. Space, of its essence, is unitary, homogeneous and continuous and thereby does not exist.

  25. But as soon as space and time enter into a certain mutual relationship they become the impediment, the one of the other, and begin to exist.

  26. As they begin to exist, space and time become mutually parts, one of the other.

  27. Time, experiencing the impediment of space, breaks down into parts, generating the trinity of existence.

  28. A split down and existing, consists of the three basic elements of existence: the past, the present and the future .

  29. The past, the present and the future, as basic elements of existence, always stood in inevitable dependence, each on the other. There cannot be a past without a present and a future, or a present without a past and a future, or a future without a past and a present.

  30. Examining these three elements separately, we see that there is no past because it has already gone and here is no future because it has not yet come. That means that there remains only one thing -- the 'present'. But what is the 'present'?

  31. When we are pronouncing this word, the letters of this word which have been pronounced become past and the unpronounced letters still lie in the future. This means that only that sound which is being pronounced now is 'present'.

  32. But of course the process of pronouncing this sound possesses a certain length. Consequently, a certain part of this process is 'present', just as the other parts are either past or future. But the same thing too may be said of this part of the process which had seemed to us to be 'the present'.

  33. Reflecting in this manner, we see that there is no 'present'.

  34. The present is only the 'impediment' in the transition from past to future and past and future appear to us as the this and that of the existence of time.

  35. Thus: the present is the 'impediment' in the existence of time and, as we said earlier, space serves as the impediment in the existence of time.

  36. By this means: the 'present' of time is space.

  37. There is no space in the past and the future, it being contained entirely in the 'present'. And the present is space.

  38. And since there is no present, neither is there any space.

  39. We have explained the existence of time but space, of its own accord, does not yet exist.

  40. In order to explain the existence of space, we must take that incidence when time performs as the impediment of space.

  41. Experiencing the impediment of time, space splits into parts, generating the trinity of existence.

  42. Broken down, existing space consists of three elements: there, here and there.

  43. In the transition from one there to the other there, it is necessary to overcome the impediment here, because if it were not for the impediment here, then the one there and the other there would be unitary.

  44. Here is the 'impediment' of existing space. And, as we said above, the impediment of existing space is time.

  45. Therefore: the here of space is time.

  46. The here of space and the 'present' of time are the points of intersection between time and space.

  47. Examining space and time as basic elements in the existence of the universe, we would say: the universe expresses space, time and something else which is neither time nor space.

  48. That 'something' which is neither time nor space is the 'impediment', which generates the existence of the universe.

  49. This 'something' expresses the impediment between time and space.

  50. Therefore this 'something' lies at the point of intersection of time and space.

  51. Consequently this 'something' is to be found in time at the point of the 'present' and in space at the point of the 'here'.

  52. This 'something' which is to be found at the point of intersection of space and time generates a certain 'impediment', separating the 'here' from the 'present'.

  53. This 'something', generating the impediment and separating the 'here' from the 'present', creates a certain existence which we call matter or energy. (Henceforth we shall provisionally call this simply matter.)

  54. Thus: the existence of the universe, as organised by space, time and their impediment, is expressed as matter.

  55. Matter testifies to us of time.

  56. Matter testifies to us of space.

  57. By this means: the three basic elements of the existence of the universe are perceived by us as time, space and matter.

  58. Time, space and matter, intersecting one with another at definite points and being basic elements in the existence of the universe, generate a certain node.

  59. We shall call this node -- the Node of the Universe.

  60. When I say of myself: 'I am', I am placing myself within the Node of the Universe.

  From 'A Tract More or Less According to a Synopsis of Emerson'

  On an Approach to Immortality

  It is peculiar to each person to strive for enjoyment, which is always either sexual satisfaction, or satiation, or acquisition.

  But only that which lies not on the path to enjoyment leads towards immortality. All systems leading to immortality in the end come down to a single rule: continually do that which you don't feel like doing, because every person feels like either eating, or satisfying their sexual feelings, or acquiring something, or all of these more or less at a stroke. It is interesting that immortality is always connected with death and is treated by various religious systems as eternal enjoyment, or as eternal torment, or as an eternal absence of enjoyment and torment.

  (1939)

  Letter to the Lipavskys

  28 June 1932. Tsarskoye Selo

  Dear Tamara Aleksandrova and Leonid Savel'evich,

  Thank you for your wonderful letter. I have re-read it many times and learned it off by heart. I can be awakened in the night and I will immediately and word-perfectly begin: 'Hello there, Daniil Ivanovich, we are completely lost without you. Lyonya has bought himself some new...' and so on, and so on.

  I have read this letter to all my acquaintances in Tsarskoye Selo. Everyone likes it very much. Yesterday my friend Bal'nis came to see me. He wanted to stay the night. I read him your letter six
times. He smiled very broadly, so it was evident that he liked the letter, but he didn't have time to express a detailed opinion, for he left without staying for the night. Today I went round to his place myself and read the letter through to him once more, so as to enable him to refresh his memory. Then I asked Bal'nis for his opinion. But he broke a leg off one of his chairs and with the aid of this leg he chased me out on to the street and furthermore said that if I turn up once more with this drivel he will lie my hands up and stuff my mouth with muck from the rubbish pit. These were, of course, on his part rather rude and stupid remarks. I, of course, went away and took the view that he quite possibly had a bad cold and that he was not himself. From Bal'nis I went off to Yekaterinskiy Park and had a go on the rowing boats. On the whole lake, apart from me, there were two or three other boats. And, by the way, there was a very beautiful girl in one of the boats. And she was completely on her own. I turned my boat (incidentally, you have to row carefully when you're turning a boat, because the oars are liable to jump out of the rowlocks) and rowed after the beauty. I felt as though I resembled a Norwegian and I must have cut a fresh and healthy figure in my grey jacket and my fluttering tie and, as they say, had quite a whiff of the sea about me. But near the Orlov Column some hooligans were swimming and, as I rowed past, one of them just happened to have to swim right across my path. Then another of them shouted: -- Wait a minute, while this cross-eyed and sweaty specimen goes past! -- and pointed at me with his foot. This was very disagreeable because the beauty heard every word. And since she was rowing in front of me and in a rowing boat, as everyone knows, you sit with the back of your head towards your direction of movement, the beauty could not only hear, but she could see the hooligan pointing at me with his foot. I tried to make out that all this had nothing to do with me and started to look to the side with a smile on my face. But there wasn't a single other boat around. And at this point the hooligan shouted again: -- Now what do you think you're looking at? We're talking to you, aren't we? Hey, you, the sucker in the cap!