by Laura Ward
“Do you have a minute?” She popped her head in and I closed my Kindle, nodding. “I talked to Garrett’s parents. They love Evie and want this to happen very much. The next step is making sure the McMurphy Agency has funding for new housing. If all goes well, this could happen within the year.”
“Wow! That’s great! How’re you feeling about it all?”
“Good. But now I have to talk to her doctor about contraception. Evie and I had ‘the talk’ years ago, but in that conversation we talked about waiting until she was in love and in a committed relationship. I think she’s there. So….” Mom looked a little uncomfortable. She was always completely frank and open with us on these matters, but this was muddy water for any parent to push through.
“Yup, she’s there. I did a little research. I was thinking a hormone shot may be the way to go. No worrying about a pill for her to remember.” Mom nodded as I spoke. We were both worried, but we knew in our hearts that Evie would never want a baby or be able to raise one. So, it was on us to protect her. And so we would.
“Emma, there’s something else I need to talk to you about.” Mom sounded really nervous and I sat up, concerned.
“I know how upset you’ve been about Landon and how everything ended with him.” She watched me carefully as she traced the flower patterns on my bedspread.
“I also wanted you to know that I talked to Principal Mahoney. He is very sorry about the drama and very pleased with how well you recovered and are finishing your year. He says that you’ve shown great courage and maturity and that a lesser woman could never have handled it.” Mom stood up, wringing her hands in front of her, and began to pace.
“Mom!” I stared at her wide eyed and balled my fists. “I am not a child. Why are you talking to my principal about me?”
“Emma, I didn’t go to him on purpose. I bumped into him when I dropped off your lunch. He asked me into his office because he’s worried about you. Everyone at school is worried. They see how withdrawn you are and how you eat lunch alone every day.”
“I do not,” I replied defensively. “I eat with Amy. Plus, of course I’m withdrawn. I’ve been publicly shamed.”
“I know.” She held my hand and squeezed it. “But you’re doing the right thing and moving on. This is what you have always wanted to do and it really is the best thing for you. I filled Ernie…err, Principal Mahoney, in on your acceptance to USC. He is so thrilled for you, honey.”
“Mom?” I stared directly at my mother’s face, until she met my eye. “Why did you just call Principal Mahoney, Ernie?”
“Well… that’s the other thing, hon.” She looked very timid as she began to stare at my worn pink carpeting.
“He sort of asked me out on a date. I mean it’s totally nothing, really. We are just getting a quick bite of Italian at Ciao by Villagio, and that’s it. It’s very casual, really, and so not a big deal. I just wanted to tell you before you saw him here picking me up.”
I was sure I was about to levitate right off the bed. I dropped her hand and leapt up, dizzy from both the news and my sudden heart palpitations. “Mom—no. No! You can’t date my boss!”
“Emma, please. Be reasonable. He’s only your boss for another month and a half. And he is handsome and smart and funny.” She smiled at the thought of him, and I slapped my hand across my mouth because it was horrible, and humorous, and wrong, and cute, and nothing I had ever envisioned in my entire life.
“And I like him!” she exclaimed, sounding like one of my teenage students.
Mom hadn’t been on a single date after my father left us. Not one. Not one man ever came over or even called the house. Her life focus was always on Evie and me. I was thrilled she had found someone she was interested in, but I just couldn’t believe it was my principal.
“Okay. Okay. I’m happy for you. Just be careful all right? Guys can be kind of tricky. Take it from me—you shouldn’t fall for ANY of them too quickly.”
Mom jumped up and hugged me, giggling like a little girl and fighting hard not to squeal with excitement. She skipped out of my room and I flopped back onto my bed.
Closing my eyes, I groaned out loud. Was everyone allowed to find peace and happiness but me? What the holy hell? Was it me? Did I suck so bad at life that I was destined to never get it right? I could only hope Cali would be the new beginning I so desperately needed.
New beginnings for everyone?
***
The pressure in my chest—the inescapable vise of my father’s expectations—grew every day. I’d done what was asked of me. I had a full ride to his alma mater to play football, just like he did. The goal that was set for me—that he set for me—from the time I could walk, was achieved. I would have thought that accomplishment alone would lessen the pain rumbling around inside. But it didn’t.
I missed her. I missed her wit and sarcasm, making even the most boring economics concepts bearable, and even interesting. I missed being her friend. Over the summer, I fell in love with her—no doubt about it. The love and the desire I felt for her outweighed everything else. I’d gone almost a whole school year as only ‘friends.’ The need for her in my life was unquestionable. I needed her love and her touch, but if I couldn’t have that, if I had nothing else—I had to be her friend. And then that was taken away too.
No one understood. No one could possibly grasp how this all felt to me. Not even Emma. I was changing. Acting like the man I wanted to be, finally. For the first time in my life, I was treating everyone I met with respect. Everyone. No matter how popular, attractive, smart, or abled. I had learned that everyone was important for a reason—and I showed it—and it felt fantastic. Then, after the Goddamn horror of Evie’s accident, I learned that the Harris’ thought of me as family. In ways that my own didn’t. They cared about me. And then I lost them. Again.
All because of that stupid dick Jared. He had to disrespect her. He had to make her sound like a slut. We’d followed the rules. We’d been friends and nothing more. And now everyone whispered about her. I watched them. I watched the boys think about screwing her and the girls look at her with disgust. And there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Until Jared crossed the line, saying she could “grade” him. Jackass. I wanted to do a whole lot more to him before I was stopped.
Now there was nothing to do but wait until I could graduate and get the hell out of Zionsville. I’d heard the news—Emma was moving to California. I was happy for her because this was what she wanted… But knowing she’d been asked to leave because of me? It was a pain like nothing else… the pressure inside of me built until it had to be released.
“Help me!” I could hear Billy calling out as I rounded the corner and saw Jared Watson holding him high in the air by his pants, showing the crowd both his brute strength and Billy’s weakness. A few other juniors were playing hot-potato with Billy’s backpack, glasses, and even shoes, enjoying the helplessness written all over his—my teammate’s—face.
I saw Billy’s face, only for a second, and then all I saw was white. The hallway suddenly narrowed, the laughter from the other kids muted, and everyone’s movements became sluggish, as if they were in slow motion. I saw everything that was wrong in my life in front of me. I had the power to stop this. I could finally stand up and do the right thing. I cared about someone, only because I wanted to stop their suffering, not because it benefitted me in any way.
And that was the last rational thought I had.
I had a vague awareness of Dean beside me as the air rushed against my face. I knew I was running fast, but I wasn’t in control of my legs. I was relieved when Dean grabbed Billy from Jared before I unleashed.
My fist first connected with Jared’s head, snapping it back, again as if in slow motion for me, but a violent racking for Jared. Then I delivered a series of body shots that made the lockers behind Jared sound like they would come off the wall. I’d shocked him, so he wasn’t ready to retaliate or protect himself. He hunched over, wheezing, the breath knocked from him and his nose
now disfigured.
In the background, I heard his friends yelling at him to fight back. Then Dean roared and they scattered, dropping Billy’s belongings on the floor and running away. I let it all out. I let the pressure out and let someone else feel all of my pain—which was unfortunate for Jared. “Stop picking on people, you motherfucking asshole!” I screamed as I pummeled his chest, his stomach, and his shoulders.
“Be a man. Be a FUCKING MAN!” The words were ripped from inside of me as I punched Jared over and over. The hurt and the anger and the disappointment from the past months poured out of me. I would never again be the person who looked the other way. In the back of my mind, I wondered why I’d bothered with words. He’d never listen to them. But he’d sure as hell hear my fists.
I felt the vise inside me releasing its grip. I smelled the sweet, but metallic, smell of blood in the air. The crunch of bones against teeth filled my ears and heat blazed from my pores as strongly as if I stood in the desert sun. There was blood everywhere, mostly oozing from Jared’s face, but also a fair amount from my knuckles. There was a sharp pain running through my hand and up my arm, but it was dulled by the rush of energy streaming through me. There was no stopping this—until I heard her.
“Stop!” Emma screamed. “Stop, Landon!”
She ran to us and Dean jumped onto my back, wrapping his arms around my chest, and pulling me away. “Calm down, man. C’mon, Landon. It’s okay. You got him. He heard you. Calm down.” Dean whispered in my ear as he held me back and I started to shake.
The pressure and pain that had built inside of me was gone, but was quickly replaced with an overwhelming sense of dread.
Jared lay on the floor, covered in blood, whimpering as Emma crouched next to him, speaking softly. She raised her head and met my gaze as I shuddered. Her eyes told me everything in that moment. This was bad in ways I couldn’t even understand yet.
***
PRINCIPAL MAHONEY AND Ford ran up. Principal Mahoney rolled Jared over to see his beaten and swollen face. “Emma, call an ambulance. Ford, get Landon and Dean to my office, now!”
Principal Mahoney and I sat by Jared, talking to him until the ambulance arrived. Looking up, Billy stood there with paper towels and ice packs, urging me to give them to Jared. The look of guilt on Billy’s face, as if he was somehow to blame, infuriated me. It was always the innocent victims that tried to find reason in an unreasonable situation.
“Thank you, Billy.” As he showed me a small, gentle smile, it occurred to me who the real man in the situation was.
The paramedics evaluated Jared and said he most likely had bruised ribs and other superficial wounds, but they still took him to the hospital.
I left school in a haze, not knowing what happened to Landon or Dean.
The next morning the school was in mayhem. Dean stopped into my classroom before school began. “Ms. Harris, thanks for your help yesterday. I don’t know what got into him, but he just snapped.” Dean sat on a desk and I walked to him, concerned.
“Is he okay?”
Dean shrugged. “He’s suspended for five days. Jared got two days for bullying Billy. Jared is pretty beat up, but he can still play ball this weekend. Landon—he broke his hand.”
“Oh no. I’m so sorry. Please tell him I said that.” Dean nodded. “And, Dean, thanks for coming to tell me. I really appreciate it.”
Dean smiled and started to leave. Turning at the door, he spoke in a hushed voice. “You know, he told me over the summer that he met a college chick who was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen but also wicked smart and cool. He said he was in love. I didn’t put two and two together until the track meet. Landon was such a player before. This year, nothing, nada—all year. I know it doesn’t matter now, but he’s like a brother to me. He’s a good person, the real deal. I think he loves you, and I think you should love him back.”
This time I could only nod, swallowing my emotion, as Dean left the room. Landon’s five day suspension was the talk of the school. I didn’t hear about anything but the fight for several days, and I hoped for everyone’s sake that it would soon blow over.
Prom was only a month away and if I thought Homecoming was bad, I was sorely mistaken. Every morning some idiot was singing into the loudspeakers, asking his love to the big dance. Flowers were delivered to classrooms, cars were decorated with proposals, and banners were hung on the school building itself. My absolute favorite was the man hired to dress in an ape costume and ask Stephanie Romley to Prom on behalf of Phil Vassil, during my Econ class. It was so over-the-top stupid she actually looked pissed. And I loved every second of it.
I asked Amy at lunch if she was going to Prom. She looked down, sad for a moment, before she smiled and told me she was, again, going solo. She and her mom had picked out a pretty pink strapless, satin gown and she was thrilled to wear it. I told her I was chaperoning, so I would be there solo, too. We convinced ourselves that we were too cool for dates anyway, and we agreed to meet at the punch bowl and share a few dances to our favorite songs.
With Prom fever rampant, I couldn’t help but wonder who Landon would take. It would be hard to see him in a tux. I knew he would look devastatingly handsome, and yet I couldn’t even acknowledge him. Still, with his suspension and the end of our… whatever it was… It would be enough just to see him happy again.
Friday was another spring soaker, with torrential downpours all day long. It was the middle of the afternoon and the sky was dark gray with clouds. The chilly rain came down in buckets, pooling on the roads and causing flash flood warnings all over Boone County. I drove home slowly, fearing my worn tires would skid on the slick roads. As I pulled into our lot, Landon’s big black truck was parked in a visitor’s space. I knew I shouldn’t speak to him. It would be safer not to have even verbal contact, but knowing he was hurting was more than I could take. I threw on my hood and jumped out into the pouring rain. I may have had a raincoat on, but I was drenched to the bone the moment I left my car. I ran to his passenger door, not bothering to knock, and jumped inside.
“Whew!” I shook the rain off my jacket and wiped my eyes. As soon as my vision cleared, I drew in my breath. Landon’s pain was indisputable and it shot through me. He rested his head on the steering wheel, eyes closed. His hand was casted and wrapped in gauze. He looked horrible. Pale skin, red eyes, and stubble on his cheeks. I wanted to comfort him—but I couldn’t even touch him.
“Landon? Are you okay?” I asked quietly. I worried that, like a wounded animal, he would flee and hurt himself more.
He laughed a hard, tortured laugh. It sounded familiar. I knew that sound because it came from being jaded with life. It came from making mistakes, being punished, and finding out how unfair it could all be. I knew that laugh very, very, well.
“Am I okay, Em? Am I okay?” He opened his eyes and the empty distance was clear. Those brown eyes had been so full of spirit and warmth. Now they looked haunted. “I lost it all, Emma. I lost everything.” He took a ragged breath and leaned back against the headrest.
“Landon, what are you talking about?” His agony was overwhelming me and tears welled up behind my eyes. He turned to look at me and his face crumpled in pain.
“My right hand is broken bad enough that Coach Stone had to tell IU football. They pulled my scholarship because of the injury, the fighting, and the suspension on my record. No IU and no football.” Landon closed his eyes again and drew in a jagged breath.
“No. No….Landon, Oh God, I’m so sorry.” I didn’t care anymore about the no contact rule. I had to offer him some comfort. I grabbed his uninjured hand, but he recoiled.
“Don’t touch me, Emma.” He spit the words out and I blanched. His reaction was clipped and raw—so opposite of how I knew him to be. “I shouldn’t even be here, but I didn’t know where else to go. If you touch me, you could lose your recommendation. I can’t cause you any more problems. All I do is fuck things up.”
A boom of thunder made me jump, and a huge bolt of
lightning briefly illuminated the sky. Rivers of rain raced down the windshield in front of me, and I let Landon’s words soak in. I shivered from the cold rain and from the detached misery of the man I cared so much about.
“That’s not true. What happened with us is not your fault.” I spoke softly, knowing that it wasn’t the truth but wanting to soothe him in any way I could.
“Not my fault? It all started with my lie. Now, you’re forced to move to California, and I lost my scholarship, which pissed my parents off like I’ve never seen.” Landon shook his head at the memory and stared out the window, clearly reliving something horrible.
“What happened at home?” The knot in my stomach grew. It had to be bad.
“Dad and Mom got the call from the recruitment office that my offer was rescinded. Dad pushed me around and screamed at me for being a piece of shit. Mom yelled at me and wanted to know why I got in the fight. I told them about Billy and my dad punched a hole in the wall, screaming at me for fighting and losing my future for a ‘retard.’ He’s such an asshole. I jumped on him and got in a few punches before my mom was able to break it up. Of course, he sucker punched me when she was holding my arms.”
He turned to face me, revealing a huge bruise on the other side of his face. I pressed my hands to my mouth to hold back my cries. “They told me I had to be out of the house as soon as I graduated. I was no longer welcome at home.” His defeated voice filled the cab of the truck. It hung in the air, the knowledge that Landon had just seen every dream he had ever known die.
“They kicked you out?” Landon wouldn’t look at me. He just nodded. What heartless people. Their son was clearly at his lowest point in life and they added to his misery. Fucking assholes.
“So, to sum up—I have no football, no college, no family, and I can’t even be with you. The only girl I have ever loved. I never thought it would get this bad.” Landon punched his broken fist against the steering wheel and then cursed loudly in pain.
