Ties That Bind

by Neeny Boucher

  After a bottle, Bianca’s body movements became more fluid and so did her tongue. “Tell me,” she smiled at him over her wine glass. “Did you ever love me?”

  Direct, Riley thought and straight to the heart. “Yes,” he answered truthfully. “I did love you.”

  Leaning forward, her eyes narrowed. She ran her tongue over her teeth, a nervous habit and something he used to tease her about. “You just weren’t in love with me?”

  It was a little more complicated than that. At the time, he had believed he was in love with her. It wasn’t the heart pounding, all-consuming type of first love, but she was the first woman since Christina he’d ever thought of having a future with.

  Riley tried to find the fine line between telling the truth and not being cruel. “It’s not that simple. I loved you-”

  “But you loved her more,” Bianca finished for him. “You told me it was over. You told me I had nothing to worry about and then you went to Seattle, came back, and we were over. Were you having an affair with her when we were together?”

  “No,” he grimaced. “I hadn’t seen Christina in five years. I did not cheat on you, but if I’d stayed, I would have been cheating on us both.”

  “You just walked out, like I was… nothing,” Bianca whispered. “Like I didn’t matter, we didn’t matter.”

  Sighing, Riley inwardly cursed his reckless and careless behavior. He hadn’t come here to talk about Christina with Bianca. He didn’t want to rub it in her face, not that there was anything left now.

  “When I said it wasn’t you and it was me,” he said quietly, “I meant it. I can’t even explain this B, not without hurting you any more than I already have.”

  “Try me,” she retorted. “I don’t think you can hurt me anymore. I deserve the truth. Don’t I?”

  Yes, Riley agreed. She did and he was proud of her courage, even if she’d had to borrow some. He’d also sworn to himself that he and the truth would become better acquainted.

  “I heard a Greek legend once,” he started. “It was about soul mates and how human beings originally had four arms and four legs, but one soul. The Gods feared their power and split them in half, leaving humans condemned to search for the other part of their soul to feel whole.”

  Holding her eyes, Riley smiled sadly. “This is what it feels like, B. Christina’s the other part of my soul and neither of us have much choice in the matter.”

  Although it sounded romantic, it was far from the reality. He wondered if they had a choice, if they would choose one another? He and Dina had found each other, but because of him, they were now destined to roam the earth avoiding one another for the rest of their lives.

  They belonged together, but couldn’t be together, and this was on him. Biting the inside of his mouth, Riley added. “If I were you, I’d be grateful you aren’t Christina. Trust me, you don’t want me to love you the way I love her. I destroyed her.”

  Bianca’s eyes went wide, her mouth a perfect O. “Is this about that horrible documentary and the music? Lana Hamilton is such a bitch!”

  Riley shrugged. “Partially. I never told Christina I wrote the lyrics and that “Magnificent” was about her. I went off my meds and she came to confront me-”

  “No,” Bianca whispered, making him wince.

  “Yep,” he sighed, running a hand across his face. “I lashed out and threw all sorts of shit I’ve done in her face. We’re over.”

  Frowning, Bianca stared at him and then her eyes went luminous. “Do you… is this your way of asking for us to try again?”

  Reaching out and touching her hand, he held it as an ache settled in his chest. He’d caused this woman enough pain and had no intention of delivering false hope. “There’s no getting over Christina for me. I’m condemned now to live this life alone. I wasn’t honest, B, and it wasn’t fair.”

  Taking a deep breath, Riley breathed. “I lied to everyone: you, Christina, but mostly, myself. Some were deliberate and some were by omission, but it doesn’t matter. I need to own what I’ve done and I never have. I’ve just made excuses.”

  Tears fell down Bianca’s face and she swiped them away, trying to smile, but failed. “It wasn’t you,” he whispered. “It really was me. You’re one of the best people I know,” Riley smiled sadly. “You deserve better than a guy that can’t love you the way you should be loved. That’s why I left.”

  “I feel like such a fool,” Bianca breathed, tears gathering in the corner of her eyes. “I had all these hopes and dreams. I planned on spending the rest of my life with you. I loved you. I still love you.”

  “I wish I’d done things differently, B,” Riley grimaced. “I’m sorry. Over the last couple of months, I’ve come face to face with the sins of my past. Some of it has been pretty damning, but I’m trying to be a better man.”

  “You really are a stupid asshole, sometimes,” Bianca choked out. “A noble asshole, but an asshole all the same. I wish-”

  “You’ve got part of that right, B,” Riley sighed. “I’m not noble, but I’m an asshole. I’m sorry for hurting you and I hope one day you can forgive me.”

  “No, you’re not,” Bianca sighed. “Well, not completely. You’re hot and cold, Riley, and I understand there are reasons for why you behave the way that you do.”

  Yes, she did. There had been no secrets about his illness with Bianca. In fact, she and Jed had been the ones to encourage him to seek help.

  “I never told her, B,” Riley confessed. “She had no idea what she was dealing with. I’ve always been moody and had a bad temper, but she didn’t know it went deeper.”

  Bianca shook her head and they both lapsed into silence. He felt like such an idiot now that it had all blown up in his face. He should have told Dina: coulda, woulda, shoulda, but instead he’d done nada.

  “I boxed all your stuff up,” Bianca smiled. “Well, most of it. I may have cut up some of it and thrown it out the window.”

  “There’s my girl,” Riley quipped out of habit and then both fell into an awkward silence. “I’m sorry,” he started. “I didn’t mean-” but she waved his comments away.

  “This is really it, isn’t it?” Bianca sighed. “Breakups always feel like a death, except there’s no gravestone to lay flowers or mourn. It’s like we’re all supposed to pretend it didn’t happen or doesn’t matter. Grieve in private for something that died. Everything about you and me is behind us. It’s taking me time to get my head around that.”

  Riley agreed with that sentiment. ‘That’ was exactly it. Breakups were like a death and while B was mourning them, Riley was mourning Christina.

  “I moved out of the apartment,” Bianca said quietly. “I left a few weeks ago, when I got the lawyer’s letter.” Riley cringed, but she just smiled at him.

  “It’s okay, Riley,” she grinned. “If it’s any consolation, I actually loved your ruthless streak. I found it incredibly attractive. I’d just never been on the receiving end of it.”

  They left each other on an awkward embrace, not quite friends, but not enemies either. Bianca’s perfume filled his nose and he breathed her in, kissing her tenderly on the cheek. A part of him would miss her and he would forever associate New York with her.

  She’d also extended him a generosity and courtesy that he’d never afforded Dina. This was closure with grace and dignity, but also without crazy love. When he finally tracked Dina down, he hoped he had the courage to follow Bianca’s example.

  Chapter Twenty-Four: Fray

  Riley, New York, The Present, Sunday, February 17, 2013

  “Yeah?” Riley snarled into his phone. It was 3.00 a.m. and he’d been asleep for only two hours. He was staying at the Peninsula Hotel because Bianca had not only vacated his apartment, but also taken every piece of furniture with her. He had to admit, he was proud of her.

  “Did I wake you?” Mason laughed, making Riley grind his teeth. “I forget little things like time differences, but I digress. I have some information. Andy James hired a car in Rome yest
erday.”

  Riley was wide-awake now. It was the first solid lead he’d had on Dina in weeks. He knew he’d catch up with her in Rimini when the baby was born, but if he could do it beforehand, he would.

  “Is Andy James gay?” Mason asked, sounding hopeful. “He’s driving a pink Fiat 500. Either he’s gay or his sense of masculinity is so strong, he doesn’t care about ridicule.”

  “It’s the latter,” Riley frowned. “But, does it matter? It’s Andy’s business.” He couldn’t understand Mason’s latest fascination with Andy and Gabby. It was beginning to get creepy.

  After getting the details from Mason, Riley rang Jed in Seattle. “Feel like a trip to Italy?” He asked. “We’re leaving tomorrow. Andy’s hired a car and Mason’s tracking it for us.”

  “Mmmmm,” Jed mumbled. “Do you have a motorbike license?”

  Riley’s heart sank. “Yeah,” he said, reluctantly. “But I haven’t ridden a bike in years and isn’t it the wet season over there?” He didn’t fancy dying before apologizing to Christina. It would sort of defeat the whole point of the exercise.

  “Nancy,” Jed snorted. “Italy’s God’s race-track and a little water never hurt anybody. This is a boys’ road trip and we may as well do it right.”

  **********

  Riley, Italy, Wednesday, February 20, 2013

  “How hard can it be to find a pink Fiat 500?” Jed groaned into his headset, making Riley chuckle. It was proving a lot more difficult than expected.

  Christina was four days ahead of them, but they were staying in a place on the East Coast and hadn’t moved yet. With a bit of luck, Riley and Jed would catch up with them today or tomorrow. Also, the two men had an advantage. They were on Panigale Ducati’s, Riley’s red and Jed’s yellow, while the others were in a Fiat 500.

  So far the weather had held, but time zones were a bitch and he hadn’t quite adjusted yet. The freedom of the bike cleared his head, as did the easy company of the man beside him. Riley was under no illusion that the task in front of him was difficult, near impossible, but if they were to have closure, he wanted it done with grace and dignity.

  He’d given her neither, but he’d spent the last two weeks trying to achieve that. He’d publicly taken responsibility for his actions, pulling in every favor to take the heat off Christina. To his surprise, he got help from unusual sources: the blog in Shanwick and Georgie Le Fey, not to mention some kind of troll army that turned the tide of public opinion for him all over the Net.

  The fallout was still continuing with Entertain You, but that was now in the hands of Meg, Nate Donovan, and their respective lawyers. Riley’s top priority was Christina and she was close now. He could feel it and the GPS Mason hacked for him was pointing him in the right direction.

  **********

  Christina, Polignano a Mare, Wednesday, February 20, 2013

  “Johnny’s in Rimini,” Gabby beamed. “I’ve texted LiLi. She thinks the baby’s close and she wants us to surprise them. Dad and Tessa are there too!”

  They’d been staying at the amazing Grotta Palazzese in Polignano a Mare on the East Coast, carved out of limestone with a view of the Adriatic Sea. The power of nature was mesmerizing and had a way of putting Christina’s life in perspective. She said her goodbyes to her old life singing to the ocean, asking it to carry away her past.

  Over the last few days, Christina felt a fundamental shift in her consciousness. Maybe it was a combination of Gabby’s prodding, Christina’s singing and the cozy conditions of the hideous pink Fiat 500? Somewhere along the way, she started to make peace with herself and heal.

  Christina wasn’t whole, but she was getting there, and she wanted to be with her family. She decided to focus on what was important and forgive the things she could. As the darkness began to lift, she saw a clear way through.

  “Come on,” she grinned. “Let’s go see our family. If we leave now, we can be there by early evening.”

  It was her turn to drive and she wasn’t looking forward to it. She hated the car. It was too small and the color brought the wrong sort of attention.

  The car was like an open topped, pink testicle that Christina had nicknamed ‘the ball sack’. It was Gabby’s choice, declaring it a real Italian experience. On that they agreed, but for good or ill, was yet to be seen.

  **********

  Riley, Polignano a Mare

  “So they left three hours ago?” Jed asked the short, middle-aged staff member. “Did they say where they were going?” The man gave a nonchalant shrug, giving Riley a meaningful look.

  Putting 50 Euros on the desk, Riley smiled, but it was tight. “Any information would be helpful.”

  The man held the note up to the light before nodding. “The short one with the wild hair, she say they go see family. The one with rosso hair, she say her brother is having a baby.”

  Rosso? “Okay,” Riley frowned. “Let me get this straight there are three people: a man, a woman with wild hair and another one with red hair? And they’re driving a pink Fiat 500?”

  “Si,” the man nodded, touching his hair. “Rosso, not naturale. Rosso,” he pointed outside. “Like Ducati. She drive,” he shook his head, grimacing. “Not good.”

  Riley and Jed cast sideways looks at one another. Apart from the red hair herring, the man’s description was pretty accurate, especially about Christina’s driving. They sat down for espressos, taking their biker gear off and relaxing.

  “We could catch them,” Jed nodded. “It’s five hours by car, six at the most and let’s face it, if Christina’s driving they’ll be going at a snail’s pace. It won’t be difficult. Dangerous? Yes. Difficult? No.”

  Riley burst out laughing and Jed joined him. “So, let’s get this straight,” Riley choked out. “We’re looking for bad driving, unnatural red hair, and a pink Fiat 500. How hard can that be to find?”

  Jed snorted. “You always say you’re an unlucky man, but it seems to me even God is on your side! He’s given you neon signs in pink and red, lurching all over the road going fast and slow.”

  Riley and Jed howled with laughter until they got ‘be quiet’ looks from the staff. “What’s the plan?” Jed asked.

  “We could have lunch here,” Riley shrugged. The restaurant was incredible and since they were here, they may as well enjoy some luxury. “And hit the road after that?”

  “Hmmm,” Jed smiled. “Sounds good, but that wasn’t what I was asking. What’s your plan when you catch up with Christina?”

  Riley grimaced. He didn’t have a clue how to approach it. He’d run every scenario through his head and it ended up with him delivering his apology, and then leaving.

  “I don’t know,” he confessed. “I’m going to say sorry, tell her I had a meltdown, and get out of her life. You know, I want her to be happy and I make her the opposite of that.”

  “Uh-huh,” Jed frowned. “Sounds fair to me, very noble,” he scratched his chin. “I’m just wondering where you see yourself in all this? How are you going to feel when she’s married to some other man, raising the kids that should’ve been yours?”

  Riley froze. It felt like someone had stuck a knife in his heart. “Don’t!” He warned Jed. “I’m trying to do the right thing here.”

  “You’re taking the coward’s way out,” Jed snarled. “That’s what’s going to happen you know. She’s going to marry some other guy, live in his house, and have kids with him. She’ll settle. Christina, for all her ditzy, is a very practical girl. She’ll be fine. It’s you I’m worried about.”

  “Shut up!” Riley snarled louder than intended. Their conversation was drawing attention from the staff, but he didn’t care. “What am I supposed to do, Jed? I’ve made it impossible for her to ever want to be with me again. I don’t deserve her.”

  It was impossible. Anything else was delusional and Riley wouldn’t allow himself false hope. He didn’t deserve Christina and she certainly didn’t deserve to be saddled with him.

  “I hate to break it to you,” Jed sco
ffed. “But if only the deserving found love, the world would be a lonely place. I mean, even Adolf Hitler had a girlfriend.”

  Riley coughed and thought about raising the subject of Godwin’s Law, but thought better of it. He’d done some horrible things, but he wasn’t Hitler! “I’m not sure comparing me to Hitler is beneficial or fair…”

  “You want that girl?” Jed roared, waving his hand in peace at the waiter. “You put yourself out there. You fight for her. Put your balls on the table and when you’re done, you leave everything behind. She still might turn you away, but at least you’ll know,” he jabbed a finger, “that you did everything possible.”

  The two men went quiet, ordering food, and shoveling it into their mouths when it arrived. Over the time spent apart, Riley had gone to places in his head he’d never been to before. Instead of getting angry and wanting revenge, he’d let the pain wash over him, facing up to what he’d done.

  Riley knew this came from grief and rage, but it was more than that. He’d transferred his hatred to Christina, but the person he loathed the most was himself. He acknowledged that he’d blown every chance at reconciliation throughout their long, tumultuous history because he’d chosen revenge instead of love.

  The realization had hit him like a body blow, but it had also been liberating. He needed to apologize to Christina and he hoped for her forgiveness, but that was out of his hands. He had to make peace with himself, strive for the middle ground, and when he found it, he aimed to stay there this time.

  “How did you get her back?” Jed asked quietly. “You thought you were over once, but you won her back. How did you do it?”

  Riley’s eyes widened and he raised an eyebrow at Jed. She’d busted in on him drunk at the farmhouse, they’d had sex, met up in Seattle, and made out watching planes. Their relationship had started from there. “Well,” he mumbled, trying to be diplomatic.

  “Not that,” Jed scowled. “We all know about that and it wasn’t the way you got her back. You spoke to her heart. It’s the best part of her, if you ask me. Mind you, I haven’t seen the rest of her, but there was this one time, I surprised her when she was coming out of the shower…”