The Man I Loved Before: A completely gripping and heart-wrenching page turner

by Anna Mansell

I head home, driving steadily. I go past the end of Kate Pinkerton’s road and wonder.

  So I turn around and pull up outside the house she used to live in. Her little car is parked on the drive. A Fiat 500. She always loved the little Fiats. We’d drive miles in her little yellow Seicento when she first passed her test, singing loudly to Wham!, laughing as we went.

  I knock on her door. And wait.

  There are voices from inside. A dog runs to the glass and jumps up. Two slippered feet come down the hallway and there she is, door open. Her face falls from a bright smile to thin-lipped disdain.

  ‘I’ve nothing to say to you and I’d like you to leave.’

  ‘I know, and I’m sorry, but I really need to tell you something that I couldn’t tell you before. Please. This isn’t a lame apology, it’s just something I should have said when it happened, and though it still doesn’t excuse my leaving you in the lurch right before your wedding, I hope that you might see why I did it, even if you don’t agree. I wouldn’t expect you to agree. I guess I just want to be honest. And then we can both move on.’

  She folds her arms but doesn’t slam the door in my face and for that I’m bloody grateful.

  ‘The day I should have been at the dress fitting, was two days after I had a miscarriage.’ Her face drops. ‘I was bleeding quite heavily still, I was also a mess. I’d also been drinking because I was so confused about the baby and what had happened.’ She drops her arms, holding the door with one and the frame with the other; her door opens just slightly. ‘The thing was, I thought I’d killed the baby with drinking, and maybe I did, but maybe I didn’t and either way, it had happened, and I didn’t know what to say or where to turn and I couldn’t bear the idea of how upset with me you’d have been. It wasn’t long after you’d heard it might be tricky to have children, though… I’m happy to see that’s not the case. Really happy. It’s just that I didn’t know how to be honest with you because the whole thing was messed up and I am sorry. I am so, very, very sorry that I let you down. And I know I can never make it up to you and I don’t expect you to forgive me or even believe me, but I just wanted to be honest with you. It’s overdue, but I can’t change that now.’

  More release. More weight off my shoulders. More sadness at old me who didn’t know how to deal with all the things life was throwing at her. The me who thought she’d been at rock bottom but who’d barely even scratched it.

  ‘I hope you and Greg will be very happy together. I hope you had a gorgeous day. I thought about you, I caught sight of you as you arrived at the church. You looked beautiful.’

  On the wall in her hallway, there’s a photo of them on their wedding day. She looks dimple-cheeked and utterly in love.

  ‘I’m sorry. I guess that’s all…’

  * * *

  I walk down her path back to my car. In the car window I see her still stood on the doorstep. As I open my car door she calls out to me, ‘Jem.’

  I turn to face her.

  ‘Jackie Collins book club is every third Thursday of the month. The next one’s at mine, next week. You’d be very welcome.’

  87

  I bend down behind the telly to flick on the switch and red fairy lights light up the tree. It’s probably not entirely as Mum would have had it, not least because I haven’t measured each bauble to ensure they’re equidistant from one another but still, as I stand back to admire my handiwork, I reckon she’d have approved.

  Adjusted a few baubles, but approved.

  I can’t tell what smells better when I go in the kitchen, the chicken (because who actually likes turkey anyway) or the nut roast. If I’m honest, it’s probably the chicken, but I still won’t have any.

  I jiggle the roasting tray until the potatoes tumble and coat themselves with more oil, browning perfectly. I give the Yorkshire batter a quick whisk to make sure it’s still got air in it, determined to get them right. I glance up at the mirror that Mum painted, where once upon a time I’d catch sight of her watching what I was doing, making sure I was doing it right, and I wish with all my heart that she was still here.

  Then I head into the dining room and look at the table. Christmas plate chargers are layered with the willow pattern plates and tiny crystal glasses that Mum wanted to give away and I wouldn’t bloody let her. Thank goodness for that, because although the plates are small and we may have to pile the food high, I wouldn’t have a faux Christmas dinner round at mine any other way.

  The clock strikes three and I hear a car pull up outside. A child whoops and screams and I know that the second I open the door, Harley will knee slide into the lounge with prowess and pride. Just as he should do.

  ‘Oh my God, Jem, this looks beautiful,’ say Leanne, Elsie on her hip, a bag of toys and nappy stuff slung over her shoulder.

  ‘It does, doesn’t it?’

  She plants a kiss on my cheek then arranges cushions on the floor, wedging Elsie into them. Harley immediately drops down and starts to play with his little sister like the gorgeous big brother he has become.

  ‘Here’s my contribution,’ she says, handing me a selection of cheeses and some fizz.

  ‘Lovely, do you want it in the fridge?’

  ‘Nope. I want it in a glass. Madam’s outright rejected my boobs now, so I have some abstinence to make up for.’

  ‘But your car?’

  ‘I know right, being a grown-up is crap. Andy’s back tomorrow, so I guess I’ll just have the one glass and make it last for the rest of the day.’

  ‘I could run you back, if you like?’

  ‘Drunk in charge of two children? Probably best not to.’

  ‘I suppose. Okay, one glass coming up.’

  I pull out a flute from the kitchen cupboard, smiling at the Royal Wedding mug, and pulling it out for Harley to have his drink from. ‘Did you talk to Kate the other day, when I left you in the Forge? I saw you get up and move towards her,’ I call through.

  ‘Yes. I did. It was lovely actually. Feel a bit bad really for being so down on her for so long. She’s actually really nice, isn’t she?’

  ‘I bloody told you.’

  ‘I know. But I didn’t believe you because I couldn’t understand how anyone could be so bitter towards you. And I didn’t know the full story.’

  ‘Look, you got off lightly, somehow I never managed to shit on your bonfire.’

  ‘No. True. Although you did once wee on my daffodils.’

  ‘Yes. On the same night you force-fed me gin, so I think we’re even.’

  ‘We probably are. And drunk Jem was funny, but I think I like sober Jem more.’

  ‘Me too.’

  The doorbell goes and I jog through to open it. ‘Hi, come in, go through, let me take your coat.’

  Kate grins at me, dimples clearly on show. ‘Hey, Happy Christmas. I know it’s going to be a tricky one this year. I imagine the firsts all are, but I’m so proud of how you’re handling it. Here, some Appletiser for you. And some mince pies baked fresh this morning.’

  I sniff at the tin, they look just like the ones Mum used to make, which gives me a flicker of sadness before a smile of gratefulness for all the tiny memories that chip in when I’m least expecting them. And for a memory to come from Kate makes my heart swell at how easily we’ve been able to reconnect. ‘Go on through, Leanne’s already there. And Elsie.’

  ‘Ahhh, I can’t wait to meet Elsie Alice, hey, Leanne, how are you?’ They embrace before Kate bobs down to say hello to Elsie. ‘You just wait a second and you’ll have a playmate won’t you, yeah?’ She stands up, checking out the window. ‘Greg’s just bringing Charlie in now. I’ve sort of left him with the carrier and all the paraphernalia that goes with it. Don’t you think it’s bonkers how much stuff you have to take around with you?’ Kate says to Leanne.

  ‘It’s crazy. I’d forgotten how much crap there is. I’d managed to get rid of some with Harley being that bit older. But now, I’ve got all his stuff and all her stuff and I am an actual pack horse half the time.’
<
br />   I leave them to chat, helping Greg in with bags and a bottle. ‘Sorry for all this stuff. I promise we’ve only come for the afternoon, this isn’t us moving in indefinitely.’

  I show him through to the lounge where he greets Leanne and she offers to get them drinks and my heart is almost full with good friends and babies that don’t belong to me.

  And then Ben’s car pulls up on my drive. And he waves shyly at me. And as he gets out of the car, I know that I’m ready. And it didn’t take me too long after all. Because when you love yourself enough to love someone else, and you know without question just how much they love you back, what’s the sense in waiting around?

  If you loved The Man I Loved Before, don’t miss Anna’s powerful, uplifting earlier novel I Wanted to Tell You, available here.

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  Buy now!

  I Wanted to Tell You

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  * * *

  ‘My love, sometimes I think that if I’d found a way to talk, we’d be together now…’

  * * *

  Helen had thought she was happy. But then her husband Alex announces he’s leaving, and her life falls apart. All she ever wanted was for their love to last a lifetime. But now he’s gone and she doesn’t even know what she’s done wrong.

  * * *

  Then, as her courage is faltering, Helen happens upon a bundle of unsent love letters, tied with a red ribbon, and signed only ‘the love you wished I could be’. And – even as the letters start to help Helen make sense of her own life – it becomes clear that someone has been keeping some heartbreaking secrets.

  * * *

  But who do the letters belong to? Can the sender ever be reunited with the one they love, or is it too late? And when Helen finds out the truth about Alex, can she find it in her heart to forgive him, or will he never be the love she wished for?

  * * *

  An emotional, unmissable read, exploring the devastation of loss, the power of love to heal, and the truths that bind us all together. Perfect for fans of Jojo Moyes, Diane Chamberlain and Daniela Sacerdoti.

  * * *

  Order now!

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  Books by Anna Mansell

  How to Mend a Broken Heart

  The Lost Wife

  I Wanted to Tell You

  Her Best Friend’s Secret

  The Man I Loved Before

  A Letter from Anna

  Dear reader,

  * * *

  I want to say a huge thank you for choosing to read The Man I Loved Before. If you did enjoy it, and want to keep up-to-date with all my latest releases, just sign up at the following link. Your email address will never be shared and you can unsubscribe at any time.

  Sign up here!

  You have no idea how much I appreciate the time you’ve given in reading my words. To write and be published is a privilege I take very seriously, and I really hope you’ve enjoyed this story. Those who’ve read any of my previous books, may remember from my author letters how much of my earlier books were written at my mother’s bedside as she went through treatment for cancer. Some may also know that I then lost her in September 2018.

  This book began to come to me in the months after that fact. I remember a conversation with my brother where I said I just wanted her to know we were okay, and that she could go knowing we’d survive, that she’d done her job. I relate to Jem in as much as I too am a fundamentally flawed human being. But I, unlike Jem, realise how this is true of most, if not all of us, to some degree or other. It’s so hard to blame ourselves for choices we’ve freely made without sometimes realising that, in fact, certain experiences may have conditioned our behaviour. It’s not about making excuses, but it is about taking responsibility, then forgiving ourselves. To err is human, etc.

  With that in mind, I wanted to write about someone who felt they had hit rock bottom, and push them even further, to help them realise just how much they could actually take. Perhaps that makes me sound somewhat cruel, but in fact, it was because I truly believe that we are often so much stronger than we dare to believe.

  If you have enjoyed this book, please do leave a review. I’m often found hanging around social media, so feel free to find me there as I love to hear from readers. And if you’d like to hear from me about future books, please do consider signing up to my mailing list, I promise no spam, just book updates as and when they come.

  Finally, if you, or anyone you know, is affected by any of the themes in this book, there are support networks available to you. Here are a few links in case that helps:

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  www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk

  www.aa.org

  www.macmillan.org.uk

  www.cancersupportcommunity.org/family-and-friends

  www.samaritans.org

  * * *

  Thank you once again for reading. I am truly, truly grateful.

  * * *

  With love, A.x

  * * *

  www.feelthefearandwriteitanyway.com

  How to Mend a Broken Heart

  A compelling, heartbreaking tale that will make you laugh, cry and believe in the kindness of strangers. Perfect for fans of Jojo Moyes, Lucy Dillon and Miranda Dickinson.

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  When Rhys is called to the hospital to meet Susan, a woman he barely knows, he is compelled to help her. Still grieving the loss of his brother months earlier, Rhys knows all too well the feeling of loneliness.

  * * *

  There are years between them, but Rhys is the only person Susan will respond to, and when she asks him to bring her her most treasured possession, a book of fairytales, he is intrigued.

  * * *

  Hidden in the book is a clue to Susan’s past, and the painful regrets she carries with her. And as Rhys starts to unearth Susan’s secrets, he finds that his own grief begins to heal too…

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  Together, Susan and Rhys must learn to live again. Can they help each other to find happiness and finally mend their broken hearts?

  * * *

  How to Mend a Broken Heart is a heart-wrenching and absorbing story about second chances, forgiveness, and making every second count.

  * * *

  Get it here.

  The Lost Wife

  Fans of Sheila O’Flanagan, Amanda Prowse and Kelly Rimmer will love The Lost Wife, the compelling story of a woman’s deepest secrets, and the friends and family who must learn to live without her.

  * * *

  ‘An incredible, beautiful story of loss, love, forgiveness, moving on, overcoming grief, redemption and above all, hope.’ Renita D’Silva

  * * *

  When Ellie Moran passes away, she leaves her newborn son and husband Ed behind her. Their marriage was perfect, their lives everything they had hoped for. So why was Ellie keeping secrets from Ed?

  * * *

  Knowing he can never ask his wife the truth, Ed is struggling to cope. When the secrets threaten to tear his whole family apart, Ed turns to Rachel, the one person who sees him as more than just Ellie’s widower.

  * * *

  But then Rachel discovers something Ellie was hiding, something that would break Ed’s heart. Can Rachel help Ed to find peace without the wife he lost – and a second chance at happiness?

  * * *

  Get it here.

  Her Best Friend’s Secret

  Get it here!

  * * *

  She deserves the truth. But it will ruin her life. What would you do?

  * * *

  Emily was meant to be the girl who escaped their small Cornish town. She was going to be the success story. But it didn’t work out the way she
’d dreamed it would. And now she’s back home. With a secret that’s even bigger than her failure.

  * * *

  Emily thinks she can just hide away. But then she runs in to Lolly, her one-time best friend from school, who spontaneously suggests a small reunion with their once close-knit group of friends. Jess and Amanda still live nearby, though none of the four women have spoken in years now.

  * * *

  But after so much time, everyone’s lives have changed. Nothing is as easy as it was in their schooldays. And everyone’s got secrets. One of which is big enough to ruin not just the fragile friendships, but one woman’s whole life…