Ties That Bind

by Neeny Boucher

  Christina thought that this had been as ugly as it could get, but apparently she was wrong. There was a whole other level of ugly and she was prepared to go there. “You’ve got two options,” she hissed in his face. “Stay here or leave, but if you leave, I’ll take you to court and have you declared mentally incompetent. I’m serious. I’m your next of kin and my roommate’s a psychologist. She’ll help me.”

  Shock registered on Johnny’s face and she knew that this was the memory he’d retain from this day. There would be nothing else, but this moment forever etched in his mind. “You’re going to get off drugs, Johnny,” Christina seethed, “whether you like it or not. So, you can either do it here, in this nice, private rehab center, or at a psychiatric facility. The choice is yours and if you think I’m joking, try me.”

  Turning hate-filled eyes on her, Johnny shook his head. “I’ll never forgive you for this, Dina. Ever.”

  Christina nodded and shrugged. “I can live with that.” So long as he lived, she could live with that.

  Taking one last look at her brother, Christina walked out, refusing to glance back. If she did, she’d break and she couldn’t. Not yet, not until she had some distance.

  If saving his life and having him hate her were the price, then she’d gladly pay it. She doubted they’d ever come back from this. Their bonds were broken. She’d felt them sever and disappear into the ether.

  This would be between them forever. Whatever they once were, it was gone. Her only consolation is that she’d rather Johnny was alive and healthy in the world than the alternative. Even if it meant she was no longer a part of his life.

  **********

  By the time Christina arrived back to her house in D.C., she fell into bed, curling into the fetal position, and stayed there for two days. On the third day, her roommate, Marie, dragged her out of bed, insisting she get up. Marie hustled her into the shower, cooking her breakfast, but she didn’t have an appetite.

  Picking at her food and chasing crumbs around the table with her finger, Christina was too afraid to move for fear the memories of what just happened would resurface. It was as if her body had been flayed and opened to the bone. Movement exacerbated the pain, so she sat as still as she could, staring into space, and wondering how her life had turned out this way.

  She felt shell-shocked, as if she were in a nightmare, but Christina didn’t get that lucky. This was her reality and the best she could hope for was numb.

  “Christina,” Marie said gently. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m here for you. If I can, I want to help.”

  She shook her head, but Marie sat down with eyes full of concern, squeezing her hand in support. If Christina was grateful for anything in this life, it was good friends. “Oh, Marie,” she started, breaking down in tears.

  She cried until there were no tears left and she felt whatever or whoever she’d been before was gone. She felt alone in this world; cut adrift as if everything that once defined her had been erased. All the security she’d once had in life: her mother’s love, her father’s love, Riley’s love, Johnny’s love – no longer existed. If she was to survive this world and she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to, she had to become a different person. It was time she faced reality, because she could no longer live on hopes and dreams.

  **********

  Riley, The Past, New York, July 2009

  A haggard looking Jed arrived at Riley’s apartment, sitting on the couch and placing his feet on the coffee table. For the last few days, Riley had been on edge, wondering if she could pull this off. The days had crawled in ‘real time’ and every text he got from Jed heightened his anxiety.

  If it had been anyone else other than her, it would have been Riley riding shotgun, but Christina’s presence made that impossible. He’d looked at it from every angle and the only person out of the Martin family that had the will to do this was Christina. There was no other alternative.

  “Do you want a cup of tea?” Riley asked, hoping Jed would volunteer information, but the Irishman look shattered. There were grooves under Jed’s eyes and he looked like he’d just come off a three-day bender.

  “No thanks,” Jed muttered. “I want to go to sleep. I’ve been in the air so long, I feel like I’ve got feathers.”

  “Only in your head, old man,” Riley scoffed. “So, is it done?”

  Jed nodded, giving Riley a hard-stare. “Yeah. It’s done.”

  “Is she still here or in California?” Riley asked.

  “She’s in D.C.,” Jed replied. “And that was… harrowing. Christina got him out of the hotel and into rehab.”

  Riley grimaced at the mention of her name. It was easier for him if he pretended she didn’t exist anymore. Johnny wasn’t the only person with an addiction problem.

  “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Jed said with a mixture of admiration and shock. “Well, maybe in some of the pubs in Belfast. Christina gave him a hiding, but to be fair, he did attack her first. She wrestled him to the floor and then dragged him out of there. The other lot had to sedate Georgie and put her in hospital.”

  Riley’s eyebrows rose into his hairline. Johnny attacked Christina? He’d never expected that in a million years. Granted, her welfare was none of his business. She’d made that abundantly clear, but old habits died hard.

  He was surprised at the anger he felt at the thought of someone – anyone – threatening her physically. “No shit?” Riley growled.

  Jed nodded. “No shit. Poor Georgie, the girl was beside herself, but she was acting mental. Something had to be done. I mean she tried to attack Christina and Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph, she fronted up to Georgie like a cage fighter.”

  Riley needed a change of subject because he couldn’t afford to start fixating on Christina. “I’m thinking of taking over managing the band and the first thing I’m doing is firing the asshole they’ve got now. He knew Johnny was a mess and didn’t give a shit. I think he wanted Johnny to join the ‘27 Club’ so sales would skyrocket.”

  Jed raised his eyebrows. “Feck. Well, I think you’ll do a good job, but you’ll be pretty busy, won’t you? You’ve got Mason’s stuff to do as well.”

  Riley shrugged. “I’ll hire extra staff and you can help me.”

  Jed laughed. “I know feck all about music, except for the great Irish bands, U2, Thin Lizzy, The Pogues, The Cranberries-”

  “West Life?” Riley deadpanned and Jed flipped him the bird. “Do you think Johnny will stay there?” They all knew Johnny had tried rehab before and hadn’t lasted.

  A strange look crossed Jed’s face and he nodded. His eyes were big, a mixture of shock and awe. “Oh, yeah. I think he’ll stay there this time.”

  Meeting Riley’s curious eyes, Jed chuckled. “Christina, agh, threatened him. Told him if he quit rehab, she’d have him committed to a loony bin as an alternative form of drug treatment. I thought Johnny was going to shit his pants. It’d make a change from the spewing.”

  Riley’s mouth flew open and he laughed. He couldn’t help it and Jed joined him. Yes, she would do that, knowing full well it would terrify Johnny into submission.

  Jed got up. “I need a bed and when I wake up, I’m going to see Mandy. I want someone to check on that little girl because she looked like she was holding herself together by a thread.”

  Riley ignored Jed, pretending he hadn’t heard him and waiting for him to leave. Clearing his throat, Jed made eye contact, but didn’t say anything. “What?” Riley snapped.

  Jed scowled. “I know you can be a hard bastard sometimes, Riley, but someone needs to check on her. I know you won’t do it, but that was heartbreaking. Are you sure you know what you’re doing? Because that was a pretty big ask.”

  Riley shrugged, but inside his stomach churned. “She was the only one that could do it, Jed. We’ve been over this. None of the other Martins could do it. Jack? No, and Gabby’s too young. The rest of us have tried, but he wouldn’t listen.”

  “She was alone, Riley,” Jed scowled. “
On her own… I was there, but she doesn’t know me. No one else was there for her. She had nobody.”

  Riley pinched the bridge of his nose. He wanted this conversation over. “We needed this done quietly and off the radar. It’s why she was alone. I don’t care about anything else, except Johnny. She’ll live. Believe me. She’s a lot tougher than she looks.”

  Jed stared at him for a bit. “She’d have to be. I don’t think I’ll forget that for as long as I live, but I guess you know best.” Before Riley could respond, Jed waved him goodnight.

  Riley justified his actions by telling himself it had to be her. Johnny’s drug addiction had nearly brought Riley to his knees, but he refused to buckle. There was no way Riley was backing away when Johnny needed him.

  Every childhood memory of Riley’s included Johnny and the Martins. They were a core part of his past, present, and future. The band had been restructured around Johnny and everything was riding on this.

  Riley had already lost her and he refused to lose Johnny as well. He consoled himself that Johnny and Christina would get over it. He’d never seen a bond so strong between siblings. It was unbreakable, as if they were tied together by something mystical. Hell, they communicated in a way no one else understood.

  He kept working to take his mind off everything, but he couldn’t concentrate. Damn her. He swiped the papers off his desk in anger and kicked it, swearing his head off. Damn her for existing and damn him for actually giving a shit about her.

  Riley put his face in his hands and then poured himself a Scotch. Somewhere, Christina’s heart was breaking. He could feel it in his bones and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

  Chapter Seventeen: The Running End

  Riley, Shanwick, The Present, Saturday, November 17, 2012

  “The nightmares started after that, but I don’t get them very often now. Johnny wouldn’t speak to me for years. We used to communicate a little. Texts mainly and sometimes forced family get-togethers, but I’d usually avoid them anyway. Gabby told me he got a cellphone just so he could keep in touch with me, which was positive. You know, considering how scared he is of technology.”

  Twenty-eight. It was the number of tissues Christina had used relaying this whole sorry saga. Riley counted to cope with his guilt and anger.

  This was on him. Jed had always hinted it was traumatic, but Riley refused to have that discussion with him. He’d rationalized the ends justified the means, but now he wasn’t so sure. The ‘means’ was crying in front of him.

  Riley knew it had caused a rift between Johnny and Christina, but never realized to what extent. In hindsight, he should have put it together. Johnny avoided any mention of that time, only discussing it openly now.

  “We’re over it now,” Christina smiled wanly. “I think. I hope. Well, we’re getting along better than we have in years. We had a big talk about it and he’s forgiven me. Gabby’s mishap brought us closer.”

  “Forgiven you?” Riley snapped, harsher than intended. “For what? Saving his life?”

  Until recently, Riley would have denied this even to himself, but he knew what he was doing when he asked Christina to put Johnny into rehab. He’d gone for her weak points: love and loyalty for her brother. Riley knew she’d do whatever it took and he could pretty it up all he wanted, but he could admit it now and own it.

  It had been part of his vengeance against her. After their divorce, he’d wanted her miserable and broken. He’d nearly succeeded and now it had come full circle, he wanted to make amends for being a manipulative son-of-a-bitch.

  “Johnny didn’t see it that way,” Christina whispered, fresh tears falling down her face. Twenty-nine. “I broke his faith and trust. He understands that he needed to go to rehab. He gets that, but it’s the methods I used, and he has a point. I went psycho.”

  Methods? She had no idea what strings he’d pulled in getting her to do his bidding. “Dina,” he said quietly. “This is on me. Not you. I did this.”

  “Did what?” Christina frowned. “Did you make Johnny a drug addict? No, you didn’t. So how is it on you?”

  Riley grimaced. This was the other thing she did. Tried to make herself solely responsible for events beyond her control.

  “I set the whole thing up,” he confessed. “I made you next of kin, so you had the authority to put him in rehab. I knew you’d do it and I knew it would hurt you, but I did it anyway.”

  “That is not your fault,” Christina shook her head adamantly. “I would have been angry if someone hadn’t told me what was going on. I’d do it again – after everything – I’d still do it. Okay, maybe I would have been nicer about it, but if it got my brother off drugs, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

  Riley’s chest constricted at his brave, fierce girl. She looked worn out and haggard, as if all the vitality had been sucked out of her. “You need to rest,” he said gently, leading her into the bedroom.

  He undressed her, insisting she get under the covers. Her eyes looked heavy and began to droop. Riley lay beside her on top of the covers watching over her. He once told her had few regrets, but he hadn’t been explicit. Every single one centered on her.

  “I’m sorry,” Christina whispered. “I know our time is almost up and I didn’t want it to end this way.”

  Kissing her forehead, Riley smiled. “Our time isn’t up. We’re just on pause and I don’t care how I spend our time, so long as it’s with you.”

  Riley rubbed his hands over his head. She would berate herself and carry this guilt forever if he didn’t do something. He was about to break faith with some people, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want her to carry this alone.

  “I don’t know Nate Donovan very well, Dina, but what I do know of him, he’s one of the good guys. They had to hospitalize Georgie and she’s been in and out of rehab for years. She’s always been controversial and she got bad press. It didn’t help with her recovery. Rumor has it, she tried to commit suicide.”

  “Oh my god,” Christina murmured and then tears followed. “I was so horrible to her. I was appalling. The things I said. The things I did…”

  “Okay,” Riley agreed. “You went psycho and you’re embarrassed. I get that, but I think it’s understandable. There was a reason I chose you to do the job for Johnny, Dina. I knew you would get Johnny into rehab by any means necessary. You need to learn to forgive yourself. Johnny’s life is a lot better now than it would be without your intervention and so is Georgie’s.”

  Christina gave a wobbly smile, but her eyes were lolling in her head. Waiting for her to fall asleep, Riley felt philosophical. “Nietzsche once said that people dancing would appear insane to those who can’t hear music. You’ve faced the music and so has Nate. I doubt he’d hold anything against you.”

  Her eyes fluttered open and for a moment he admired how beautiful she was. She looked vulnerable and tender, even though he knew she had scar tissue on her heart. “You read Nietzsche?” She asked in disbelief.

  Wow, he grimaced. That’s not patronizing at all. “I might not be as educated as you, Christina,” he stated, “but I can read and sometimes, I do. Books. Big ones. Ones without pictures.”

  She giggled and he joined her, but the next words out of her mouth gave him pause. “Do you think we’ll ever get to the place where there’s no drama?” Christina whispered. “That it’ll be done and we’ll have worked through all the crap? I’d like the drama taken down a notch. I can’t breathe sometimes.”

  “Sure, baby,” he soothed, but it was a lie. There was drama that he couldn’t even bring himself to tell her. Not yet.

  His life was compartmentalized into boxes where only certain people knew particular information about him, functioning on a ‘needs to know’ basis. The less palatable truth is that he kept their secrets and they kept his. It struck him that no one really knew him; not even Christina. They knew parts of him, but not the total sum.

  **********

  Christina, Seattle, Sunday, November 18, 2012


  “I’ll be back as soon as I can, Dina. Six weeks, maybe seven? I promise. This is the last time.”

  “I know,” Christina nodded. “I just… I’m going to miss you.” It was the understatement of the year and anything she attempted to say made it worse. Christina was trying to be brave under Riley’s scrutinizing gaze, but she was a mess. She wanted to beg him to stay, but that was selfish.

  Riley had to go. He’d made that clear as much as he’d told her over and over that if he had a choice, he’d stay. They were standing in Sea-Tac airport, bonded in their mutual agony, and the moment was playing out in torturous, slow motion.

  Both of them were reluctant to break the deadlock and actually, physically leave one another. Instead, they remained staring at each other with pained looks, prolonging the agony. Handing her an envelope, Riley grimaced. “The keys to my car are in here and so is a power of attorney. You’re me while I’m away, on the project and the Foundation. You’ll be working with Steven. Trust his judgment on people. He’s the fairest person I know.”

  Riley put his forehead to Christina’s and she started crying. “Don’t cry, Dina,” he choked out. “I won’t be able to do this if you cry.”

  She nodded and then cried some more. He signaled to someone behind her, but she didn’t turn around. She wanted to stare at Riley until it was physically impossible.

  “I’ll try to make contact with you when I can,” he smiled sadly. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, Dina. Count on it.” They stared at each other and this was it. It was really happening.

  They clasped each other’s faces, kissing passionately in the airport, ignoring mutters to ‘get a room’. If she could ‘get a room’ with Riley and make him stay, she would. “Your ride’s here,” he said quietly. “I love you always, remember that.”

  “I love you too,” she choked out and then he was gone, striding through the airport away from her. Turning, she cry-laughed. Even in this, his choice was perfect.

  There stood her father, awkwardly shuffling from foot to foot, waving a hand at her. Riley knew she’d be an emotional wreck and he’d picked the one person that would allow her privacy in a four-hour car ride. Dad’s British code of honor permitted she could have an epic meltdown and he would ignore it, pretending it never happened.