I decided to start out on something that appeared easy to handle and that was the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad roller coaster ride. Boldly, I walked right up to the front of the line with my children. As there were few line-ups at that time of year, we were able to board immediately. This was going to be my first true roller coaster experience. On the other hand, both Ailène and Alexandra were veterans.
The ride took off with a sudden lurch and immediately sped up. Not only were there the usual roller coaster effects, but there was an abruptness to the ride itself. I felt as if I was being thrown about. At the start it was not too difficult to tolerate. As the ride continued, however, I found it to be increasingly anxiety-producing, especially as we went around curves and through dark tunnels. Soon, Alexandra became upset and started to cry. She put her head on my shoulder and hid her eyes with her hands. I found it easier to bend toward her and console her. Therefore, I was able to successfully avoid the experience of the ride myself. It calmed me down. On the other hand, Ailène was laughing, having fun, and holding up her arms throughout the entire ride. At one point, she screamed out for me to look up. I did so, briefly.
As the ride ended, we started to get off. One of the staff persons said as there was no line-up and very few people were getting on the ride, so we could go around again if we wished. Ailène immediately begged me to stay on with her to try it a second time. Alexandra, on the other hand, had had enough and was eagerly looking for her mother.
As we walked away, I pretended to look calm and cool about the situation. In truth, I felt rattled. Ailène asked me if I had enjoyed myself. She also asked me why I was hiding my head throughout the ride. I tried to cover-up my fear. I said that I was actually concerned about Alexandra and her crying and felt the need to calm her down. Ailène said she had had fun and was looking forward to the next ride, Splash Mountain. That next ride was only a few steps away. I felt that I had reached my limit with Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and was thinking of all possible ways that I could avoid going on Splash Mountain.
As we passed by Splash Mountain, I could sense that even Ailène was hesitant about trying it out. I immediately seized on this feeling and managed somehow to get us all to walk past the ride. I am sure if I had had a little more ambition to go on this ride, both girls would have gone on it. Interestingly, several months later Ailène and her girlfriend went down that very ride, and Ailène brought home a picture to show what fun she had had.
I admit that I am a coward of sorts. Sometimes I have even found it difficult to stand in the subway station as a train rushes along the track toward me. I find myself pulling back and turning toward the wall to look away. The sudden gush of air almost takes the breath out of me. I am not sure what this is about. However, it is clear that over the years we have not exposed our daughters to certain types of rides. In a way, our fears have become theirs. It took Ailène’s maturation into adolescence and coaxing from her friends for her to realize that she could have different experiences and reactions from those of her parents.
When I was a child I developed a dislike for certain foods. Some of these dislikes were similar to those of both my mother and my father. However, when I experienced some of these foods as a young man, I thoroughly enjoyed them. It became apparent to me that many of my tastes were in part my parents’ tastes.
There are times when your interests become your child’s interests, and your fears can be their fears. Your child learns a great deal about the world through you and your partner. Until their horizons broaden with exposure to other individuals in their lives and they begin to formulate their own perceptions, they observe you and adopt your reactions.
As a father, you imprint a great deal upon your child. This is not wrong, but it is important for you to be aware of how your child sees you. The way you cope, react to certain situations, involve yourself with others and solve problems — all these behaviours send your child a message. Your child will start out doing the same. In time, however, children also take in aspects of other people that further contribute to their formulations of a sense of identity for themselves.
I am pleased that Ailène can experience other persons as she grows older and is able to combine their attitudes with mine into a life of her own.
PIANO STYLES
My interest in music came from my mother; my father was not able to carry a tune. He was very self-conscious about singing in public, especially in church, and he had absolutely no interest in piano. At the age of twelve, he once purchased a ukulele and tried to learn how to play it. Eventually, he gave up. That instrument is now in my possession.
My mother enjoyed music, especially piano, and at an early age I was encouraged to take piano lessons along with both of my sisters. The problem was that I really did not like to practice. Even though I was encouraged from time to time by both of my parents, I did not go very far with piano. On occasion, my mother would sit down beside me on the piano bench when I did practice. However, with three children taking piano, helping us with our practicing put a strain on her time. As a teenager, I became interested in playing the guitar and actually went back to taking piano and theory lessons so I could write music.
On one occasion when I was about eleven, my father asked me to play the piano in front of visitors who came to our home. I found it difficult to do this and quickly ran out of the room. After the visitors left, my father expressed his disappointment in my behaviour. I have no explanation as to why I did what I did. I felt very self-conscious about his request. I think this feeling of self-consciousness also extended to singing in a choir in front of others. Even though I enjoyed music and could carry a tune, I felt the same way my father did when put in a position in front of others.
My older daughter, Ailène, started playing the piano at the age of five. She picked up on the technique quickly, and with my persuasion learned how to practice on a regular basis. I realized that if I sat down with her at each practice, especially in the early grades, she would stick with it. Ailène was hesitant about playing in front of others; however, with support, she entered a local piano competition on a yearly basis and played in school concerts. She also completed her theory exams each year. Over time, Ailène took more of the initiative in practicing and my presence was less and less required.
By the time she entered the grade five level in piano, she had passed the point where I was able to read the music with her. I decided to take piano lessons and attempted to keep up with her, but it was difficult to do. Those lessons required practice — and much more of a time commitment than I had intended. I was not able to follow through on the lessons beyond the first year. By then, Ailène had anchored herself in a practice routine and was going on quite well alone. She would occasionally request that I sit down and listen to how she was doing, and I made a point of attending every recital and concert she was involved in.
When Alexandra started taking piano, I assumed her learning style would be very much like that of her older sister. But both Alexandra and I were frustrated from the start and I realized my assumption was wrong. Alexandra had her own way of learning to play the piano, and at the beginning I could not see that. She had her own way of grasping the technique of playing, and I was unsure of what she actually needed to do. Sitting down beside her at each practice was obviously not enough. It was just as important to understand how she was learning. It was necessary for Alexandra to withdraw from piano lessons for awhile. I now realize my error.
I learned a valuable lesson, both from my daughters and from my own experience practicing and playing on the piano, that though the learning process is enhanced by the relationship between the parents and the child and the parents’ level of involvement in the activity, the style of involvement is key. On one hand, my mother enjoyed piano and would sit down with me as I started to practice, though it was difficult for her to be consistent. On the other hand, my father did not really enjoy involving himself in any musical activity. He liked music but preferred to sit and listen. He was extr
emely self-conscious about his musical ability (or lack thereof) and I quickly took this attitude upon myself. I internalized the limitations he placed on himself in terms of his own musical abilities. In this way, I held myself back musically.
Looking back, I realize now the importance of my being involved with both of my daughters’ practicing and ways of learning. It was not enough to just sit down with each of them at practice times. I needed to make that concerted effort to be involved with them in their music.
I did manage to check my own attitudes toward music and my self-conscious feelings. I made sure I did not pass these onto my daughters. I was successful in doing this. I did, however, overlook the fact that each of my daughters had her own way of learning, and as Ailène was the oldest, I immediately adopted her style. I unfairly assumed that Alexandra would have the same learning method, but she did not.
This erroneous assumption on my part created stress, especially for Alexandra. I could feel her tension as we both approached the piano. She would do anything to get out of practicing, and on several occasions she wanted to avoid me altogether at these times. What could have been a fun activity had now become a chore for both of us.
Join your children in their interests and activities and have fun with them. Participate in them together. However, also recognize that each child has his or her own learning style, and allow them to take the lead in teaching you how they learn.
YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME
When my daughters reached about seven or eight years of age, they started informing me that some of my interactions were “icky” and embarrassing. As my oldest daughter Ailène entered the teen years, this feeling began to intensify for her.
The feelings developed progressively. As mentioned earlier, one evening when I went into her room to say good night to her, I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. As I stood up, I noticed that she quickly wiped away the kiss with her hand, but tried to do it in a way that I would not see it. However, I did notice it. She said that she recently learned in school that the saliva in a person’s mouth recycles, and therefore the saliva in mine must be forty-eight years old, and likely acidic. She also concluded that this must have caused my tongue to crack, and that perhaps I should not be kissing her anymore. I am not sure if this was just a way to show more of an emotional individuality, or if she was now viewing me as someone from an older generation who is not really “with it,” or both. This reaction that she had to me progressed further, and soon centred on my appearance, the way I presented myself in public, and so on.
Recently Ailène asked me to go to the local mall with her to look at some items of clothing that she was interested in. We drove over to the mall and went inside. As we were walking along, my daughter suddenly darted behind me and ran off in another direction. She rejoined me a few seconds later. I asked her what had happened. She said that she had seen some friends from school approaching us and wanted to avoid them. It was apparent that she didn’t want them to see her with me. When I asked her if that was the case, she said, “Yes; sometimes you embarrass me.”
I now make concerted attempts to not joke around with Ailène like I used to, especially in public. Even though I have succeeded at this, it appears that my very presence at times is somewhat of an embarrassment to her. Often when I wear clothes that I feel are nice, and that match, Ailène is able to find the slightest variation in shade or style and leave me with the feeling that I am incompetent when it comes to being able to dress myself properly.
Alexandra has entered this phase at an earlier age by imitating her older sister. Often when I drive her to school in the morning, she prefers that I do not kiss her on the cheek. However, I may kiss my hand and she then kisses her hand and we then touch hands. No one sees this. She feels more comfortable and less self-conscious about this. Alexandra is only eight years old and I do not recall Ailène feeling this way at that age.
As they grow, both of my daughters seem to feel not just more self-aware but also more self-conscious. They have increasingly become more aware of their own appearances, as they relate to others’. Their network of relating to others is expanding beyond the family, and they have more friends each year. It is important for each of them to express their own independence and feelings of self-mastery. I believe that an important part of this process is the need to target me and to point out my shortcomings. As they become older, they are clearly drawing a distinctive boundary between my generation and theirs, so I do not feel insulted by their comments toward me; I am, however, surprised at how out of date I have suddenly become!
A child needs to express how different they are from you as father. The child is developing their own ways of relating to others and understanding the world. An integral part of this process is that they feel confident enough in their relationship with you to challenge you. How you react to those challenges is very important. If you are able to tolerate their comments about you and not be confrontational with them, you contribute to their sense of self-mastery and feelings of efficacy. As adolescence approaches, your child feels the need to separate from you and individuate. They do this in part by expressing how they differ from you.
As your child moves toward expressing feelings of being self-conscious, they tend to challenge you more. At times you may feel like you are being picked on. This challenging progresses into a feeling that you are embarrassing them, especially around their friends. Often parents will say that when they take their child to a friend’s home or to school, the child may ask to be dropped off a block sooner, so as not to be seen with them.
As a father, you need not feel negative about yourself when you experience these types of interactions with your child. For your child to be able to do this demonstrates that they feel secure in their attachment to you.
HUG FIGHTS
Over the years, my daughters and I have enjoyed wrestling together, whether we wrestled on the bed or on the floor. Sometimes it was quite spontaneous, or was a response to watching a wrestling program on TV. Those programs would make them quite rambunctious. They would announce a fight and insisted on dressing in wrestling attire before we started. They put large work-socks over their hands, pulled on my t-shirts, found a pair of boxer shorts, put on wool caps and — presto — they were ready to do battle. It was quite humorous to look at them wearing these clothes and jumping around in preparation and anticipation of wrestling with father. As soon as the costumes were on, their personas changed and they were ready for the match.
A large blanket on the floor or the bed acted as the wrestling mat. We would crawl onto the blanket and Ailène in particular would signal that she was ready by gritting her teeth. Alexandra had a little bike bell that she would ring to start the round, and soon we would begin rolling around. Sometimes there was a one on one match, and other times they tag-teamed me. Each of them enjoyed my holding them up in the air then putting them down on the mat and laying on top of them. Of course, they would quickly squirm out of my holds.
Alexandra and Ailène worked very hard at trying to pin me to the mat. They often won the matches. Each of us would build up quite a sweat and, on occasion, someone would get a minor scratch or a small injury and start to cry, resulting in a time out being called. Their determination was quite striking; Alexandra in particular was very intense about the situation and would grunt and struggle to get me pinned.
At the end of each match we would hug. This was a given, no matter what. Sometimes while hugging we would wrestle, or vice versa. Somehow, we started calling these matches hug fights — a suitable name for what was a rough and tumble situation, yet at the same time, an intimate activity.
I have noticed that most of my physical interactions with my daughters have been those where they are forever tickling me, poking at me, or pinching me. They also liked, when they were younger, to hold my hand when we were walking down the street. They constantly wanted to play with me, to roughhouse, especially when we were at home.
Their style of interacting with me is
different than their style with their mother. Research has confirmed that this is often the case. Usually a mother and child have more of a homeostatic relationship, an intimate coming together in a quiet manner. This could mean sitting on the couch reading a book, singing, or whatever. Fathers, on the other hand, demonstrate a more disruptive manner; children view fathers as objects to be involved with playfully and physically. With each of my daughters, as much as there is this physical hands-on interaction that occurs, it builds into an intimate hug.
To a child, the father does not simply supply the toy, he is the toy. Your child enjoys jumping up and down on you or generally just playing with you. I believe this is the way the child learns about you as a dad and has fun doing it. As the toy, your child engages with you in a special way. A man has his way to play and to be involved with a child that is different from a woman’s. Your child senses this.
There are many other things that a father does differently with his baby and child. He picks them up differently, holds them differently, and involves himself differently than a mother does. The two styles of father and mother are complementary in a child’s development, and both are very important. Through these interactions, a child learns different ways of relating with others in the outside world.
My daughters chose the right term. “Hug fight” is the perfect description of this unique combination of aggressiveness and intimacy.
WATCHING FROM A DISTANCE
The summer before Ailène entered high school, she was thirteen years old and very excited about the upcoming new experience. She also wanted to try out for the grade nine girls’ basketball team. She knew that basketball was something that she could excel at. It had all started when she was five years of age, and I put up a basketball net in the driveway. I spent time playing with her, and she was able to develop a sense of self-mastery and confidence the more she played the sport. I notice now that my younger daughter, Alexandra, is doing the same.
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