Silent Honor

by Danielle Steel

  “I don't suppose he would be,” Takeo answered honestly. “But on the other hand, he is a very wise, unusually modern man for a Japanese. In an odd way, I think he'd like you. That's not to say that I'm approving of this,” he was quick to add, but in all honesty, he couldn't condemn him either. He liked Peter too much, and respected him deeply. He was intelligent, and had integrity, and he was honorable in all the ways that would have mattered to Masao. But he also wasn't Japanese, and he was almost ten years older than Hiroko. There was no easy solution, to put it mildly.

  “Are you going to say anything to Hiroko?” Takeo asked, looking worried.

  “I don't know yet. She'd probably be horrified and never speak to me again. I don't think she's ready for this, Tak. I'm not sure I am either.” The thought of reaching out to her terrified him. What if she was furious, and never saw him again? He knew he couldn't bear it. “Not to mention Carole. I have some things to work out there. I've been meaning to for a while, we've kind of been going our own ways. I was actually relieved when she told me she was spending Thanksgiving in Milwaukee.”

  “So now what?” Takeo asked, not condemning him for what he felt, or forbidding him to pursue the matter further, although he thought he probably should have. But more than anything, he was worried about both of them, and what might lie ahead for them in the future.

  “I just don't know, Tak. I'm too scared to do anything.” But he looked relieved as he watched his friend's eyes. He saw compassion there and not anger. He had been desperately afraid of Tak's reaction.

  “I never thought you were a coward,” Takeo said calmly. It was not a flag of his approval, but it was a sign that he would not stop Peter from moving forward, and Peter felt relief flood over him as he listened. “I think you ought to tread carefully, though, and think seriously about what you're doing. She's not someone to take lightly, and whatever you do now could affect both your lives forever.” But his respect for the younger man kept him from forbidding it completely.

  “I know,” Peter said solemnly. “That's just what I've been telling myself since this summer.”

  “I know you won't do anything to hurt her,” Takeo said pointedly, and Peter nodded. They talked around the subject then for a while, and finally went back to politics briefly, for some relief, before going back to the living room to join the others. Hiroko barely glanced at him, and had no inkling of what the two men had been discussing. She would have been utterly shocked if they had told her, which of course they didn't. They looked quiet and relaxed as they sat down, and listened to the debate as to whether or not the young people wanted to go to the movies.

  In the end, Ken and Sally went to see The Wolf Man, with Lon Chaney, Jr. They wanted Hiroko to go with them too, but she said she was too tired. She had helped Reiko all afternoon, and she was happy to stay home and work on her needlepoint, and chat with Peter. She was making half a dozen tiny rugs for Tami's dollhouse, and she wanted to finish them before Christmas. And as soon as Tami went to bed, Hiroko took them out and began working on them, just as Tak followed Reiko back to the kitchen. She said she was going to make more coffee, and Takeo went with her to keep her company, and there was something he wanted to tell her. He was concerned about his conversation with Peter, and yet he was sympathetic to him too, and he wanted to know what Reiko thought about it. She was a very wise woman. And she was far from suiprised as they talked in hushed tones over the coffee she was making. But what worried Tak was that he felt he had tacitly given Peter permission to pursue Hiroko, and he didn't think he should have.

  “It's not up to you, Xak,” Reiko said quietly, with loving eyes as she looked up at her husband. “It's up to them,” she said softly, and he nodded, wondering if he had failed Masao by not protecting Hiroko from Peter. Yet he knew he couldn't.

  And in the living room, Peter watched Hiroko's careful stitching. They sat in silence for a little while, and then Hiroko startled him with her next question.

  “Have I offended you, Peter-san?” In spite of Reiko's reassurances, it had troubled her all evening.

  “No, Hiroko, you could never offend me,” he said as he sat down next to her, and felt his whole body shiver with her nearness. She was completely unaware of what she did to him, and of all that he had felt for her since the day he met her. “You haven't done anything. It is I … I have been very foolish.” He didn't know what to say to her. He just sat and looked at her, wondering if she would ever forgive him.

  “I cannot come here anymore,” he said, and she looked horrified. In her mind, he was part of the family, and she would have missed him terribly if he hadn't been there. But she had felt it too. She had no idea what he had been experiencing, but each time she was near him, she felt a tremor. And she lowered her eyes as she listened to him, knowing that her cousins would be very angry with her for chasing away their closest friend, and Tak's assistant.

  “I have behaved very badly, Peter-san,” she said without looking up at him. “I have been too forward with you, it is only,” she said softly, looking up at him, “it is only that I think of you as a cousin.” But he only shook his head as he listened.

  “You have done nothing wrong, Hiroko …nothing…. The only trouble is, I do not think of you as a cousin.”

  “I am deeply sorry,” she said, her head bowed so low, he couldn't see her face. “I have been badly behaved, and presumed much. I have been rude to you.” She looked up at him with tears on her face, and he wanted to cry himself when he saw her. “Forgive me—”

  “Oh, Hiroko, you little fool.” He smiled, and pulled her close to him. It was like holding butterfly wings, she seemed so fragile. “You haven't been rude to me, or ‘presumed’ anything. … I don't think of you as a cousin,” he said breathlessly, wondering if he could even say the words to her, and yet knowing he had to. “I think of you as someone much, much more important…. Perhaps it's wrong of me,” he went on anxiously. “I …have tried to stop myself, but, Hiroko, each time I see you …each time …” He faltered, and without saying another word he pulled her closer and kissed her. Her lips were like silk on his, and he couldn't believe how exquisite it felt to be holding her. He wanted to take her in his arms and run away with her, to a place where they both would be safe forever. “I may be crazy,” he said when he finally pulled away from her, drunk on the heady wine of her kisses. She had kissed him too. She had never kissed anyone before, but she had felt all the same things he did. “I may be crazy,” he said again in a whisper in Reiko's living room, “but I love you….” He kissed her again, and completely forgot where they were as she kissed him.

  “You are crazy, Peter-san,” she said finally. “We cannot do this.”

  “I know that,” he said unhappily. “I've tortured myself. I've promised myself I wouldn't come here anymore, but each time I do, I realize again what I feel for you. How can that be so wrong? Tell me that.” But they both knew it was, and he would have been willing to die before he hurt her. “I want you near me all the time. I want to take care of you…. I'll go back to Japan with you, if I have to.”

  “Oh, Peter,” she said, overwhelmed by what he was saying. She had no idea what her father would say. She couldn't imagine him approving of this, and yet all her life he had told her to be modern. And falling in love with an American was certainly very modern. She could only begin to imagine what her mother would say. She would be appalled at Hiroko's behavior. And even her cousins would be shocked, but Peter read her mind as he took her hand in his and kissed it.

  “I think Tak saw this coming almost before I did. I told him how I felt earlier this evening,” he said honestly.

  “Was he very angry?” she asked, looking worried and panicked that Takeo might tell her father.

  “Not angry, concerned. I can't blame him. But he didn't seem surprised. I think he's known for a while. At first I think he compared you to Reiko. She was a student when they met, and he was a young professor, and he was older than she was too. But it's different for us, Hiroko. I thin
k you know that,” he said sadly. She had already had a taste, at school, of how people reacted to the Japanese, let alone Japanese women involved with Caucasians. In the state of California, they wouldn't even have been allowed to get married. They would have had to go to another state, not that they were planning a wedding. But it was a measure of how hostile other people's sentiments might be to their innocent romance. “I don't want you to get hurt, Hiroko, least of all by anything I do. That's the last tiling I want for you,” he said, kissing her again, and feeling his head reel as he did it. No woman had ever made him feel as she did, and she was just a wisp of a girl, and her kisses were like whispers, they were so timid. But as they kissed, it was impossible not to think of the challenges they were facing. What would they do now? Or could they simply do what anyone else did, and let chance take them where it would, and enjoy the scenery while they got there? They had no idea where they were going yet, but what they both felt was so powerful, it swept them away on a tide of tenderness and longing.

  “We must think about this very seriously, Peter-san,” Hiroko said, looking older and wiser than he felt at the moment. Peter felt like a child in her arms, and at the same time like a man filled with passion. He would have married her at that moment if he could have. “We must be very wise, Peter-san …and per-haps”—her eyes filled with tears as she said it—-”perhaps we must be very strong, and give up what we want most…. We cannot hurt anyone, Peter-san. …

  I cannot do that,” she said as tears rolled down her cheeks slowly, but as he held her close again, she knew how much she loved him.

  “Are you two all right in there?” Takeo called from the kitchen, with an edge of worry in his voice. And neither of them were sure what to answer. Peter answered him and said they were fine, and Reiko said she'd be out with the coffee in a minute. She was still talking to Tak about them in the kitchen. Reiko thought they ought to let them be young and follow their feelings. And Tak was trying to tell himself it was harmless, but he wasn't convinced yet.

  “Will you go for a walk with me tomorrow afternoon?” Peter asked nervously. “Perhaps we can talk about this some more…. Maybe we could even go to a movie.” Hiroko looked at him, unable to believe what was happening to them, and she nodded. She couldn't even imagine going to a movie with him, and being alone with him frightened her. Yet, although she had never been alone with any man, except her father in Japan, she knew she could trust Peter Jenkins.

  Reiko arrived with the coffee then, finally. The foursome talked for a while about Christmas plans, and the university, and a little while later, Peter left them. He thanked Reiko for another wonderful Thanksgiving. This one had been a special year for him. He knew that something had happened there that would change his life forever.

  Hiroko bowed low to him, as she always did, but she seemed even more solemn this time. He had al-ready promised to come the next afternoon to walk with her. There was suddenly so much to say and think about. And yet she was silent after he left. She said nothing to either of her cousins once Peter was gone. She simply walked upstairs, thinking of him, as they watched her. She had no idea what would happen to them now, and neither did Peter as he drove home, but they both knew that without even planning to, they had left safe shores, and set sail on an extraordinary journey.

  Chapter 7

  PETER CAME to pick her up the following afternoon, and as it turned out, no one else was home. Hiroko was wearing a dark green kimono, which was a serious color for her, but she was in a serious mood as they walked along slowly together. Peter explained again how he felt about her, and when he had realized for the first time that he loved her. She had known it too. She had tried not to, and she was still a little taken aback by her own emotions, and the fact that he felt the same way toward her. But each time she had seen him, she had been aware of an irresistible pull in his direction. And now they had both given in to irrevocable forces.

  “What are we going to do, Peter-san?” she asked him then, looking deeply troubled. She didn't want to hurt anyone, or betray her ancestry. She had not come to America to disgrace her family, or damage their honor. Yet a part of her told her that she had come here to find him, and she could no longer turn away from what had happened.

  “We have to be very sensible, Hiroko-san. And very wise. You will be here until July. Many things can happen between now and then. Perhaps I can come to Japan to see your father next summer.” The fact that he scarcely knew her was the one thing that didn't trouble her at all. She would have been prepared to marry a man found by a go-between, and she would have known him even less than she knew Peter Jenkins. The problem they shared was that he was not Japanese, and that was potentially an insurmountable one. “What do you think your father will say?” he asked, looking anxious.

  “I don't know, Peter-san,” she said honestly. “It will be a great shock to him. Perhaps Uncle Takeo can speak to him also next summer.” And then she looked at him with a womanly smile that surprised him. “And until then?”

  “We see where life takes us. Perhaps by next summer you won't want to see me again.” He smiled, but the way they both felt, it seemed unlikely.

  He had driven her to a small lake, where they'd been walking, and they sat on a bench for a while and kissed. He took her breath away, and she had never known anything so exciting.

  “I love you,” he whispered into her hair, completely inebriated by her. She was the most wonderful woman he'd ever met, the best thing that had ever happened to him. And suddenly, he didn't even want to tell her cousins what had happened between them. Even sharing it with Tak and Reiko might spoil it.

  But on the way home, they discussed whether or not to tell her cousins about all their plans and their feelings. In the end, they decided to wait for a while, to see what happened, and to keep the importance of it to themselves, at least for the moment. There was something especially delicious about not sharing it yet, and keeping their precious secret. Takeo already knew how Peter felt; but what no one knew, and Peter cherished, was how Hiroko felt about him.

  “I think they know anyway,” Peter said honestly, smiling down at her, he was so much taller. “But your little cousins would drive us crazy.” Hiroko laughed at the thought, and then wondered what her own brother would say. He liked everything American, but it had never occurred to any of them that she would fall in love with one. It was the remotest thing on her mind when she had sailed on the Nagoya Maru from Kobe. And she knew they wouldn't have let her come, if they suspected for a moment that this would happen.

  Peter left her at the corner, after the drive home, because they wanted to be discreet. He watched her walk the short distance to the house, and then started the car again, thinking about her every moment. He couldn't help thinking about Tak too, and prayed that he would be able to accept what had happened. He and Hiroko had been pulled toward each other irresistibly. They had no desire to hurt anyone, or break any rules, or defy her family. They just wanted to be together, and hoped that eventually everyone would come to understand it. But for the moment, it was going to be awkward, in more areas than one. He still had to talk to Carole and break off their affair. He knew she wouldn't be heartbroken, but she wasn't going to be happy either. And despite all his good intentions to go into the city the next day after work, he went to see Hiroko instead, and hung around in the afternoon, until Reiko invited him to dinner. She knew what was happening, but she didn't say anything. In a way, the visible pull between them was very touching. Peter was so solicitous of her, and Hiroko was so respectful of him. She seemed to be even more attentive to him these days, and bowing even lower.

  But as he watched them, Takeo almost wished he didn't have to see it. It wasn't that he disapproved, but it put him in such an awkward position with his cousin Masao. How was he ever going to explain to him that Hiroko had fallen in love with Tak's assistant? And yet he couldn't help smiling as he watched them. They were so young and so vulnerable. It made Tak's heart ache just to watch them together.

 
After dinner that night, they all went to the movies, and Takeo invited Peter to go with them. And Tak smiled to himself at the look of complicity between Hiroko and Peter. They thought no one could possibly see what they felt, and Peter thought they were very smooth, which made Takeo turn away and hide his laughter. There was nothing secret about what the two young people were experiencing. Anyone who met them would have seen it. They saw Suspicion, with Cary Grant and Joan Fontaine, and all of them loved it, and they went back to the house for hot chocolate, and Peter finally had to tear himself away from her at midnight. Their eyes met and held for a long moment as he left them. She was going back to school the next day, and when they left the movie, Peter had said he would call her at school. Ken was going to drive her back, as he always did, or she might take the train, but neither of them thought it was wise for Peter to do it.

  The next day, when she left in her black skirt and white sweater set, her Aunt Reiko looked at her, and a knowing, womanly look passed between them.

  “Don't do anything foolish, little one,” Reiko said to her, holding her close for a moment, as she would her daughter. “It's easy to get carried away,” she warned, and Hiroko nodded. She didn't know much about those things, but her mother had warned her a long time ago to stay away from men. And even kissing Peter as she did, she could see how something terrible could happen.

  “I won't dishonor you, Reiko-san,” she said, holding her close, and missing her mother.

  “Take good care of yourself,” Reiko said, and Hiroko knew what she meant. She didn't want her to be foolish.

  “I will be back soon, Aunt Rei.” She was going to stay at school for the next few weekends, because they had exams, and then she would be off for three weeks over Christmas. She was looking forward to it, especially now. And with his position at the university, Peter would be off at the same time she was.