Fast Forward

by Juliet Madison

  But Ryan simply walked over to the microphone along with Ben, who sat at a small drum set—how did I not notice a set of drums in my living room before? Another young guy picked up two guitars, handing one to Ryan, who held onto the stem of the microphone and looked in my direction. “Mum, this one’s for you.”

  He strummed the guitar and a rhythmic melody filled the air, accompanied by Ben’s slow and steady beat on the drums and the other guy’s twang on his guitar. Guests gathered around, some swaying to the music with their loved one, while I stood in the centre, my eyes fixed on the sight before me and ears taking in the unexpected beauty of the music my son was creating.

  Then he sang, his slow crooning tone perfect, merging with the music.

  ‘The one whose gifts she shared,

  The one who always cared,

  Mum … she’s the one.’

  They were just words, but the way he sang them with such emotion and conviction, it was as though they were pebbles dropping into a pool of joy, their impact spreading outwards in loving ripples.

  ‘She never left my side,

  She taught me to express, not hide,

  Mum … she’s the one.’

  Guests turned on the light on their e-pads and held them up in the air, waving and swaying them to the music like they were candles and I did the same, while a smile played on my lips.

  ‘When times were so tough I thought I’d die,

  She held me till my tears were dry,

  Mum … she’s the one …

  And as I get ready to leave the nest,

  I want you to know you’ve been the best,

  Mum … she’s the one …

  Yes, Mum … you’re the one.’

  His voice lifted high on the last note, raising a swirl of emotion to the roof and letting it float softly back down, filling the room as he drew the words out in one slow, last breath.

  He bowed his head and stood still for a moment as applause lifted the energy of the room back up to the roof. My heart pulsing and filling with pride, I walked up to Ryan—my son—and slid my arms around his back as a lone tear slid down my face.

  Chapter 16

  Be Careful What You Wish For

  “Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?”

  –Bobby Kelton

  Our embrace broke as a high-pitched tapping rang through the air. Will approached the microphone, tapping at a glass with a spoon and Ryan moved to the side to allow his father to take centre stage.

  “If I could have everyone’s attention, please. The time has come for me to say a few words about my darling wife, Kelli. I’ve taken the liberty of creating a little show for you, so pull up a pod and enjoy.” He put down his glass and picked up a remote, like the one I used at the meeting and pointed it at a blank area of wall behind him. A screen grew to life, showing a picture of me along with a heading: Fifty Years of Kelli McSnelly—Oh joy.

  A song I didn’t recognise played and an image of myself as a rosy-cheeked baby appeared, much to my embarrassment. The image transitioned to another of me as a four-year-old, standing on top of the tree house Dad had built. Kasey was also in the picture, stuck on the bottom rung of the ladder, as she’d been too scared of heights at that age. There were school photos, ranging from the younger years to the early teenage years and photos of me with my friends at a birthday party; my fifteenth from memory. Cringing, I wondered if I’d really thought floral dresses were cool?

  This was my life - set to music. As if aware of the rapid shift in my life from age twenty five, the song’s tempo intensified and pictures I didn’t recall faded in and out on the screen. Will and I at our engagement party and wedding, arms entwined with wine glasses in our hands. My heart raced as I discovered this life of mine one picture at a time, the gap between when I went to bed last night and this very moment gradually being filled. I tapped my foot to the music and also because I was anxious to see the next picture.

  Oh my God. Was that my stomach? In the photo I was standing side-on, one hand placed over my swollen belly, ready to pop at any moment. The next picture showed me in the hospital holding a squashed up little human and smiling like I’d been given the best present of my life. I glanced over at Diora sitting on a pod in the Bliss Garden, her glossy eyes fixed on the screen, rubbing her belly and felt a warm pang of an emotion I’d never experienced before.

  The photos continued … Diora as a tiara-wearing toddler, commanding the room with her toy microphone and another hospital photo, this time with baby Ryan whose hair must have had delayed growth because he was completely bald. Willing my eyes not to blink so as to not miss a moment, I glued them to the wall as photos of me with Will and the children graced the screen.

  On Diora’s first day of school I had red blotches under my eyes and a tissue in my hand, the other hand holding firmly onto Diora’s. There was the four of us on holiday at a water park, my hands outstretched to catch Ryan at the bottom of the water slide. I laughed, along with all my guests at the photo of me and Diora at a festival with our faces painted like cats, and Will and I collapsed on the floor during a game of Twister.

  There were several photos of me, Elaine and Diora dressed in our costumes for the production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. My face was scrunched up to suit my Grumpy character. Not very becoming at all, but funny nonetheless and probably the trigger for the beginning of my crow’s feet and forehead furrows—definitely the lip wrinkles.

  More photos slid by, including me working at a large table, drawing designs onto paper and glancing up at the camera with a look of peace. Another where I was dressed in a suit and standing in front of a display table full of homewares from KC Interiors, and another right at the moment of opening a bottle of wine, my face turned away from the liquid spraying everywhere. Next was a picture of me with a group of about ten sitting on the beach at night, eating fish and chips, with the heading ‘Kelli’s 49th birthday’. A caption above my image said, ‘This is the most memorable birthday ever,’ and the one above Ryan said, ‘You just wait till next year, Mum.’ Boy, was he right or what?

  And finally, a photo of our family on the skiing trip where I broke my ribs, followed by the video of my bungy jump from this morning, luckily without a close-up view of my screams for life. Strange, to see the jump from an outsider’s point of view, when my memory felt so different to what it looked like on the screen. At the end of the video, the music ended with a photo of me as I was today, smiling and wrapped in a woolly jumper. Everyone cheered, raising their clapping hands in the air, some raising their tubes of champagne. I nodded my thanks at everyone and Will tapped his glass again.

  “Wasn’t that great? I’m so proud of Kelli,” Will said, as the crowd quietened down to listen to the man of the house speak. “When we first met, Kelli was a twelve-year-old towering beauty, while I was a pudgy kid with pimples. Somehow, the universe conspired to bring us together again years later and before I could pinch myself, Kelli had accepted my proposal and become my wife.”

  “That’s my bro!” One of Will’s brothers cheered and draped an arm around me, his beer breath filling my nostrils. “Ah, you’ve made my brother very happy, Kel.”

  “He’s er … made me very happy too,” I replied.

  Will blew me a kiss before continuing. “I must admit, when I was younger I was overwhelmed by her stunning beauty, but as I got to know her, I became more overwhelmed by her amazing creative talents, not to mention her inner drive and passion. Separately, we are quite different, but together, we fit. Like two opposing pieces of a puzzle, or a lock and a key, we’re a perfect match.” Will took a deep breath and his Superman chest puffed outwards. “Kelli, honey, you’re the reason I get up every day, you’re the reason I smile before I go to sleep every night and you’re my inspiration to keep being the best I can be. You’re the love of my life.”

  His voice faltered at the last few words and a slight trembling vibrated my lower lip as I placed
an appreciative hand over my heart. He walked towards me and I met him in the middle, allowing myself to soften into his arms. Despite his costume I could feel his heart beating in sync with mine. We stood like that for a few moments until he pulled back.

  “I forgot, I have another present for you!” Will scurried over to a corner table and lifted a lamp, under which another envelope was hiding. He took residence in front of the microphone again. “In honour of the life we’ve shared together and this momentous occasion, I wanted to treat Kelli and myself to a special birthday gift. Open it, honey.” He thrust the envelope in my hand and I ripped it open. I couldn’t care less if it was another intimate photo shoot, or a voucher for a couple’s tantric yoga class, I was beyond feeling embarrassed. I simply buzzed with the excitement and joy of being in the moment.

  Everyone stood by in silence as they awaited my response. I gasped on lifting the itinerary from the envelope, then leaned in towards the microphone.

  “Wow, this is amazing.” I looked at the faces fixed on me. “It’s a four week European holiday! Oh Will, I’ve never been overseas, I’ve always wanted to go!” I hugged him.

  “I know you have and I know you gave up your plans of modelling internationally when we started a family and then the business, so I thought it was about time we ventured out of the safety of our own country, see the world!”

  I jumped up and down, excitement bubbling through my veins. The guests cheered again, Elaine shouting, ‘Take me with you!’ and Diora saying, ‘Come back safely, I’ll need you to babysit’, when one of the caterers approached, carrying the triple-layered model of a water fountain that was my birthday cake.

  I hadn’t noticed its pure brilliance before, the white, almost silvery frosting embracing each layer and the dangling sprays of edible silver baubles acting as water streaming from the fountain took my breath away. It was a masterpiece. Elaine moved towards it with her mouth gaping, clasping her chest. She was practically having a coronary just looking at it.

  The caterer placed the cake on a small table nearby and gestured for me to sit in front of it. The lone candle flickered backwards and forwards, as though unsure which direction to go … and then my heart stopped.

  My cake. The time had arrived. The moment I’d been waiting for sat in front of me with an open invitation to my old life. Yet I was that flame, rocking backwards and forwards between two worlds.

  “Happy birthday to you,

  Happy birthday to you,

  Happy birthday dear Kelli,

  Happy birthday to you!”

  Forty or so voices filled the room but all I could hear was the ticking of my mind.

  Tick, tock, tick tock, past, future, past, future …

  “Aren’t you going to make a wish and blow out your candle?” Ryan asked.

  I sat there, frozen, despite the flame tempting me with its inviting glow. I glanced around at all the people, my friends and family, urging me on, their love and support diffusing through every fibre of my being. Will … the words from his speech echoed in my mind and thoughts that I might feel the same way about him jumped around in confusion. At that moment, I was me and I was happy.

  Could it be that good old William McSnelly had brought out the best in me? Rescued my heart from its Prada snakeskin enclosure and set it free? What about Diora and Ryan? If I went back and married Grant, they’d never exist. Their life would never happen. Diora’s baby would never happen. All day I’d known what I wanted, but now, with the opportunity waiting, I couldn’t decide. The life I’d planned or the life I’d glimpsed today?

  I glanced around one last time, my friends and family clapping rhythmically and chanting, ‘Kel-li, Kel-li, Kel-li …’ and sucked in the deepest breath possible, air filling and expanding my lungs. The flame blurred under my focused glare and I blew out the air from my lungs as hard as I could. The scent of smoke and melted wax wafted in the air as I clamped my eyes shut.

  Chapter 17

  Rebirth

  “Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.”

  – Buddha

  I kept my eyes closed as voices emerged around me, counting and clapping hands … one clap for each birthday. If they stopped at twenty five it meant I was back home. I kept my eyes shut tight as the count passed eighteen. Was this it, I wondered as they reached twenty five. Was I back? The counting continued. When I’d blown out the candles, I hadn’t wished to go back and I hadn’t wished to stay. I’d wished for the best possible life for me to unfold as it should. Taking another breath, my eyes inched open to a blur of smiling faces around me. Fifty!

  “Happy birthday, Kelli!” The claps stopped their repetition and dispersed into a random cacophony. My eyes darted towards Will, snapping photos and to Ryan, thumping his lizard tail on the floor in rhythmic enthusiasm and Diora, seated on her pod in the Bliss Garden nearby, her smile radiating to space. I was home. Not home as I knew it, but home where my heart was.

  “Speech, speech, speech, speech …” the crowd chorused and Ryan lifted me to my feet towards the microphone, while my mind struggled to think of what to say.

  I tapped the microphone to check it was working. “Thanks, everyone, thank you so much. Wow, where do I start? It’s been an amazing day, I—”

  “Uh-oh,” Diora called. Ryan leapt towards her with a gasp and his hands flew to his face as the giant origami lotus under Diora’s pod wilted from dampness. “My water broke!” An apologetic smile flashed across Diora’s face.

  “My lotus broke!” Ryan knelt down at the dying flower’s side, then shot back up again. “Your water broke? Mum, Dad, her water broke! Where’s Jason?”

  Dumbledore flew to his wife’s side. “Are you okay? Do you feel okay?”

  She nodded, but rubbed her belly. “Well, I have been getting these twinges all day. Maybe they’re not just Braxton Hicks after all.”

  My daughter was in labour! Talk about timing, my birthday speeches always seemed to get interrupted.

  Will’s frozen shock quickly melted and he shot into action. “Right, Jason—you and I will help Diora into your car. Kelli—you grab a towel and some water just in case. Oh, and scissors!”

  “What do you need scissors for?” I asked, although the same could have been asked of me earlier.

  “The umbilical cord.”

  “I don’t think things will progress that fast, the pre-natal classes told us it could be around twelve hours before the baby comes out,” Jason said.

  “Owww,” Diora moaned. “I think I’m having a contraction.” Jason rubbed her back and waited for it to pass while I grabbed the supplies. Although, it took me a while to find the towel since there weren’t any in the bathroom. I couldn’t exactly bring the whole body-dryer thing-a-ma-jig with me. I eventually found one tucked away in a linen cupboard in the hallway and returned to my daughter’s side. The party guests hovered about trying to appear helpful.

  “Mum, I want you to come with me. You’ve been through this, I need you with me,” Diora’s eyes pleaded.

  “I’ll go too,” Will said. I’ll sit in the front while Jason drives and keep him calm. Honey, you can look after Diora in the back. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I think. I’d never seen anyone in labour before. I’d only seen those horror shows they made us watch in school—the ones that make you never want to have children.

  “You guys go, I’ll look after things here,” Ryan said, ripping off his lizard mask and gesturing to the stunned caterers. “Could we get coffees and teas all round, please and make sure everyone gets a slice of cake. Mum, quick, you just need to make the first cut on the cake! It’s bad luck to have someone else do it.”

  I looked towards the cake, then back at Diora and back at the cake again. “Okay then.” I raced to the cake and a caterer handed me a large knife. As I pushed it through the firm yet yielding sponge, I made another wish. That Diora’s birth would go smoothly, and that she and the baby would remain healthy. Satisfied with my intention,
I turned to Ryan. “Save me a piece, will you?”

  “I’ll save you the biggest piece of all, Mum.” He smiled and I hugged him briefly before saying a quick thanks to all the guests and returned to where Jason and Will helped Diora towards the front door. My daughter needed me and I wasn’t going to leave her side.

  “Do you need us to come too?” Marge called out after us as we walked down the front steps.

  “Thanks Beryl, but I think she’ll be right with the three of us. We’ll call you with any news,” Jason said.

  Beryl, so that’s my mother-in-law’s name. Beryl McSnelly. Poor woman.

  “I reckon it’ll be a boy!” Homer called out, his belly taking up more universal space than Diora’s.

  “No, Reg, it’ll be a girl, I tell you,” Beryl replied, before closing the door.

  Reg McSnelly.

  Diora stopped by the side of the car. “Oooh, my stomach’s tightening. God, this is weird. Oww …” She leaned forwards onto the car and I rubbed her back while Jason started up the engine. Will opened the passenger side door and lay down a towel, placing the scissors into the pocket behind the driver’s seat and the water bottle in the drink holder. Jason took a sip of coffee through the straw of his in-built coffee machine, before turning his head around.

  “How’s it going?”

  “Can’t … speak,” Diora panted through her contraction.

  “I think this one’s just about done, then we’ll get in,” I said, as Diora’s face relaxed again. “Okay, in we go.” I helped her angle into the passenger seat and offered her a sip of water, which she pushed away.

  “I don’t want any,” she said, a tear running down her face. “I’m scared, Mum. What if I can’t handle the pain?”

  “Oh, sweetie,” Jason began. “Do you want me to come back there with you?”

  “No! Just drive and get me to hospital. I need my mum,” she blurted and another tear escaped. “Sorry, hon, I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed.”

  Jason extended his hand behind the seat and rubbed her knee before returning it to the steering wheel and driving down the road.