by Alexa Davis
Now with hindsight, I could see that she just didn’t know how to feel, but at the time, I felt put out. How could she not understand what I was going through myself?
I knew about Harry’s graduation party; we all did. He’d been bragging about it for months, about how his parents were out of town and leaving the mansion to him, but I’d never considered going. I wasn't friends with that crowd anyway, so why the hell would I? But with Ashlee forcing me far, far away from her, I couldn't see the harm. I needed to blow off some steam, to get drunk and forget about everything, so in the end I made the rash, snap decision to just go.
I had a shit time, fucking awful, surrounded by pretentious, douchey people that I didn’t give two shits about. The only good thing to come of it was the fact that I ended up getting just about as drunk as I needed to, but somehow it didn’t make me feel any better at all. If anything, I felt a million times worse.
I staggered home, feeling sick and dejected, just to get a massive lecture from my mother. Ashlee had come around to see me, looking like she actually needed me for the first time since all of this had happened, and I was nowhere to be found. I instantly tried to call her and message her, but I got nothing back. She’d clearly shut back down again.
I probably shouldn’t have gone to see her right then, when I was drunk and stupid, but of course, I was young and stupid, and I really didn’t know any better.
“Fuck,” I practically yelled, before forcing myself to get out of bed and to get moving. I couldn't simply lie there, wallowing in my pain, not when I had to get to work. I had another distraction this time, one that was a little healthier, so I needed to get my mind zoned in on that, instead.
*****
As soon as I stepped into the office, Terri bounded over to me like an excitably puppy, instantly sending a cringe bursting right through me. I couldn’t tolerate her, not after I’d just slept with someone who I actually cared about in more than a friendship way, someone who had actually blown me off.
It was ironic that the only person I was willing to break my no sleep overrule for was the one who vanished in the middle of the night. Maybe this was my karma; maybe this was what I deserved for brushing off so many people in the past. I tried to work out how many people I might have inadvertently hurt in my mission to fill the hole that Ashlee had left behind, and for a second, my heart hurt a little.
“How are you today?” Terri grinned seductively at me, sending me a wink. “It feels like forever since I’ve seen you.”
Normally that statement would have had me rock hard, and I would have instantly been planning our next visit to the janitor’s closet, but today, it did nothing to me.
Everything about Terri that once had me more turned on than I ever felt possible, now did absolutely nothing for me. I sighed quietly to myself, knowing things between us were done. Even if things had gone to shit between me and Ashlee, I couldn't go back anymore. I probably should have cut things off with Terri a long time ago, anyway.
“I’m fine,” I replied quietly. “I just...need a coffee.”
I tried to push past her to walk into the canteen by myself, but unfortunately, she followed me there. “Are you okay?” she insisted, not letting me go. “You seem a little...off?”
“Yes, I’m just tired. And hungover. And busy.”
I felt bad as I closed the door behind me, effectively shutting her out. I didn’t want to be the kind of dirt bag who shut someone out just because I’d moved on, but at the same time, I was starting to fear what Willy had said to me was true. If Terri had spent this whole time slowly developing feelings for me, despite my insistence not to, then it was going to take me a long time to get things back to normal with her. Would we be able to continue working together when I made her see that we were nothing? Or would she end up causing trouble for me?
I never should have dipped my pen in the company ink. I should have known that was going to be a mistake right away. Now, I was going to have to deal with the consequences of that.
*****
I couldn't face going back home as soon as my shift was over, so I headed over to Willy’s boat, instead. I needed his advice on my current situation, and even though I was going to have to tell him some stuff he didn’t yet know, I knew it was the only way I could get the insight from an outsider I so desperately needed.
“So, you and Ashlee, huh?” he nudged me, grinning like a fool almost the second I stepped up onto his boat. “I don't think any of us were expecting that one.”
“Least of all me,” I admitted, unsure if I wanted to get right into it. “So, what happened with you and Kerri?” Maybe if I heard his story first, it would loosen me up a little, but it seemed like I wasn't about to get lucky with that one.
“No, I asked first, come on. The last thing I heard about you two was some crazy, stupid, teenage argument where you broke up over something silly... Is that all in the past now? Are we going for Ashlee and Matthew 2.0?”
“Not exactly.” I sat down, and he copied me, leaning in to listen closer. “I thought we might be able to restart things, it certainly seemed like we were heading in that direction, but in the morning, she was just...gone.”
I stared at my feet, feeling like a fucking idiot for having to say this aloud. I was supposed to be a playboy, a screw around who didn’t care. This was utterly humiliating to have to talk about. “So, I guess the past isn’t behind us, after all.”
“That seems a little crazy to me,” Willy sighed. “Over some decade-old argument?”
“Well, there’s a little more to it than that.” My heart thundered as I opened yet another wound. “I think the final nail for the both of us was the fact that I didn’t go to her father’s funeral.”
“You didn’t?” he all but yelled. “But you were closer to him than you were your own dad! You didn’t even go to support her? You didn’t push all your bullshit aside?”
“Don't you think I know that?” I yelled in retaliation. “It’s haunted me for years, but I just couldn't do it. I felt like after we’d broken up, she wouldn’t want to see me and that I’d make things worse. I didn’t feel like I deserved to go.”
“Wow, dude,” Willy stared at me with confusion in his eyes, as if seeing a new side of me, one that he didn’t quite like. “I don't know what to say about that. No wonder she’s mad! What the hell are you going to do now?”
I shrugged my shoulders sadly, feeling that never-ending question flow right through me. What could I do now? Was there any hope, or had last night proven that we could never get things back, no matter how hard we tried?
Chapter Twelve
Ashlee
Wednesday
Tuesday passed me by in a hungover haze. I didn’t know what the hell to do with my weary, aching body and my frantic, racing mind, so I forced myself to get lost in some trashy TV, sleeping on and off throughout. Mom kept asking about how the night had gone, whilst making jokes about me having a little too much fun, which I couldn't even begin to reply to.
If only she knew.
Mom had always liked Matthew, that had to be said. Both her and my dad liked him very much. In fact, my friendship with him was one of the main reasons they were glad to have moved to Florence.
We initially came because of dad’s work, but when his new job didn’t quite work out, they both made the effort to stay so that I didn’t have to leave Matthew. At the time, I had been extremely grateful for that, but afterwards, I felt like I might have done better if we’d moved earlier on.
She was there the night of the argument, of course, that dreaded night where he came to my house too drunk to even give a shit about my college acceptances, but she was far too wrapped up in her own grief to let that affect her opinion of Matthew. She was wallowing, growing increasingly depressed, endlessly blaming herself for sending Dad out to buy milk that night, which made her totally unreachable.
She didn’t even slightly start to come out of that until she escaped Florence, but then again, neither did I. We bot
h needed that break away to come back into ourselves.
Some terrible things were said during that argument, words I didn’t even want to remember, but every now and again they cropped back into my mind, haunting me like a clingy ghost that didn’t want to let go. Of course, the day after, we’d hooked up once more as I was feeling fragile and out of control; I couldn’t even begin to stop myself from recalling it over and over again.
I was crying on the bed when he knocked on the door. I couldn’t believe that he’d betrayed me in such a way. Sure, I’d been a little distant recently, but I thought that was understandable considering all that I’d been through. I didn’t want to move; I wanted to stay in my pit of misery where I felt safe, but I knew that Mom wasn't about to get up and speak to whoever was there, so I didn’t have any choice.
As soon as I saw his face, all slack and emotionless from intoxication, I folded my arms defiantly across my chest.
“What do you want?” I snapped at him. “Shouldn’t you be at your little party?”
After that, he launched into a totally self-sympathetic speech about how he was struggling, too, and about how I was ignoring his needs – his needs! I couldn't fucking believe it.
Admittedly, now I could see that I overreacted by telling him that he was a selfish dickhead who only cared about himself. I probably shouldn’t have said that I hated his fucking guts and that I never wanted to see him again... But he wasn't perfect, either.
He told me that I thought I was better than him, that I thought I was the only one who deserved to be upset. He said that if I couldn't see his point of view, then there was no point in us even trying to have a future together. As soon as those words left his lips, I recalled my acceptance letter from New York University and made the snap irrational decision that I would go there.
“Get out of here,” I sneered nastily at him. “We’re done. I never want to see you again. You’re the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” And, I slammed the door in his face, closing it on him for the very last time. I never saw him again.
I expected him to come to my father’s funeral despite everything else. I thought he would push it all aside to support me, that the years before would mean enough for him to ignore one, tiny argument. I even assumed that we might make up with one another and we’d end up back together... But it seemed like his stupid, drunken grudge was more important than me.
As I put my father in the ground and said goodbye to him, I waved off everything else in my life, too. I decided to say goodbye to Florence, to my old friends, to everything that connected me to him.
Most of all, I said goodbye to Matthew. That had to be it for us, the end forever. I needed to see the move as a positive start, as a new beginning where I would find someone who truly deserved my time, someone new. Among all the sadness, I found a positivity, too, and I did all that I could to simply roll with that.
After that, I focused getting on to the next stage in my life. I concentrated on university, and that was all I cared about. I didn’t contact anyone in Florence, I isolated myself, and as I drove off knowing that I would never be back, I actually felt good.
Of course, now I was dealing with the after effects of that life, which cut even deeper, considering it didn’t quite turn out as I’d planed...
“Urgh,” I growled angrily, sorting through what felt like a massive pile of unpaid bills. I’d only just managed to fully organize my mail being redirected, and what I’d received was the most unwelcome set of mail known to man.
“What is it?” Kerri asked, sending Grant off to go and watch cartoons with my mom. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s just the stress of not having money to pay off these student loans. I need a job, and it’s winding me up that I haven’t got one...but I can’t talk to Mom about it. I lied to her and told her that I almost had something lined up, just to stop her from worrying.” I rubbed my head hard, trying to make the headache go away. “On top of that, this house is falling apart. I didn’t realize how much had gone to hell in the last few years.”
“What do you mean?” Kerri sat beside me, staring at me with concern in her eyes.
“There’s a load of trouble with the roof, and I’m honestly scared that it’ll collapse within the next few weeks... Not to mention Mom’s medical bills.”
A tight, hot knot of panic started to twist its way into my gut, making me feel a little sick. How the fuck was I going to deal with all of this in the short time that I had? I needed a job, now; I needed a whole bunch of money – now – and without that, I would end up with nothing.
“You’ll have to win the lottery,” Kerri half joked. “I know it’s a one in a million shot, but someone has to win!”
“Yeah... I think I have a better chance of getting hired on the spot right now,” I replied wryly, looking down at my scruffy pajamas and chuckling. “I might pick up a ticket if I remember, but I think what I really need to do is get online and trawl the job boards. If you hear anything, let me know, won’t you?”
“Of course I will,” she nodded, taking my hand in hers. “I know that it feels a little crap now, but you’ll get through it. You’re as tough as your mother, and you’ve been through worse.”
I couldn't discuss that any longer; it was making me feel sick. Thinking about worse times took me right back into losing my dad, and I was doing my best to avoid that. I’d spent all day wallowing in it; today was supposed to be moving forward, focusing on something else other than Matthew for a change.
I had to change the subject, and I needed to do it quickly. “So, what happened with you and Willy?” I smiled thinly, needing anything to distract me, even if it would lead to a sordid description of what Willy was like in bed. I couldn't remember ever having too deep of a conversation with Kerri in the past, but my friends in New York used to give me intense, graphic descriptions that I really didn’t need. “Was it a whole lot of fun?”
But much to my surprise, her face fell at the mere mention of Willy’s name. Uh oh, had I just stumbled across something awkward?
“I don't know what I was thinking,” she said sadly. “Why the hell did I have my beer goggles on around Willy? Why the hell did I allow him to touch me with his uneducated fish hands?”
I didn’t know how to respond to that; it seemed a little harsh to me. I’d never heard Kerri be pointedly nasty about someone before, which made me think that there was something more to it. Maybe she had real feelings for him, or maybe he was coming on far too strong for her? I wanted to ask, but the steely expression that had overcome her face made me think she didn’t want to talk about it further.
“Well, I don't know what I was thinking, either,” I admitted, accepting that I needed to talk about what I wanted to avoid, if only to cheer my friend up. I’d made a mistake, too, so I hoped that would ease her pain. “Sleeping with Matthew was a huge no.”
“You didn’t, did you?” she exclaimed in shock. “I thought there was something there, but I didn’t know you’d actually gone the whole hog. Was that...the first time?”
Of course, I’d never told her before because I’d been distracted afterwards. “No, we did it once when we were younger, but it was nothing like that this time. Things were totally different.”
“And you don't think that maybe...you should go back there?” she asked me cautiously, almost bracing herself for the long line of abuse that might come her way.
I didn’t react like that, though; I wasn't mad. I could see why she’d think I’d want to. After all, the past was a long time ago and there was clearly a lot of chemistry still there, but I just wasn't sure I could just forget. I might have wanted to, but actually doing it was something else. Plus, there was the undeniable fact that we’d been out of one another’s lives for far too long, we didn’t know anything about each other anymore. What if I still couldn't trust him?
My heart had only just gone a little way to sealing back up into a whole organ again. I didn’t think that reopening that wound was going to
be good for me – or him, to be honest. Sure, a lot of our mistakes had been because we were young and stupid, but the damage was real and seriously long lasting.
“I think what we need to do is find a new bar,” I eventually replied carefully. “I know that there isn’t much choice in Florence, but there has to be somewhere we can go!”
“Maybe you’re right,” Kerri sighed, seemingly avoiding eye contact with me. “Neither of us want to make that mistake again!”
“You can say that again.”
With that, we burst into semi-hysterical laughter, giving in to our crazy emotions. Sure, I could tell that Kerri was going through something, and I hoped that we would eventually get to a stage where she felt comfortable enough to tell me. But for now, I was just happy to have her there, cheering me up and making me laugh.
Chapter Thirteen
Matthew
Thursday, Doctor’s Office
I felt a pair of hands wrapping around my eyes, a gesture that would have once made me chuckle lightly, but today only irritated me.
No matter how much I attempted to distance myself and make it clear to Terri that we were done, she was not getting the hint. I felt like I was getting to the point where I was just going to have to have a brutal, honest conversation with her, but it wasn't the time. I was about to head into an appointment with Peggy, and I had no idea whether Ashlee was going to be with her.
My mind was all tied up in knots about the prospect of seeing Ashlee again after what had happened. She hadn’t even attempted to be in touch, and neither had I. I couldn't, not when I had no idea where her head was at. Was she going to hate me? Would things be uncomfortable?
