Losing Her

by Mariah Dietz

  “She knows where I stand.”

  “And where’s that?” Jameson asks.

  “She needs to get better, and then we can work things out.”

  “Maybe she needs shit sorted in order to get better.”

  My fist slams against the steering wheel in frustration. I know he’s trying to be a good friend, but anger overshadows it because I feel like he’s collecting intel for Kendall, and the kicker is, I know he’s probably right.

  We both fall silent again, this time he doesn’t bother touching the radio.

  When we arrive in San Diego, Landon’s outside mowing the yard. He’s been traveling back and forth between San Diego and my mom’s. I know that even though he wasn’t as close to David as I was, or even Jameson for that matter, this is affecting him and dredging up old memories he still struggles with.

  He turns off the mower as I pull up and wipes an arm across his brow. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” Jameson grumbles and slides past him.

  Landon watches him retreat into the house before he turns to me. “One of the hardest things I had to deal with was channeling my feelings,” he begins, taking a seat on a large boulder sitting at the corner of our driveway. “When things go to shit, it’s easy to be pissed at the world, but sometimes you have to look around and realize that some of the things you’re pissed at are things that it would really suck to lose.”

  I take a deep breath and clasp my hands behind my head. I know what he’s saying, I just don’t know how to not be angry at everyone right now.

  “How’s she doing?”

  I shake my head. “The same.”

  “She’s tough. She’ll get better. Look at me, it took me over a year for my nightmares to stop waking up the house.”

  My chin falls level with the ground as I stare at him. We’ve never discussed his nightmares. Jameson and I have discussed with him what he saw over there in great detail, but we’ve never once told him that we heard him scream at night.

  “You don’t think that shit woke me up too?”

  I’m stunned into silence.

  “I had to stop sleeping with a weapon under my pillow like we did in the desert after you guys moved in because I was terrified one of you would come in during the middle of one of my episodes, and I’d kill you. It took me a few days before I could actually go to sleep and not feel panicked about not being armed.”

  His words are chilling, and I thank God my mom isn’t around to hear them because I don’t know that she’d be able to recover from those thoughts. I push them away and lean against my Jeep. “The first time we heard it, Jameson came in with a butcher knife.”

  “Rookie. A butcher knife is not the weapon of choice you want in that situation. You have to stand way too close to inflict damage.”

  My lips pull up into a grin. “Alright, GI Joe, maybe you can explain that to him later.”

  Landon smiles and wipes his hands on his jeans. “She’s going to be okay. Just keep being there for her. You wouldn’t believe how much you and J helped me out after you moved in by just being there as a constant for me, distracting me from my own demons.”

  “You should never have had those demons haunting you.”

  “No, but none of us should, and yet that’s life.”

  I had this pep talk with Landon today. I think the loss of your dad is awakening some demons in him. I know what you’d say to me if you weren’t fighting your own at this time, you’d tell me his demons are never gone. Each time there’s a loud noise, scream, or even a certain word that none of us seem to be aware of, we’re reminded of them when they pass across his face. This is different though. He doesn’t want to talk anymore than you do right now.

  You’re going to be pissed when you hear this, but I ran into Felicia yesterday. If I wasn’t terrified by the idea of making you push further away from me, I’d say you’re a little to blame. I was at the store looking through ice cream flavors. Remember that time you told me that ice cream was life’s Band-Aid¸ and certain flavors offer more healing properties? I was trying to figure out which ones would be able to ease some of your pain. I don’t even need a full smile, I just need something, babe. Something more than the blank stares into your memories. I wanted in.

  Chocolate chip espresso had not been the tourniquet I’d been hoping for. I had intended to get more, and was considering how many flavors I could stack in your freezer and at my mom’s when Felicia leaned on the glass freezer door beside me with her arms crossed against her chest and a smile that told me she felt like she’d won a bet.

  “Hey, Max, are you back for the summer?” Those weren’t the words I was expecting to hear from her mouth. You see, I know we never really talked about Felicia and how that came to be. Honestly, I’m not quite sure how it happened. My mom says that before you, girls adopted me. That sounds sort of derogatory, but you know my Mom, she means you’re the first person I’ve chosen to be with. I would choose you every time, Ace.

  Knowing you, you’d probably feel a little guilty if you knew how Felicia and I’s relationship ended. After all, you were my motivation.

  You remember telling me how you wanted to break up with that douchebag, Eric, in person? Yeah, I know I rolled my eyes when you told me, but I understood. I felt the same responsibility when it came to defining my relationship with Felicia. She and I weren’t dating, but I still felt like I owed her an explanation because I could tell her feelings were wavering close to confusion … maybe I do walk a gray line?

  This may surprise you, but I think she was actually a whole hell of a lot smarter than we thought in high school. She wanted to become an engineer. I’m not sure why she liked portraying that she was an air head. Have I ever told you, one of your hottest qualities is that you’re not afraid to be smart? Anyways, I set up a time to go meet at her house, not thinking of the repercussions of what she may have been thinking when I did. I know, I know, not my brightest move. I was distracted.

  I needed to kill some time before I left because I was ready. I was so ready, Ace. I look back now and question how in the hell I managed to stay away from you for so long, but that hour seemed like it would kill me if I didn’t distract myself. Landon and Jameson were in the basement watching baseball.

  “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Jameson asked. He likely sensed my anxiousness; I think my leg was bobbing even while I was standing.

  “Clearing things up with Felicia.”

  Landon turned to look at me and I could see the thoughts crossing his mind, though he remained silent.

  “You’re finally going to tell Ace you like her?” Jameson wasn’t being a mocking asshole with his question. If anything, I think he was relieved. Our relationship and the ups and downs it had taken all summer caused my moods to shift like the tide.

  My nerves for the impending “clarity” and wondering how I was going to tell you about it without coming across like a tool was still swimming around in my head and his question annoyed me. “I’ve told Ace that I like her.”

  “No, you mentioned something to her and then let some asshole ruin your moment, and instead of getting back on track, you moped and ruined it.” He’s right. I still can’t believe how I let that asswipe, Emory, rattle me enough that I didn’t lay everything out that night. I had seen it on your face, you wanted me to tell you. I knew it even then. I flipped Jameson off though, because I didn’t want to hear the reminder. “I don’t know which one of you is more stubborn. She won’t dump fuckface and tell you she likes you, and you won’t toss your strange-ass girl to the side and admit you like her. You guys give me shit about not being straight with Kendall, but at least there aren’t two other people involved in our situation.” We’ll probably never agree on who was being more stubborn, but my God, for as stubborn as I was, you were ten times worse.

  “Your situation is just as fucked-up as his,” I was slightly relieved to have Landon say that as he crumpled an empty chip bag in his fist. I was tired of having my failures be the sole focus. “Where i
n the hell is Kendall right now? Oh that’s right, Vegas. And don’t lie, I know you’ve been stalking her Facebook page and saw that dude that’s with them.”

  “That guy looks like a douche,” Jameson muttered.

  “A douche that’s in Sin City with your girlfriend because you were too big of a pussy to cancel your date with your ex-girlfriend.” I felt a little guilty for Jameson when Landon’s words lacked all tact. I knew he was struggling to remain calm and appear unaffected by her being gone. Hell, if you’d have gone, J and I probably would have ended up there.

  “We’ll get shit sorted,” Jameson said, brushing him off.

  “Yeah, because you’re going to ask Ace for help.”

  “With these two, we need all the help we can get.” My tone was light as though I was joking, but that’s about the furthest thing from the truth. I was dead serious. I can’t tell you how many times I nearly cracked and asked Kendall to spell things out for me.

  “So are you going to finally talk to her?” Landon ran a hand across his jaw, his eyes focused on me. He was reading me. I doubt he was even listening for my verbal reply.

  “Yeah. I mean, I’m going to wait until she gets rid of her own excess baggage, but once she finally does I will.”

  “You realize she like never sees him. I mean, yeah they call whatever in the hell they have a relationship, but that’s not a relationship. He’s been here like once all month. Kendall swears Ace said she wants to break up with him.” Jameson had said these words to me before, but I was still waiting for you. I always wondered if my own dad left because of another woman, and that tainted me from ever messing around with a girl that had a boyfriend.

  “Then I’ll wait for her to get her shit together and do it. Tonight, I’m going to go get my shit together. I’ll see you guys later.”

  I programmed the address Felicia texted me into my GPS and headed to her apartment, still trying to sort out how I was going to tell you about things when I got home.

  When I knocked on the door, she answered wearing a piece of lingerie. Don’t hate me for remembering this detail, the only reason it sticks to my mind is because it made me feel like an even bigger asshole because it was obvious she wanted me there for everything except to tell her I wasn’t going to sleep with her.

  I followed her into the apartment, shocked to find the place looking like a nightmare I once had when I was still in Alaska, working on the Arctic Bull. Sarge had gotten after Smitty for leaving his smokes in the galley, still lit. He went on and on about how he was going to have the entire ship light up like a fireball. I dreamt the walls were ablaze and closing in on me, choking me with smoke. Every surface was covered in lit candles. Some of the flames were at least a few inches tall. Several of the candles were close to flammable objects, including the curtains, making me think her chances of being an engineer were shot.

  My mouth felt dry as I turned my attention to Felicia, and tried to swallow. “Listen, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for you to do all of …” My eyes ran across the dancing flames again and then back to her. I knew she understood. The flicker of pain crossed her features, bringing her arms to wrap around her midsection. A lot of people have that same reaction when they’re hurt or embarrassed, like they feel like they’re shielding themselves from the harsh realities of the world. I hated the reminder it sent of you that day I kissed her in my garage. That’s when I knew for sure you cared about me. I felt like the World’s biggest dick for like a week. I hated that I had convinced myself you didn’t like me and had pushed it that far.

  I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head to try and rid the image of you and continued. “You’re a really cool chick, Felicia, and I’d like to be friends but—”

  “It’s her, isn’t it?” she demanded, her eyes narrowing. “I knew you liked Ace!”

  I had wondered if Felicia knew I had feelings for you. The two times she had come around and you were there I was distracted and barely spoke as I checked my phone repeatedly, hoping you’d call or text, even though I knew you wouldn’t. I didn’t want her pissed at you though. I’d made the ugly mess with her, not you.

  “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have led you to believe this was anything more than friendship.”

  “So you want to be my friend, and her what? Boyfriend of the week? You’re going to get bored. I’ve heard she’s a real prude. And neither of you seem capable of being in a relationship over a month, except for this current guy she’s with. You know about him, right? She’s with someone.”

  I think I winced, caught between fear and anger with her underlying accusations. I was still a little terrified at that point that I would only ever be a flavor of the week for you even though I’d learned at that point you weren’t easy. “It doesn’t matter. Even if I didn’t have feelings for her, this still wouldn’t work.”

  “You’re such a bastard! It isn’t going to work. You can live in your own delusional world all you want, but you and her aren’t going to work. You’re like oil and vinegar. You can’t mix the two.”

  “But they sure complement each other well.”

  She shrieked, cueing it was time to leave. “I’m really sorry.”

  “Save it. It doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking her head. “Just go!” She flicked her wrist at me and I silently sighed with relief as I edged closer to the door and headed out.

  I’ll admit, babe, even though I felt like an asshat, I was relieved as all hell. I know you think Felicia was interested in me, and who knows, I guess there’s a small chance that she genuinely was, but in all honesty I think she was always more interested in my reputation than in me. The thing is, the guilt still made me feel pissed at myself. If a guy ever treated my mom like that, I’d be livid. Plus, I had felt like I’d grown a lot over the past couple of years from girls like Lacey and Felicia. Like the insecurities you were evoking were causing me to digress.

  The night of Dante’s party I was restless. When I’d gotten home from breaking things off with Felicia, I saw Eric leaving your house, and it wasn’t a tear-filled goodbye. Instead, he looked like a ridiculous Smurf, wearing all blue with a grin that stretched from ear to fucking ear.

  “So what kind of thing do I wear?” Jameson asked, earning him to be mocked and teased by Landon for a good fifteen minutes. I don’t know how it ended, eventually I left to shower.

  When I came out, Jameson was growling to himself as he rifled through what used to be Billy’s closet. I stopped in the doorway, making his attention shift to me. “That guy you saw on her Facebook is dating her roommate.”

  His eyes widened with hope and I nodded. You sent me a text confirming the fact that morning, and I sort of forgot to pass that bit of information on. I’d been to jazzed that you had reached out to talk to me about something other than running for the first time in a while.

  Jameson’s smile broke out into an appreciative grin and he nodded a few times, his relief palpable.

  I moved to head to my room when his words caught me. “I’m glad you and Ace are talking. Maybe tonight you should tell her.” He’d been trying to get me to tell you how I felt about you since before Felicia and I officially broke things off. You have no idea how annoying he became after.

  When we arrived at Dante’s, the place was filled to the brim with people, most of which were already feeling good as they danced and laughed. Jameson’s eyes automatically set out to search for your sister, while Landon’s started surveying the room. You know how crowds and loud noises sort of set him off and make him a little edgy, I hadn’t even considered it when we agreed to come that it was the first party he’d ever gone to with us.

  I caught his attention by cocking my head forward and led them to the kitchen where Dante religiously sets up his bar.

  “Alright, so do we just make it obvious and go find them, or do you want to try waiting for them to come find us again, since that worked so well the last time?”

  My eyes narrowed with Jameson’s sarcasm. “She’s still with him. I�
��m not getting in the middle of that shit,” I said before taking a long slug of beer.

  “Oh come on. I know you heard the girls in the pool again. It’s just a matter of time before they break up.” Remember when you asked me if guys stalk women as much as women stalk men? The answer is yes. We do.

  “I hate saying this, but Jameson’s right. She’s being stupid, but you should figure out why because she obviously likes you.” Landon’s words shocked me. He’d never pushed me to do or say anything when it came to you. I just figured he understood that I didn’t want to interfere, but apparently he got tired of trying to keep his mouth shut.

  “Whatever, you go do your brooding thing, then. I’m going to go find them,” Jameson said, tossing his cup in the trashcan. He and Landon retreated back out to the living room, and I stubbornly remained in the kitchen. I can now admit to you that I scanned the entire room every two minutes, in case you came in.

  An hour later, I swallowed my pride and went looking for you guys. Being that Jameson and Landon never returned, I was pretty confident they’d found you and Kendall. I headed into the throngs of people, searching for Jameson and Landon, because even though I could spot you a mile away, the place was packed.

  It took me ten minutes to locate Landon, and then only a second more to see that you weren’t there.

  “Max!” Abby cried, wrapping her arms around my waist as I approached. I knew that her excitement about seeing me wasn’t just because of the drink in her hand. I don’t know how Abby got my number, but she’d texted me, suggesting I talk to you. Don’t be pissed with her, I don’t know why I’m telling you this now, maybe just to remind you of how many people believed in us, even back then.

  Kendall turned around and squealed my name as well. “You just missed Ace! She went to get something to drink. You’ll spot her though. She’s wearing yellow again.” She winked at me. Yes, winked. Then nestled into Jameson who looked happier than I’d ever seen him. The lucky bastard.