My stomach growled ferociously around four and I headed downstairs again. He was watching some poker tournament on TV. As I passed through to the kitchen, his eyes followed me. I heard him behind me. Crap. I couldn’t eat in front of him. That would blow my plan to be on a hunger strike.
“We’re running out of time to talk,” his voice was flat.
“What’s to talk about?”
“I’m glad you asked,” he said smugly. “Tell me what bothers you most. You knew I’d slept with other girls.”
“Women,” I jabbed.
“OK. You knew I’d slept with women before. What upsets you the most? That we documented it?”
“No. That’s just stupid and immature. Why would you have scrogged a married woman?”
“I told you and I’m not sure if you heard me…this was all before and during the really bad time. I was drunk off my ass.” His lips were tight across his teeth.
“Drunk? For both married women?” I brought my brows together ready to prove him wrong.
He hesitated, then raised his brows. “Same time. Same place.” He stared at me waiting for me to get it. I didn’t and I’m guessing my vacant expression gave it away. “We were drunk, Will and I, at a bar, where we knew we could get served and drinks bought for us. A cougar bar. Will went home with one. I went home with two.”
My mouth fell. “You…”
“Yes I did. And don’t think for a second that I did the seducing. They came after me.”
“And that makes it OK?”
He stepped closer to me. “Em. I didn’t care at the time. Asking me now, sober, later…it was stupidest thing I ever did. And if I could take any one of them or all of them back to fix what has happened, I’d do it in a second. There was never a relationship or a commitment or love. It was sex.”
“What about the virgins?” My tone was hateful.
He shrugged. “What about ‘em? There was no force. It was a decision they made. I wasn’t out searching for them. I was a guy presented with an opportunity and I took it. No one was hurt.”
I walked from the kitchen. “Just like me. I was an opportunity and you took it.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. If I was after your virginity, I could have had it six months ago. Hell, playing my cards right, I could have had you that first night at your house.” He was angry.
He was probably right. I fell in love with him the moment he stood in the doorway asking for Ryan. I started up the stairs.
“Think about Ryan, Em. Think about the number of girls he’s had. Think about Grant, Estelle…any number of people my age. And I hate to say this but the city is even worse than this place.”
Halfway up the stairs, I turned and stood face to face with him. “Oh. I’m sure anything is better than this God-awful hell hole you’ve been in for the past year. Just leave. No one wants you here. Leave.” I shouted and ran the rest of the way up.
Something jolted me from a sound sleep. I opened my eyes and lay there. A loud noise echoed through the house. The clock read 11:20. What was that? I sat in bed listening for it again. THUD. I concentrated trying to pinpoint where it had come from. I swallowed hard as I opened my door. “Zach,” I yelled down the stairs. No answer and my heart started to race. I glanced at the framed family pictures as I took the stairs slowly. “Zach?” Still nothing. Once at the bottom, I noticed the green light on the security screen. The alarm had been disarmed and panic settled into me. “ZACH!” I yelled louder. I walked into the living room and flashes from the TV flickered against the empty leather sofas. Where was he? Tears began to swell in my eyes.
The lights in the kitchen were off. My heart skipped a beat as the thought of him leaving crept into my mind. I had shouted it at him, repeatedly. “Zach.” My voice wasn’t as loud and the hair on my neck stood. I suddenly bolted toward the stairs. “ZACH!” I screamed running up the stairs straight to Ryan’s room. Empty. My feet were moving before I realized and I threw open the spare bedroom door. Nothing.
“ZACH!” I grabbed my cell phone from my desk and dialed his, barreling down the stairs again to check my parent’s room. I threw open their door and now every light in the house was on. Nothing! “Zach,” I sobbed and sat at the foot of their bed. He’d left. The phone continued to ring then went to his voicemail.
“EMMA!” He yelled. “Where are you?” His urgent tone scared me as he suddenly rounded the corner. When I saw him, I buried my face in my hands and couldn’t control the emotion. He was instantly at my side.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” He cradled me in his arms.
“Where were you?” I cried.
“I took a shower.”
I shook my head. “No. I looked in the bathroom and you weren’t there and there was this noise.”
He gently stroked my head. “I went to the garage to get stuff out of my bag. I knocked over the coat stand by the garage door, twice. I’m sorry.”
I sniffed and wiped my face with my shirt. “The alarm wasn’t on and I was screaming for you.”
He kissed my forehead. “I didn’t hear you. I had to have been outside.”
“I thought you left.”
“I wouldn’t leave you,” he whispered and kissed the tip of my nose. Before he could pull back, I grabbed his face and pressed my lips forcefully to his, kissing him hard. His lips returned a kiss just as powerful, hungry and mashing mine. I fought for a breath but refused to break free when his tongue softly met mine and a whimper resonated through my throat. His hands gripped my back and my face, crushing me into his body. I was a part of him, I wasn’t sure I could get closer. There was an unspoken urgency between us; as quick as it happened, the urgency disappeared and a loving gentleness took its place. His lips softened and though still eager, a more patient kiss replaced it. He finally did break free and stared at me. Eyes…searching for a sign…any sign that things would be OK. His eyes in return seeking forgiveness…a forgiveness that I couldn’t give him. I pushed him away and stood.
“Don’t go,” he pled, and his words tugged at my heart.
“I have to,” I whispered and didn’t know if he could hear me.
Up in my room, I tossed and turned unable to give in to sleep. My mangled thoughts shifting between forgiveness…anger…love. I knew without a doubt, Zach Owens was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But what did I have to offer him? I was a scrawny, miniature fifteen-year-old from a crappy little town in Oregon who, prior to him, had only been felt up by Doug Harvey in the eighth grade. Zach was my sexual experience…inclusively. He was all I knew and all I wanted to know. It didn’t matter to me who he’d been with or what he’d done with them. It didn’t matter that he had just gotten off of probation for drug and alcohol charges. What mattered to me was that I could never be the girl…the woman he deserved. He deserved someone just as perfect as he was and who was worthy of his love.
My back was to the door and when the crack of light shone through, the thumping in my chest escalated. I closed my eyes and tried to take long breaths, which would indicate sleep. His body slid between the covers and pressed up next to my back. My muscles tensed and I tried to relax my rigid posture. I could feel his breath on my neck and I tried to regulate my pulse and breathing. This unexpected visit was more than I’d anticipated, and I wasn’t sure my faking sleep could go on much longer. When I felt him lightly shove something in my ear, I jerked around to see what he was doing. He held up the earpiece to his IPOD and stared at me. I relaxed my head on the pillow, now facing him and allowed him to slide the earpiece in.
Don’t look at him. Keep your eyes closed. The music was soft and slow and everything I needed it to be to fall right back in love with him.
When morning came, he was up and showered by the time I came around. His bag was in my doorway, and I could tell by his stance he was leaving this time.
“You OK?
I nodded sleepily.
“Well then, I’m out of here.”
I fought the urge to beg him to s
tay.
“Emma. I’ve told you before that when I came here…I didn’t care about much. I didn’t care if I fit in, who liked me, who didn’t. I didn’t care who I hurt. I felt like I’d been banished to a year of hell. I spent three months in school, going through the motions and basically not giving a shit. And no one gave a shit about me. Except for the girls, and as you know, I’ve been there and done that.” He took a deep breath. “Then I met you. You asked about me and about my life and where I was from and genuinely seemed to care. You weren’t all about you which made me want to find out about you. But you left and Estelle unfortunately came into the picture when my buddies were up one weekend. They knew about her and one night we added her to the list.” He shrugged. “I don’t know which one even told her about it but she’s on their list too. It was stupid. We were seventeen and stupid.” He shook his head and crossed his arms then continued.
“I’m not ready for this to be over. You’re everything that’s good and I… am so not. You deserve better and I’ll leave you alone. I thought given the three days we had that we’d work this out. But I know I hurt you and I’m sorry…God am I sorry.” He took two quick steps forward and kissed my forehead. “I love you,” he whispered, picked up his bag and left. From the pain that suddenly enveloped my body, I think he ripped my heart from its cavity and took it with him.
FORTY-EIGHT
Mom and Dad made it home and Ryan and his friends followed a few days later. It was agonizing not seeing Zach, but I dreaded seeing him at school even more. After a few days, my brain seemed to slowly begin functioning again. Maybe Zach was right…I was too good, too pure and too innocent. I had nothing to offer him. So I thought long and hard about what my options were and I had a plan. My mind was made up and I was going to do a list of my own of sorts. I didn’t want to be a virgin any more. But, no married men! I loved Grant and hoped I could start there, though I refused to hurt anyone in the process. If he was willing to do it…so would I. I knew Doug Harvey would be a willing participant, but I gagged at the thought. Brett? Connor? Josh? I had a feeling they’d all say no. It suddenly hit me…who to call.
He answered on the third ring. “Hello?”
“Austin?”
“Emma? I thought that was your number. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Why?”
“You never call during the school year.”
That was true. “Oh. Well. I need a favor.” I crossed my fingers.
“OK. What’s up?”
I knew I couldn’t come right out and tell him what my plan was so I manipulated the story a bit.
“I need a date. Grant is turning eighteen and we’re having a party.”
“A date? Me?”
“Don’t say it. Don’t tell me I’m too young. You know me. I’m fun…” I paused. “Well…I can be. You haven’t been down for a while.”
“Runt, who are you trying to make jealous?” He laughed.
I sighed. Was it that obvious? “Nobody. Well, that’s not entirely true.”
His laughter moved to his chest. “Is this the guy that picked you up from the bar when we were there? He didn’t care for me then.”
“Austin, please. It’s two hours down here. I’ll pay for your gas.”
“When is it?”
“ SWEET!” I tightened my fist. “Saturday night. You can stay at the house if you want.”
“Will your folks be there?”
“I’m not sure yet?”
“Fair enough. Can I bring a buddy?”
“Yes. Make him cute too.”
“Oh. So I’m cute?” He questioned.
“Oh, shut up. You know you’re cute. One last thing, dress hot, smell good and you have to do whatever I ask.”
His laughter made me smile. “Oh shit. Why am I already regretting this?”
“Thank you. Thank you. You’re the best. See you Saturday—be here around nine.”
“Bye, Runt.”
I closed my phone. One!
Saturday, Mom and Dad agreed to give Ryan and Grant from eight to midnight for their little party and I was thrilled. All keys had to be collected at the door and Dad would determine who left, who drove and whose parents were called. Dad said Ryan was to provide no beverages outside of water and soda. He placed a basket by the door and told Ryan keys needed to go in the basket when folks arrived then locked up until he and mom got home.
Austin had called my dad to let him know he was coming and they were going to dinner first. He assured me he’d be there at nine. Ali was the first to arrive. I was still shocked that she and Ryan were still dating. Grant followed soon after. I think he could tell something was wrong but kept busy opening snacks and getting the music loaded.
I went up and changed as the time drew closer and chose a short skirt with a double tank, brushed through my hair and dabbed on some perfume. There was a knock at my bedroom door.
“Come in.”
Grant peeked in. “Did you guys break up?” He lowered his brow.
“Wow,” I grimaced.
“Did you?” He stepped in.
“Kind of.”
“Why?” He asked suspiciously.
I shoved him in the chest. “Don’t act like you don’t know.”
“He told you?” His eyes almost bugged out of his head.
I nodded and swallowed the lump forming as he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest. “When? When did you find out?” His tone was softer now, more caring.
“Spring break,” I whispered the words. “He spent the night here and I found out the next day.”
He shoved me backward and glared at me. “Did you two…”
“Nooo.” I rolled my eyes. Of course we didn’t.
“Well, don’t sound so disappointed. I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
I shrugged. “Whatever.”
“Don’t whatever me. I know you want to be with him. I should have just kept my mouth shut.”
“No. I’m glad I know.” I eyed him skeptically. “How many girls have you been with?”
“Not as many as he has.”
“How many?”
“Emma,” he discouraged.
I shoved my finger in his face. “Grant Meiers. You are a hypocrite. You made him tell me about himself but you won’t tell me about you.”
He laughed. “You were going to sleep with him. You needed to know.” He suddenly raised one eyebrow high. “Do you need to know about me for a reason I’m not aware of?” His tone was hopeful.
I shrugged and started to walk from the room.
“Wait a minute.” He grabbed the waistband of my skirt and held me in place. “What are you up to, Emma?”
I couldn’t hide the smile. “Nothing.”
“Let me have it. You suck at lying.”
I laughed. “I was thinking…about having my own list.”
“List of what?”
I stared at him waiting for it to click in his brain. He stared back trying to put the pieces together then suddenly his jaw fell open.
“BULLSHIT! Does he know about this?”
“No! And he’s not going to…yet.”
Grant raked his fingers through his blond curly long hair. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m not going to mess around with just random strangers—I’m choosing people I know and trust. You, maybe. If you can do it without being a jackass.” I elbowed him.
“Emma. It’s not that easy. You want me to have sex with you and walk away?”
I pursed my lips. “You friggin do it all the time with other girls.”
He shook his head as the words came out. The doorbell rang and he stared at me. “Please don’t do anything until we can talk about his…OK?”
“Fine.” Maybe.
We both shuffled down the stairs and I think I heard an “Unbelievable,” beneath his breath.
By 8:40, the house was full. I knew most everybody, and Grant kept staring daggers into me. His protectiveness was endearing so I tried to offer a smile
in return. With Estelle and Claire actively pursuing the single guys, Ali kept close to Ryan. I wanted Austin to get here and when the doorbell rang before nine, I bolted to answer it.
Zach and Josh stood in the door; my eyes never found Josh’s.
“Hi.” Zach smiled. “How are you?”
“Great,” I lied too quickly, my heart dropping into the pit of my stomach. “You?”
“Not good.” His somber expression made me sad.
God dang it! Why does he have to be so honest?
“Would you like to go for a drive?” he asked.
Did I? I wanted to go with him so badly. I wondered if he saw the agonizing streak of pain that shot across my face. “I can’t.”
“OK. Will it bother you if I stay?”
I shrugged and he finally stepped past me. I closed my eyes and took a long slow breath after I shut the door. He went to the family room and joined whoever was playing the XBOX 360.
Around 9:15, Austin arrived with Vince, the same smoking hot college guy from before. It was amusing to watch Estelle and Claire flit around the room vying for attention. Austin winked at me from where he stood as the girls ogled and asked questions about college making sure the guys knew they were going to be seniors. Ali and I both rolled our eyes at each other. Finally, after plopping my hands on my hips in exasperation, Austin smiled and made his way to me.
“Sorry. I got distracted,” he whispered as he neared me. Estelle shot me the evil eye from across the room then turned and stared at Zach. She wouldn’t, I thought to myself. Who am I kidding…yes she would.
“That’s OK. How was dinner?”
“Good. I saw your boy in there playing the video game.”
I felt my eyes narrow and shot a glare at Austin. “He’s not my boy.”
He chuckled. “So, what’s the plan?”
I took the opened long neck from his hand knowing I wouldn’t drink it but it would serve as a good prop. Zach didn’t like me drinking. “OK. I was thinking. I’d go in and sit down and watch them play, and you could come in and sit next to me. We could whisper and giggle and hold hands.”
Old Enough to Love... (Just One of the Guys) Page 31
