Not Yet

by Laura Ward

  “You know, Garrett reminds me of a neighbor of mine growing up.” Landon was looking out his window as he quietly spoke. I turned down the radio as he continued. “I haven’t thought about him in years. He didn’t have Downs, I know that, but I think we used to call him mentally challenged?”

  “Yeah, that’s an older term. Now we would say he has intellectual disabilities. Tell me about him…” I loved it when Landon opened up to me. He was often quiet about his past, so I was immediately curious.

  “His name’s Kevin. He was a really big guy. Strong and loud, too. He was probably fifteen or sixteen years old when I was about eight.” Landon continued to look out the window, avoiding eye contact.

  “I bet he was intimidating to be around at that young of an age.”

  Landon whipped his head around at my comment, his rigid shoulders sagging. “Yeah. He was. Thanks for saying that. I remember being scared of him and all he wanted to do was play with me and my buddies. We thought he might hurt us, so we always ran from him. I even told my parents about it, and my dad called the neighbor and asked him to keep Kevin away.” Landon’s eyes dropped from mine again as he looked down, disturbed. “I feel horrible about that.”

  “Land, you were a kid. How would you know any better? That was pretty crappy of your dad, but if he never knew anyone with disabilities, I can understand that he didn’t know how to act either. Do you know how many of my friends were scared of Evie?”

  “That doesn’t make it right, Em.”

  I grabbed his hand with my free one and clasped it tightly. “No, it doesn’t. But just this conversation—right here—this is a great start. You realizing, maybe Kevin wasn’t going to hurt you, will make you have a different response one day when your kids meet someone unique. It’s a start and that’s a whole lot better than doing nothing.”

  Landon watched me as I pulled into my apartment parking lot. I turned off the engine and faced him. His look was raw with emotion as I pulled his face close to mine and pressed my lips to his. We moved away, breathless, and smiled at one another. Opening our car doors, we ran into the building.

  As soon as we came through the door of my second floor apartment, Landon had me pressed against the living room wall. “Em. I’ve never wanted a girl so bad before. You’re all I think about...” He whispered in my ear as he ran his hands down the length of my body. I swallowed, noisily, and placed my hands on his hard chest.

  I looked into his eyes and the passion in them—pure need, pure desire—took my breath away. He leaned down and pressed his soft lips against mine. I opened my mouth and our tongues met. Our kiss quickly became frenzied as Landon scooped me up and carried me to the couch.

  I pulled his T-shirt off and ran my hands over his washboard stomach muscles. His eyes flared as I raked my nails over his chest. Leaning over, I kissed each of his nipples and his body tensed, his hands pulled at the couch, grasping for control.

  Sitting back, I pulled my dress down and unclasped my strapless bra. Landon groaned as he reached to cup each full breast. I couldn’t believe I had actually initiated this next step. When I was with Jeremy, I let him take the lead physically. Not that he held a candle to what Landon could do to me with just a kiss, but I had never been interested in moving faster with him. We slowly progressed in our sexual relationship. Now I knew it was because the spark was never really there. That feeling that if I didn’t keep going—well, I might just implode.

  With Landon, I was an active participant. I was encouraging this along. I wanted him to feel as wrecked as I did. Hearing him growl sent me propelling to the next level.

  “You are so fucking sexy, Emma.” His voice sounded almost feral to my naïve ears. His words alone could destroy me like nothing I had felt before. I laid my head back against the sofa as he rubbed my nipples between his fingers and then took them in his mouth and sucked.

  “Landon!” I gasped as he sucked and rubbed. He laid me back on the sofa and settled between my legs, as I pulsed and yearned for his next touch.

  He stroked my face, reverently. “You are so gorgeous. So, so, stunningly gorgeous.” He whispered his words in my ear as his hand drifted down and under my dress. He searched my eyes, silently asking permission. I knew what he wanted, and he looked like he was struggling not to rip my dress off. I bit my lip, holding my breath, and nodded.

  He touched me carefully and with restraint. I exhaled slowly and my body relaxed under his touch. Any inhibitions I had were quickly gone. He was navigating me with ease and I was all his. His skilled fingers caressed me gently as he explored my warmth. He studied my face the entire time, noticing what brought me the most pleasure. The intensity inside me built as I gripped the edge of the sofa, and thrust my hips into his hand.

  “Oh God, yes…. Landon yes… oh God!” I came loudly, never breaking eye contact with him. His eyes burned as he watched me come undone. His lips parted and his breath increased until he was panting along with me. Every one of my senses was heightened in that moment. All I smelled was Landon’s woodsy scent. All I saw was the desire in his eyes. Running my tongue over my lips, I tasted his mouth on me. It was incredibly intimate. I had never felt so connected to a man before.

  “That was so damn beautiful to watch.” He kissed me again and laid me back on the couch as I caught my breath and tried to regain a sense of equilibrium. What the hell had just happened to me? Were orgasms supposed to be like that? If so, I had been missing out. What I previously thought was an orgasm was basically a sexual tickle compared to the avalanche of power that his FINGERS brought me. This was nothing to be taken lightly. It was something that must be repeated. Repeatedly.

  I smiled devilishly as I crawled over and unbuttoned his jeans. He watched as I freed him and began stroking his velvety skin with increasing pressure. I tore my gaze from his eyes and took in how beautiful and huge he was. Fuck me. Literally.

  “Shit, Emma. Yeah…. Just like that. Son of a….” Landon spoke quietly, his breath rapid. Hands fisted at his sides, his attempt at maintaining control was unmistakable. I tightened my grip and his eyes flared. I watched the pleasure on his face as I increased the speed with which I touched him and his mouth hung open.

  “Move, Em.” Landon tried to remove my hand from him, but I shook my head and watched him. It was so powerful, seeing him falling apart from my touch. A gasp escaped me as he grunted and then exploded in my hands. My body pulsed all over again. I was ready for him to touch me again. Jesus, I was ready for him to be inside me. But that wasn’t happening. That would be way too soon. Lord have mercy, I had never felt, seen, or experienced anything like this guy before.

  After gently wiping my hand with a tissue, he pulled me back onto his lap and kissed me feverishly, his one hand fisted in my hair and his other holding me tight. I sucked on his tongue, and he groaned, making me want him more than ever. From my perch on his lap, I could feel he wanted more as well. It took all of my self-control to not turn and straddle him, riding against him to help erase the ever present throbbing. Landon watched my reaction to his body, while rubbing his thumb back and forth over my lower lip.

  Looking up at the clock, I pulled back with a sigh. “We gotta go.”

  His heavy lidded eyes were so lustful I squeezed my legs together. “Landon. Stop looking at me like that. I’m getting all worked up again.”

  I stood and walked to the door, arranging my dress and smoothing my hair. He walked over to me and ran his hand down the bodice of my dress, tracing the edges of my breasts before cupping them in his hands. “Good. I want you to want me all the damn time. I’ve never been so on fire before, Emma. I want to taste you, feel you, and hold you. Jesus. It’s all I can think about.” Landon pulled me to him and moved his thigh in between my legs. Oh God. He was teasing me and it felt so good. I closed my eyes for a minute and attempted to regain my composure.

  “This is enough for tonight, Land. We can’t move any faster than we already have.” No matter what, Landon would leave at the end of the summer and
head back to Bloomington for college. I would be here alone, hopefully teaching, and helping my family put food on the table. The feelings, both physical and emotional, that Landon was stirring up in me were temporary. I knew that was my reality. For that reason alone, this had to move more slowly or I would fall too fast, too deep.

  Landon nodded, very begrudgingly, and we left to go pick up the lovebirds from their dance.

  Apply the damn brakes, short stuff.

  ***

  “NO, I GOT it…. I said I got it, Mom. Yup, I’ll keep on my workout schedule. I can take care of myself just fine.” Landon’s back was pressed against the side wall of our guard house. Crap. I’d interrupted a private conversation.

  His eyes were closed as he spoke, but his tension showed in his hands. One grasped his phone tightly and one was balled in a fist at his side. He was off duty and had changed into shorts and a T-shirt. Both of our shifts were finished for the day, and I was hoping to catch him and say goodbye. Now I wondered if I should sneak away before he saw me.

  “Ok. Have fun…. Bye.” Landon opened his eyes as he ended the call and waved me over to him.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop on you. I just wanted to say goodnight.”

  Looking around to make sure we were hidden from public view, he pulled me against him and I wrapped my arms around his waist. His heart beat furiously next to my ear. “You’re never an interruption, short stuff. That was just my mom calling to say goodbye… and to make sure I understood that I was not invited to join them on vacation.” Landon picked up both of our bags, and we walked toward the employee parking lot as the sun set over the golf course. As soon as we were out of public eyesight, he grasped my hand tightly in his.

  “Excuse me? Why are you not invited?” I looked up and saw that his jaw was clenched, but his face was otherwise impassive.

  “I told you about my parents before. They aren’t really into the whole ‘family’ thing. They make sure the fridge is stocked with food, and that I have a clean bed and clothes, but they have no interest in spending time with me.”

  We reached Landon’s truck and my car. We each threw our bags inside and then Landon rested against his passenger door, moving me in between his outstretched legs.

  “So, they are leaving you at home and going on vacation? Seriously?”

  Landon chuckled lightly. “Happens all the time, short stuff. I learned to cook basic meals for myself by the time I was eight. They are out almost every night and even when they are home, we don’t eat together. I’d spend the night with my buddy Dean growing up, and I’d nearly fall over on Saturday morning when we’d go downstairs to see his parents making a big pancake breakfast for their kids. As soon as I moved out of a crib, my parents told me to go downstairs in the morning, watch TV, and stay quiet. It’s just how it is.”

  “Wow.” I reached up and moved his baseball cap higher onto his head so I could fully look into his eyes. “That must be tough. My mom has always had to do everything on her own, but she’s always, always been there for us. How long are they gone?”

  “Two weeks. They’re on a Caribbean cruise. It’ll be great. Two weeks of my favorite TV dinners and really bad sci-fi movies. Every guy’s dream.” Landon kissed me lightly on the lips as he rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

  I couldn’t believe he would be on his own for two weeks. He had to feel so unwanted and lonely. How could his parents treat him this way? Mom, Evie, and I had always called ourselves a tribe. No matter how big or how small a family might’ve been, they were your tribe. You’d stick together—no matter what. You’d sacrifice—whatever you had to. Had Landon ever experienced anything like that?

  I couldn’t hang out with him at his home since I had to watch Evie, but I could offer him some home cooking and company. “No way. A college athlete cannot exist off of microwavable meals for two weeks. You’re coming home with me. Every night you feel like it, you’re welcome. You know I make a badass spaghetti with meat sauce, but you haven’t lived until you’ve tried my enchiladas!”

  Landon laughed loudly. “Thank you, but you don’t need to take care of me. I’ve been on my own for a long time now. Really. I’m fine.”

  “Please, I’m not doing it because I think you can’t take care of yourself. I know Evie would love to see you again. And it’s always just me and her every night. It would be great to have you there. You live in Zionsville, so it’s only a twenty minute drive home.” I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed his earlobe. His arms tightened around me as I whispered into his ear, “I cook and you do the dishes, big guy. And then, afterwards is dessert. And by dessert, I mean tasting you on my couch. C’mon, how’re you gonna say no to that offer?”

  Landon pulled me away from him with a look of wry amusement. “You are an evil little woman. First off, you somehow discovered my soft spot for Mexican food. Secondly, you are taking advantage of my superior dish cleaning techniques. And finally, I think this is all just so you can use me for my body.”

  I nodded my head and winked. “You’re a smarty, that’s for sure. You’ve got me all figured out. C’mon.” Landon followed me home for dinner, and I made sure he did the same each night after. Not only did I feel like I was helping him in a small way, but I genuinely enjoyed his company. Especially on the couch. For hours. I’d cook nothing but Mexican food for the rest of my damn life if I continued to get rewarded like that. Dios Mio.

  I had never experienced a summer romance, or really any kind of romance at all, so I had no idea how wonderful it could be. Landon was total eye candy and I got to stare at him in nothing but swim trunks all day, every day.

  The bright beating sunshine each afternoon deepened his brown tan. I bit my bottom lip in anticipation whenever his swimsuit would hang off his hip, revealing the pale soft skin, shielded from the sunlight. Knowing that fair surface, hidden from the public’s eyes, would be touched by my hands that night….

  Too damn good.

  Thank God for my big, round, Jackie O style sunglasses, or the constant ogling would have creeped him out for sure. I had lost all self-discipline around this man.

  We kept it very professional at work, saving all of our sexual energy for nights. We hadn’t actually had sex. Landon wanted to. I knew that just by watching his expression when we fooled around, but I wasn’t ready to rush into anything more. I had only been with Jeremy, and I had only gone to that place after we said we were in love with each other. Or, at least, I thought we were in love. But, real, deep, true love taught you about life. It left you changed, marked. All Jeremy taught me was that sex lasts for about thirty seconds, and that he was ready to leave at the first sign of a problem and run right into the arms of slutty sorority girls.

  Landon and I hadn’t said anything about love. I wasn’t sure what I felt for him, but I knew I had begun to care for him deeply. I discovered that he was strong, sensitive, kind, and funny. He was—to me—the whole package. So much the whole package that it scared me.

  He treated me with respect and consummate attention. He worshiped my body when we were alone. He knew just how to touch me to weaken my knees and have me calling his name out loudly. The passion I felt with him was one that I thought only existed in my books. I physically hurt whenever he was near me but not touching me in some way. And I wondered how a nineteen-year-old college sophomore could do that to me…

  Along with connecting physically, I opened up emotionally to Landon more and more each day. We became true friends. Landon approached me one evening, as I sat by the pool, watching one of the last families left playing in the water.

  The mom was holding her toddler, splashing and laughing, as the dad tossed the other two kids in the air, catching them and tickling their bellies. The kids laughed so hard, I thought they might choke. I couldn’t help but giggle quietly, just watching the love and humor between the group. Landon sat next to me and bumped his shoulder against mine. “Whatcha thinkin’, short stuff?”

  I smiled at my nickname, now findi
ng it adorable instead of annoying, and pointed to the group. “They are so… happy. The dad—I can’t stop watching him. He’s so loving, so into them. I… I’ve never known anything like that.”

  Landon frowned and whispered to me, “Cause your dad left? You never met him later on?”

  I shook my head slowly. “No. I’ve never met him once. How could he love his family and then leave and never come back? Ever. Not just leave us, but he never called, never wrote. It’s a complete black hole. Landon, I’m twenty-one years old, and I have absolutely no idea who my father is. It’s a total mind-fuck.”

  I looked back down at the water, speaking softly. “That sure doesn’t seem like love.”

  “No. No, it doesn’t. But I’ll tell you. My dad has never abandoned his armchair, let alone his family, and I’ve never known love like that, either. He never played with me, never teased me, never wrestled or even hugged me. I call him sir, I obey him, and I play football to please him. Our relationship is as empty as if he wasn’t really my father. He’s really more of a drill instructor.”

  Landon looked deeply hurt as he spoke. I linked his fingers with mine and squeezed. His eyebrows raised and he grinned. I had a “no affection in public” rule. But some rules needed to be broken.

  “Well, look at us. We are each a little bit broken by our dads. Have you thought about what kind of father you want to be some day?” I smiled at the kids in the pool as I waited for Landon’s response. He rarely spoke about his family, but our relationship grew deeper each day.

  And now he was trusting me with his heart.

  “Hell, yes. All the time. I want to be the kind of father that adores his children. I want them to know they were loved before I even held them. I want to show my father what being a real dad looks like. I want him to see me with my kids and finally get it. Really know how badly he screwed up… and what he missed out on.” Landon’s voice cracked as he finished speaking. This was something he had given much thought to.