I Remember (Remembrance Series)

by Cynthia P. O'Neill

  I quickly changed into pajamas and sat down at my computer desk to eat my dinner and clicked for the internet to come up.

  The usual, “You’ve Got Mail,” came up; so I decided take a look.

  My heart lightened as soon as I saw a couple of emails from Gregory– one from last night and one from earlier, tonight. The first one read:

  “Hi Jordan, I really enjoyed our talk, tonight. If not for the need to eat and you to take your mom’s call, I think I could have talked with you all night. You are the first person I have ever come across that is so easy to converse with and who shares interests similar to my own.

  When I logged back on, I was a little disheartened that you were not there. I started getting concerned, after a couple hours, when you never logged back on. I was worried that the news of your dad wasn’t good. I hope I am wrong Wish I knew your phone number, so I could call and ask if everything is ok.

  I will be back on at the usual time tomorrow evening around 6:30 PM and might log back on later that night since I notice we’re both night owls.

  Write me when you can. Let me know how things are. Take care – Gregory.”

  The message tonight read:

  “Hi Jordan, I am worried since I haven’t heard from you or seen you on, tonight. Makes me wonder how things are with your father or if I said something you didn’t like or offended you in any way. I hope you would let me know if I did. I will be back on around 11 PM. Hope to talk with you again, soon. Have a good night! Gregory”

  Hmm…he’s worried? I have never experienced anything like this before. I liked the idea of someone other than my parents caring about me.

  This is different I said aloud to myself.

  I decided to go ahead and respond so he would stop fretting.

  “Hi, Gregory! Sorry I was unable to log back on last night. My mom’s call took a while, requiring me to alter my plans for tomorrow and this weekend. Plus my roommate tied up the phone line and where we live, we only get dial-up for the internet. So I haven’t been able to log back on until now.

  As you know, my dad was admitted to the hospital, yesterday. The doctors were able to stabilize him, so the tests will proceed as planned, tomorrow.

  I went into work today, not knowing whether I would need tomorrow off or not. So as a safety, I disclosed to my boss what was going on, ended up working through lunch, and worked late tonight so I could have everything completed for the week, allowing me to be with my parents tomorrow.

  Please know that I have enjoyed our talks, too! You haven’t offended me. If you do, I promise to let you know. You actually entice me.

  I know you mentioned wanting my phone number, but I am not comfortable giving it at this stage. I’ll let you know when I feel at ease to talk on the phone. Hope you understand and hope to chat with you later. Take care – Jordan.”

  Time seemed to move slowly. A couple times my mind crept toward actually talking with Gregory, so I could put a voice to his name. But, it was too early to talk to him by phone. I wanted to get to know him better on the computer, first.

  I looked at the clock. It was 10:15 PM. My day was exhausting and I was beginning to wonder if I should call it a night, since tomorrow would be a long day.

  I did not want to go to sleep, knowing that Gregory was going to get back online. I was tired, but had a strong desire to talk with him.

  Before I could contemplate anything else, an instant message signal rang out.

  “Hello Jordan! How are you doing?”

  “Hi, Gregory. Good, and you?” I caught myself smiling as I typed the response.

  “I decided to log on earlier, just in case you were here. I read your email and am very sorry that your dad is going through so much.” I was still in shock over how much Gregory cared. This was not typical of most guys, but definitely a welcome change.

  “How are you holding up? Do you need anyone to sit with your mom and you for moral support? It would be my honor to be there for you.”

  I sat there staring at the computer screen, not sure how to respond to his message. It would be nice to have someone there to take our minds off of the testing; but still, he was a stranger to me.

  “If I knew you better and we had been dating for a while, I would probably say ok; but us not knowing you, it would be awkward.” I hoped he would not feel rejected, considering the circumstances.

  “Not a problem. I understand. Will you have access to a computer over the weekend?”

  “No. My parents don’t have one.”

  “Ok, then promise me something?”

  “That depends.” What could he possibly ask me to do?

  “Take my phone number with you, in case you need to talk. You don’t have to call, but just in case.”

  “Okay.” I doubted I would call, but what could it hurt.

  “I don’t mean to be overly personal, but was wondering how far you would need to drive tomorrow?

  “I will be on the road for about an hour. My parents live in a small town close to Deland.”

  I hated not telling him it was Deland, but that would give away where the hospital was. At least if I kept it vague and said it was close to that area, it would place three hospitals in the region.

  “Ok, was worried you might have a long drive. My parents live pretty close, too. Just on the southwest side of town. How are you doing otherwise, all things considered?”

  “Fine...I am already packed for several days. I’m not really that sleepy, just nervous about tomorrow.”

  To my surprise, I found myself re-energized as I talked with Gregory. Our conversation continued over the course of the next hour, discussing our jobs, some likes and dislikes, and life in general. There seemed to be no end to questions he had for me and vice versa. We finally called it a night, when we realized it was approaching midnight.

  “Jordan, I am sorry I kept you on here so late. You must be tired by now and need your sleep. I have enjoyed our exchange immensely. I love talking with you.”

  “Don’t worry about me, Gregory. I am worried about keeping you up, since you have work tomorrow. I don’t believe I would be able to sleep very soundly tonight, anyhow.” The last part I knew to be true. I was almost afraid to close my eyes; fearful of a repeat of the nightmare I had a couple of nights ago.

  “I had a nap earlier this evening, so I’m good. Now go get some sleep and remember if you need to talk, I’m only a phone call away. Good night, talk to you soon and all my best for your dad, tomorrow. Bye for now.”

  I didn’t want to say bye, but I did need my sleep. “You’re right, nothing really surprises me much anymore; we seem to have a lot in common. I’ll give you a call sometime soon. Thank you for all your kind words. Bye for now.”

  Before I could log off, another message arrived. “I hope you DO call. Bye, Sweetie.” He was gone before I could respond.

  Logging off the computer, I felt a little regret. Then, a warm feeling spread through me and my inner voice said, “Call him!”

  My mind seemed to wander a bit and suddenly the phone was in my hand and I was listening to it ring.

  “Hello?”

  I gasped. His voice…I totally recognized it. It was the same one that comforted me in my dreams. How could that be?

  “Hello? Is someone there?”

  I finally found my courage to speak.

  “Gregory?”

  “Yes? And to whom am I speaking?” His voice was exactly the one in my dreams, so soothing and seductive.

  My hands were shaking and my breathing was erratic. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called, especially this late. I’ll let you go.”

  As I was about to hit “end” on the phone, he asked, “Jordan?”

  “How did you know?” I knew it couldn’t be the caller ID, because I was using the apartment phone that was under my roommate’s name.

  “It might sound weird, but your voice is just as I imagined.”

  “Actually, I could say the same thing.”

  “Really?” His
voice was full of disbelief.

  “Yes. I don’t know what possessed me to call. I’ve never called anyone this soon. I was just curious to hear your voice. I should go.”

  “NO! Don’t go, yet.” His voice was filled with panic.

  I took a deep breath, climbed into bed and crossed my legs. “Okay, but only for a little while.”

  To my surprise, Gregory was just as attentive and easy to talk with on the phone as he was online. We rehashed some of our preferences in food, music and movies, learning more about each other’s personality and finding we were nearly identical halves to a whole.

  We failed to pay attention to the time until I started to yawn. “Jordan, you sound tired; and while I would love to stay on the line and talk with you endlessly, you need your sleep.” His voice was sincere and full of concern.

  It was nearly 2 AM

  “You’re right, I should go. I’m sorry to have kept you up so late, with work and all.” I apologized.

  “I’m more concerned about your being rested for your drive and the long day ahead of you, tomorrow.”

  “You are so sweet, but I’ll be fine. I am used to running on little sleep, lately,” I replied, yawning again.

  “Remember, you promised to take my number with you,” he pleaded.

  My face split into a wide grin “I promise, but I don’t want to bother you.”

  “I want to know how things go, to know you’re okay. Promise me something else?” Gregory questioned.

  “What?”

  “Have sweet dreams, tonight” His voice was suddenly rich with seduction.

  I caught my breath and my heart skipped a beat. “Okay.”

  “Goodnight, Jordan. Know that I’m counting the moments until we talk, again.”

  I don’t know whether it was the direction of the conversation or my lack of sleep, but I boldly replied, “Goodnight, Gregory. And by the way, dream of me.”

  His breath caught. “I already do.”

  I could not take anymore. I quickly said, “Bye, for now” Then I hung up.

  I clutched the phone deep to my chest. How could fate could be so cruel as to bring someone this wonderful into my life when chaos surrounded me? I only hoped that if things were meant to progress, that somehow we would find a way.

  My mind wandered in an effort to unwind from my intense conversation with Gregory.

  How could I have known his voice, prior to conversing with him? Sleep soon washed over me and pushed those thoughts to another time.

  The same dream, or rather nightmare, resurfaced of my father in the hospital. I felt helpless staring at my father’s body, ravaged with weakness, his hand shaking in an attempt to summon me to him.

  I yelled out, “I love you,” only to see his eyes close and his fragile smile cease to exist. The scene disappeared into nothing.

  “NOOOOOO!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Instantly, I found the same gentle arms surround me. What sounded like Gregory’s voice, whispered, “I’m here with you, Jordan. No need to worry, we will get through this, together.”

  I awoke startled and confused, barely able to breathe. I had never been so thankful to hear the alarm going off, as it broke the connection to that horrific nightmare.

  I felt drained, as though I hadn’t slept at all. I got up and headed straight for the coffee. I would need all the help I could get to stay awake and be upbeat for my parents.

  The warmth of the shower was invigorating and the recollection of my conversation with Gregory helped alleviate the stress that had built up over the course of the night.

  Between the shower, the rush of adrenaline and my nerves, I found myself wide awake and moving quicker than usual this morning.

  I was about to leave the apartment when a voice in my mind prompted me. You promised to take his number.

  I felt silly. I had no intention of calling Gregory again, so soon; but I grabbed his number in order to keep my promise.

  The drive to my parent’s house took less time than normal. I found mom outside waiting for me, arms extended, before I could even get out of the car.

  I saw the worry in her face, immediately, and my heart echoed her concerns. “We will all get through this, Mom, together!”

  “I know. We should get to the hospital. Your dad is anxious to see you; he already called asking if you’d arrived, yet.”

  I was fearful of the condition I would find my father, especially after those horrid dreams. Relief ran through me when I saw his smiling face and his arms reaching out for an embrace.

  His face was tired, looking older than I remembered. The muscles on his tall frame were weak and evident with his hug. His salt and pepper brown hair had thinned and his emerald green eyes looked dark and glazed over.

  “Hi, Dad! What are you doing in here? You’re supposed to be at home giving Mom and me heck.” I tried to lighten the situation.

  Mom went over and gave him a warm embrace and a kiss, putting on a brave face, just as I had, to reassure him that everything was fine.

  Before we could even sit down, a nurse and a couple of transport guys came to take Dad to the outpatient area for his tests.

  The nurse explained how the tests would proceed. The anesthesiologist would talk with all of us to go over Dad’s history. Dad would be given enough anesthetic to make him groggy, but not knock him out, completely; then the doctor would run a bronchoscope down his throat to see what he could find. Afterward, they would take him to the imaging area and perform a nuclear medicine scan.

  Mom and I walked with Dad as far as we could, then gave him our love and told him we would wait for him.

  Waiting felt like an eternity.

  We were anxious when the door opened and a doctor approached us. “Mrs. Carlisle?”

  “Yes.” Mom was quick to answer.

  “I’m Dr. Scanlon. I did the bronchoscopy on your husband, William. He did well through the procedure and is currently undergoing the scan, which will take about an hour. Afterward, he will be in recovery for at least another hour or so, until the grogginess wears off.”

  I was too apprehensive to wait for Mom’s next question. “Did you find anything? Any reason for his weakness or why he is having trouble swallowing?”

  Mom and I held hands tightly as we waited for a response.

  “We found a growth in his throat. It isn’t very large but could be causing some of his difficulty swallowing. We biopsied it and sent it off to the lab. It doesn’t look to be anything serious, but there was an area to the side of it that is questionable and we sampled that, as well. Basically, we want to err on the side of caution.”

  “How soon will they know the results of the biopsy and the scans?” Mom questioned.

  “We have a rush order on both and should know something either by the end of today or at the latest, tomorrow morning. We took photos while we were in there and I will be conferring with my colleagues and with his primary physician, Dr. Hayward.”

  He extended his hand, to shake ours. “It was a pleasure meeting you both. We will do everything we can to figure out what is going on and try to determine the best treatment options. You should take this opportunity to go get some lunch, since he will be resting awhile.”

  In unison we said, “Thank you, doctor.”

  We decided to go to the hospital cafeteria in case Dad woke up early. Mom and I were both relieved that the main tests were over, but the word ‘growth’ was haunting.

  We sat quietly as we ate. “I’m sure everything is going to be fine, Mom. You know Dad, he is stubborn; he will get through this just fine.”

  “I know. Just worried about how weak he is.” Anxiety showed in her face.

  I gave her hand a squeeze. “Let’s just focus on a positive outcome and not worry about anything until we have to.” I attempted a smile, but wasn’t sure if I was convincing.

  We ate quickly and then proceeded back to the waiting area. The receptionist told us he had just been moved back to his room.

  Dad was already a
wake when we walked in. “See, I made it through the test just fine.” He smiled, but I could tell he was just as scared as we were. “Did they find anything?”

  “Only that you are as tough as nails.” I tried to be reassuring.

  Mom gave him a gentle hug and sat down at his bedside to hold his hand. “Honey, they found a small area that they were not sure about and decided to biopsy it. They should know something soon, but told us not to worry.”

  Dad nodded. Then he started looking around the room. “Wow, this is one beautiful room. I never realized how creative they were with the decorating, until now.”

  Mom and I looked at each other in confusion. “What are you talking about, William? This is a hospital room.”

  “I guess the effects of the anesthetic haven’t worn off, yet; but I’m seeing the most picturesque trees and a meadow. It’s so peaceful and inviting.” He pointed toward the corner of the room.

  I tried to keep myself composed. I looked into Mom’s eyes and saw the same fear.

  Before either of us could speak, he looked above my head and sucked in a surprised breath. He spoke in awe. “Jordan, you have the most breath-taking aura I have ever seen. It looks like angels are gravitating toward you.”

  “What are you talking about, Dad?” His words were beginning to scare me and I could see Mom was just as frightened as I was.

  “The most majestic blonde angel is keeping watch over you, while other angels make brief appearances, smiling and then leaving. It is truly breathtaking to watch.” He threw me a quick smile.

  “William, I think maybe that anesthetic is playing with your mind. Do you know what day it is or where we are?” Mom squeezed his hand tightly.

  “You’re right. I know I am seeing things I shouldn’t. I realize we are in the hospital, but everything is so spectacular. Today is Friday, February 12th, right?”

  “That’s right,” we both said in unison.

  Dad lifted mom’s hand to his lips and gave it a quick kiss and a squeeze. He then turned my direction and asked, “Don’t you have plans this weekend?”

  “I’ve cancelled them, Dad.”