Abiding Love: Banished Saga, Book Eight

by Flightner, Ramona

  Delia nodded as she took a sip of her tea. “Hard to believe that the German flying ace has died. Hopefully this will mean our boys have more of a fighting chance.”

  Zylphia slumped into her chair. “I fear this war will never end. It seems like it’s been going on forever.”

  “It seems longer to you because Teddy was involved from the beginning. For most here in America, the War just started for us last year.”

  Zylphia hugged a pillow to her chest. “For me, it’s been almost four years now.”

  A long silence ensued in the room, only disturbed by the sound of the fire in the grate, the servants working in other rooms and birds chirping outside. As the minutes slowly passed, the tension eased from Zylphia, and she smiled at her mother.

  “You seem better, Zee,” her mother whispered. Delia, a striking woman at sixty-five, refused to dye her black hair mixed with gray as she celebrated her age. Her gaze roved over her daughter, who appeared more at peace and less brittle than during their last visit.

  “I am. I think I will always be haunted by what happened to me. By what I lost and what I nearly lost.” She shared a long look with her mother. “But I am finding my way back again.” She smiled as her mother’s gaze was tear-filled. “Thank you for always having faith in me.”

  “You are my daughter, Zee. I will always love you and support you in any way I can.” At her daughter’s nod, she asked, “Have you finally discussed with Teddy the reasons behind your separation?”

  “He has forgiven me for my actions last fall. For what I have trouble forgiving myself for.” She shuddered. “I still find it difficult accepting that the outcome wouldn’t have been different had I not acted in a more sensible manner.”

  Her mother gripped her hand. “Zee, you will always have these doubts. But you must accept that you are human. That you make mistakes and learn from them.” Her gaze became more somber. “I was referring to the initial reason behind your separation from Teddy.”

  Zylphia frowned and then nodded. “Oh, you mean his reluctance to apply for American citizenship so I can be an American again?” Her jaw clenched with residual anger. “I am not mad with him, but I will never forgive my government for stripping me of my birthright simply because I married the man I love.”

  Delia nodded. “You attempted to do what you could to sway their attitude when you spoke in front of Congress in December, Zee. None were persuaded.”

  Zylphia snorted. “I hate that there are always two standards. One for men and one for women. Why should I have to suffer the consequences of falling in love with a man who is not from this country, and yet men marry women from other countries with no concern of losing their rights as a citizen?” She wrapped her arms around her middle and took a deep breath before exhaling. “I haven’t spoken with Teddy. I fear another argument.”

  Delia gave her a look of rapprochement. “That will only occur if you attack like a terrier and fail to listen.” She softened her tone as her daughter frowned at her words. “Listen, Zee. Listen to Teddy. For once, determine why he doesn’t want to pursue citizenship. When you do, I believe you will find peace. With him and with yourself.”

  * * *

  A few evenings later Teddy entered his study, pausing to find Zylphia curled on the settee. A fire lit the grate, and a gentle warmth pervaded the room. She stared at the painting over his desk, a vibrant rendering of the Public Gardens in spring. “I like it almost as much as the first painting you gifted me.”

  Her lips lifted in the beginnings of a smile before she stretched out on the settee. She focused on him as he pulled a chair next to the settee and sat. He kicked off his shoes and propped his feet near her belly. He shivered as she stroked a hand down his feet and then up his calf, her hand moving with absentminded purpose. Sighing as he relaxed into his chair, his shoulders dropped and his head rolled back.

  “Why continue the charade?” she whispered.

  He stiffened and opened his eyes to study her. “Zee? What are you talking about?”

  She shook her head in frustration. “I used to think Parthena a fool for continuing with her marriage as it was. For never demanding that things change.” She met Teddy’s shuttered gaze. “And here I am, doing the exact same thing.”

  He sat up, dropping his feet to the ground so he could lean forward, breaking contact with her. “Would you please cease speaking in riddles? I’m tired after a long day of work and entertaining family.”

  A flash of hurt sparked in her eyes, quickly replaced by indignation. “I used to be as important as your work.”

  His brows furrowed, and he rubbed at his temple. “I never said you weren’t. Zee, you’ve been prickly for weeks. Tell me what the matter is.”

  She sat up, her face red and eyes drenched in pain. “Why won’t you touch me? Why do you shy away from any intimacy with me?” Her breath hitched, and she batted away his hands when they reached for her. “No! Explain to me why you’ve acted like you have.”

  He outstretched his hand toward her as though approaching a potentially rabid animal and uncertain as to his touch’s reception. When his featherlight caress on her hand elicited a shudder, he clasped it, raising it to his mouth to kiss it. “The doctor advised me that I needed to wait a few months before reinitiating any intimacy with you. That I needed to give you time to heal.” He frowned as tears coursed down her cheeks.

  He smiled at her with abject tenderness. “You’d never been shy about showing me what you desired in the past. I thought to give you the space and time you needed without compelling you to do something out of duty.”

  “Oh, Teddy,” she whispered. “I thought you didn’t want me anymore. That you were satisfied holding me in your arms every night after a kiss to my forehead.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Never, my love. Not even when I’m ninety will that be enough.” He sobered as he studied her. “I love you. I desire you. I cherish you.” He waited a moment for her to subtly nod her acknowledgment of his words. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do or deny myself to ensure you had what you wanted.”

  She tugged on his hand, pulling him to the settee. She slid so she was flush against the back of the settee on her side.

  Teddy settled next to her and pulled her into his arms.

  “I love you, Teddy. I feared you no longer wanted me after … after what happened last fall.”

  “I will always regret what happened last fall. Not because I believe you could have done anything differently, but because I treated you terribly.” He bowed his head and shuddered as she kissed it.

  “We’ve had to forgive each other, my darling. And I have. I’ve cherished my time with you,” Zylphia whispered. “After all those months of conflict, to have this time of harmony and peace …” She pushed herself further into his embrace, unable to speak as tears threatened.

  He held her a few moments before easing her away. He leaned over, kissing her tenderly. “Although I love this settee and have many fond memories on it, will you come to bed with me, darling? I’d prefer our bed for what I’ve dreamed of doing with you.”

  He smiled as she giggled and held his hand out to her.

  She rose, leaning on her toes to kiss him.

  “God, Zee,” he rasped as he broke from their impassioned embrace. “I’m trying to be chivalrous. To be gentle.”

  “To hell with that,” she whispered. “I want you, Teddy. As you are. I want to know you missed me as much as I’ve missed you.”

  His hand shook as it swiped at a loose tendril of raven hair on her cheek. “We may be abed for a month,” he whispered and then grabbed her hand and raced upstairs with her, exulting in her laughter.

  * * *

  “When are you returning to Washington?” Teddy whispered. Although he attempted to remain relaxed and calm with her in his arms, he stiffened after the question burst out.

  She snuggled into his embrace and yawned. “When would you like me to go?”

  He growled, the sound a rumbling in her
ear as she had her cheek resting on his chest. “I never said I wanted you to go.”

  “What would you like me to do?”

  He scooted down so that they were face-to-face with noses nearly touching. They shared the same pillow, and he stared deeply into her eyes. “I hate that I can’t see you well with the long shadows in this room,” he murmured, her face half in shadow with the only light on behind her. After another moment of stalling, he cleared his throat. “I want you to remain here. With me. To hold in my arms every night. To share silly stories with or inane jokes. To smell paints and turpentine, and to know you are creating art again. I want this house to continue to feel like a home because you are in it.”

  He swept a finger over one of her eyebrows. “And yet I know that is unfair of me. I have no right to ask you to remain here when your cause is precious to you.” He closed his eyes when she continued to stare at him and remained silent. “Forgive me. I was too blunt.”

  She grabbed his injured hand and kissed it. She pushed until he lay beneath her, and she leaned over him, her face no longer hidden in shadows. She traced trembling fingers over his face, marveling that his eyes closed at her soft touch. “I love you,” she whispered, smiling when she saw the pleasure those words invoked. “I never dared hope you wanted me here again. Not after last year’s events.” She blinked away tears. “Part of the reason I remained an invalid was so that you wouldn’t expect me to leave.”

  He wrapped his arms around her, tugging her to him. “Never, my darling. Stay here with me forever, and I will be the happiest of men.” He kissed her head. After a few moments, he sighed. “However, I know it’s unfair of me to keep you from your pursuits.”

  “Now that President Wilson is backing full enfranchisement, I’m certain there will be work to do here in Massachusetts.” She kissed his chest and smiled. “I’ll make work for myself.” She raised luminous eyes to meet Teddy’s tender gaze. “I don’t want to go back. I’m afraid to go back.”

  His arms tightened around her. “Returning to Washington doesn’t mean we’d return to the animosity between us.”

  She attempted to nestle closer into him. “It feels like tempting fate.” She kissed his chest again. “I loved my time there and what I accomplished. But the price was almost too high.”

  “We never talk about what initially drove us apart.”

  “Rowena advised me once that I would desire harmony more than anything else, and she was correct. I don’t want to fight anymore, Teddy.”

  He moved so that her head rested on his arm and so they could look into each other’s eyes. “Even though you feel cheated, every day, by me and by your government? How long will you be content?”

  She traced the worry lines along his forehead and lost herself in his concerned gaze. “Will you tell me the truth? Why are you opposed to changing your citizenship?”

  He flinched at her whispered words before closing his eyes.

  “No matter what you say, my love, I’ll not think less of you.”

  He sputtered out a mirthless laugh. “There’s no need. I think less of myself already.” At her soft caress on his cheek, he met her compassionate gaze and sighed. “I knew the United States would enter the War if it lasted long enough. It was only a matter of time.” He let out a stuttering breath. “And I can’t take the risk that they would deem me healthy enough to draft. I can’t go back there, Zee.” For a moment, she saw the terror and devastation the War had wrought before he blinked and hid it.

  “Oh, Teddy,” she whispered, pushing herself into his arms and holding him close. “I never suspected. Can you forgive me?”

  He shook as he held her. “For what?”

  “For never considering your fears and only focusing on myself and my anger.” She pushed back and swiped at her cheeks, wet with silent tears. “Last year, my mother told me that I needed to listen to you and discover why you were opposed to changing your citizenship, but I was too stubborn. And I allowed the distance and animosity to grow between us for no reason.”

  “I didn’t want you to see me as a coward.”

  She froze at his words and paused as she met his shuttered eyes. “Coward? How could you possibly believe I’d consider you a coward?” She sat up, straddling his lap and grasping his cheeks between her hands. “You are the bravest, most honorable man I know, Teddy Goff.” His eyes shone with unshed tears at her words, and she gently stroked her fingers over his eyebrows. “You suffered horribly when you were on the Front, things I don’t even want to contemplate. I would have died if you had to return there.” She blinked, and tears coursed down her cheeks. “I would never have fought you if I’d known your fears. For they would have been my greatest fear as well.”

  She leaned forward and embraced him. “I can’t lose you, Teddy. I love you.” She gasped as his arms clamped around her and squeezed all the breath out of her.

  After many minutes of holding each other, Teddy whispered, “When the War is over, I’ll apply for citizenship. I want you to vote, my darling Zee.”

  She sobbed, burying her head in his shoulder.

  Chapter 5

  Missoula, Montana, May 1918

  Clarissa McLeod worked the front desk of the library, laughing and chatting with a patron as she checked out books for a young mother and her children. Clarissa had worked at the library since she had first arrived in Missoula in 1901 before she married Gabriel. Then, the library had been above a storefront on Higgins Avenue, and she had had plenty of free time to exchange stories with Mr. A. J. Pickens, her friend and mentor who had died in 1914. Now, the two-story library was located one block off Higgins and always bustled with patrons.

  Clarissa smoothed back a tendril of loose chestnut hair and sighed with contentment at the sight of mothers and children sitting in the reading room as they looked over books they had checked out. Her three eldest children were frequent visitors to the library, although they were often too energetic for a few of the patronesses. She tried to bring books home every few days for them to read and share. Her husband, Gabriel, enjoyed the ritual of reading them a bedtime story every night.

  She focused on the head librarian, Hester Loken, who intently read a letter. “You look as though you’ve seen a ghost,” Clarissa teased. When Hester raised confused eyes and motioned to follow her, Clarissa entered the back room and shut the door behind them. “We shouldn’t leave the front unattended for long.”

  Hester waved away Clarissa’s concerns and thrust the sheet of paper at Clarissa, whose brows furrowed as she read the missive. Hester waited, then spoke. “How can they do such a thing? We are to be an institution that fosters learning and tolerance!”

  “Shh,” Clarissa hissed. “You never know who’s listening.” She whispered in such a low voice that Hester had to lean in so that their foreheads nearly touched. “We can’t get rid of these books.”

  “We can’t get rid of any books! It’s against everything the library stands for!” Hester’s eyes were lit with passionate indignation. “Besides, they’re all German books.”

  Clarissa nodded as she looked at them. “I fear, if we don’t remove them, someone will come in to do a spot check, and we’ll be in trouble.” She shared a grimace with Hester. “You know Mrs. Vaughan would relish any opportunity to show that we are lax in our duties here.” Mrs. Vaughan vied with her sister, Mrs. Bouchard, for town gossip, and the two were meddlesome busybodies who loathed Clarissa and her family. They were also patronesses of the library and would rejoice in any reason to see Clarissa dismissed from her duties.

  “And she’d celebrate in calling us traitors because we refused to remove these books.” Hester scrubbed at her face. “I’ve heard some towns in the state have gone a step further and burned those on the list.”

  Clarissa sighed, rubbing at her forehead. “For now, let’s crate them and put them back here. I’ll see if Colin or Gabriel can come by tonight, and we’ll store them at one of our homes.”

  “That could prove dangerous, Rissa,” Hes
ter warned.

  “I know. But ignorance and fear are worse.” She gripped Hester’s stooped shoulders a moment and moved to the front, forcing a smile at the patron waiting to check out a book. After waving goodbye to the customer, Clarissa pulled out the list of books to be banned and moved quietly through the library’s stacks, extracting the books on the list. When she was finished, she pushed the cart to the back room. “Do we have a crate?” she asked Hester.

  Hester nodded, pointing to an open crate next to her desk. She rose, aiding Clarissa in packing the books. “Aren’t there more in German?”

  “Yes, but they aren’t on the list.” Clarissa looked at the crate with satisfaction as it was only half full.

  “I’d remove all of them. You know how some of our patronesses can be.” She pinned Clarissa with an intense stare. “We both know this violates our beliefs, but we must act in such a way to protect the library and to ensure that our vision of the library endures during this time. Which means, we continue to work here. If we give the appearance we are complying with their mandate, we will be safe.”

  Clarissa shook her head as she knelt by the crate. “You’re giving in, Hester. If they want more books banned, they should list them too. We shouldn’t have to strip the entire library of anything to do with Germany or the German language.”

  Hester sighed. “Ideologically you’re correct. Practically it’s idiotic. Sometimes you have to act as though you’re playing their game. This is one of those times.” When Clarissa continued to glare at her mutinously, Hester pushed herself off the floor. “I’ll determine what other books should be culled.”

  Clarissa sat next to the crate of books and closed her eyes. As though conjuring her old mentor and friend, Mr. Pickens, she heard his advice in her mind. Ain’t no use wishin for how things ain’t, Missy. Ye gotta live with how things are. Quit yer bellyachin’ an’ dillydallyin and live fer today. She smiled, squared her shoulders and rose, intent on aiding Hester.