by Laura Ward
Landon must have decided to ease up on me as he walked away backwards, laughing and yelling out, “Not even close, Ms. Harris. That won’t even begin to help me.”
I shook my head in exasperation. Turning back, Ford was watching me and Landon with narrowed eyes. Great. I had just drawn battle lines and now he was suspicious about me. I had to be extra careful around a loser like Ford. A horn blew and Landon ran off to his final race as I joined Ford on the bleachers. He was the coach of this team and I was his assistant. We were going to have to make this work for the next few months.
But if Ford was going to continue acting like an asshole to students like Billy, I was going to call him on it whether or not it pissed him off. I could handle a whole lot from the men in my life, but I drew the line at insulting the people who really mattered.
Winter in the Midwest dragged on interminably. Each day seemed grayer than the one before. It seemed as though I never saw sunlight, entering the school building before the sun rose and leaving well into the evening after practice. There was always either snow, freezing rain, or ice coating every surface outside. The air temperature was so frigid it froze even the inside of my nose whenever I stepped outside. Most days I taught classes wearing an extra heavy Irish cable knit sweater. I couldn’t lose the chill, and the sun depravation made me feel weary and blue.
The only thing I could think of to help fight off the seasonal depression was to kick my own ass in the gym. I worked out as hard as I could every morning, often running into Landon and his friends by the gym in the mornings after my workouts. If I wasn’t mistaken, they seemed to time it quite perfectly.
“Hey, Ms. Harris…. What is the opportunity cost of you working out so hard every morning?”
I looked up, hearing Dean’s question, to see him, Jon, Ricky, and, of course, Landon in the doorway of the girls’ gym. I had taught a lesson on opportunity cost the day before in class. I gave my students an example of going to a Colts game. The opportunity cost was what one gave up in order to attend the game. For me, that would mean giving up a heck of a lot of money to buy the tickets, and missing out on a rerun of my favorite high school classic movie, Mean Girls.
The class got the point, and I was sure Dean was really enjoying teasing me about my recent lesson. Especially while I wore spandex and sweated profusely. Each of the guys struck me as happy and relaxed, except for Landon. His eyes were smoldering as he watched me run.
I laughed, slowing my pace, and answered in a pant. “Nice, Dean. Glad to see you’re applying our economic concepts to life situations. Let’s see, the opportunity cost of my workouts are less sleep and less time to relax. Never worry, though, working out will not keep me from assigning you extra homework. There is way too great an incentive for me to see you suffer. Oh and FYI—there’s never a scarcity of detention slips to give you, either.”
“Ooooh burn, man!” Ricky exclaimed as the guys laughed freely at my use of the economic concepts they recently learned. Ricky slapped Dean on the back loudly, and the guys left to start their morning workout in the free weight room. “See you later, Ms. Harris!”
I smiled as I turned off the treadmill and grabbed my water bottle. It was nice to have a friendly interaction with Landon again. The past few months had been difficult on both of us.
Rounding the corner, I came to an abrupt stop. Landon was leaning against the wall, his eyes squeezed shut.
“Hey, are you okay?” I whispered, hoping to not attract any attention from the guys across the hall.
Landon opened his eyes and looked at me with such quiet desperation I almost turned away. It was too much. I wasn’t sure I could see him like this and then continue on with my school day.
“You looked so… I went right back to this summer. Watching you run on the treadmill. Every day, Em. Every day we were together. I got to hold you, kiss you, and love you. How are you doing this? How are you okay with this? With not being able to touch each other? ‘Cause I’m not okay.”
He leaned over to my ear and paused. “I want you so fucking much.” This time I clenched my eyes at his words spoken hotly in my ear.
When I opened them, he was staring at me, searching for some clue as to how I was feeling. I had to give him something. I had to be honest and let him know that, while I had to follow the parameters we had set, I did miss him. I was suffering. I did care.
“What do you want from me? What do you want to hear? That I was falling in love with you this summer? I was. That it was the most incredible time of my life? It was. That these are the darkest days I have known? They are. But these little moments, seeing you, laughing with you, knowing you are here with me—they get me through. Land, sometimes all I can do is think about what could happen after May thirty first.”
Landon’s eyes darkened, and I knew it would take all of our control to not fuck up at this moment. He took a step closer when Dean’s voice rang out.
“Landon, where are you, you snatch-bucket? I challenged you to forty pull ups. Don’t hide like the little prick you are.”
Landon looked pissed, but I leaned up on my toes and whispered, “Well, I can vouch for the little prick part not being true.”
He burst out laughing and banged his head lightly back on the wall. I waved and ran off before Dean could catch a glimpse of our intimate moment. That had been way too close for comfort. Landon and I had to keep more distance. It was too hard to be close to him when we had the connection we did. But I had to do something to ease his pain. If he really was going to be faithful to me for the remainder of the year, he deserved to know that I was hurting every bit as much as he was, and that there was a chance that I’d be there at the end.
***
MY KINDLE BEEPED, signifying it was almost out of power again. Ugh. These nights I read so much, with nothing else to do and no one to talk to, that I frequently drained the power on my most favorite possession. Plugging it in to an outlet near my nightstand, I lay back and listened. Silence surrounded me. Evie’s moving out had been so much harder than I ever anticipated. Everything lately had been harder than I anticipated. Weren’t things supposed to get easier as we got older and learned more? Evidently not.
Evie moved into her townhome last week. Her new roommate, Marla, also had Down syndrome and seemed nice enough. She was very shy, and Doris, the woman hired to live with them and help at the home, was quiet as well. I worried about Evie constantly. I was used to having her with me while mom worked at night. Now, I was alone. I thought about Landon on nights like these, knowing he was often alone in his house, with his parents out socializing or working. I hadn’t realized until recently just how much he must have enjoyed the companionship that Evie and I brought him this past summer. Now we both sat alone in our homes, unable to connect in any way. It was so painfully silent.
The phone rang next to me and I glanced at the clock. 9:01 pm. That would be Evie. I told her on the first day she moved out that she could call anytime, but that I’d like to say goodnight sometime around 9:00. I usually got up at 5:00 am to work out before school, so I tried to get to sleep early. Evie took that, like most things, literally. She called each and every night at 9:01 to say goodnight.
“Hello, my Evie!”
“Hello? Emma?”
“Yes, Evie, it’s me. How are you?”
“How did you know it’s me?”
I smiled into the phone. “Just a guess. How’s my sister tonight? Have a report for me?” Even though we weren’t lying side-by-side in bed, I still asked for her nightly report on her day. I was sure she thought it was for her benefit, to keep her smiling and feeling loved. But the benefit was all mine. I missed her like crazy and hearing the report on her day kept me connected in a small but crucial way.
“I hated dinner.”
“Oh, no. What did you have to eat?” Evie loved food. She loved to eat, she loved to help cook, and she loved to discuss meals. She and I started watching cooking shows together years ago, and so I knew all her favorite meals.
&n
bsp; “Doris said we haf to eat healfy. Bull crap.”
“Now, Evie, the McMurphy Agency told Mom and me that they are committed to providing healthy meals for all of their clients. That’s a good thing. I try to be healthy too, you know.”
“She made something green and bad. Fale?”
I snorted. Wow, Doris. Mighty brave of you. Cooking kale for Marla and Evie? “I think you mean kale. That’s an acquired taste. I understand that you might not care for it. What else did you eat?”
“Pork chops and rice. Boring.”
“Next time you come here for dinner I’ll make you spaghetti, garlic bread, and chocolate cake. Sound good?”
Evie was quiet for a few minutes. Then she sniffled—she was crying. She hadn’t cried to me since before she moved in. Shit. If someone was cruel to her, I was driving there right now to get her. “Evie? Are you okay?”
“No. I don’t like it here. Can I come home?”
I swallowed the boulder that was lodged in my throat. I had feared this conversation since the moment she moved into her new home. I knew it was coming. At our home, Evie was the center of our universe. Now, she was being treated as a true adult. Her opinions and wants didn’t always come first. She had a roommate’s desires and needs that had to be balanced with her own. She had an adult who was not her mother watching over her. Someone who requested her help, even when Evie might not feel like giving it. The first week I moved into the dorms at college, I missed home terribly, but I knew I couldn’t quit and walk away. I had to use all of my inner strength and adapt. Evie would have to do the same. She wanted her own place. She wanted to be an adult. But she would have to learn, like everyone else, that it wasn’t always easy.
“I wish I could say yes, Eves, but I can’t. You have your own home now and it isn’t like going to camp or on vacation. We have to think of ways to make it work for you, but you can’t give up.”
“I know. But today sucked.” Evie sniffled quietly.
“Some days do. I get that. But tomorrow is a new day. Can you think of a list of dinners that you’d like to help Doris cook? You could talk to her about them at your Monday house meeting. I bet she would love to hear your ideas.”
I wanted to tell Evie that my days were sucking too, without her in them. That not only was I unable to be with the only boy I’d ever loved, but my only sibling, my real best friend, was gone too. I wanted her to make ME feel better, because she could always do that for me. But she needed me more now. And if Evie could make it through these first tough months of independence, she would settle down and find happiness.
“’Kay. Thanks, sis. Can you help me think of some?” I closed my eyes and lay back on my pillow. Evie and I spent the next hour brainstorming healthy, fun meals for her new home. I even got her laughing by the end. We may not have been in the same home, but we would always have a connection like no other.
“You’re such a loser, Brian.”
“Seriously. Have you ever even been near a girl? Had one date? I bet the dweeb hasn’t even kissed a girl.”
“It takes effort to be this lame, Brian.”
I listened to the junior boys picking on Brian, a shy sophomore on the track team, hidden from their view as I sat with Billy around the corner. I stood up to intervene, but I stopped when I heard Landon’s voice.
“What the hell, guys?” Landon approached the group loudly and I waited to hear how he would handle this situation.
“What do you think you’re doing? Gary, Bradshaw, Isaac? You’re football players. You know better. We are a team here. This is a brotherhood. We respect each other and have each other’s backs. There are enough assholes out there picking on people. Not here. Not on this team. Not in this family. Hear me?”
The boys mumbled apologies to Landon and then to Brian, and I heard them jog away. Landon spoke quietly to Brian. I strained my ears and could just make out what he said.
“I’m sorry about those guys, man. Some of the seniors on the team last year picked on them and treated them like crap. Now they feel like it’s their turn to make someone else feel like shit. The cycle has to stop here. Promise me you won’t do the same next year?”
“No way. I hear you. Thanks, Landon.” Brian’s pride and gratitude was discernable. Both boys jogged off and I exhaled slowly. Landon was changing—growing up—and changing others, right before my eyes. And he did that without knowing anyone was watching or listening. Next to me, Billy smiled widely. He looked down as soon as he caught my eye, but he had heard the whole conversation as well. This was big. Landon was different and showing it to everyone around him.
The day before State Finals, Landon came into my fifth period honors history class unannounced. My adorable and impressionable freshmen fell silent as he ambled up the room to speak to me. I understood the quiet. My breath caught just looking at him in his dark blue jeans, tight grey thermal shirt, and heavy black boots. His shirt was so tight the outline of his abdominal muscles was visible. He ran his fingers through his cropped hair, smirking at the class and then rested his big hand on his oversized silver belt buckle. The sounds of teenage hearts crushing were almost audible in the room.
“Ford needs your copy of record stats to send to the qualifiers. Can I grab your thumbnail drive?” he spoke quietly, trying not to disturb my class.
“It’s right here.” I handed him the flash drive from my desk and saw Sadie with her hand raised. Sadie was funny and bright, but she looked like she could still be in elementary school with her petite stature, side blond ponytail, and make-up free freckled face.
“Sadie?” Landon moved out of the way, so I could answer her question.
“Ms. Harris, is that your husband or your boyfriend?” Her classmates giggled and she turned pink with embarrassment. My eyes widened and my eyebrows rose as I looked at her with feigned annoyance.
“Class, this is Landon Washington. He is a senior at YOUR school. You don’t know him?” The class continued to giggle as many shook their heads. They didn’t recognize him. Or fear him. His reputation no longer preceded him.
“Do you know what this means?” I whispered as Landon looked almost embarrassed and gave me a confused half grin.
“That we are meant to be together?” he muttered, his back to the class, ensuring privacy, as I laughed.
I shook my head, continuing to murmur softly. “No. It means you no longer are known as the biggest jerk at Zionsville Academy. Congrats!”
Landon laughed again as Sadie raised her hand.
“Sorry, Ms. Harris. You two so look like a couple. Like totes. My bad.” Sadie giggled nervously as she got back to her classwork.
“Okay! Everybody back to work. Goodbye, Mr. Washington,” I said, shaking my head so that everyone knew I found Sadie’s suggestion absurd. The class settled down as Landon walked to the back door of the classroom. He stood in the doorway for a moment, completely out of sight of the class, until he caught my eye. His naughty wink made me blush, and I hurried back to my lesson on prohibition and the roaring 20’s.
Once again, the irony of my situation did not escape me. Landon was my alcohol—my addiction—and, yet, I couldn’t have it. I couldn’t touch a drop. I finally understood the depths people would go to in order to satisfy their greatest vice.
***
OUR LAST MEET of the season was the State Finals. It was held at the local community college on a Saturday in March and would last the entire day. The bleachers were packed with friends and family members of the athletes. Our team was settled in a corner, stretching and fueling up with protein bars and oranges.
I knelt next to Landon and Dean. “Are your families here?”
Dean pointed to a rowdy group who were all tall and blond like himself. “They’re here. Every stinkin’ one of them. I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t place.” It was the first time I had ever seen Dean insecure or vulnerable.
“You’ll do great, Dean.” I smiled reassuringly. “I seem to remember you telling me that you love to hear peop
le scream your name.”
Landon and Dean threw their heads back with laughter.
“Did I get that right? So, give them something to scream about, okay?” Dean continued laughing and high-fived me.
“What about you, Landon? Any family here today?”
He shook his head, obviously disappointed. “Not football, so doesn’t matter… not here.”
I nodded, wishing I could hug him, but knowing that wasn’t going to happen, nor would it help.
“You guys are up next. Head over to the check in.” I watched them jog off and checked on Billy. He was wearing the kind of ear-muffs that landscapers wore to drown out noise. He shot me a thumbs up and a big grin as he sat anxiously on the bleachers, ready to write times for our records.
The horn sounded and the boys took off in the four hundred meter dash. At the very end, Landon edged past Dean to take first. I felt pretty sure that the anger of being at the meet alone had propelled him to the finish line. Dean congratulated him, and Dean’s family whistled and cheered. It was clear the Goldsmith’s loved Landon and were happy for his success, even at the expense of Dean’s—almost like they had two sons in the race.
Both headed over for water, and I prepared our pole vaulters for their check in. My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I ignored it. This was our final meet. Whoever needed me could wait.
Not more than five minutes later, Tara flew through the air after a perfect vault. My phone vibrated again. Now, I was concerned. I didn’t have many friends and they would never call repeatedly. I stepped into a corner to check my messages. There were three missed calls from my mom. My stomach sank and I knew something had happened. For a brief moment, I considered ignoring the missed call. I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say to me. But that wasn’t me—and my family needed me.
“Mom?”
She answered on the first ring, breathless. “Emma. Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I know you have a track meet, but Emma…. It’s Evie.”
