In preparing for the high school tryouts, my daughter attended local basketball camps throughout the summer. She was also quite interested in attending one offered by the Detroit Pistons in Michigan. She was anxious prior to us leaving for Detroit, as she felt that there would be other campers her age that would play much better than she could. She was concerned that she was not good enough. I said that this was not the case, and that these were players who wanted to learn how to further develop their basketball skills, just like she did. I also added that she had been playing league basketball for a number of years, had attended numerous other camps, and that she had developed some very good skills of her own.
As we drove to the camp, another concern arose. Ailène felt that she would not know anyone and would find it difficult to meet new friends. As I spoke to her about this, it became apparent that this was also the feeling that she was having regarding attending high school in September.
Throughout her week at the camp, Ailène quickly met other girls her age with whom she became friends. She enjoyed being there and actively participated in all levels of the camp program.
Karen, Alexandra, and I stayed at a nearby motel. Parents were invited to watch the camp throughout the day, and I chose to sit in the stands on several afternoons. I watched Ailène go through a number of different drills and play several games. While sitting there, I also worked on the outline of this book as well as its content. Occasionally I would glance down at my daughter and watch her, as her team rotated from station to station. I was quite proud of how she was engaging with the other campers, while at the same time developing her basketball skills.
I also noticed that Ailène glanced toward me from time to time. This was a rather large stadium, and there were not very many parents there. It was easy to get lost in the number of empty chairs surrounding each of us. However, Ailène quickly noticed where I was sitting. Each time she glanced at me she would smile, then go back to playing basketball.
During the break, Ailène climbed up the stairs to see me. She brought with her a sports-drink that I was to sample and critique. She stood there briefly and talked, then went back courtside to continue playing with the other campers.
Although Ailène and the other girls were going through routine drills, I enjoyed being there that afternoon to watch. To see this person who was once a baby that I had held in my arms, had watched learn to walk, had seen move away from me to participate in activities with other kids, now standing out there even more on her own, exhibiting her independence … well, you parents get the picture. I was touched that she still felt she needed the reassurance; the security that I was still there in her life. She wanted to be independent, yet she needed to feel the security that I was nearby.
A father assists in setting the stage for that feeling of being special and important. Your involvement contributes to your child’s feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. You help in establishing a secure base for your child to stand on.
Research has shown that the involvement of a father in their lives helps contribute to teen girls’ feelings of confidence, competence, and especially the ability to compete with others. Likewise, research has pointed out that involved fathers help teenage boys to modulate their aggression and to channel it in a respectful, productive manner. A father also contributes to his son’s feelings of self-worth and self-esteem as he enters manhood.
My attendance at Ailène’s basketball camp was important in contributing to her maturing into adolescence. It was only one small thing but it still mattered a great deal to her. Even though she was only acknowledging me in her quick, glancing manner, she did not feel the need to hide behind me anymore.
After she talked to me in the stands, she returned to her new friends. I could feel myself receding once again into the background. My daughter wanted me there, but she also wanted to be on her own.
The relationship with your child is like a wave against the shoreline. It comes in, washes up on the shore, and then recedes. This is all part of the rhythm of the security of the attachment in the relationship with your child. The more able you are to establish a secure base, the better able your child will be to move toward you and then out into the world.
WE NEED EACH OTHER
In the last week of August of each year, our family rents a cottage on a large lake about a two-hour drive from our home. The cottage is actually a lovely two-storey home located along the waterfront with a beautiful sandy beach just a few metres away. It has a beautiful panoramic view of the water.
Three families, all related, own this home, and several times each year these families come together for special occasions. The centrepiece of this home is a large dining table. There are numerous children in the families, so situated around the table are fourteen chairs, with room for several more. For a stranger visiting the home, the size of the table and the number of chairs is quite striking.
One evening during our traditional vacation at the cottage, I was sitting at this table reading. Ailène came over to me and asked me if I had brought the camera. She asked if I would take a picture of her and her sister sitting at the end of this large table, as I had done in other years. This picture has become a tradition when we visit the cottage. Over the years, I have asked my daughters to sit or stand at the end of the table, and I would go to the other end and take a photograph of them. I told Ailène that yes, I had brought the camera and that we would take a picture. They excitedly got into place at the table.
After returning from the cottage, I decided to look at all the photographs that had been taken at that table over the years. I organized them chronologically from when we first started going there as a family. It was interesting to see how my children and family had grown and changed. Some of the earlier photographs are of only one daughter sitting in a high chair, soon to be joined by her sister sitting on her lap. The more recent photos show two rather tall girls standing with their arms around each other, smiling.
Each year, going to this cottage is an event that my family looks forward to. For most families, and especially mine, this opportunity to remove oneself for a week from the daily grind and have time out as a family together is very important. Rules are relaxed, and it is time to have fun. Each year when we return to the cottage, I find it hard to believe how fast the previous year has passed by. Likewise, after we have been there for a week, I am startled by how quickly time at the cottage has gone by.
While we are at the cottage, I often find myself recalling various memories from prior visits, and I feel a sense of pride in my family. The cottage is like a time out in a game. The opportunity is made to review, refresh, and reflect on the past year before we start out on the year about to come.
The living memories you have read about in this book have several common threads. These threads weave a tapestry showing the importance of an involved, responsible father in a child’s life. As an involved, responsible father, you have an essential role in your child’s development. With your involvement and responsibility, you form a nurturing attachment with your child that is extremely important in contributing to how they develop as a person. The relationship formed between you and your child is very special.
The quality of your involvement in what will become a surprisingly short time in your child’s life is entirely up to you and how well you understand your history, yourself, your child, and your partner. To follow your own style, to meet your child at their level, and to enjoy all stages of your child’s development are all ingredients of the quality of attachment you form with your child.
Being there is what it is all about. Your relationship with your child is similar to establishing an investment certificate at the bank, which you “lock in” over a period of time. Just as you cannot tell right away how your investment will do, you are not able, in the short term, to tell how good a father you actually are. However, over time you will reflect back and recall the growth and development of your child. You will see how your investment in your child’s life has mat
ured.
The true value of this certificate becomes apparent when you notice the quality of attachments your child has with other people and their ability to form their own nurturing relationships.
A father needs a child, just as a child needs a father. We need each other.
You as a father are very important in your child’s life. Be there, be involved, be responsible.
Dads can do it!
AFTERWORD
As my own experiences in this book make clear, “father” is a verb, not a noun. Fathering is an activity for life. Fathers change as they and their children age. Experiences with their own fathers inform their fathering abilities. In fact, the seeds of fatherhood are first sown in the child. As the seeds germinate and the quality of the relationship between father and child begins to grow, living memories are created.
As they mature into adulthood, children need to find a way to challenge the authority of their fathers while not destroying the all-important relationship between them. We all need to “freeze the pyjamas;” to communicate with our fathers through symbolic actions such as playing pranks on them, working with them, asking them to share with us the stories of their own fathers and their own childhoods. In that way, we are affirming our own selfhood, while at the same time joining in play together.
This ever shifting process of coming together and growing apart is the dance of the relationship between a father and his child. Now more than ever, our society needs a generation of men who are willing to enter into this dance and embrace their ability to nurture the next generation. After all, one major measure of ourselves as a society is how we encourage involved, responsible fatherhood.
Fathers, enjoy the responsibility, joy, and gift of being a father!
APPENDIX:
10 + 1 TIPS TO BE AN INVOLVED FATHER
1. Support and respect the mother of your children.
By both the mother and the father showing respect for each other, children grow up in a secure, nurturing environment. Strengthen your relationship as a couple by keeping channels of communication and romance open. Children learn from this openness and gain respect for themselves and others through it.
2. Work together as a team, sharing equally in all child-rearing tasks.
Get up at night to help look after your child. Take an active role in supportive fathering of the breastfed baby if your child is a newborn. Discuss concerns and issues you have about your child’s health, safety, and development with your partner. Realize that your partnership means a father’s active involvement as well as mother’s.
3. Spend time with your children.
Read to your child. Play with him or her. Attend your child’s school events, music recitals, and sporting events. Participate in the school classroom, or assist with a field trip. Do an organized activity together, such as hockey or gymnastics. Have fun together doing chores around the home, and let your child help out in his or her own way. Also, just spend some quiet time together. Children want your involvement in their lives and need you to help them develop their sense of self-confidence. Putting your children first may mean reprioritizing your life. The rewards are great and will last a lifetime for both you and your child.
4. Show love and affection toward your child.
Be committed to your child’s emotional well-being. Encourage and teach your child to live a life of intimacy and integrity with respect for others. Reward your child’s desirable behaviour, and be prepared to offer guidance for less positive behaviour. Establishing boundaries, setting reasonable limits, and disciplining in a fair manner might be necessary on occasion. Children need to understand how their behaviour may affect others. This understanding is reflected in a secure, loving, and caring relationship with you.
5. Protect your family.
Enjoy the physical maturation of your child and be aware of your child’s immunization record and visits to the family doctor or dentist. Your child’s health is as much your responsibility as it is the mother’s. If necessary, childproof the home environment, securing items that are potentially dangerous to the child. Teach “street-smarts,” and how your child can learn to take care of him- or herself if necessary. Educate your child about the world outside the home so that he or she is prepared.
6. Spend time together as a family.
Share a meal together on a daily basis. While eating, listen to your children and encourage them to talk about their day. Provide them with support and advice on how to cope with the various situations they experience. You may also want to consider visiting friends and relatives as a family. Go bowling, swimming, skating, fishing, etc. together. Attend a community event. Ask your children to help plan a family vacation and let them assist you in organizing it. Help your children develop good judgment relative to the TV by letting them help to choose a video or TV show, and watch it together. Ideas for family activities are numerous and help a child experience fun with a sense of warmth and security. These feelings will enrich your child’s life as he or she grows.
7. Tell your story.
The history of your parents and your own family can be interesting to your child. A child often feels that the world began at his or her birth. Through your reflections on your past, you provide your child with an intriguing sense of history and of past generations. You need not tell them all the details of your history, only those that leave your child with the feeling that you too were once a child and you grew up and became an involved father.
8. Promote and encourage your place of work to be father-friendly.
Organize a Father’s Day event with your colleagues such as a dads’ picnic. Have photographs of your family displayed at work, and take along pictures your children have made. If possible, promote a “bring your child to work” day. Schedule time in your day-planner to be at home with your child doing homework, attending school, or seeing a movie together. Educate your children about your work environment, and tell them the importance of work to you. They will better understand when they see that you are working for them, and to meet the needs of your family.
9. Set an example.
Be a model to your child for manners, honesty, and self-discipline. Earn the right to be listened to by your children. Remember, your child is watching you and your interactions with others. By setting a nurturing example, you can promote a feeling of acceptance and respect in your own child.
10. Being an involved father is for life.
Your children will grow up and perhaps eventually will have children of their own. Your participation in their lives and those of their children is ongoing. Fatherhood is a lifelong commitment and your relationship with your child is forever.
10+1. Dads can do it!
Believe in yourself, and in your potential to be an active, caring father. Every child deserves a loving, involved father.
Dads Under Construction Page 8
