by Alexa Davis
*****
Later in the evening, I wasn't quite sure how many hours had passed, things were so much better. The flirty banter between Kerri and Willy had stepped up to a whole new level, and they were now kissing frantically in the corner. There was something between them, an intense chemistry, and to be honest, it was much better with them making out. Before that, the sexual charge between them was almost too difficult to bear.
That was also made easier by the fact that Ashlee and I were now talking, just a little bit. It started off slow, us occasionally being involved in the same chat, but eventually, we were actually talking with one another. The drink was definitely facilitating that, as was the fact that we were carefully steering away from any difficult topics. As long as we kept things light and airy, everything would be fine.
As last call was yelled out across the bar, it quickly became clear Willy was getting to that stage with Kerri after all and they hopped into a cab together, leaving me and Ashlee alone. I wasn't sure if Willy could tell that things were finally okay between us now, or if he simply didn’t care. Luckily, it felt totally natural for us to be by ourselves, which was surprising, considering the way the night had started out.
“Would you like me to walk you home?” I asked, acting ever the gentleman. She wasn't totally wasted, but she was extremely tipsy, so there was no way I would leave her to walk by herself.
“Erm... I’m not sure,” she replied, biting anxiously on the end on her nail. “I feel really bad going back to my mom’s like this... I don't want her to see me in this state.”
“So why not come back to mine?” I shot back quickly. “You haven’t seen my new apartment yet; it’s nothing like my parents’ house whatsoever.”
I could instantly see a spark of recognition in her face, and that made my heart knot up excitedly. If she could recall things about our past as well as I could, it meant that they were stuck in her mind. And if she couldn't forget about them, it meant I still had a chance with her after all, didn’t it?
“You mean it isn’t decorated like a Victorian home?” she said, referring to all our jokes about how old-fashioned my parents always were. They were a lot older when they had me, which clearly showed in everything they did. Their house was filled with all kinds of creepy ornaments, and their parenting style was a little more...neglectful. I certainly was never close to them at any rate. Of course, I was sad when they passed away, but I was more gutted that I’d never ever managed to have a strong connection with them.
“It’s surprisingly modern!”
“Well this I have to see,” she nodded, before slipping her hand into mine, an action that felt as natural as breathing.
I knew for a fact that Ashlee agreeing to come back to my place wasn't an open invitation for us to have sex, but her walking so closely to me, talking to me like I was her best friend all over again, combined with the memory of my parents’ home, reminded me of the one time we did end up in bed together.
We’d been dating for a long time by that point, at least six months as far as I could remember, when she finally decided that she was ready to take things to the next level. I was ecstatic, of course; what teenage boy isn’t thrilled by the news that they are going to lose their virginity? But I was anxious, too. What if I didn’t know what to do? What if she hated every second of it? What if I hurt her badly? I got so wrapped up in the actual act of us doing it, that I didn’t take the time to consider how it might affect our relationship. Of course, back then, I didn’t know what was going to happen directly afterwards.
We arranged it for a night that my parents were away on some mini break, and she came over to my house in a sweet summer dress that instantly gave me a hard on. She didn’t even need to reveal the white, lacy underwear underneath to have me excited, but as soon as I got to see that, it made everything a million times worse.
This was the girl I loved, kissing me, petting me, lying next to me in the most virginal underwear known to man. At one point, I honestly wasn't sure that I was going to make it until the end, but luckily for both of us, I did.
It was awkward, of course it was; neither of us had any previous experience to go off of, but we muddled through it together and magically ended up having a nice time. I certainly had a massive smile on my face afterwards at any rate, and Ashlee had seemed happy, too.
“We should do that again sometime,” I had laughed at her, panting breathlessly, but before she got the chance to answer me, she received a hysterical phone call from her mother – the one where she would learn her father had been killed, after which nothing was ever the same again.
Chapter Ten
Ashlee
Monday
What the hell am I doing, going back home with Matthew? What on Earth is going through my mind? I mean, sure, things had been going well in the pub and my icy outer shell had managed to thaw as the alcohol flooded through my system, but this was on another level entirely. I’d made up the crappy excuse about not going home to my mom in that state on purpose, and now it seemed like I was about to follow through.
Maybe it was because it had been a really long time since I’d felt that chemistry with someone, and even though we’d only had sex once, Matthew was familiar to me. Or maybe it was seeing Kerri so freely throwing caution to the wind with Willy that made me want to do the same.
It seemed like the rest of the world was quite happy to have a little fun without worrying about the consequences, so why couldn't I for a change? I was always sensible, I was always smart, and it hadn’t gotten me anywhere. I was jobless, boyfriendless, and I was close to losing the only person I had left in the world. Why not just act totally wild and out of character for once?
As soon as we reached Matthew’s apartment, the atmosphere kicked up a notch. The friendly banter was still flowing freely between us as we moved from room to room, but there was something thick hanging in the air, and I wondered how long it would be before we stopped ignoring it and finally gave in.
“Well, you weren’t lying.” I grinned at him, the moment I’d seen everything. “It’s definitely different to how your parents had their home.” I wanted to bring up the fact that I knew his parents had passed, but that I hadn’t found out until a long time later, which was why I hadn’t said anything, but I didn’t feel like it was appropriate. It was clear we were avoiding any subjects that might change the mood and open the raw wound of the past, and I felt like this was just another one of those.
“I know. It’s crazy, but I wanted to live in this century for a change,” he laughed. “What a freak, right?”
He handed me a beer, which I accepted gratefully, before sitting next to him on the couch. As I glanced over to him, suddenly noticing exactly how close we were, my heart began to thunder in my chest and lust buzzed in my ears. This was the closest I’d been to Matthew in a decade, and I couldn't deny that it was making my body crazy.
Our eyes locked, and I felt the bottle start to slip from my fingers. I didn’t want it to smash on the ground, making a mess of such a clean apartment, so I leaned to the side, setting it down without breaking eye contact even once. I wasn't sure why, but I felt like our eyes held the magic and that if I let him drift away from me, everything would change. Now that I had him in my sights, I really wanted him and I didn’t want to lose that opportunity.
We stayed there, staring for a couple of seconds, and the next thing I knew, we were kissing frantically, my hands tangled up in his hair, his snaking around my waist, and in that moment, everything felt right with the world. I wasn't sure who had made the first move, but it was clear that we both wanted it, and that was all that mattered.
“Oh God, I’ve missed you,” Matthew groaned against my lips. “You have no idea how much.”
I wanted to tell him that I had missed him, too, that I’d been thinking about him for the past decade, that I had wished a million times that things had gone differently, but I couldn't seem to get the words past my lips. I was already becoming swallowed up by the em
otions, consumed by the sensations that were coursing merrily through my body, so in the end, I decided to just go with that. He was making me feel good, and considering the shitty few days I’d had, that was nothing short of a miracle, and I couldn't argue with that.
“Let’s go to my bedroom,” he eventually gasped as his mouth worked its way over my neck and his fingers ever so lightly trailed up and down my thighs. “We’ll be more comfortable there.”
This was it: my moment to be smart, my chance to stand up and walk away, leaving this a forgettable split-second of madness we would never have to discuss again, but I already knew that wasn't going to happen. I’d opened the can of worms; it was time to delve inside.
“Sounds good,” I whispered as a reply, while my eyes flickered shut and my head lolled to one side in ecstasy. “Let’s go.”
Matthew stood up, practically dragging me kicking and screaming from the bubble of pleasure that we’d been floating in only moments before, and he held his hand out to me, grabbing mine before leading me down the hallway.
As we moved through his home, my focus was only on the back of him; his dark hair, cropped closely to his head, his rippling shoulder muscles that hadn’t been there the last time we were together, that toned butt of his, and the excitement within me grew. This was going to be the experience of a lifetime, I could just tell: nothing like the first and only time we’d been together. We were older now, with more experience under our belts, and I felt that would make things incredible.
As we reached his bedroom, that heady, dizzy lust consumed my brain once more, and I simply allowed him to walk me backwards until I collapsed happily onto the sheets beneath me, just because his mouth was on mine. There was something about his lips, something incredible, and in that moment, I honestly felt like he could have had me doing anything.
He slipped my dress up over my head, allowing his hands to flow over my skin as he did, heightening every sensation. As soon as I was lying there in only my underwear, his eyes lit up with happiness. There was a fire in his gaze, a strong desire behind his eyes that had me squirming and writhing uncontrollably on the bed. I was starting to get the feeling that if I didn’t have him now, I might just die.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against me, making my heart flutter. “So very gorgeous.”
With that, an intense neediness overtook, and I began yanking at his top, needing to see what was underneath there. What I found was a body that had been a decade in the making. Matthew had always been strong and muscular, but he’d never had a six pack before. This was new, and I wanted to know more.
As I ran my fingers over his body and down towards his jeans, Matthew leaned in and unhooked my bra, exposing my heaving breasts. They didn’t have even a second to get cold because his mouth was all over them, tugging and teasing at my nipples, his tongue flickering everywhere, and all I could focus on was that thick erection pressing against my legs.
“I need you,” I panted loudly. “Matthew, I need you now; it’s been far too long.”
I shut my eyes and gripped tightly to the sheets beneath me as I heard the distinctive sound of his pants being removed. A few seconds followed this, in which I assumed that he was removing his underwear, too. I wanted to look, to see him, but for some reason, I felt too anxious to do so, which left me waiting there, expectantly.
And that was how I stayed, until I felt my panties yanked down as if they were the most inconvenient item of clothing in the whole damn world. My eyes snapped open at that to find Matthew hovering over me, his face close to me.
“Are you sure?” he panted into my mouth. I found it sweet that he was being so caring about me when he clearly needed me so damn badly, but that wasn't what I needed. I didn’t want him to be a gentleman – I wanted him to claim me, to devour me whole.
“I’m sure,” I replied desperately. “I’ve never been surer about anything in my whole damn life.”
Luckily for me, he didn’t need telling twice; he seemed to sense how utterly badly I needed him, so he slid that amazing, thick length into me, causing me to arch my back against him in sheer joy. He felt amazing – utterly incredible and even better than I remembered – and I honestly wasn't sure how long I could hold it together.
As he thrust against me, getting harder every time, I clung to him, digging my nails into his back, losing myself with him.
“Oh fuck,” I moaned enthusiastically, fully giving myself to him. “Oh fuck, Matt, you feel phenomenal.”
He replied, but I could barely hear him because the desire was buzzing painfully in my ears, my heart was bursting from my chest, and my breaths were so ragged and labored that I feared my lungs might explode. The pleasure was building, creeping up through me like stream, sending my body into a tense ball, about to spasm at any given moment.
And then the waves crashed over me, shattering through my body, buckling and caressing me in equal measures. I’d never had an orgasm like it. I felt like it was never going to end, and in that moment, I honestly never wanted it to.
*****
“Ngh,” I muttered as I woke up with a jolt a few hours later. My mind was tricking me, trying to convince me in my dreams that I’d done something totally crazy, and it made me feel a little weird.
Shit, none of that was a dream. It was all real, and Matthews’s peaceful, sleeping body next to me was undeniable evidence. I’d slept with him, had a drunken night of sex, and now...
Now, I was facing the cold, sober light of day and I didn’t like what I’d done one bit. Didn’t I convince myself to leave the past behind me where I knew it couldn't hurt me? What the hell had I been thinking? What did I expect would happen?
There was only one thing that I knew for sure, and that was that I couldn’t face him after that – no way! I needed to get out of there before Matthew woke up and forced us into an awkward morning after conversation.
With my heart racing, I snuck around as quietly as I could and grabbed my clothing from the bedroom. Clutching them tightly in my hand, I raced on my tiptoes out into the hallway to get myself dressed there. I wasn't looking forward to the long walk of shame home, but it beat the alternative; it beat having any kind of serious conversation with Matthew. That was something I could do without.
Then without even one glance backwards, I crept towards the front door and clicked it behind me as I faced the light of early morning. It was cold, and I would be stared at if anyone saw me, but I still felt relieved.
That was a mistake I wouldn’t make again. I couldn't if I wanted to keep my heart intact. I would have to put it behind me, see it only as a moment of weakness at a difficult time in my life. Now wasn't the time to be worrying about stupid stuff like that; I needed to focus on my mother, instead.
Chapter Eleven
Matthew
Tuesday
My hand flopped across the bed, expecting to find the warm body of Ashlee lying next to me. The night had been crazy in the heat of the moment, but I had the undeniable sensation that it was about to lead to something great. At least that tough barrier had fallen; at least she’d thawed a little.
It was great to go back to being us once more, the old me and Ashlee before things turned shitty, and it made me feel whole all over again. It made me realize I’d been lost for a very long time.
But she wasn't there.
I patted the space where I knew she’d been, noticing it was cold. My body bolted upright, my heart racing with a pure, icy terror. If the sheets weren’t still warm, it meant she’d left a while before and chances were she wasn't still in my home.
“Fucking hell,” I muttered angrily to myself, feeling that familiar sensation of abandonment coursing through my veins. Why did it always end up this way when we ended up having sex? I mean, sure, I knew it wasn't exactly her fault last time, but I couldn't stop that odd sense of resentment from being there regardless.
The phone call. I couldn't help remembering it and the giant hole it tore into our lives.
We’
d just had the best time ever; I’d felt like me and Ashlee were going to be together forever. We already had plans to attend the same college, to make things work, and I naively thought we had what it took. That was until her phone rang with that horrible, devastating news, and everything fell apart.
To me, Ashlee’s dad was the coolest guy on the planet. Not only was he much younger than mine, meaning that he knew about what was going on with my world – he understood the music I liked and the TV shows I watched – he also wanted to spend time with me. He often took me out on his fishing boat, went to football games with me, and on the odd occasion, he took me out on his motorcycle. That was amazing: driving along, feeling the wind race past me, my heart pounding at a million miles an hour. Little did I know that was going to be the thing that killed him.
I didn’t find out the details until much later, but from what I understood, he popped out to the grocery store on a simple errand to pick up some milk because they’d run out. Something to innocuous, so every day, it didn’t feel fair. The roads were wet, there were leaves everywhere, and at some point, he must have skidded into a tree.
As Ashlee pulled on her clothes and tore from the room, she didn’t even look at me. She didn’t even let me in a little bit. I knew she was hurting – that man was her everything – but she’d completely shut me out. She didn’t even say goodbye; she didn’t even acknowledge me... She just left.
I’d slumped on the bed alone, throwing my head into my hands, succumbing to the grief. That man had been the most prominent male figure in my life, and he was just gone. I couldn't understand it, I didn’t know how to wrap my head around it, so I simply fell apart. I crumbled where I was and sobbed until I felt sick, until I thought I might die myself.
I had tried to piece myself back together a little bit, knowing I needed to be strong for Ashlee. I forced my own grief down, burying it deep inside of me while I was a pillar of strength for her, but all she did was push me away. Every time I offered her my support, she ignored me; every time I tried to do things for her, she yelled at me; and every time I tried to tell her that I was in pain, too, she treated me like I meant nothing to her.
