Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life

by Jason Goodwin

  As sex addicts, we often develop shallow, hyper-sexual relationships because we want to avoid true intimacy. We use others for sex, and encourage them to use us in the same way.

  Sexual addiction can make loving relationships impossible. Substituting sex for love can actually prevent us from ever getting the love we truly need.

  Addictive sex is not love, and sexually addictive relationships are not about love. As sex addicts, we may experience a lot of sexual pleasure, but are often starving for the love we truly need.

  Sexual addiction can destroy love. When one partner cheats on another, the trust in that relationship is often destroyed. If one partner acts out his/her addiction to prostitution or pornography, he/she can grow distant and lost in their addiction. The partner of a sex addict may also begin to grow emotionally and sexually distant.

  Sexual addiction is disdainful of love. As our addiction progresses, we begin to see others as sexual objects or drugs we can use to get high. Sexual addiction reduces a human being to an object of desire. Over time, we feel increasingly guilty and ashamed of our behavior.

  Actions speak louder than words. We will only feel better about ourselves when we abstain from addiction. We must allow our feelings to happen instead of medicating them with sex. It’s time to examine and challenge any unhealthy beliefs we still hold. In doing so, we begin to regain our true selves, our integrity, and our fidelity.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry#1: Acting Out Sexually

  In the past, I felt attracted to partners who had been sexually abused because they were struggling with the same issues that I was.

  On some level, I felt that I was reliving the abuse every time I had sex with another survivor. I realize now that I often mistook feelings of fear, terror, and trauma for sexual excitement and lust. My whole body would shake. It felt as if we were on the same wavelength, re-experiencing the abuse.

  That kind of sex wasn’t healthy, but it was a big rush. For some reason, it felt very pleasurable and addicting. Sex became a self-destructive ritual I used to vent my feelings of anger, fear, and rage.

  The abuse of my past had created a well of powerful, negative emotions inside of me. I would view pornography, hire prostitutes, go to strip-clubs, sleep around, and get into relationships with other survivors of sexual abuse.

  My need to release these pent-up emotions felt overwhelming at times. Yet I always knew that my behavior was unhealthy. Like any other addiction, my misuse of sex grew increasingly destructive over time. In the end, sexual addiction only led to greater pain.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #2: Fear of Being a Sexual Object

  I’m afraid of being used for sex. Why am I so afraid?

  If all my abusers wanted was sex, than that must be all I’m good for. I’m a sexual object with no value. I’m a sex toy. There is nothing good inside of me. All they wanted was my skin. All they wanted was my flesh.

  I feel so empty inside. I feel so devastated. They never treated me like I was human at all.

  I’m so afraid. I don’t want to be an object.

  Exercise 5-1

  Identifying Sexual Addiction Self-Test

  -This is a self-test I developed to help identify the degree of our addiction to sex. This test is not valid for teenagers. Sometimes teenagers engage in the behaviors listed below because they are irresponsible, not necessarily because they are sex addicts. Some of these characteristics apply more often to men and others apply more often to women. Check any of the characteristics that apply to your adult sexual behavior.

  _____ 1. I often think about having sex with multiple partners.

  _____ 2. I have hired prostitutes for sex.

  _____ 3. I have engaged in providing sexual services (prostitution or pornography) for money.

  _____ 4. I have spent money on sex, prostitution, or pornography that was needed for other things.

  _____ 5. I frequently thought about the next time I would hire a prostitute.

  _____ 6. I frequently thought about the next time I would view pornography.

  _____ 7. I have often turned to sex as a reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, depression, stress, or discomfort.)

  _____ 8. I have rejected relationships with people who would not provide sex frequently enough or would not engage in certain sexual behaviors.

  _____ 9. I have had problems with certain relationships as a result of my sexual behavior.

  _____ 10. I have done things I said I would never do as a result of my sexual desires.

  _____ 11. I have engaged in illegal behavior to satisfy my sexual needs.

  _____ 12. I plan ahead and save money for prostitution or pornography.

  _____ 13. I feel shame or guilt about my sexual behavior.

  _____ 14. I have difficulty refraining from sex, prostitution, or pornography even when I really want to.

  _____ 15. I have lost control of my sexual desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship with 1-2 times in my life.

  _____ 16. I have lost control of my sexual desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship with 3 or more times in my life.

  _____ 17. Having sex or viewing pornography makes me feel like I’m in control of my problems.

  _____ 18. I have gotten a sexually transmitted disease or diseases from having unprotected sex. (Examples: Hepatitis, herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc…)

  _____ 19. I feel ashamed or proud of the large number of people I have had sex with.

  _____ 20. I sometimes physically shake in anticipation of sex or sexual gratification.

  _____ 21. I have sometimes used sex as a substitute for love.

  _____ 22. I feel sexual desire for almost anyone who approaches me in a sexual way.

  _____ 23. I will engage in almost any sexual act if it increases my pleasure.

  _____ 24. I sometimes use alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to make my sexual pleasure more intense.

  _____ 25. I have had sex with multiple partners at the same time.

  _____ 26. I wear tight or revealing clothing to attract sexual partners.

  _____ 27. I don’t feel good about myself unless people are attracted to me sexually.

  _____ 28. I am willing to do things that feel humiliating or degrading to please a partner sexually.

  -The scoring for this self-test is as follows:

  0-7 – Some problems with sexual behavior

  8-14 – Early stage of sexual addiction

  15-21 – Middle stage of sexual addiction

  22-28 – Late stage of sexual addiction

  When is it time to get help for sexual addiction? As soon as we recognize it’s become a problem in our lives. Sex addicts can get help by working through sexual abuse issues, improving their self-esteem, attending 12-step groups, reading self-help

  books, and seeing a counselor to discuss issues of sexual addiction.

  Chapter 6 – Healing Sexual Addiction

  “All addictions lead to negative consequences.”

  -Jason Goodwin

  As survivors of sexual abuse, many of us feel that something was taken away from us. We were overpowered, taken advantage of, or forced to engage in sexual acts against our will.

  Sexual abuse can lead to unhealthy beliefs about who we are, what we are “good for,” and what sex is all about. Some of us reacted to the trauma of sexual abuse by approaching sex. We learned to medicate our fears by developing patterns and behaviors that made us feel safe and in control.

  We avoided committed relationships so we could move from one partner to the next any time we wanted. A night of casual sex held no commitments, no obligations, and no expectations for true intimacy. We kept a stash of money so we could hire a prostitute or “go out” any time of the day or night. We turned to pornography because it made us feel that we were in control over when, how, and how often we expressed our sexual feelings.

  Some of us reacted to the trauma of sexual abuse by avoiding sex. This
was an attempt to avoid what we feared. We didn’t want to talk about sex or think about it. We had difficulty developing relationships, because we were always trying to avoid sexual intimacy. We were afraid of anyone who wanted to have sex with us. We feared that every potential partner wanted to abuse us.

  For some of us, avoiding sex took the form of overeating. We intentionally made ourselves unattractive. Our fear of sex became so strong that we tried to shut off our sexual feelings or pretend that we were not sexual beings.

  Unfortunately, neither of these approaches leads to control. A sex addict will become a slave to his/her urges, and people who avoid sex often end up feeling lonely and unfulfilled.

  Healthy sex lies somewhere between the extremes. It is unhealthy to avoid sex, but also unhealthy to seek it out obsessively.

  Sexual addictions can turn into a fantasy about power. We fantasize that we can have anything or anyone we want.

  For many of us, our desire for sexual power and control is a reaction to how powerless we felt when we were being abused. Sigmund Freud described “reaction formation” as a defense mechanism in which a person avoids one position by taking a polar opposite position. As sex addicts, we avoid the feeling of sexual powerlessness we experienced during the abuse by seeking total power and control over our own sexual behaviors.

  Some of us become trapped in this unhealthy reaction to the abuse. We turn to sexually addictive behaviors whenever we feel powerless for any reason. Any time our jobs seem too difficult, or things in our life aren’t going according to plan. Instead of facing our negative feelings and working through them, we turn to our sexual addiction to try and restore feelings of power and control.

  Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. It can lead to greater intimacy and make us feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a great stress reliever and can create positive changes in our brain chemistry.

  Dopamine is the primary pleasure chemical in the brain. When we experience orgasm, the level of dopamine that is active in our brain doubles. We feel a rush of pleasure, not unlike the rush people experience when using stimulant drugs like nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, or methamphetamine. It is my belief that some of us become addicted to the physical rush of pleasure that occurs during sex. For some of us, sex becomes a physical, as well as psychological high.

  To heal, we must not overlook the physical component of our addiction. If we are addicted to pleasure chemicals released by our brain during orgasm, we need to abstain from having multiple orgasms. If we have unhealthy beliefs about sex we use to justify or rationalize our addiction, we need to re-examine our beliefs and challenge whichever ones are self-defeating.

  In my experience as a counselor, I find that sex addicts often become cross-addicted to other stimulant drugs, like caffeine, nicotine, cocaine, or methamphetamine. Some sex addicts snort cocaine or use methamphetamine in order to engage in prolonged sexual acts with a partner or to achieve multiple orgasms.

  As sex addicts, we will only overcome our fear of sex, and our obsessive need to control it, by healing the pain of sexual abuse. Most people who never experienced sexual abuse do not have the same fear of sex. They do not avoid sex, nor do they seek it out compulsively. They experience balance in their sexual lives. We too can experience this balance if we make a commitment to heal.

  Women often experience sexual addiction differently than men. Female sex addicts go to bars, “sleep around,” or “hook up” with partners in internet chat-rooms.

  For many women, sexual abuse can lead to a great deal of confusion about their sexuality and how quickly they should have sex in a relationship. They may feel a lot of pressure to have sex on the first date.

  Many women have a hard time walking that fine line between flirting enough to keep a man’s interest and becoming sexual too quickly. This is a double standard that our culture applies to women. Women are encouraged to be highly sexual in some situations, but pure and chaste in others. Female sex addicts are often labeled by our society in negative ways, but tend to receive a great deal of positive attention from men.

  Prostitution is a lifestyle that promises large financial rewards, but leads to major problems. One of my female clients told me that prostitution was one of the most liberating, powerful, and lucrative occupations she’s ever had. Other female clients told me they experienced a great deal of shame and guilt about engaging in this behavior.

  In general, I find that all addictions lead to negative consequences. The client who told me how liberated and powerful she felt as a prostitute wound up spending all of her money on methamphetamine.

  The “adult entertainment industry” promises large financial rewards, but can also be very damaging to the participants. Some “porn stars” consent to being abused onscreen for money. They agree to perform humiliating, degrading, or even sexually abusive acts because they suffer from low self-esteem.

  To break the cycle of abuse, we must learn to never abuse others or ourselves. This means we do not allow others to exploit or abuse us sexually, and we never abuse or exploit our sexual partners.

  It is normal to feel angry about what happened to us, but we need to find healthier ways to release our anger. When we abuse others or ourselves, we only create more pain and fear, more shame and guilt.

  As sex addicts, some of us tried to substitute sex for love. During the abuse, we were given sex when we actually wanted love. As a result, some of us began to confuse the two in our minds. We may have tried to convince ourselves that sex was love. But sex is not love, and it cannot satisfy our need for love. Sexual addiction can actually prevent us from ever getting the love we truly need.

  While sex is a poor substitute for love, it can feel better than neglect. If an abuser used us for sex, we may have thought, “Well, at least he/she wanted me for something.” We decided that being wanted for sex was close enough to being loved.

  But it’s hard to feel good about ourselves when we’re being used. It’s hard to feel good about ourselves when we are starving for the love we truly need. Being loved is an affirmation of who we are, not just “what we’re good for.”

  Women who were sexually abused sometimes turn to prostitution, stripping, or the “adult entertainment industry” because feeling wanted for sex can feel better than neglect or abandonment. But “Johns” don’t care who we are. They only care about the sex we can provide.

  When it’s obvious that others don’t care what’s inside of us, we begin to feel empty. We may begin to fear that the contents of our hearts will never be recognized or validated. We need to feel loved. We need to be held up and cherished for who we are, not just “what we’re good for.”

  We are human beings, with our own hearts and minds. We do not exist for the fulfillment of another person’s desire, but because God recognizes our true value and wants us to live.

  Is it good enough to be a sexual object? Real people are worthy of love. Real people are worthy of respect. How can we make this transition from object to person?

  When engaging in sexually addictive behaviors, we don’t want our sexual conquests to be people at all. We want them to be objects. We want them to be shallow, superficial, hypersexual, and eager to please. We want them to be empty.

  We don’t want to know how they’re feeling. Sex addicts usually feel powerless and harbor a lot of pain. Sexual providers are hurting too. Yet both try to deny the pain they feel inside.

  An object doesn’t have feelings. That’s why we treat others and ourselves as objects. Instead of owning our pain and working through it, we pretend that we feel nothing.

  To heal this wound within our soul, we must learn to nourish ourselves, love ourselves, and allow ourselves to feel. We are human. We cannot hide from the pain inside of us. There’s nowhere to run.

  Pain is only as powerful as we allow it to be. When we allow ourselves to release our painful emotions, our addictions grow weaker with time. Given enough healing, we can overcome our addiction to sex.

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nbsp; Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #1: Sexual Addiction and Broken Relationships

  When I was abused, I wanted love but received only contempt. Over time, I grew tired of always wanting something I could never have. So at the age of nine, I began to substitute something I could have. Something I could control.

  Over time, my relationships became increasingly sexual in nature. I kept trying to convince myself that sex was just as good as love. I tried to convince myself that sexual intimacy was just as good as emotional intimacy. But sex without love is unfulfilling. I was lying to myself. I experienced a lot of sexual pleasure, but was void of emotional gratification. Sex always left me wanting more.

  My sexual addiction was an effort to convince myself that I didn’t need true love and intimacy in my life. I had never received the kind of love I wanted during the abuse, so I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need it as an adult.

  But I do need love.

  In the past, not getting the love I needed was agony. The pain was too much to bear. So I tried to substitute anything I could to numb the pain. Even when I knew it wouldn’t work. Even when I knew it was a lie. Even when I knew I was only hurting myself.

  The agony of trying to live without love fueled my denial, my failed compensations, and my hopelessness. Without love, I am lost.

  I realize now that my past, failed relationships were the result of my sexual addiction. In the past, I made stupid, illogical choices. Choices that were based on getting sex, because I thought that’s all I wanted. I overlooked or ignored the important parts of a relationship. Things like love, trust, intimacy, and support.

  Personal Journal Entries

  Entry #2: Quitting Sexual Addiction

  Sexual addiction is of group of sexual behaviors that lead to obsessions, compulsions, and shame.