“You’re sorry?” Surprise shook her. “What on earth for?” She breathed the musky scent of his shirt, grateful to be able to keep her eyes lowered and allowed herself the luxury of leaning against him. He wrapped his arms more tightly around her. “This entire mess was all my fault.”
“No.” She could feel him shake his head against her hair. “I was a thoughtless idiot. It’s obvious you’re going through a rough spot in your life. But instead of giving us time to know and trust each other, all I wanted to do was make love to you.”
She nestled against his shoulder, feeling his heart thudding in his chest. It was a strong, soothing sound. She let it fill her senses. The solid beat and rhythmic movement of his heart and his faint, masculine smell, were calming. She curled closer into his arms, feeling completely warm and safe.
Several minutes of silence passed, wrapped in a wordless cocoon. Micki knew she should be leaving. Putting distance between herself and this horrible evening. But it wasn’t easy to leave while Adam was holding her.
A sudden thought cut into her peace. Oh my God, I’ve backed down from a dare! I’ve never done that before. She lifted her head to protest the thought and that movement caused her mind to swirl in a mad flurry, thinking of Adam, reliving the evening. Remembering Danny.
No! That’s too painful!
She placed her head back down on Adam’s chest and forced herself to focus on her job and the systematic, routine motions of debugging a network card and installing new PCs. The images soothed her and, slowly, thoughts of those mechanical tasks pushed all her other memories to one side.
When she felt back in some semblance of control, she sat up, although she kept herself wrapped in Adam’s arms. “Thank you, Adam.” Her voice trembled with the aftermath of her tears.
“It’s all right, Micki.” He reached out to brush her cheek. “In fact, if you’d like to, we could spend the rest of the night right here in front of the fire. Just dozing and talking. How about it?”
“I can’t stay.” Her voice was getting stronger, though still a little unsteady.
“Are you sure you’ll be all right by yourself?” Adam took her shoulders and held her away from him, searching her eyes. “I’d really rather you stay. The spare bedroom is made up.”
“No. I’m okay.” By now her voice was calm and steady. “It was just a panic attack, that’s all. I get them sometimes.” It was amazing how self-assured she sounded. If she kept this up, she might even manage to fool herself. She pulled farther away, sitting upright, trying to regain some shreds of her dignity. “I’d best be going. No need for you to drive me home. I can call a taxi.”
“Not yet, Micki. I hate to think of you alone in your apartment tonight. The spare bedroom would be so much more comfortable.”
“My apartment’s fine.”
He reluctantly let her pull out of his arms. “Have some tea, first. Please? We need to talk.”
I can’t stay here, talking to Adam. That would be the worst thing I could do. But he looked so unhappy and it really was all her fault. And her apartment sounded cold and lonely. She found herself nodding her head.
He turned and poured the tea. Handing one cup to her, he watched as she took a sip. “Your ex-boyfriend hurt you, didn’t he?”
Oh, God! She nearly choked on her drink, sloshing some against the sides of her cup. She hastily put the tea on the table. This was a completely unexpected turn of events. I knew I should have left already. I’ve really got to learn to stay away from Adam Laurence.
Adam nodded, approving his own logic. She could almost see the wheels turn in his head. “You must have had a bad relationship and you haven’t gotten over it, have you?”
Oh, no. Here comes the review of the evening. I hope there aren’t any essay questions. Well. If Adam thought he had stumbled onto the secret to her past, he was dead wrong. But it would certainly be easiest to just let him go on believing he was right.
She frowned in thought. In fact, it really boils down to one simple truth, doesn’t it? Adam said he hates liars and I’m spinning a whopper. Or, maybe not lying, exactly, but at least I’m letting him believe his own analysis of the situation. He’s bound to be furious when he finds out the truth. She paused to consider, wishing desperately she’d brought her own car and could just leave Adam’s house now, without having to endure a painful post-mortem.
Of course, he could only be furious if he ever finds out I’m lying. All I need to do is stay away from him.
Adam settled himself comfortably against the back of the sofa, the cup and saucer in hand and examined her over its rim. “I’d like to know what happened, Micki. Who the bastard was and what he did to you.”
“It’s too painful, Adam.” That much was the truth, anyway.
“I know, darling. But letting your feelings out in the open is the only way you’re ever going to conquer them.”
Letting my feelings out in the open. She wondered what he’d say if she took his arm and drove him out to a small cabin in the woods. A cabin that had haunted her for the last three years. He’d think she was crazy, that’s what. And he wouldn’t be far wrong at that.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she finally said.
“All right.” He accepted her refusal with reluctant grace. “But I hope I can convince you to see someone. A certified counselor. Someone you can talk with who can help you through your pain.”
“I will, Adam. Thanks.” She quickly lifted her teacup to her mouth to hide a cynical grimace. If he only knew the incredible number of counselors she’d already been to. Psychiatrists. Psychologists. Hypnotists. She remembered each and every one of them with bitterness. Not a single expert had been of any help whatsoever.
He nodded his head, but his movements revealed his uncertainty. “I just don’t know what our next step should be,” he mused, staring into his tea. “You certainly weren’t ready for tonight. What could we have done differently? Should I not have asked you here at all?”
“I guess not.” Her breathing quickened in panic at the words and she forced herself to exhale deeply and slowly. “You saw what just happened. I can’t do this.” She grimaced, knowing she was going to sound exactly like the fool she was. “I thought this would be wonderful fun. You are,” she nearly smiled at the understatement, “by far the sexiest man I have ever met.”
“Well, that’s something,” he said mildly. Giving an immodest tilt of his head, he added, “I don’t normally cause allergic reactions in women.”
“I can imagine,” she said wryly. She tried to keep her tone light. “Besides, I backed down from a dare tonight, I’ll have you know. I’m still upset with myself for doing that. It’s the first time in my life that’s happened.”
“You dared yourself to make love to me?” At her nod, he continued, “Well there’s an interesting twist. So what went wrong?”
“I’m not exactly sure, Adam. Besides, what do you care? There must be lots of women eager to take my place.” Tears welled up in her eyes as a sense of desolate helplessness overwhelmed her. “I need to stay in control. And you’re…” Her voice broke. “You’re overwhelming.”
“There are no other women, Micki. And I don’t need to control you. You have to give me a chance. I’m not at all like he was.” Adam had a determined set to his jaw. “You’ll see. I think you’ll like having me around.”
Of course Adam needed control. That’s what he lived for. “Thank you, Adam. But for now, I think I’ll leave you to do the dishes, while I call a taxi and vamoose.”
“Oh no.” His head jerked up at that. “I really don’t want you to go at all.” He met her eyes. “In fact, I’d like to kiss you.”
“What? You can’t be serious.”
“We were friends before this evening went so far off course. I’d like to have that feeling of trust back between the two of us. Can you trust me with a kiss?”
His voice was calm, giving her the option of backing out if she felt uncomfortable.
She sat quit
e still. Why not? It would be a pleasant memory she could use to help drown out the rest of the disastrous evening. A keepsake from Adam, as it were. He wanted to encourage her trust, she wanted a memento of what might have been. The knot in her stomach had subsided and she was afraid of moving too fast and bringing it back again, so she sat quietly and said, “Please do.”
He held her arm and led her back down onto the couch. His mouth was gentle and probing, softly tasting her as they kissed. She melted against him and sighed, then pulled back against his arms. He gave her a questioning look. “Are you all right?”
“I just want to look at you for a moment,” she whispered softly. “In the light.” I’d like to remember the man I almost made love to.
He reached out to lead her hand to his face. Kissing her palms lightly, he dropped his hand and Micki picked up where he’d left off. She traced his mouth with a delicate touch and ran a finger down the outline of his nose and cheekbones. His eyes grew hazy and his steady, intense look turned to one of unfulfilled desire.
Adam stood up abruptly and she groaned, as all the warmth of the evening seemed to stand up with him. “What’s wrong?” she asked. But she knew. He was leaving her, of course. Like everyone she had ever loved before him. She just had to make her own exit fast.
“You’re fragile tonight and I can’t risk taking advantage of you.” He touched the side of her face lightly. “You’re a very seductive woman, Micki. But I want you to know, I’m not like your ex-boyfriend.”
By the time she stood up, Adam was already moving around the room, picking up their cups and putting the remnants of their dinner onto the tray. “I’ll drive you home and we can decide tomorrow where we go from here.”
His words rang in her ears. Where we go from here. Well, where would he want to go with a neurotic woman?
Obviously, Adam could find much more amusing women to date than herself. Women who weren’t carrying around all the baggage from their past. Women who knew how to make love to a man without falling to pieces.
But, she reminded herself proudly, I’ll be leaving this city soon enough. When my contract’s up, I’ll be out of here in no time. I am the one controlling my own destiny. Adam doesn’t have any hold on me.
As if reading her thoughts, Adam stepped quickly in front of her. Placing one hand on the wall, he blocked her path. “I care about you Micki. Always remember that. I’ll drive you home now. But I’ll come around to see you tomorrow.”
I won’t be home. Just these last few minutes had proven she wasn’t to be trusted around Adam. She smiled, her face pale and cold. It didn’t matter what he said. Adam Laurence brought back too many painful memories. She couldn’t allow herself to see him again.
Chapter Seven
Micki tried to keep from glancing at the clock for what was going on the millionth time. She kept her face averted, looking around at anything in the room except the blasted clock ticking loudly on a bookcase, but she still couldn’t keep her eyes from sliding over toward dial. A quarter past eleven. It was going to be a long, slow day. The morning wasn’t even over and there was still the entire afternoon to get through.
I’ve got to do something. She stood up abruptly and strode with determination across the room to her bedroom door, then stood, rooted on the spot, at a loss for what to do. For a fleeting moment her face wore the expression of a lost child trying not to cry. Then her chin jutted fiercely forward again, her quivering lips pursed tightly shut and she walked quickly back to the kitchen.
“Another cup of coffee. That’s all I need,” Micki said aloud.
Her unsteady hands spilled coffee grounds across the countertop as she started another pot. As it brewed, she moved slowly around the place. The apartment was much the same as the other apartments she had stayed in over the past two years. Not much to distract her. She had some novels, just purchased, lying unread on the coffee table. She stood over the stack and thumbed through the top one, barely seeing the flash of type pass by. Today was definitely the wrong day to try and focus on a book.
She looked around and sighed. It was, as Adam had said, a barren and lifeless apartment. She hated to admit he was right, but there was no getting around it. And it was claustrophobic, as well. Only eleven nineteen now and the walls were closing in.
She was sorry, now, that she had decided to get rid of Adam’s flowers. They had been delivered a few days earlier, by a fresh-faced young woman in a florist van who had stared at them in admiration. Lovely roses they were, velvety soft, in a gorgeous array of yellows, oranges and reds, with several buds just showing and their scent subtle but sweet. The blooms would have lasted a week or more, would have at least given her something to look at. But they were definitely too much of a reminder of what else she was throwing away. She had given the entire arrangement to a nursing home on her way into work the next morning.
She walked over to the window and stared out. A quiet morning in a quiet neighborhood. Everyone would be inside on a day like today.
Just as she thought that, an older man dressed in a business suit with an enormous black umbrella strode into view and she watched him intently, pleased by the distraction. He had a briefcase swinging from his hand and was walking from the direction of the bus stop. He passed in front of her window, rounded a corner and disappeared out of sight.
Does he have a wife to greet him? Children who love him? A dog moping by the door waiting for him to come home? A totally rounded life to live?
Feeling cold, she dug a sweater out of the closet. It was warm and luxurious, but it didn’t seem to keep the encroaching chill at bay. She poured herself a fresh cup of coffee, carefully measured out some half and half and moved restlessly back to the living room.
The phone rang. Her heart raced and a sick feeling began rising deep in her stomach. It would be Adam, of course. Again. He had left five messages since the last disastrous weekend. She had listened to each and every one with her heart in her throat. It was a mystery to her as to why she was listening. Some kind of perverse masochism, she had decided. Still, she couldn’t seem to stop herself.
The first messages had been kind. Full of thoughtful words about past relationships and breaking up. Blah, blah, she had thought impatiently. With his last two, she could sense his growing irritation. She waited to hear what tone he would take this time.
“Micki!” He practically shouted into the phone. Uh-oh, she thought. This one was going to be downright curt. “I know you’re listening. Pick up the phone now!”
“What?” she muttered, staring at the machine. “Who in the world do you think you are?” Whether she was masochistic or not, this was ridiculous. She resisted the impulse to shove the phone off the table and, instead, turned the volume as far down as possible, making the words inaudible.
The number six began flashing on the answering machine’s message indicator in a surprisingly short amount of time. She raised her eyebrows at it. “A quick message this time, is it Mr. Laurence? Running out of our goodwill, are we?”
She couldn’t help but wonder what he’d said, but rather than play it back, she turned her back on the machine and picked up her coffee.
Erasing his messages would be the obvious thing to do. She had even tried a couple of times, but something had kept her from pushing the delete button on Adam’s voice. She really wasn’t sure what she was going to do with them. Maybe she’d take them with her to the next town. Buy a new phone and put this one in storage. Maybe in a year or two, she could bear to listen to them and hear Adam talking to her again.
I wonder where he’s at now? She couldn’t help but picture him, standing on his deck with the gorgeous view of Mt. Rainier. He didn’t have worry lines, she remembered and he wouldn’t have any now. Was he calling her on his cell phone? She shivered.
It was a cold and blustery gray old Saturday, one week from when they’d had their date. He was bound to give up this pursuit soon. From the sound of his voice on this last message, this might be it. Would he call another girlfri
end, a more willing girlfriend, to pick up where the two of them had left off? Her stomach curled at the thought.
She forced herself back into action. Seattle was an enormous city. There must be a million things to do. She retrieved yesterday’s paper from the recycle bin and turned to the Scenes magazine. Oh, yes. Lots of activities. Movies. Book readings by the authors. Shopping. Cafes. She passed over the craft fair events with a quick shiver. The concert at the waterfront sounded interesting, with a popular trio singing blues-country tunes. It was a lovely spot. She really ought to go.
But I don’t want to do it alone! I hate being alone! Tears welled up in her eyes. What’s the point of going to interesting places if you can’t share it with anyone?
“Darn Adam for pushing me!” she shouted out loud. “Darn me for walking away from what could have been the perfect relationship! And darn Danny for—“
Her voice dropped abruptly. She couldn’t possibly blame Danny for what had happened.
It had all been her fault.
She briefly toyed with the thought of calling Jan. It would be a pleasure to listen to her voice, to get Jan’s advice. But nope, she decided resolutely. That just wouldn’t do. Jan was far too close to Adam. Jan would, almost undoubtedly tell Adam all about their conversation.
She could call the couple of people she socialized with at the office. She picked up her purse and dug her phone list out, staring at the names. She wasn’t particularly close to any of them and she had never called them before. They would be curious why she was calling now and she really didn’t feel like answering questions. She just wanted company, an easy companionable silence.
On impulse, Micki picked up the phone and called Melinda. Melinda was an acquaintance from work, a clerk in the accounting department. She was friendly, gregarious and a complete and total chatterbox. Micki hoped she’d spend so much time talking about her own activities, she wouldn’t have time to ask questions.
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