He notices me watching him, and I take his eye contact as an invitation to approach him.
I need to apologise.
While I had a right to be angry, I didn’t need old insecurities about our timing and his priorities to make themselves comfortable in our relationship.
Striding towards him, I place my palms on his chest the second I reach him. Covering my hands, we both sigh in relief at the contact.
“I’m sorry.” The words spout out before Jagger has a chance at saying anything.
“You don’t need to apologise to me.” He skims my cheek with his fingertips, my head leaning into his touch. “We’re still learning.”
“I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat.”
“If it makes you feel any better, everyone here knows about you.”
“Even Stacey?” I joke.
“Especially Stacey.”
He kisses the tip of my nose. “Thanks for coming.”
“Always.”
19
Emerson
It’s a Saturday afternoon, and Jagger is napping on the couch while I’m on the recliner flicking through Netflix looking for something to watch. This is the third weekend in a row where I have suggested we go out and he has deliberately shut it down.
I’ve mentioned cafes, the movies, going out with Hendrix, or taking Dakota to the circus. The list is endless, and he’s not interested in any of it.
“Hey.” The front door opens, and a sweaty Hendrix walks in from his run.
“Hey,” I sigh.
Glancing over at Jagger, he looks back at me. “Still didn’t want to go anywhere?”
I shake my head. “I’m really starting to worry.”
“What do you think it is?” He heads to the kitchen and I follow, not wanting to wake Jagger up.
“I’m out of ideas, but I do know if I push him about it, it’s probably going to start World War Three.”
“Maybe you need to fight about it for him to realise it’s serious,” Hendrix offers.
“He’ll take it the wrong way,” I say with certainty. “He will convince himself I want extravagant things that he can’t give me because of his conditions, when it’s not that at all.”
“You might just have to bite the bullet on this one.”
“I’ve thought of it from every angle, and I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he want to leave the house?”
“Maybe get Dakota to pester him about it.”
“Pester me about what?” He eyes us suspiciously, and I look to Hendrix wondering how we managed to not hear him get up.
Thinking of one last tactic, I pray that it makes all the difference. “Do you want to come over and see my place?”
“Umm I guess, but what’s the real difference from here?”
“It’s my place for one. I feel like I only use it as a hotel. An expensive one at that.”
“You can go home then,” he spits out defensively. “Nobody’s forcing you to stay here.”
“Hey, man, what the fuck? “She’s here every weekend for you. Stop being a dick and see her place.”
“Hendrix,” I interrupt. “It’s okay. I’m sorry for involving you. Everything is okay.”
“I wasn’t going to utter a word till someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” he shouts.
“Fuck this. I’m going outside for fresh air.” As both hotheads walk away, I stand in the kitchen on my own, still with no solution.
Ignoring the both of them, I walk into Jagger’s room, crawl under the covers, and try to fall asleep.
Just as I’m about to doze off, I hear the door swing open. “Wanna tell me what that’s about?”
With my back to him, I answer. “No. Not really.”
“So, Hendrix can know, but I can’t.”
“No, Hendrix figured it out and you haven’t.”
Footsteps tap against the floor boards, and I brace myself for the sight of him. Crouching, he situates himself on the floor beside me. His eyes are dark and cold. I haven’t seen him this distant since prison.
“Tell me,” he pleads.
Salty tears fall down the side of my face. “It’s you who has to tell me.”
He leans his head on the mattress, and his shoulders shake unexpectedly.
I restrain myself from comforting him, because this time I need someone to comfort me too.
There are days where I can’t be a pillar of strength for both of us.
“The other week I was in the grocery store next to the warehouse,” he starts. His voice is soft, the tremor making it harder to hear. “And this guy stopped to ask me a question. I switched off and stopped listening the minute he opened his mouth, because this unsettling fear sat on my chest and the possibility of not knowing the answer to the question.”
He looks up at me, the cracks in his mask starting to show. My hands wipe the tears off his face. As each of his disappear, another one drops on my pillow.
“I didn’t want to sound stupid or for someone to look at me the wrong way and figure out I was just faking it out here. You’re the only thing that’s real Em, but everything else feels like something I can’t overcome.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought I could hide it, and I’m too much of a coward to let you go when I know you deserve better.”
“Don’t push me away, it’s not fair,” I cry. “We’ve come too far for you to think I’m going to up and go when the going gets tough.”
“I’m too scared to leave the house, Em. Anyone else would jump ship.”
“We’re still learning remember? Isn’t that what you told me?”
He climbs onto the bed and lays beside me. Burying his head in my chest, his limbs cling to me in desperation, and I hold onto him with fear.
“Don’t let me go he,” whispers.
“Not even if you let me go first.”
Standing in the middle of my living room, Jagger looks around smiling in approval. “So, this is your space, huh?”
“Everything you need to know about Emerson Lane is inside these four walls.”
“I’m going to snoop when you’re not looking,” he teases.
“Be my guest.”
After yesterday’s meltdown, Jagger and I were able to agree we would wade through the overwhelming moments together. No matter how hard, how ashamed, or how incapable either one of us felt.
I want my apartment to provide him the same comfort his does. I want it to feel like home. For his fears, wants and need to be taken care of. Nurtured
“Okay, so I had this idea. Now it might be too much too soon, but I think it could be the most fun we’ve had in a long time.”
“Should I be worried?”
“I don’t think so.” I push him toward the couch, “But how about you sit down just in case.”
Quickly jogging to my room, I grab the big green garbage bag that holds everything I need and head back to Jagger.
“Ok, here’s your surprise.” Opening the bag, I wait for him to pull out what’s inside. One at a time I see him take out DVDs. Movie’s of every genre, from every year.
“What’s this?”
“Remember we mentioned learning?”
“Yeahh,” he says apprehensively.
“These are the top movies in the three most popular genres, for every year you were away.” I show him the different movies, dropping them on his lap and on the couch. “So we get movie night, but now when someone asks you if you watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre--” I hold up the movie for him. “--you can choose if you want to answer or not.”
He’s quiet, his face giving nothing away. Please don’t let him hate this.
“Is it okay?” My confidence takes a hit for every second he’s quiet. “I just thought…”
He rises, the DVDs falling off his lap, the plastic hitting the floor.
Pressing his palms to my cheeks, his eyes have returned to the colour of autumn leaves. “It’s perfect.” His mouth crashes onto mine, and I feel his gratitude wit
h every swipe of his tongue.
“I need inside you, Em.” His fingers find the buttons on my shirt, undoing them swiftly. My hands grip the bottom of his shirt and lift it over his head as mine falls to the floor.
Our impatience becomes overwhelming, and we’re both ripping off our own clothes. With his jeans around his ankles, I push back onto the couch and climb onto him. Carnal, sensual and animalistic, I let my nakedness envelop him.
Jagger
She’s completely open for me. Every part of her is exposed. Her body, mind, and soul are transparent, and so blatantly mine.
Her wild hair falls over her shoulder, covering her breast. I tug the end and wrap it around my hand, pulling it hard enough that her body bucks and bends for me. Taut and stretched, I watch her rise and fall, mesmerised with the sway of her necklace and the bounce of her tits.
If all my wrongs come down to this moment, and to being loved by this woman, then it was worth it. If every lesson I learn is taught from her lips, by her body, and with her hands, then I surrender myself to her. Each and every day, I am hers.
“I love you, Em.”
“I will always love you, Jagger.”
20
Jagger
“Do you think Emerson will be okay with us visiting her at work?” Dakota asks.
I know she’s going to be ecstatic that I took the plunge to leave the house. I may have lured Dakota with promises of whatever fast food she wants, but there was no way I was going to be able to come here without her. She’s my familiar place. My comfort, and I’m man enough to admit that.
“I think she’s going to be really happy about it,” I assure her.
Getting off at Martin Place Station, Dakota insists she can read the map and will lead the way. Letting her have fun with it, I walk beside her and make sure we don’t bump into anyone. The city is packed with commuters, some ready to leave for the day and others getting ready to start out their night.
“We came here on a school excursion last year,” Dakota informs me.
“What was the excursion for?” This is my favourite thing to do with my daughter. Whenever something triggers a memory, she lets me know the whole story and then some. Besides her size and age, somedays her storytelling has me believing I didn’t really miss a thing.
“It was an end of year reward for students who’d been at school every day of the year.”
“So, you got to go?”
“Of course. I love school,” she exclaims. “I got to pick any food I wanted, we went to Timezone, and we watched a movie.”
“Which movie was it?”
“Beauty and The Beast.”
“They remade it?” I question.
Yes.” She lights up in excitement.
“That good?”
“So good, Dad. Emma Watson plays Belle--she also plays Hermione in the Harry Potter Movies--but she played Belle perfectly. I even made Mum buy me the DVD. We should watch it sometime.”
“That and Harry Potter, our list is growing.”
“Okay,” she says cutting me off. “This is it. Do you know which floor she’s at?”
“We can check out the signs near the elevators. Come on.” We walk up the steps that lead to the building. The entrance is flooded with people. “Let’s move to the side so we don’t walk into people while we’re trying to figure out what to do next.” Shuffling to the edge of the crowd, my eyes zero in on a familiar brunette. She’s talking to someone, but I can’t see who.
“Dad, that’s Emerson,” Dakota points out excitedly. “Lets go and see her.”
We get closer, and my heart starts to beat frantically. She’s angry. Arguing with someone. Noticing me, she has panic written all over her face, and my gut knows which motherfucker she’s talking to. I see rage before I see him.
She walks away, beelining for me, when a meaty hand latches onto her bicep and yanks her back. Shaking her head, she warns me, but it’s useless. He’s a fucking dead man.
His face comes into view, and I lunge for his shirt. Grabbing him by the collar, I push him into the brick wall behind him. “You can’t fucking help yourself, can you?”
His eyes widen in fear, and then recognition sinks in.
“If you touch her again, I will fucking kill you,” I roar.
“What because your touch is better?” he taunts. “You’re nothing but a fucking junkie. A rap sheet that goes for days.”
“Yet she still doesn’t want you, right?” I pull him toward me and slam him into the wall. “Isn’t that what it’s all about? You’ve had your eye on her since the moment I met you.”
“She’s cleary just interested in gutter trash.”
His eyes veer to the side. “Oh, is that your daughter?”
Pulling back my arm, I line his face up with my fist, wanting to murder him for even mentioning her.
“So glad she’s here, and you didn’t kill her.”
“Jagger,” Emerson interjects. “Don’t listen to him. He’s trying to fuck with your head.” Her fingernails dig into my bicep as she attempts to weaken my hold on him. “We have to go. People are going to start calling the police.” Unclasping each of my individual fingers from Joe’s shirt, Emerson uses all her strength to create a gap between his body and mine. Palms on my chest, she pushes me backward and pleads for me to listen. “Jagger, baby. You have to get the fuck out of here, please. This place is swamped with police.”
Like a dog with a bone, Joe steps towards me. “Listen to your girl, tough guy.”
I reach over her shoulder to grab him, and he takes a quick step back, my hand cutting the air instead.
”Dakota, honey, hold your dad’s hand.” Small, trembling hands slide into mine. Emerson is right. It’s the only reminder I need. Glancing down, Dakota’s fear-filled eyes slice right through me. This should’ve never happened in front of her.
“Here.” Emerson shoves a heavy set of keys into my empty hand. “Go to my place. I’ll meet you there when I’m done.”
I can’t read her right now, the look on her face unrecognisable. “Em.”
She shakes her head. “Not now.”
I turn my head towards the sound of the apartment door unlocking. Weary and defeated, Emerson walks in with the world on her shoulders.
In a practiced move, she places her bag on the bench and takes a bottle of water out of the fridge. “Does anybody want a drink?”
“No, thank you.” Dakota answers, filling in the awkward silence.
“Jagger, can we talk in my room for a minute please? That okay, Dakota?”
“Yes. I think my favourite show is on now anyway.” She grabs the remote.
Taking Dakota’s agreement as permission, Em heads for her room, and warily I follow.
She sits on the edge of the bed and removes her heels, one by one.
Ripping off the bandaid, I blurt out our only solution. “We should break up.”
A throaty laugh leaves her mouth. “Sorry, what?”
“We knew this wasn’t going to work out,” I continue. “Before I disappoint you anymore, or better yet, end up back in jail. I’d rather just end it now.”
“You think I’m mad at you?”
“You’re not?”
“I am. I’m also mad at myself and Joe. I’m mad he now has this over you. Above all, I’m fucking livid Dakota witnessed the whole thing.
As she solidifies all my thoughts, it proves to me even more how right my decision is. “I still think we need to end it.”
“How about you give it a few days? Time to process before either of us make irreversible decisions.”
“No.” I take a seat beside her. “Three out of the five things you’re upset about were avoidable. And I went in, all guns blazing without giving a second thought to the consequences. I got so angry. And I was right there, at the edge of the cliff, looking over. And if you and Dakota hadn’t been there, I would have jumped and landed back in lockup. I’m no good, Em. Can’t you see that?”
She places her hand on
my thigh. “You were protecting me, Jagger. Your heart was in the right place.”
“My heart is always in the right place, Em.” Intertwining our fingers, I selfishly keep her close to me, knowing I’m about to break both our hearts. “It doesn’t change a fucking thing. I always end up hurting someone.”
“I think you’re looking at it wrong.”
“For the first time in a while, I’m looking at it right. I’m don’t want to keep waiting around for hindsight to learn my lessons. I want to avoid putting the people I love in these situations. When you keep apologising for the same thing it means you’re either stupid or not really sorry. And I’m not either of those things.”
“So one thing happens and everything between us suddenly means nothing?”
“No.” I pull her up so we’re both standing, facing one another. I grab her face and make sure she’s concentrating on me and all I have to say. “I’m doing this because you mean everything to me. You’re better than what happened today. You don’t need anyone to try and bring you down with all their flaws. And I won’t be that person.”
Tears begin to fall down her face and my thumbs continuously skim her cheeks, wiping them away.
“You’re really ending this?”
“You’re so bright and beautiful, Em. Your heart is so big, and I have never ever felt as full and happy as I have with you in my life. But I have to give that up. I will give up a life of happiness if it means you’re safe, and happy, and not settling for second best.”
Her hands circle my wrists. “I won’t be happy without you. How can you not see that? These last few months are the happiest I’ve ever been. So, I hope you know that the happiness you’re so eager to give up, you’re giving it up in vain.”
Reclaim: (A Redemption Novel) Page 13
