She didn't even hesitate to include Ember and me in that analysis. Everyone is going to be just fine when I'm gone. They have Lynette to take care of them. I'm not going to stand here being a martyr and say they won't even miss me. Of course, they will, and I'll miss them, but I have to get out of here.
I wrap my arms around her. She doesn't even hesitate to hold me close to her. “I love you, Mom. I need you to know that.” I heard her gasp when I called her mom, but she just absorbs it while holding me tighter in her arms.
“I love you, too, my beautiful daughter.”
Why couldn't Celia hold me and tell me she loved me with this much ease?
When I was little, if I tried to hug Celia, she'd flinch, hugging me half-heartedly, tapping my back slightly before pushing me off her. By the time I was nine, I learned not to hug her. I would just hug my teddy bear instead and wish it was my daddy.
I never want Ember to feel the way I did when I was younger. I never want her to cry at night over the daddy she loved and believes to be dead. Luckily for me, she's too young to remember Tank. She'll miss him for a little while. But that will fade.
This is right for us, Ember and me. So why do I feel like it's anything but as we drive away from the only family we have?
Why is my heart breaking like this?
I swipe at the tears falling down my cheeks as I put even more distance between us and Tank. I just need to get to a motel for the night, then I can really think about what the hell I'm going to do.
After two hours on the road, I pull up outside a bed and breakfast in a small town called Moxton. The place is so small I doubt it's even on the map. It's a quaint little place, small wooden church in the center of town, one diner, where I bet everyone knows everyone. There's a small bank, a library, small school, couple shops. I bet there's less than a couple hundred people live here. Too secluded for me, but fine for tonight. I just need a place to rest my head.
After lifting a grumpy Ember from her seat and grabbing her diaper bag and my purse, we head on inside. The place is nothing but a mocked up British, Victorian style home. Three stories of museum-like furniture and I can tell why from the elderly British lady who greets me at the front desk as soon as I walk in.
“Welcome. Welcome. Are you looking for a room for the night or directions to the next town?” This sweet old lady has a sweet voice to go with her attitude.
“A room, please. We've had a long drive and my daughter is a little grumpy and tired.”
The old lady, who I'd say is in her seventies, smiles kindly and tells me that her name is Elizabeth and that her daughter is mayor of this small town, her son the sheriff. She runs this place with her husband, not that they get too many people passing through needing a room for the night. Not that they're short of money, this place is just a hobby for them.
She shows me to a double room on the second floor, apologizes for the fact she doesn't have a crib for Ember, then tells me where the shower is.
After grabbing some towels and handing them to me, she tells me that supper will be ready in ten minutes. I wasn't expecting that. She's only charging me thirty bucks for the night, and that includes breakfast. God only knows how she affords to run the place only charging that much.
Elizabeth's husband, Arty, is also British, and over a supper of spaghetti and sauce, he tells me all about how they met when they were teens, fell in love and followed their dreams to move here, start a business and family. I've never known such a sweet couple in all my life. Arty is so sweet with Ember, making funny faces and weird noises just to make her laugh. Until she starts calling for Tank – her daddy.
I sigh heavily.
“Whatever her father did to hurt you, was it worth running away because of?”
I smile slightly in Elizabeth's direction. I'm glad she can't see any of the bruises Mike left on my face thanks to the makeup I've used to cover them. These poor elderly people would think I was running from my man because he beat me. Thank god the split in my lip isn't big.
“In all honesty, I don't know,” I tell them.
The whole time I've been sitting with these people, all I've thought about is what Tank and I might be like when we're old and grey. Will we still love each other like this? Will we still want to be near each other with no thought of being apart?
I also can't stop thinking about how much I'm hurting Ember. I swore never to hurt her again. I allowed her to form a tight bond with Tank, so tight she believes him to be her daddy. I saw the emotion in his eyes the first time he heard her calling him that. And I saw the hurt when I snapped at him about it.
I don't understand why I reacted the way I did to him being angry with me for what I did. Of course, he'd be angry, shocked, confused. Maybe if I'd been honest with him, to begin with, told him who I really was, none of this would've happened. He would've stood by my side, strong and proud of who I am, proud to call me his.
What the hell have I done?
I love that man with every piece of me. He deserves to know the truth about who I am. Once he knows, he can choose whether or not to walk away. I need to put my faith in the man who loves not only me but my daughter too.
“Did he beat you?”
They did notice. Typical.
“No,” I chuckle. Tank would never lay a hand on me. He wouldn't live very long should he try.
“Mistreat you?”
I shake my head at Elizabeth with a smile on my face while wiping Ember's face and hands before lifting her in my arms and rocking her. She enjoyed her food, but now she's tired.
“He's a good man, I'm just not very confident in my ability to love him enough.”
“Us men aren't as complicated as you'd think.” Don't all men say that? “All we really need is the love of a good woman. Never doubt yourself, Nova. How that little girl trusts you to love her, that's how your man will trust you. I bet he'd follow you to the ends of the earth if it meant he could just see you smile.”
I bet he would too. The thought makes me smile. I've never wanted anybody the way I want Tank. Never have I wanted to literally spend my whole life with anyone the way I do him. Ember may not be of his blood but she is his little girl, he is her daddy, and she needs him as much as she needs me.
But what if I go back and he no longer wants me?
What if he's out there fuckin' some whore just to forget me?
I don't think I could handle that. I'd literally kill the bitch in front of him before castrating him! But how can I blame him when I left him?
I need to sleep. I'll know what to do once I have. My mind will clear and everything will look better in the morning. Isn't that what people say?
I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't fuckin' fast enough!
She left without so much as a goodbye to Jett or Shepard. According to Willow, Nova stopped by to see Lynette but didn't say anything about leaving. I knew she was lying the second it came out of her mouth.
In the end, she told me that Nova had told her that she was leaving but not where she was going. I didn't even know where the fuck to start looking for her!
I didn't even get to say goodbye to Ember. Does Nova think so little of me that she'd honestly keep Ember from me? I know I have no claim to her, the girl ain't really mine. But fuck! I fuckin' love that little girl as though she was mine, dammit!
I can't and won't sit back and wallow, she ain't the first person I've lost in my life, she won't be the last. But losing her and Ember has left a hole inside of me that will never be filled. She's broken me in a way that will never be fixed.
Yeah, I'll move on, live my life the way I used to, but it'll be a half-life.
I only hope she finds some happiness wherever she ends up. I hope she's safe, and I hope she finds the love she deserves. I believe she deserves that more than she believes she does.
I couldn't sleep last night thinking about her, wondering where she'll end up, wondering if Ember is okay, how long it will take her to forget me. That thought alone tore my heart apart.
There's no point dwelling on these thoughts, it won't change a damn thing. Nova is gone, Ember with her. They're not coming back. I have to move on. However hard it may be.
Walking into Briggs, a small family run supermarket, I make my way to the back room, ignoring everyone around me. I'm here to collect, nothing more.
Tim, the store owner’s fuck-faced son is who I bump into on the way to the back room. I hate the cunt, and I'm so not in the mood for his shit today. “Payment isn't due until tomorrow.” Ignoring him, I carry on walking. If I acknowledge him right now, I'll end up killin' the piece of shit!
Bill, the owner, is out back in his small office filled with security cameras.
How do I know he's there?
He's always there.
I don't even knock before entering the room.
Why the fuck should I? Pricks like this know who I am. I'm Tank, Snakes Henchmen! And you do not fuck with The Snakes Henchmen.
Bill notices me right away. How could he not the size of me? “Carl, wait outside.” He tells the old guy he apparently uses as a security guard. Pathetic. The guy is older than fuckin' Jesus.
As soon as “Carl” is out the door and it's closed behind him, Bill turns to me. “What brings you here a day early, Tank?”
“Collection. What else?” He eyes me as I take a cigarette from my inside pocket, bring it to my lips and spark it. I take a deep drag and blow out a cloud of smoke in his direction.
Dramatically, like a damn woman, he wafts his hand in front of his face and coughs. “You can't smoke in here.” Like I give a fuck right now! I ignore him and take another drag. “Since when does Shepard make early collections? I thought we had an understanding?”
This is true, and I shouldn't be here, Shepard didn't ask me to collect early, in fact, he'll be really pissed when he finds out. Early collections cause friction between the club and those we collect from. They trust us to keep our word and here I am breaking it.
But I need to do something to keep my mind occupied or I'll go fuckin' crazy!
“Nothin' personal, Bill. Ain't like I'm here to wreck the place.”
“Why should I pay a day early?”
I crack my knuckles. Idiot jumps in fear, swallowing loudly past the obvious lump in his throat.
You're right to be scared, motherfucker. Don't give me a reason to gut you like a fuckin' fish right here, right now.
“Of course. That's fine.” He mumbles. Damn, right it is!
He hands me a white envelope stuffed with money, money in exchange for our protection. I take it and slip it into the inside pocket of my cut, never taking my eyes off him. I take one last drag of my cigarette, blow out the smoke while dropping the butt to the floor, crushing it with my boot. I lean against his desk, hands pressed against the cold metal. “Don't ever question me again. You pay when you're told to pay. Trust me, you won't fuckin' like what happens should this happen next time!”
Fucker is practically shitting himself.
“Yes. Of course.”
“Don't make things hard for yourself, old man. Because you know I can do it, don't you?” He nods his head erratically, eyes wide. I chuckle under my breath and walk away.
Climbing on my bike, I wonder what to do now. Yeah, I could go to the titty bar, find some fresh pussy, drink myself stupid until I pass the fuck out, and think of nothing and no one but my next drink and fuck.
Trouble with is, somewhere inside of me, I don't wanna give up on Nova or the idea she might have a change of heart and come back to me. I don't want her to come home and find me fuckin' around with other women. Whores as she'd call them.
I also don't want to be the man who loses himself to drink over a woman. Even if this fuckin' hurts more than anything ever has in my life before.
I pull up outside the clubhouse and park my bike in its usual spot next to Jett's. Making my way inside, I notice Coral pacing, biting the pad of her thumb. She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
I've known Coral since we were kids. Beautiful blonde, with huge blue eyes. Sister to Cindy, the woman Hammer would have married had she not been killed. Coral had a hard time when we were kids, bad shit happened to her, but she fought her whole life to prove how strong she is. She is literally amazing, just as Lynette is, as Willow is. Women like them don't come along very often. You catch one, you hold on tight in order to keep her. Something I couldn't do with Nova.
If Coral is out here, then something is wrong. She's never usually too far from Stryker. She notices me, smiles and wipes her eyes with the backs of her hands quickly. “Hey, Tank. I didn't see you there.”
“Sweetheart, what's wrong?” She shakes her head, her mouth opening, and closing repeatedly, tears falling thick and fast. She's struggling with something. This happens sometimes with Coral. Vile memories of the past fill her head and she hides from Stryker so she doesn't upset him. Stryker's a good man, but he can't stand to see Coral sad.
“Come here,” I wrap my arms around her and let her sob against my chest. “Shh... It's okay, darlin'.” I soothe while stroking her hair and kissing her head.
“I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to bawl all over you.”
“You never have to be sorry for anything.” She really doesn't. Coral is as much a part of this MC as anyone. Shepard's surrogate daughter. He's always thought of her as such since the day she sat astride his bike at the age of twelve and refused to get down. She flatly refused to be intimated by the big bad biker who lived across the street. She even sassed him so much it made him laugh.
Shepard was the one she ran to when she was attacked a few months later. He was the one who sorted everything out just like he would have for his own daughters.
“Wanna tell me what's wrong?”
She pulls away from me and wipes her eyes on the tissue she just took from her pocket. “I had a miscarriage last night.”
“Oh, Coral.” I didn't even know they were trying for a kid. They've been together six years, married almost as long. I thought they'd've had kids by now if they were to have any. But then, what the hell would I know? How the fuck would I know how or why people choose to have kids and when?
But I have to wonder what the hell she's doing here when she should be at home resting after something like that.
She drops her head back against the brick wall behind her and sighs loudly. “Why am I such a failure, Tank?”
“You are not a failure, Coral. What happened was not your fault.”
“That's what they all say. Doesn't stop a woman from blaming herself, Tank. It won't stop me from blaming myself either, it was my body that rejected my baby after all. What if that bastard really did scar me so much that I can't carry another baby, Tank?”
“You can't think like that, Coral. Jesus. Stryker would be pissed if he knew you felt this way.”
Her eyes meet mine. “I know. I just feel like I failed him.”
“You didn't fail him, sweetheart. He knows that. God, that man loves you so much. And I know you love him. I know you're grieving but so is he. You need each other right now. It's so easy for something like this to tear couples apart. Don't let it tear you and Stryker apart.”
“You're a good friend, Tank,” She wraps her arms around my waist again. “And one amazing brother.”
I chuckle. “Go find your man and let him hold you, and you hold him just as tight.”
“Thank you,” She kisses my cheek and rushes off inside.
I lean back against the wall and scrub my hands over my tired face. I grab a smoke from my pocket and spark it up. God, this is gonna be a really long day!
I woke super early after just two hours sleep. The bed I slept in was comfortable enough, clean sheets, soft pillows, firm mattress. Ember even slept well beside me. Well, after I promised we'd see daddy tomorrow.
Yeah, I kinda gave up correcting her on that front. I'm done running, I'm done being angry, and I'm done fighting what I feel for Tank. I'm in love with the man. I've punished myself enough f
or what happened in the past. Why the hell should I keep hiding from the happiness that should be mine? I deserve to be happy, Ember deserves to be happy. Tank loves us, he really loves us.
What happened the other day was my fault and I won't pretend otherwise. I should have had the guts to tell my man who I really was, but I didn't. If I had, his reaction to what happened would have been completely different. I'm ready to admit that I was wrong and that I'm sorry. I just hope he still wants me after this.
Ember and I were ready to leave by 6 AM, but I didn't set out until 9 AM. Elizabeth had made us breakfast and I couldn't refuse that sweet old woman.
It seemed to take forever to get home. I'm glad I forgot to hand my apartment keys to Lynette. I'd planned to post them to the landlord as soon as I could after I'd realized I'd still got them, and I only decided to do that because I didn't have time to hand them to Jett. I was already on my way out of town.
Everything seemed the same when I walked into my place. But, of course, it would, I'd been gone only a day. Ember was asleep so I lay her down while I grabbed our things from the car. I'd unpacked and put everything away within half an hour. Then I flopped down on my bed and slept until Ember woke me up two hours later.
I fed my daughter and bathed us both. I dressed her in a pretty pink dress with the little matching panties that cover her diaper, a white cardigan, little white socks, and pink baby dolly shoes, and pigtails in her hair.
I pulled on jeans and a black shirt, my Property Of Tank leather jacket that I left here when I thought I'd never see him again. Thank God I came to my senses. I left my dark curly hair hanging down my back. I've just finished putting lip gloss on and I smile at my baby girl as she sits on my bed happily clapping her little hands.
I turn and walks toward her. “Ember? Do you want to go see Daddy?”
“Da Da!” Her hands clap harder. The excitement she's feeling has me laughing. It makes a woman feel good to see her child so happy.
“Shall we bring Daddy home, Ember?” She nods her little head back and forth. I lift her into my arms and kiss her head, grab my keys and head out. It's time to bring my man home and tell him the truth about who I really am.
The One I Need (Snakes Henchmen MC Book 1) Page 16
