by Alexa Davis
“Okay, she’s in room two-eight-six.”
I raced off without even giving thanks. My head was all over the place, spinning so wildly that being polite didn’t even come into it anymore. Suddenly, I was transported back to the teenager who didn’t know what to do when her dad died. I felt lost, alone, like my feet couldn't touch the ground, and I almost fell to the ground.
“Ashlee!”
I spun around as a familiar voice called out from behind me, relief flooding through me. He was there; Kerri had called Matthew and he must have come right away. I gave up in that moment and allowed the tears to finally flow from my eyes. With him there to be strong for me, I could finally allow some of it to crack.
“Kerri called me,” he confirmed. “I came right away. Have you seen your mom yet?”
“No,” I sobbed into his chest, allowing his embrace to comfort me a little bit. “No, but she’s in room two-eight-six.”
He pulled back to look at me, staring straight into my eyes as he held onto my shoulders, which was just about the only thing that was holding me upright. “I’m here with you now; you aren’t alone. So don't panic. Whatever you need, I’ll do. Whatever help I can give you, I will.”
I nodded slowly, allowing that information to flow through me. I wasn't alone this time, he was here with me, which could only be a good thing. I had someone that I could whole heartedly lean on. “Thank you,” I eventually whispered.
“Now, you need to let me go into her room first, to speak to her doctor, then I will come back for you.”
“No chance,” I shook my head firmly. There was no way that I would let Matthew deal with it all. I was glad that he was there for me to rely on, but I wasn't going to leave everything to him. I needed answers, damn it, and I would find them out no matter what. “I need to speak to the doctor; I have to know what went wrong.”
Couldn't he see that I was feeling bad enough? There was so much guilt coursing through my veins that whatever happened to Mom, happened to her while she was by herself. I was out of the house, buying food that we probably didn’t need. I should have been there, I should have been supporting her, but I wasn't. I wouldn’t blow past this, either.
“I really think-” Matthew tried in an overly calm tone of voice, but I shot him down right away.
“It doesn’t matter what you think; I’m coming with you.”
Luckily, he seemed to sense how serious I was because he eventually nodded curtly, and he stepped aside for me to walk alongside him towards the room where she was waiting for us. My heart thundered, hoping that the few moments we just spent arguing over that wouldn’t have been a lot of wasted time.
“Miss Baker?” a doctor attracted my attention just before I got to the room. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”
“Erm, yes sure.” He took us aside into his office, which felt like a bad move. I tried to glance towards Matthew to see what he was making of all of this, but he was pointedly staring forwards, as if he couldn't bear to look at me.
We sat down in chairs, both of us perched on the edge of the seats, waiting for what felt like a lifetime for the doctor to speak out. My eyes felt fuzzy, my stomach sick, like I was living in some horrific nightmare that wasn't ending no matter how hard I tried to wake up.
“So, we got a call from your mother a few hours before, and the paramedics went out right away. They found her collapsed on the floor, and in a terrible state.”
I closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears inside as this image filled my mind. Why didn’t I know that was going to happen? Why wasn't I there? Why didn’t Mom stop me from going to the store? She must have known that she felt sick! Why did she have to be so damn proud all the time? I didn’t want her to be strong; I wanted her to rely on me. “We brought her in, but unfortunately...”
No, no, no.
“I’m sorry to say...”
Oh, God no.
“that she didn’t make it.”
A guttural wail burst from my chest as I felt myself fall apart right there and then. This could not be happening; he could not be telling me that my mother was dead. There was no way that I could handle that. I thought that I would have more time to prepare, to come to terms with it, but it seemed like I was wrong. Even though I knew Mom was sick and that things didn’t look good, it still felt far too soon.
I tried to stand up, to get the hell out of the room, and away from the hospital, but my legs couldn't handle it. They simply gave way beneath me, causing me to collapse into a pathetic, crumbling heap on the ground. Matthew tucked his arms underneath me and tried to lift me upright, but I was like dead weight. It was as if all the energy and effort had been zapped from my body, and there wasn't a damn thing that I could do about it.
Mom... she’s gone.
It’s only me left.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I’d left my life in New York behind with the sole intention of helping her to recover. I thought that I would be able to bring her back to full health, and I would make some decisions then. I didn’t think for one second that it would end this way. Of course, I didn’t regret coming back; it meant that I’d managed to spend my mother’s last days with her, but it hurt like fucking hell.
The door clicked as the doctor left the room, and in that moment, Matthew pulled me closer to him, embracing me hard. I fell against him, wanting him to be a tower of strength for me, but I couldn't help feeling like I was still all by myself. He got it, I knew he did, but my grief wasn't rational. It was already making me feel a little crazy.
“Shhh,” Matthew rocked me gently, trying to stop the endless tears. “I’m here now; I’ll help you. Like I said before, I’ll do whatever I can to make this easier for you. Do you need me to do anything right now? Is there anything to make this any less painful?”
He meant well, and I needed to appreciate that. I pulled back to look into his eyes, where I spotted a whole bunch of tears there too. I wouldn’t make the same mistake as last time; I would know that he was grieving as well. “Will you come with me?” I asked him, clinging tightly onto his hands. “To see Mom, I mean? I don't want to do it by myself.”
“Of course I will,” he reassured me, seemingly glad to have something to do, some way to help. “Whatever you need.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Matthew
Monday
I sat by Ashlee’s side the entire time as she met with the funeral director, offering my opinion only when asked for it. It was an awful, uncomfortable feeling that took me back to the time when I had to do it for my own parents, but I was willing to go through all of that for her. She needed me, and as much as the situation was an awful one, it allowed me to be there in the way that I hadn’t been last time.
Ashlee was struggling through it all, that much was obvious, but she was pushing through that, being incredibly strong because she needed to be.
When I took her to that hospital room to see her mother’s body, she was a mess. A crumbling mess, but after a while that inner strength took over and she somehow managed to make it through a few phone calls to her extended family to tell them of the news. Luckily, she could just tell them to start passing the message on when it got a little too difficult, allowing her to do just about as much as she could.
After that, her family began descending on her, ensuring that her house was busy and noisy, which was probably exactly what she needed. Wandering around those empty rooms feeling sad would do her no favors. I knew that from my own experience. When my parents died, I could barely stand to be in their home, which caused me to sell it before I was ready to.
I clutched onto her hand while she picked flowers and music, desperately wishing there was more I could do. I wanted to take the reins from her, to do all the hard work so that she didn’t have to, but I couldn't. She needed to do this in her own way; it was the only way she would get any closure.
I was just going to have to be patient, and to stick around no matter what. I was already determined that I
wouldn’t be pushed away this time, however hard Ashlee tried, but it was already becoming clear that it wasn't going to be necessary. Things were being dealt with in a very different way.
“The vicar wants to show me the church,” she leant in and told me quietly. “Do you mind if I do this part by myself?”
“Of course not,” I shot her a weak smile and slipped my hand from hers, feeling a little like I was at a loose end. I supposed that I could head in to work for a while, just to check up on everything, but I didn’t feel that I wanted to be there. I couldn't stand the sympathetic gazes from people, or the kind words. They just brought all the emotion to the surface, and I couldn't handle that.
Every so often, angry bursts of guilt would flow through me, making me feel horrible about what had happened.
Why didn’t I insist that Peggy let me pay for her treatment?
Why did I take up so much of Ashlee’s time when she was alive?
Why didn’t I just do more?
Of course, those thoughts weren’t helpful, and there was nothing I could do about them now, but that didn’t stop them from coming all the same.
“Would you mind popping to my house for me?” she asked, holding out her keys to me. “I need you to get the dragonfly necklace from Mom’s jewelry box, if you don't mind? It was always her favorite, and I think that she would want to be wearing it. I’m sorry to be a pain; I just forgot it when I was picking up her clothes.”
“No trouble,” I shot back instantly. “Anything to help, you know me. Will your family be there?”
“I’m not sure – possibly, but just explain who you are and everything will be fine.”
God, I knew what grieving families were like, and I wasn't sure that they were going to want me around, but again I had to do it because it was what Ashlee needed.
I tried my best to pull myself together on the drive over, but I honestly didn’t feel too much better by the time that I arrived. I just had a feeling that my presence was going to be an intrusive one. What if these people were mad at me for being involved in a funeral that they weren’t? What if they tried to edge me out and that left Ashlee mad at me all over again?
Maybe they aren’t there, I tried with no avail to reassure myself. Maybe everything will be all right.
I slipped the key into the lock, but stopped as soon as I heard voices on the other side. I didn’t feel like I could just let myself in with people there, so I pushed the keys back into my pocket and knocked instead.
As the door swung open, I saw a face that I recognized, but one that I’d never met in person. It was Ashlee’s cousin Michele, from her father’s side, who I’d seen in the family photographs at some point. I could tell that this was the child of her dad’s sister because of her dark hair and high cheekbones. They even had the same, olive-shaped eyes, which was much more obvious in person. I stared at her for a second, blindsided by the similarities, causing her to cough awkwardly.
“Can I help you?” she almost snapped at me, bringing me back to action.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m here for Ashlee.”
“Ashlee isn’t here,” she replied coldly. I wasn't surprised by her attitude; this was a difficult time, after all, but I had the horrible feeling that it was going to make this incredibly hard for me.
“Oh, I know, she...she sent me...” I was starting to flounder, almost to the point where I was ready to give up, when Ashlee’s uncle, Michele’s father, peeked his head around the door.
“Hello there. You’re Ashlee’s doctor friend, aren’t you? She told me all about you last night.” Oh, thank God. “Is everything all right?”
I nodded and smiled gratefully at him. “Ashlee asked me to come and pick up her mom’s dragonfly necklace. She wants it for the funeral.”
“Of course, come on in,” he told me, stepping aside. “Are you being difficult again, Michele?” he rolled his eyes in my direction at that statement, as if this was a common problem.
“I just thought that he might have been a burglar; how am I supposed to know?” she pouted and folded her arms across her chest, giving me a look. It seemed like I’d inadvertently managed to make one enemy without even trying... I hoped that wouldn’t be catching.
Luckily, as I was taken on a whirlwind tour throughout the Baker family, it seemed like Michele was the only one not to like me. Everyone else responded very warmly to me, making me feel incredibly welcome. It didn’t take everyone long to work out that I was much more than just a friend to Ashlee, which set off a Spanish Inquisition, but I thought I did okay. I wasn't kicked out, which I decided to take as a good sign.
Because of that, it took me much longer than I intended it to, to get up the stairs and into Peggy’s room where I knew the jewelry box would be. I’d seen it many times, so I knew that it was red with small, silver elephants on it. I just hoped that it would still be on her dresser because I didn’t feel right going through her drawers.
Luckily, I spotted it right away and I rushed to it, wanting to grab the necklace quickly. Ashlee was probably growing increasingly worried now considering the time I’d taken, and I didn’t want to add to her stress at all. I grabbed hold of it and swung it open, just to find myself with two envelopes in my hand, one addressed to Ashlee in Peggy’s handwriting, and one with my name written across it.
“What the hell?” I muttered to myself, tearing it open with a racing heart. I couldn't understand what Peggy would have to say to me, and I needed to find out right away.
Almost instantly, tears filled my eyes, just imaging her there, writing these words, knowing that the end was near...it broke my heart into a million pieces. I could just picture her sending Ashlee out on that fateful day, knowing how awful she felt, wanting to deal with it alone. That was so much like the tough woman that I’d always known.
‘Dear Matthew,
First off, I just want to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I have no doubt that you’re feeling guilty for not treating me, but please remember that I refused your help. That was my decision to make, and I made it. Not you.
I didn’t want to fight anymore; I didn’t want to go through endless rounds of painful treatment just to have it not work. I wanted to live out the rest of my days knowing what I was doing, and doing the things that made me happy. And I managed that. Spending these precious days with Ashlee, seeing you make her happy, it’s made everything really worth it.’
I couldn't help it anymore; the tears were fully flowing down my face once more. I thought that Peggy would see me as someone in the way, someone who confused her daughter and made her cry, but it seemed like I was very wrong about that one.
‘I want to thank you as well for fixing up the roof and paying off Ashlee’s student loans (I know that was you!) and also for looking after my little girl. She’s strong, we both know that, but I also know that she needs you more than she cares to admit, even to herself.
You have always been a part of our family, whether you like it or not, but if that’s something that you would like to make permanent, I give you my blessing.’
My heart began to pound heavily as I realized just what she was saying: she was giving me permission to marry her daughter. I almost couldn't believe it. That was her trusting me with the one thing that meant the most to her. If that didn’t say family, then I didn’t know what did.
‘There is a ring in this box, in a black case. It’s white gold and has an emerald in it. This belonged to Ashlee’s grandmother, and it would mean the world to me if you used it when you eventually propose. I’m sure that if you make that choice, you will both be incredibly happy, as it’s clear to me that you’re meant to be together, but if you don't...maybe you should burn this letter and move to Mexico!’
I couldn't help but laugh at that, through the tears. That was so typical of Peggy, making light of a very serious situation. The world really did take her too soon; she was one of the good ones.
‘But seriously, thank you so much. You have always been like a son to m
e, and I am very grateful for everything that you’ve done. I will always love you as if you were my own.
Peggy xx’
I almost dropped the letter as I reached in to find the ring box. As I took a glance to the ring inside, I could instantly picture it on Ashlee’s finger; it was perfect for her. A little quirky and unique, and a family heirloom, too. What could be better than that? If I ever did brave that step, and I proposed to Ashlee, this would be the ring that I used.
Suddenly, I heard a clatter on the stairs, and I grabbed the dragonfly necklace before slamming the box shut quickly. I knew that I wouldn’t be alone for much longer and I didn’t want to be caught with everything, making things even more embarrassing.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ashlee
Monday
I paced up and down the funeral home, trying to figure out all the details in my mind. I knew that the guy had told me that I had everything organized and under control, but my brain wasn't quite so willing to accept that. I needed this funeral to be the best damn memory to my mom ever, and I didn’t want a single thing to go wrong.
I have her favorite song lined up, those flowers that she adores, the eulogy almost written...
But however much I tried to convince myself, it wasn't ever going to be enough. My mind was still going to circle until it found a fault.
“Ashlee,” I suddenly heard that voice again, Matthew calling out to me, showing me that he was there. I was starting to see through the cloud of grief now, and I appreciated him for it. He was like the light in a dark situation, the silver lining to the storm cloud that was hanging above my head. “I have something for you.”
“The necklace?” I smiled at him, realizing that my family had probably been something of a nightmare for him. I knew that they could be a handful at best of times, and judging by the amount of time he’d taken, I must have thrown him right in at the deep end.
I couldn't regret them being there, though; they’d been my rock over the last couple of days, creating noise and chaos when I needed it most. I feared that if I’d had any time by myself, I might have fallen apart. I was doing my best to be strong, to hold it all together, but it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.
