by Laura Ward
“Eves, do you have a report for me tonight?” I turned sideways and caught her delighted grin as she turned to face me.
“Tanya’s a shithead. Nothin’ but bull crap.” Evie’s scowl deepened as she told me about the latest disagreement with her childhood frenemy, Tanya. Interactions between these two were common in our night time reports. I listened and tried to offer any advice, but mostly I just let her get it out.
“Where’s Landon?” Evie had asked me that several times over the past months, and I kept trying to evade her inquires. I guessed my jig was up. I really didn’t want Landon’s lies affecting my Evie. I had never brought guys around her before. But I had this time, and she really liked him, had gotten attached, and now she would be let down.
“Well, we aren’t dating anymore. He lied to me, Evie, and it hurt my feelings. He’s actually a student in my class. He’s not in college.” I watched the confusion on her face as she processed that someone she trusted had been untruthful.
“But you luv him.” Evie’s wide eyes searched mine as she spoke. Evie’s advice to me was always beautifully simple. And true.
How could I explain this to her? That you could love someone, and then be betrayed but still love them, even though nothing could come of it. That would be way too overwhelming for her. It was craptastically overwhelming to me. “I thought I did.”
“You know your heart. Talk to him,” Evie stated firmly as she squeezed my hand.
“I can’t. I’m his teacher. It isn’t right.” I continued my argument, but I wanted to cry at the pure, loving essence of her message. When you love someone you share it with them. Period. End of story.
“You can’t ignore him. That’s mean.” Once again, my sister had cut through the layers of bullshit and found the simple solution. I was being cruel and I did care about him. He may have been wrong, but the way I treated him was no better.
I smiled at her and kissed her forehead before climbing out of bed. “I know it seems that way, but sometimes life just isn’t fair.”
“Work it out, Emma. I’m the big sister. I know lots of things.” Many times during adolescent tiffs with friends, my mom would ask me, ‘What would Evie say?’ which always reminded me to get to the heart of the matter—what really is important. My big sister knew a lot.
“You do know a lot of things. Merry Christmas, sis.” I walked out of Evie’s room, shutting the door behind me and joined my mom on the sofa. I guess this was a night of open, honest communication. She had poured us glasses of wine and we sat by the Christmas tree and talked about the future.
“Emma, I’m going to apply for some jobs with normal hours as soon as Evie is settled. With this acceptance into the agency comes government funding to pay for Evie’s expenses. We are going to be in good shape here. I want you to send in your applications to graduate school in California.”
I shook my head and drank more wine. “Mom, I don’t think that’s a good idea. What if you need me? What if the agency doesn’t work out for Evie? I think we should wait for a while to see how things go before we make any big decisions.”
“Emma, your sister wants this. She has worked her whole life for a chance at independence. I know it will be hard for you and me, but she will be taken care of there. It might not all be just how we would do it, but she will be watched over. As her health issues increase, the supports she receives will increase. I won’t have to worry about money anymore or someone to watch over Evie. We can see her when it works for everyone’s schedules. There is no reason for you to put your dreams on hold any longer.”
I nodded, still feeling unsure.
“Unless… there is a reason to stay? Which maybe there is…? What’s going on with Landon?” I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. She had asked about Landon many times, just like Evie. I’d avoided answering and changed the topic for as long as I could.
“Yeah… I haven’t told you about that. Landon lied to me. He’s not in college at all. In fact, he’s a senior in my econ class.”
My mom’s eyes widened, and she took a long gulp of wine. “Okay... Why would he lie?”
Mom stayed calm and patient as I filled her in on Landon’s reasons for lying and our agreement that nothing would happen this year.
“But you still want to be with him, right? I mean when the year is over? Emma, a few months are nothing in the scheme of life.” My mom’s lack of judgment of my situation was heartwarming. She absolutely, always, had her kid’s best interests at heart.
“I like him, Mom, but he’s eighteen. He has his whole life ahead of him. He doesn’t know enough to want me.” I sat back on the couch and spread a blanket around my knees. My mom wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her.
“Sweetie, you’re only twenty-one. You have your whole life in front of you, too. It’s not that different from Landon. Listen, he made a mistake by lying. But he lied because he was so taken by you. Look at you! You can’t fault the boy. Emma, he is three years younger than you. In life, that is nothing. Only in high school is that a big deal. Give yourselves a chance. If he’s willing to wait this year out for you, don’t shut the door.”
I rested my head on her shoulder and was again comforted by her love. “You really think so?” I wished I would have told both Evie and my mom this sooner. Why had I kept my hurt from them for so long? Why was I always so closed off? I felt like I was back to being the kid who tried not to smile in public. Just like then, I still hid my pain and my feelings from even those that were closest to me. It was time to stop hiding.
“This time next year, he will be in college, you will be in California in grad school, and you both could have a successful long-term relationship. Maybe it won’t work. Maybe it will. What’s the harm in trying?”
I listened and processed, not sure what the right move was for myself. I knew it couldn’t hurt to apply to grad schools, and we would see what happened from there. All I could think was that five months was a long time to wait. I again wished I could say I was a patient person.
Learning when to hold on and when to let go in life was a challenge. With Evie, I knew it was time to let go and let her have her freedom and long awaited independence. It would challenge my heart and soul, but it would allow her a chance to truly live.
Whether it was right to let go or fight for Landon? That was a lesson I hadn’t yet learned.
***
FORD KNEW I was tight on funds and that I ran on the gym treadmill almost every morning, so he convinced me to be his assistant coach for Indoor Track and Field. We basically supervised the students running the halls inside of Zionsville Academy every day after school. January and February were brutal in Indiana. There was snow and ice almost every day, so it wasn’t safe for the kids to run outside and the cold air was the perfect recipe for pneumonia. Many hardcore athletes at the school ran Indoor Track to stay in shape for spring sports, so I wasn’t shocked to see Dean and Landon at our first practice.
Ford and I had changed out of our teaching clothes, and each wore track pants and hoodies while we coached. Landon stretched and told Dean about skiing and partying in Colorado over break. I didn’t realize I was staring until I looked up and saw his mirthful expression.
Whipping my head away, flustered, I attempted to keep my focus on taking attendance and passing out meet schedules.
“So, did you hook up with some hot chicks over break?” Dean loudly asked Landon as they finished stretching.
“Nope, no one in Colorado interested me,” Landon answered Dean, but he stared at me as soon as Dean looked down.
“What’s wrong with you? You haven’t hooked up with anyone this year. You get an STD or something?” Dean poked Landon and Landon punched his arm back.
“I’m over high school chicks. Too much drama. I’m waiting for college next year. And I’m clean, you douche.” Landon quickly looked to me as he spoke to Dean and then gave him the classic one finger salute. Dean laughed loudly at the gesture, but he shook his head and walked away.
> I met with Billy, our team manager, to discuss uniforms for the meets. Billy had autism, though he was verbal and did very well academically. Billy’s issues were purely social. He had a hard time talking to other students and would often say things that were brusque or inappropriate. Billy was a sophomore and was having a hard time in school. Kids were picking on him, giving him wedgies, dumping his books, and pushing him around. I couldn’t wait to catch the asshole that would pick on him in front of me. Billy looked like he weighed sixty pounds and was no more than five feet tall. He wore thick glasses and had wild, unkempt brown hair. His jeans were always too short and tight and his shoes had Velcro closures. He was a threat to no one, and I was pissed that people were torturing him for their own personal entertainment.
Landon came up as I sat with Billy and spoke to him. “Hi, Billy. Glad you’re on the team.”
Billy looked up toward the ceiling and nodded, busy working on his spreadsheet, and avoiding any direct eye contact. He may not have had his social radar up to catch that comment, but I sure had. I loved that Landon hadn’t referenced him as just the manager, but he included him as part of the whole team. Landon got it—that for someone like Billy, this was as close to being a part of a team as he would ever get.
While other kids would look at him differently, because his contribution was not athletic and he wasn’t able to bond in an easy social manner, Landon wanted Billy to belong. He expected that Billy would become part of the team… and so Billy would.
I motioned Landon to the side and spoke softly, “Is that who you told me about at the pool? The student who’s a loner?”
Billy sat meticulously logging in uniform numbers, while my protective inner big sister emerged and prepared for battle.
Landon nodded. “He’s had it bad. It started his freshman year. Kids tripped him all the time, stole his lunch money, and someone even threw his backpack in the toilet.”
Landon paused and looked at the floor. “I sat right behind him in the cafeteria one day when a bunch of wrestlers crawled under the table and tied his shoes together without him knowing it. He got up to leave and fell right on his face.”
“He’s worn Velcro shoes every day since then.” Landon grimaced as he finished, and I narrowed my eyes in fury.
“I watched it all go down and did nothing. Now, I feel like a complete shithead for not stopping it.” Landon’s remorse was apparent as he watched Billy in the corner, innocent of any wrongdoing and naïve to the continued cruelty of his classmates.
“It’s in the past. Next time, maybe you will step up. Every person matters—you know that now, and maybe you didn’t before.”
Landon stared intensely at me, almost as if he was willing me to see inside him, until I broke away to start practice, shaking from our encounter.
Ford and I split up hallways to monitor the kids as they ran. Groups came by every few minutes. Landon ran with the fastest group and stopped a few feet away to tie his shoe. He ran in a white and blue Indianapolis Colts T-shirt and mesh shorts and was drenched in sweat. He started to run again, but then he stopped next to me.
“Missed you. Did you like our tree?” he whispered in my ear and then pulled back to watch my expression.
I blushed and nodded. “Thank you. That was very sweet. Hey, I’ve been wanting to tell you. I have news. Evie got a job and was placed into a group home. She is so excited to finally live on her own.”
“I’m so happy for her. How are you-?” He was cut off by a yell from Ford.
“Washington. You better leave my girl alone. Now run, boy.” Ford made his way to me, stalking down the hall like God’s gift to women, to Zionsville Academy, and really to the universe for that matter.
Landon appeared outraged, but he still took off without a retort.
“Emma, when are we going out? You know I teach chemistry, so I know all about catalytic interactions. And you and I…” Ford actually air kissed at me, looking oddly reminiscent of a low budget porn star, “we have chemistry.”
I took a huge breath and held it, smiling slightly as I pinched my arm to keep myself from rolling my eyes, or telling him off, or, most satisfyingly—kneeing him right in the nuts.
“I’m thrilled you agreed to coach with me. Now I can see you every afternoon and at meets. But I want more.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and I pulled away.
“I, uh, I’m seeing someone, Ford. Back in Virginia.” I lied, knowing I couldn’t keep putting him off.
“Distance is tough, sweetie. But that’s ok…I can help when you’re feeling lonely.” I pressed back against the locker and my internal panic alarms began to sound.
Just then, Dean and Landon came running by. “Get a room!” Dean called as Landon looked at me with hurt in his eyes and at Ford with piercing daggers.
I pushed Ford back roughly and walked down the hallway. Dealing with Ford and Landon in a confined space was going to be just freaking super.
Our first track meet of the season was at a local armory on a Friday night. Ford and I rode the school bus with our team. The kids were pumped and so were we, which surprised me. Other than my infatuation with swimming, I had never viewed myself as much of an athlete, but coaching this team had really opened my eyes to the elements of sports that were so enthralling.
The students had trained hard, and I was excited to see them run on a real track, as opposed to looping around floor after floor of our cinder blocked hallways. Many members of the team were either sprinting or running in relays, staying in great shape for whatever their next sport was. Our spring track athletes were thrilled to pole vault and jump hurdles again, both impossible to practice in our school hallways. But it was crucial for them to have this opportunity so they could keep conditioned for the intense upcoming outdoor season. Even the discus throwers had an opportunity to compete in this large area.
The arena was packed with students from opposing schools. I sat with our team on bleachers, keeping the schedule and letting each runner know when they needed to enter their designated area. Landon and Dean ran the first two events, the two hundred and four hundred meter dash. They dominated their heats and easily moved onto the finals.
Both boys were anxiously awaiting news on football scholarships from colleges. Excitement from the seniors would only grow as spring approached. I clearly remembered the elation when I got into UVA—my dream school. I walked around grinning from ear to ear for days. I think it was the first smile some of my classmates had ever seen from me. Even now, several years older, I would start checking the mail daily in a few weeks, waiting to see if I’d been accepted to graduate school.
I hopped off the bleachers to check on the students competing in the hurdles when I saw Ford talking to Billy.
“Seriously, Billy. If you want to manage this team, you have to work on speaking. I don’t know what you mean when you point at charts. Christ!” Ford rubbed his face and stomped away.
“Is the noise in this arena bothering you?” Kneeling next to Billy, I spoke quietly. The bull horns and whistles were loud even for my ears, and I was sure that was an issue for Billy. Billy looked down and nodded.
“If you want to come to the next meet, maybe you can wear headphones? That would help. Or you can manage the team without attending all the meets. I’ll record stats for you, if that’s what you prefer.”
Billy smiled, still staring at the floor, as I left him. I spotted Ford talking animatedly with a group of junior girls, and I made a bee-line toward him, pulling him aside like he was a child.
“Ford—what’s up with talking to Billy like that? He has some issues, you know that, but he’s a good guy and he’s a part of this team!”
Ford laughed and looked away. “He’s a retard, Emma. Get over it. He doesn’t even remember what I said.”
I slapped my hand across my mouth and took a step back. Angry tears filled my eyes, and I took a minute to gather my words before I ripped this asshole apart. From the corner of my blurred eyes, I saw Landon watching the whole
interaction, moving closer to us in case he needed to intervene.
“Listen to me, Ford. If you want my help this season, if you don’t want me to report you for inappropriate flirting or derogatory comments, if you want any chance at continuing this macho-bullshit life you live, you will never say that word again. You will respect Billy and never talk like that to him or about him again, or I will turn your ignorant ass in.” I stared at him with disgust, as he rolled his eyes and walked away.
Landon walked over and stood behind me as we watched the relays. “What did Ford do now?”
“He’s such a jerk. He was rude to Billy and called him a retard. I handled it.” Landon looked over his shoulder to see Ford sitting alone on the bleachers and began to laugh dryly.
“You scared him. Check it out. Emma, the enforcer… I love it.” He bumped his shoulder into mine and I laughed.
“You run again soon. Are you hydrated and have you eaten something?” I checked in with all the runners frequently, making sure they were fueling their bodies with healthy food and plenty of water.
“Yeah, I ate a bagel… I’m craving Mexican, though.” Landon whispered the last sentence and looked at me with heated eyes. My breath increased and I broke free from his gaze.
My heart was beating so loudly, the sound filled my ears. My face flushed hotly as I whispered to him, “What are you doing? You promised.” I looked around to make sure no one was listening.
Landon watched the sprinters in front of us streak down their lanes. “I did, I know, but sometimes the craving is so strong, I don’t know how to keep it in check. It’s becoming dangerous to my health.”
I was livid. He told me he would respect my boundary lines, and while he wasn’t touching me, his words seduced me. “I’m pretty sure the cafeteria’s serving mystery burritos tomorrow for lunch. That should eliminate any cravings you have left.” I muttered sarcastically and patted his shoulder, demonstrating as much platonic sympathy as I could muster at that moment.
