by Alexa Davis
I liked to picture her as the sort of woman who would know what to do in a heartbeat. She would be able to tell me whether or not I should even consider investing in Annie’s company with the terms on offer. If I thought about it properly, I imagined her telling me that it was time to worry about settling down, rather than worrying about making more money, and that Annie was the perfect girl to do it with. She would probably be angling for grandkids, and she’d assume that this was the closest I’d ever gotten. She would probably adore Rae, too…
Of course, this was all in my head. Mom could have been totally different in reality, but since I would never get the chance to know for sure, the imaginary picture that I had of her in my mind was all I knew.
Anyway, I eventually shook my head and snapped back into action, while carefully placing the picture back down on my desk. It was time to get back to work. I still had a lot to do.
Chapter Eighteen
Annie – Monday
I decided to shut the shop up early on the Monday for two reasons. One, Nancy had plans with her new guy, which I was more than happy to accommodate, and two, because the place was dead. It was cold and rainy, not the ideal weather to be out and about in, which meant nothing was happening.
I wanted to do something else. I felt like I needed a change of scenery.
“Shall we go and see Grandma?” I asked Rae, the idea just popping into my mind. I liked to see my mom as much as possible, which was easier ever since she’d moved to Glenada to be nearer to me, but it just wasn’t always possible. I was always so busy, which was why this was the perfect chance.
Luckily for me, she was very sociable, so she had her own life, so it didn’t matter too much that I wasn’t around too much.
“Yeah, I wanna see Grandma!” Rae exclaimed excitedly. “Do you think she’ll have any candy?”
“She always does,” I smiled happily. “Come on, let’s go into the car. I’ll call Grandma on the way.”
As I locked the door behind me, I felt a heavy weight lift from my shoulders. I wasn’t sure how deeply I would discuss everything with Mom, but it would be nice to get at least some advice from the one person who truly had my best interests at heart. Talking to her was always the answer…
***
“Hey, Mom, the garden looks great,” I called through the front door to her home. It was one of the saddest times of my life last year when my dad passed away, but I was glad to have some family nearer. “You’ve been working hard.”
As she came out into the hallway, and Rae dove into her arms, I was taken back a little bit by how good she looked. Of course, the sadness was still behind her eyes, that wasn’t going anywhere now that Dad was no longer around, but the lifestyle of Oregon clearly suited her.
“Hey, you two, it’s good to see you,” she smiled. “It’s been so long. How have you been?”
Even though she wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty, I did all the same. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just been so crazy at the shop.”
“Oh, I know. I’m just happy to see you.” She put Rae down, who instantly raced into the kitchen to try to find something to eat, and pulled me in for a loving hug. Instantly, she made me feel much better, in the way that only a mother could. “Would you like a drink?”
“We better go into the kitchen anyway, if you want anything left!”
As we sat at the dining table, with Rae happily playing with Mom’s cat, I started to fill her in on everything that had been happening since I last saw her – most importantly, the possible investment.
“So, you know how long I’ve wanted to expand, and I really think that Boffees could do well in other places, too, but I’m really starting to wonder how much I’m willing to sacrifice to make that happen, you know? It’s all a little overwhelming now, to be honest, happening much quicker, and not quite in the way that I imagined it would.”
She held my hands for a moment and looked loving at me. “You know that I’m proud of you, whatever you do, right? Your dad was, too. The fact that you’ve come from nothing, that you opened your store despite what happened…well, that’s something to be very happy about.
“I don’t know what you should do next. I always worked for other people rather than running anything myself, but I do know that you should follow your heart. You are a smart girl, very astute, and you’ll make the right decision.”
“Thank you, Mom,” I smiled at her, my eyes blurry with happy tears. “That means a lot.”
Of course, there was a lot that she wasn’t saying with that statement, but it didn’t need to be vocalized. We both knew what I’d been through, what I’d overcome; what I always wanted to do was keep on moving forwards.
“So, tell me about you, Mom. How is life here?”
“It’s good,” she smiled at me, allowing me to change the subject. “My friends from the knitting club are planning a trip soon, so I might be away for a week or so.”
“That sounds nice,” I replied, pleased for her. “You should have a lot of fun.”
She went on to tell me some of the gossip from the town, about people I barely knew or didn’t know at all, but I listened happily regardless. I was happy to be her rock, in the same way that she’d been for me. I smiled and nodded along, even when I didn’t know what she going on about really.
“So, Rae,” she eventually turned her attention back to my daughter. “How are you? What have you been up to?”
“I helped Mommy in the shop!” she exclaimed happily. “And, Nancy took me to the park the other day, that was really fun. And, Justin came to our house for a date with Mommy, but he got called away so he couldn’t say bye.”
Even though that wasn’t the case, I felt my face heat up regardless. In Rae’s babble of chatter, she’d managed to burst out something that I wasn’t discussing on purpose. I knew that Mom was keen for me to move on and find happiness again, which was the reason I would have kept any dating from her before it got serious. Not that there had been any dating, or that there was any here for that matter…not really. Just one minor mishap.
“It wasn’t a date,” I insisted, maybe a little too quickly. “Justin is the man who might be investing in the company.” Urgh, that sounded seedy to say aloud, like I was being tricked and used.
“Tell me all about him,” Mom asked me, but it wasn’t me who answered.
“He’s tall,” Rae jumped in. “And, he plays lots of games with me. I like him, he’s fun.”
Mom didn’t break eye contact with me the entire time, and I honestly found it a real struggle to keep my emotions from my face. The last thing I wanted was for her to know that I’d had a crazy one-night stand with the man who I wanted to give me money! So I talked quickly about this business side of things, instead.
“We’re actually going up to Portland over the weekend so I can see the investment company, see if it’s for me.”
“What about Rae?” I could tell there was a look in her eye, but I didn’t want to acknowledge that. It could lead to so many awkward questions.
“She’s coming with me. Nancy, too, hopefully!” I still hadn’t asked her about it yet, it had totally slipped my mind. I would get to it tomorrow.
“Well, why doesn’t Rae come here to stay?” Mom asked me, giving me a totally different option. “She’s only stayed here once since I’ve lived here. I would love to have her.”
“Yes, Mom, I want to stay with Grandma!” Rae practically screamed. “I would love that!”
It did mean that I didn’t have to drag Nancy away from her life, but the thought of going to Portland alone filled me with an odd fear. It was almost too date-like, and I was doing everything I could to stay away from that line.
“Okay, if that’s what you want,” I told her with a smile. “I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun.”
I decided to leave it a little longer before making the solid decision to leave her there because it wasn’t that long ago that she was excited about a vacation, so I would see how she felt come Friday.
“Erm…yeah,” Mom’s face went deadly pale and her eyes met mine. “I’ll see what I can do; now why don’t you go and see if there’s anything good on the television.”
I was freaking out as Rae left the room, panicking about how big this was becoming. I had feared that she wouldn’t let this drop, but I hadn’t realized quite how insistent she would be.
“Oh God, I’m sorry, Mom. She asked me the other day and I told her he’s in Heaven. That’s when she started on about the pictures. If I thought she would bring it up to you, I would have warned you in advance.”
“Hey, don’t worry, it’s okay,” she did her best to reassure me. “I know this must be hard for you, and it had to come up eventually. Maybe I wasn’t quite expecting it now, but there you go. Rae always has been too switched on for her own good.”
“Yeah, I don’t know how long I can keep putting her off for,” I admitted. “It’s quite scary, really.” I tried to imagine her face when she learned everything about the man who’s helped create her, but it didn’t feel right. She was too little to fully get it.
“Maybe it’s time to just be honest. I think she’ll understand more than you’re giving her credit for.”
I shook my head, panic seeping through my veins. “I will,” I insisted. “I don’t intend to keep her in the dark forever, but she’s too young now. It isn’t fair.”
“None of this is your fault, you know that, right?” she said kindly, gripping on to my shoulder. “You can’t keep taking all of this upon yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Tears streamed down my face before I could even think about stopping them. This was the hardest conversation that I’d had to have in a very long time. I understood where she was coming from, but my emotions weren’t rational and they would always behave in the way that they wanted to, regardless of how many times I told myself otherwise.
“Rae will find out what happened anyway; it’s best to have it come from you. You’ll be able to discuss it with her in the kindest way possible…and only you can answer the questions she’s bound to have.”
“Most of them, anyway,” I said through the as the sobs gripped my heart. “It’s just going to be horrible.”
“I know it is.” She rubbed my back and did her best to make me feel better. “But I’m always here for you, whatever you need.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I hugged her closely, allowing some of the burden to be lifted from my shoulders. “I really appreciate your help.”
“And whenever you feel ready to tell me more about this Justin character, I’m all ears.” There was a teasing in her tone now, one that told me she could see right through my façade, which actually had me giggling a little bit.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, trying to sound cool and calm. “Like I said, he’s just the potential investor.”
“Hmm, I’m not too sure about that,” she pulled back to smile at me. “But we’ll see.”
As she went to flick the kettle back on, I flushed at the memory of Justin naked again. That night, however much of a mistake it was, had impacted me deeply and I honestly wasn’t sure where we went from here. I was unsure about the whole investment plan, I didn’t know how we could be around one another in such a business-like way…it was all just a big mess.
Hopefully, the trip to Portland would clarify everything. Hopefully, I would come away from it with a stronger sense of what I wanted in every area of my life.
Chapter Nineteen
Justin – Thursday
As I wandered down the stairs, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I was proud to see Garrett already awake, dressed in his business suit, and eating a bowl of cereal. It might have been a little while now, but I still found it impressive that my brother was doing the right thing.
It made me want to do something impulsive and spontaneous for him, just to say thanks.
“Are you busy today?” I asked him casually while pouring my own cereal. “What do you have on?”
“Erm…there’s a lot that needs finishing off, but nothing in particular,” he replied, only half listening to me, half watching the news scrolling across the television. “Why do you ask?”
“Do you fancy taking the day off? Coming to watch a Trailblazers game with me?”
That got his attention. He spun his head around to look at me, wide eyed and surprised. “Are you serious?” he gasped. “What, take the day off? Can we do that?”
“Oh yeah, let me just ask the boss,” I grinned cheekily at him. “Of course we can. You’ve been working hard recently; it’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, okay. Let me just change out of my suit.”
As he thundered up the stairs, I felt happy with my decision. Garrett was making huge strides in the right direction, and he deserved recognition for it. I wanted to show him that I was proud and that I appreciated him. This felt like a much easier way to express that. Words didn’t ever really seem to get us anywhere.
I couldn’t help but hope that this would lead to a much better relationship between us, too. I wanted to be able to have brotherly conversations with him all the time. I wanted us to be able to discuss things that normal families did. I hoped this would help us to eventually become that.
The sad thing was we hadn't ever really been close, even before Garrett started going off the rails. I’d always resented him and found him irritating, which probably didn’t help the situation. If I had been a better big brother to him, he might have been able to talk to me about his problems, rather than having to find some other way express himself.
Never mind, there wasn’t anything I could do about the past now. I could make a better future for us, though.
***
“Wow, that was an incredible game!” Garrett exclaimed with a massive smile on his face. “Those points scored in the last few moments were epic.”
“I know,” I chuckled back. “I was on the edge of my seat pretty much the whole time.” We were having such fun that I didn’t want our time together to end, which was why I suggested that we keep hanging out just a little bit longer.
“Would you like to go and grab some dinner? Maybe have some drinks, too?” I knew that drinking was a problem for him, and that he shouldn’t be touching booze on a weekday, but if I was there to keep an eye on him, then I felt like everything would be fine.
“Yeah, sounds great! Where shall we go?”
I pointed to a nearby burger joint, which had a pretty good bar behind, it and we went inside. At first, I was confident in my choice and I knew that I could keep track of things, but the more that time went by, and the quicker Garrett started to sink his drinks, the darker his mood became. I could see it in him; his entire body language started to change, and his expression soured.
“Maybe we should switch to soft drinks,” I tried, needing to put an end to it, but Garrett simply shook his head and yanked his drink back towards him.
“No,” he growled. “I’m enjoying this drink, thank you.”
I sighed deeply, regretting this entirely. “Look, you’ve been doing so well. Just what Dad wanted for you. He wouldn’t like to see you getting wasted.”
“Dad?” he laughed mirthlessly. “Oh yeah, because Dad was a real moral compass.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, preparing myself for a very unwelcome rant. “Why? What do you mean? Dad always did his best by us.”
“Oh my God, you’re so naïve.” He shook his head at me, looking at me like he actually pitied me, which bubbled a hot temper in my stomach. Why the fuck should he pity me? I was the one with my life together, I had the company, the steady life, I was the one making Dad proud. He was the screw up. “Do you really think that about Dad?”
“Well, why wouldn’t I?” I snapped, unable to control my temper now. “He single-handedly raised us after Mom died. He gave us everything that he could,
we owe everything to him.”
“Yeah, even our mom’s death,” he replied coldly, making my blood turn to ice. How dare he say that about Dad? Mom got sick; that couldn’t be helped. I knew that Garrett felt screwed up about all of that, but to go that far in his suggestion was just plain wrong.
“What the fuck are you playing at?”
“Mom wasn’t sick. I don’t know why you even think that. Maybe that’s how your childish brain interpreted the situation.”
“How would you know anything about it?” Everything flared within me, I had no self-control. “You were too young to even remember.”
“But still I know,” he replied cryptically. “Mom killed herself. The first attempt at an overdose failed, which was how she ended up in hospital… Then while she was in there, she used a razor to slit her wrists.”
“No,” I whispered desperately, shaking my head. I could literally feel all of the blood draining from my face. “No, no, no.”
The problem was I could recall something about seeing deep scars on her arm at the time. I’d forgotten about it up until now, but now the memory was there, clear as day. I’d even asked Dad what it was, but he just brushed me off. “No, you’re lying.”
“When I was younger, I can’t remember how young exactly, I found her suicide note tucked away in Dad’s drawer.”
“No, no…” Even though I logically knew that Garrett was telling me the truth, I didn’t want to accept it. It meant that I knew nothing about my life – just at the moment I finally felt settled. “Stop it.”
“She killed herself because Dad kept cheating on her. She couldn’t take it, apparently. According to her letter, she begged him to stop over and over again, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t care about her, or her self-worth; he just treated her like shit all the time.”
“Stop that now,” I warned, the entire image of my father shattering in my mind. “I mean it, Garrett. Don’t ruin a nice day with your lies.”
