Not Yet

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Not Yet Page 18

by Laura Ward


  And, then, you pour a strong fucking drink.

  ***

  AFTER AN ARCTIC winter filled with below zero temperature, ice storms, and blizzards—spring was a welcome change in Indiana. The violets and peonies bloomed, grass was green again, and the air smelled fresh and clean. School was filled with the yearly excitement that occurred whenever the increase in temperatures resulted in the decrease of clothing. As soon as it hit sixty degrees, the tank tops, flip flops, and tiny shorts made for happy teenage boys across the state.

  Spring sports season had many students playing baseball, softball, or volleyball. Landon, Dean, and their gang of testosterone-filled-muscle-heads all played varsity baseball. I only knew this because I saw them in their uniforms, and there was nothing—and I mean nothing—like seeing Landon in a snug fitting baseball uniform.

  I hadn’t spoken to Landon in three weeks. True to what I had begged of him, he ignored me and I him. Principal Mahoney had him removed from my third period Econ class, and I kept his seat empty as a reminder of how badly I had screwed up my life.

  My mom started her job at the bank and loved it. She was working normal hours, bringing home a decent paycheck, and even making friends. She seemed happier than I had ever known. Evie and Garrett were doing great, as well. Evie was being monitored by the support staff more aggressively and, yet, she still had the independence she needed. It was a balance that worked for her. I spent a lot of my free time going to dinner or shopping with her. She gave me total, no strings attached, love during a time where I felt more troubled and alone than ever before.

  My daily routine was to arrive at work before anyone besides the janitor, eat lunch alone at my desk, and leave as soon as the last students cleared the hallways. I loved teaching my classes, but other than that, I felt like a ghost and every extra minute in that building was sucking more and more life from me. Shout out to my old buddies, Bitter & Boring. They were back with a vengeance.

  I was the school pariah. No more students hung out in my room—had their parents told them not to? The thought made me sick. No teachers talked to me or even looked my way unless it was with scrutiny. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Tommy Stone checked on me each day. With Sam on maternity leave, she worried about me and he promised to keep an eye out. I could only imagine the raft of shit he would get from Sam if he didn’t have news for her at the end of each day. I didn’t mind the attention or the friendship, even if it was somewhat forced. Tommy was kind, understanding, and never made me feel judged. He was there when I needed it… and I really needed it.

  I also had Amy. Amy was the saving grace that kept me from just packing it in and leaving. I would never forget her loyalty as long as I lived.

  Sitting at my desk on a rainy Monday, I looked around for my lunch. Crap. I forgot it at home. I sat back in my chair and looked into the gray parking lot. Landon’s truck was parked alongside several other pickups and SUVs, and I wondered how he was doing. How was he dealing with the real end of us? For me, the pain of his absence felt like I was hit in the stomach, and I couldn’t gather enough oxygen to breathe again.

  A knock on the door drew me out of my daze. “Emma? Are you eating lunch today?” Tommy stood in the doorway with his arms crossed on his chest. He looked worried and his worry made me want to cry or punch something. Either would work.

  “I left it at home. No big deal. I’m not hungry.” A few senior girls were cutting school, running to their cars in the parking lot. I should turn them in for cutting, but I couldn’t care less anymore. My resignation had already been filed, and I wanted these last weeks to pass by quickly.

  “You need to eat. You need your strength to deal with these little creeps.” We both laughed and Tommy seemed to relax.

  “Did you hear the big news of the day?” I shook my head as Tommy continued. “Dean Goldsmith and Landon were both accepted on full football scholarships to Indiana University. It’s the talk of the school. Thought you’d want to know.”

  I flashed an obvious half-hearted smile at Tommy. He didn’t want me to have to hear about Landon from the other students. He was like a big brother to me and I adored him for it.

  I was really, honestly, thrilled for Landon. He worked hard, dedicating himself to that sport. He trained diligently for his goal and he achieved it. I think he had come to realize in the past year that there was a lot more to him than just football, though. I wished I could congratulate him and tell him how elated I was for his bright, open future. His parents would be ecstatic and their pride, as much as Landon wanted to deny it, meant something to him. At least one of us would leave this school year on good terms.

  “Thanks for telling me, Tommy. Congratulations to you, too. You coached them for three years on the varsity team. Your hard work has paid off.” I smiled when I saw his gruff shrug.

  “It’s not because of me but thanks. How about you? Heard from any schools yet?”

  “Yeah, I got into University of Southern California’s Graduate School of History. It’s my first choice, mostly due to the location. I can study while I lie at the beach and watch the palm trees sway.”

  “Well, then, congratulations to you too, Emma. I’ll tell Sam. She’s been so upset over how you’ve been treated. She really wants you to have a fresh start.”

  “Maybe you can come visit? I would love to show sweet Lily the beach!” I clapped my hands together at the thought of the Stone family visiting me. I could imagine, for just a minute, that I might get a true fresh start.

  Tommy grinned. “I would never turn down an invite to the beach. Count on it.”

  Tommy left and I was just about to do a vending machine run for a power lunch of peanut butter crackers when Amy knocked on the door.

  “Ms. Harris? Your Mom dropped off lunch. She talk’d to Principal Mahoney. He asked me to bring it.” Amy was wearing high-waisted blue jeans and her signature polo shirt and pink glasses. She handed me my lunch with a shy grin and sat across from me.

  “Thanks, Amy. I’m kind of embarrassed my mom had to bring my lunch since I left it at home.” I laughed and began to eat my tuna with relish on wheat bread.

  “I forget all the time. Forgot today.” She watched me eat hungrily and I smiled.

  “Let’s share. I have plenty.” I spread out a napkin for her and gave her half of my sandwich, pretzels, and carrots. I grabbed an extra cup and poured her some pop from my can. I caught her happy smile and knew that in some small way, I was bringing happiness to Amy’s life. She brought me comfort and peace, and I think I brought her acceptance. We had become a great team. As much of a shit-show as my life had become, I felt I was in the right place with just the right person.

  She was my friend.

  ****

  The next day during third period Economics, the seniors were joyfully sharing news of college acceptances. I congratulated all of them but secretly made bets on which ones would ever make it through.

  I remembered the overwhelming feeling of excitement when you realized where you would be spending the next four years of your life learning and growing into the adult you always wanted to be. It really was the best time of your life, and I wished it had worked out that way for me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to congratulate Landon myself, so I did the next best thing.

  “Dean, Coach Stone told me about you and Landon being accepted with full rides to IU. Congratulations to you both. I know you will have so much fun playing football together and enjoying all that college has to offer in Bloomington. Maybe you guys will even become as popular as the basketball players!” I winked and smiled warmly at Dean who had become a nice guy as the year went on…possibly because he realized that I was special to his best friend.

  “Thanks, Ms. Harris. I’ll be sure to tell Landon what you said. He isn’t as pumped as I am for college, but he will be when he gets there.”

  Ricky high fived him and hollered “Hells yeah!” and we all knew he was referring to the keg parties and the girls.

  I couldn’t help but l
augh at their exuberance. “I agree. I felt the same way when I arrived at UVA. Have fun!”

  “Uh, Ms. Harris?” Dean appeared unsure but continued on. “How about you? I heard you might be going to grad school next year?”

  This question was undoubtedly coming from Landon. I smoothed the front of my black skirt and stood up from my perch against my desk. I addressed the whole class since I didn’t want to appear that I was giving a message to Landon, and because I knew by the silence that suddenly filled the room that everyone was listening.

  “Yes, I’m leaving after the school year ends for the University of Southern California, for graduate school to study history.” I pulled down my fitted green sweater, nervously tugging on the ends. I was really happy that I was accepted into my first choice school, but I wished it was under different circumstances.

  “Wow USC… the Trojans!” Dean, and all the boys in the room, snickered at the ever mature condom reference. “My cousin applied there just so he could be a Trojan. Never got in… He said it wasn’t the right fit… too constricting… rubbed him the wrong way… Anyway, congrats, Ms. Harris!” Dean yelled from the back, laughing with this buddies, as several other seniors smiled and wished me luck.

  Cammie and Stephanie were huddled in a whisper, and I turned from them quickly. I didn’t want to hear the rude comments. I wanted to move on.

  At my designated lunchtime, I sat in my classroom alone again and opened the pasta salad I had made the night before. I looked up to see Amy in my door, holding up her red lunch bag with a smile.

  “Come on in, Amy! I’d love some company.” She giggled and ran in to join me. “I actually have something to show you.”

  I handed her a brochure from the LIFE program at Clemson University. “I’ve been doing some research, and I thought this might be something to share with your parents. Clemson University has a college program for students just like you. You could apply, if you’re interested in college, and if you get accepted you would live on campus for two years.”

  Amy’s jaw dropped. “Live? On campus?”

  “You wouldn’t be alone. You’d have roommates and peers to help you. You’d take classes on skills to help you in your adult life, and you’d be a real college student. You’d make new friends, hang out on campus, eat in the cafeteria, and work out in the gym—everything I did in college. You could do it too.”

  Amy’s eyes scanned my face, absorbing every word I said. She didn’t know that I had called her mom about this program a few weeks ago. I wanted her permission and support before I spoke to Amy. Her mom couldn’t have been more supportive, but she wanted me to broach the subject with her daughter. She knew Amy might shut down if she got scared, and she thought I had a better chance of getting Amy motivated about this new idea.

  “Then what?”

  “Well, after you complete the two year program, you graduate, move back home, and get a job. Then, you’ll be more ready when the time comes to live on your own. You’ll make new friends, and you’ll have fun. It’s college, Amy. You could go to college.”

  “I could go to college?” Amy whispered the words, pushing her glasses up higher on her nose.

  “You can totally do this. What do you say? Should we fill out the forms? Then you can take them home and talk to your parents?”

  “Let’s do this!” Amy finally looked excited and I could breathe fully again. I was nervous about this conversation. But as soon as I read about Clemson’s program, I knew it was perfect for Amy. She was already overjoyed at the next step towards autonomy in her life, and I knew she would thrive in a program like Clemson’s. Amy was strong and she had learned a lot of confidence in high school. A college experience would bring her real world knowledge and happiness. And I sure as hell would be screaming my head off for her at that graduation ceremony.

  For me, Landon, Dean and Amy—we could all have a fresh start next year, far from Zionsville. If we could move past the fear and focus on the new beginning, the best really could be yet to come.

  ***

  I DID A good job avoiding everyone at school but occasionally I slipped up. As the stress of my life continued to overwhelm me, my workouts became longer and more intense. More days than not, I leapt off the treadmill and raced to the showers in order to make it to my first period class on time.

  “Oooommppff.” The noise was pushed from my lungs as my body jolted from the impact. I fell backwards, landing hard on my ass. Wiping the sweat from my eyes, I saw that, once again, I had run straight into Landon’s chest.

  He didn’t say a word, but extended his hand to help me up. I slipped my hand into his large, warm grip and briefly closed my eyes. My heart raced as he pulled me to my feet, and I shook, feeling as if a lightning bolt of electricity surged between us, triggered by a mere touch.

  He stared at me without uttering a word, intently watching my physical reaction to his presence. Since I had asked him to stay away, he timed his morning workout so that it no longer coincided with the end of my workout. It was clear from his hardened gaze that he hadn’t planned on “bumping” into me.

  “I….” My voice trailed off as I searched for the right words. I wanted to congratulate him on the scholarship. I wanted to tell him I still loved him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for hurting him and pushing him away. I wanted to tell him I forgave him and that my job ending was never really his fault in the first place. I wanted to say so much to him in that moment.

  But I said nothing. It wasn’t the right time for my words.

  Not yet, anyway.

  That same day, heading to the main office to get my mail after school, I walked past Landon standing with his friends. They were all laughing and congratulating Landon and Dean. Landon didn’t see me, and it gave me the chance to see that he was genuinely excited about this next step in his life.

  I tried to ignore the drop in the pit of my stomach. Landon would move on and find success and happiness in college—I knew he would. He would have the experience that nearly every male athlete dreams of. He was hot. He would play football at a large Division I school. He was going to be a rock star on campus, and he would get a great education and meet a girl his own age—or my age—but at least they would be in the same place in life. I certainly didn’t want to think about him with other girls, but I still cared enough for him that I wanted that dream, that experience, for him.

  Though I had very little experience with love, I was beginning to believe I understood it better. I loved Landon enough to want the best for him. To want more for him than I had myself. And just that realization alone was enough to make me believe we would both be okay after all this was behind us.

  My 9:01 phone call jolted me awake. I was so emotionally exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open.

  “Hey, sis, how are you?” My voice was raspy from sleep, and I cleared my throat quietly.

  “Shitty.”

  I bit my lip to hold back laughter. No matter how old my sister got, her profanity always cracked me up. Mom told me she cussed frequently because it made her feel like any other adult. She really only let loose when she was angry, and few things were cuter, in my opinion, than my pretty, sweet, loving sister on a rampage.

  “What’s the report, Eves?”

  “I want to move in with Garrett.”

  Uh-oh. I wasn’t sure what my response should be because I still didn’t know the party line on this one. Many of Evie and Garrett’s friends were in relationships, but none of them lived together. Mostly because you were opening a whole new can of worms when you took it to that level. Individuals with significant intellectual disabilities shouldn’t, in most everyone’s opinion that I knew, be raising children. Therefore, birth control was now an issue. And for people that dealt with memory loss, that was a problem. But, like in all things, I wanted what my sister wanted. And she wanted Garrett. She still hadn’t bonded in any way with her roommate, Marla, and she was lonely. I needed to support her and help her. But how?

  “Have you talked w
ith Mom about this?”

  “Yes. She told me it’d be tough.”

  “What about Garrett? What does he say?” Garrett was such a good man. I couldn’t wait to hear his response.

  “He wants to marry me.”

  What the what?

  “Evie, did he ask you to marry him?” I hoped he hadn’t, because I wasn’t sure they really understood what that kind of commitment meant, but I didn’t want to insult them.

  “No. He thinks we shuld move in first. To be sure we don’t screw up.”

  Garrett was a smart dude. I, myself, was an advocate of living together before marriage. Mom had expressed her disturbance over the difference between the man she married and the man she dated. I didn’t want Evie or myself ever ending up surprised over the moral character of our spouse. Even as I thought the words, I cringed. I had been dumbfounded over Landon’s actions. I questioned his moral character for a time. Although I wanted all of us to make sure we chose guys who were kind, truthful, and loving, even I had to admit they were still human. And they would make mistakes and hurt our feelings and have to dig their way out. And we had to love them through it.

  Focus, Emma. Your sister needs you.

  “I totally agree, Evie. You and Garrett, if it is allowed and we can work it out, should live together before you even think about that next step.” I hesitated. Screw the agency and screw society’s judgments. If this was what she wanted, I was behind her. Who was I to tell another adult, within reason, what they could or could not do. “Do you really want this, sis?”

  “Big time.”

  “Okay. I’m on it.” We ended our call and I went to mom’s room to fill her in. She agreed with me. We would support Evie in any way we could. Mom told me she would start making phone calls the next day. The first hurdle would be Garrett’s parents.

  A few nights later, Mom arrived home from work earlier than normal and knocked on my bedroom door. I was lying on my bed, completely immersed in my latest romance novel.

 

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