Losing Her

by Mariah Dietz

  “That’s good. If you like your chances with sharks, you’ll feel really good to know that your chances of dying in a plane crash are one in 11 million.” You knew about regulations and statistics that I doubt the flight attendants would have known. I don’t know who was more impressed, the twelve-year-old that stared at you like you were Wonder Woman, or me.

  We’d been dating for four months at that point and it still would take me by surprise to learn how much I still didn’t know. What shocked me more was how much I wanted to know it all. I found myself always wanting to be around you. Sometimes I tried to distract myself and make plans with friends. I didn’t want to come off as controlling, or as obsessed as I was. It never worked out all that well, and the times I did follow through with plans, I always found myself texting you to see how you were doing and making plans to see you at the end of the night.

  Phoenix was our first vacation together, if you can consider attending a family wedding a vacation, especially when it seemed destined to be dramatic based upon my mom’s reaction to the news. I hadn’t met my future sister-in-law, Molly. She and Billy had only been dating a month. My mom met her on her last trip out there and described her as “a phase.” I knew she wasn’t very excited about her, but she didn’t really seem opposed either. However, when Billy called to announce their engagement, she went a little bat-shit crazy.

  You were calm the entire drive there, revealing to me how much you watched my brothers and me when we were younger, and the nicknames you’d given my two older brothers. Your recollections spurred me to telling you about what jack holes my brothers could be at times, and transgressed into stories about some of the cool things we’d done together, like when they taught me to drive at fourteen.

  I parked our rental car in front of the restaurant and reluctantly pulled my key from the ignition. For the first time in my life, I felt afraid to do something: introduce you as my girlfriend to my entire family.

  I think I felt a little more nervous at seeing how calm you were as you released your seatbelt and reached for the door, prompting me to place a hand on your knee. “Hang on. Let me get it.”

  You looked reluctant, but complied.

  “You look so beautiful.” The words fell from my mouth before I fully intended for them to. I was planning to say something slightly more original, but my head was in so many places it was difficult for me to focus.

  You smiled and ran a hand across your midsection as if to press out an invisible crease, revealing your own nerves. “Thanks, it’s sort of a Jackie. Proper and feminine with a bit of flair.”

  “Jackie?”

  “Kennedy.”

  I laughed and placed a hand to the small of your back as we traveled across the parking lot. “Is flair a synonym for sexy?” I was rewarded with a smile that was as genuine as your lack of knowing how incredibly beautiful you are.

  “So what color of underwear does Jackie wear?” I asked, opening the door of the restaurant.

  You stopped and looked at me for a second, then leaned forward. I still remember the feeling of your lips grazing the bottom of my ear as you whispered, “Jackie doesn’t wear underwear,” and then sauntered through the door.

  My thoughts that seemed to be in so many places all zeroed in. I could barely keep my eyes away from your ass to see if I could find the faint traces of underwear lines as we were shown to a door where my family had already gathered.

  As the hostess left, I pulled you closer to me. My nerves were going crazy and I was distracted as all hell by your comment. You looked up at me and smirked knowingly, then leaned up and kissed me. It was intended to be a short kiss, one to convey comfort rather than sensuality, but I placed a hand to your lower back and brought you so close I could feel the curve of your hip. It broke the thin thread of self control I had. I pressed you even tighter against me and slanted my mouth to fit fully over yours, trying to resist pulling the pins that I couldn’t see but was willing to find from your hair. Instead, my hand ran along your neck, stopping at your shoulder, and I regrettably pulled away.

  “Are you ready to meet the Millers?” My pinky brushed beneath the strap of your dress, searching for a bra strap. Although, the last thing I needed was to get more worked up, my curiosity was killing me.

  It made your eyebrows lift, and your lips to twitch. “What are you looking for?”

  My pinky found nothing but the smoothness of your skin, and you answered my silent question with another knowing grin.

  “You don’t want to play this game with me, Ace, I’ll win,” I warned.

  As if I needed a reason to be even more crazy about you, your grin stretched into a smile, and your eyes lit up with a dare. You pulled open the door standing between us and my family and my hand returned to the small of your back as I followed you inside.

  My family was milling around, carrying small plates filled with appetizers and glasses of alcohol. I noticed Grandma Miller, who I’d never introduced to anyone aside from Wes, and turned in the other direction. Grandma Miller was still barely tolerant of Sarah, and she’d been in the family for several years now.

  “Max?”

  I turned around, still holding a hand to your waist, and saw Aunt Louise walking with my great aunt Agnes.

  “Max, it’s so good to see you! We were just talking about how long it’s been since we saw you last, and I think it was the summer before you turned eighteen!” Aunt Louise smiled; her round cheeks looked even rounder with her dark brown hair pulled back so tight, it made my scalp hurt.

  “Who is this? Your mom’s been so busy I’ve hardly seen her, but she mentioned you’ve been dating.”

  I frowned at her word choice, since dating could imply that I was seeing multiple women. Mom made it abundantly clear by that time, that if you and I ever broke up, she was keeping you and I’d have to find a new mom. She of course doesn’t say that these days. No one expected you to leave.

  “This is my girlfriend, Ace. Ace, this is Aunt Louise and Aunt Agnes.” You took a step closer and smiled warmly with both of your hands extended. I knew you were trying to calculate if my family was the hugging type or the hand shaking kind. Really most of them preferred just formal introductions, but you didn’t seem to mind my aunts and their awkward stances when you deftly wrapped your arms around each of them in a hug.

  “Wow, you smell amazing! I love your perfume, it’s very elegant and fresh.”

  My aunt beamed with acceptance. She reached a pudgy hand forward to rest on your satin-covered shoulder.

  “Would you believe my husband hates it?” she whispered.

  She reeked of moth balls, so I’m sure my uncle Albert did. I appreciated your efforts though, even if you did lie. Growing up in environments like this, I’m sure you had sensed that my aunt Louise held some clout amongst the family.

  “Men.” You said the word like it was the answer to all problems and smiled back at my aunt. I tried to hide my amusement as my aunt began discussing shoes and her bunions, which had me searching the crowds, desperate for a distraction.

  “There you guys are!”

  I turned to see my mom approaching us. She took me into a hug and whispered, “Are you trying to scare her away?”

  “Louise, did you see they brought out the tenderloin you wanted to try?” Louise took Agnes’s arm and led her in the direction my mom pointed without hesitation.

  “I swear it’s not genetic, don’t be afraid!” Mom said apologetically, hugging you.

  “One of my uncles hangs a confederate flag and won’t allow my father in his house. Believe me, I understand.” Your words were light, but your lips pressed together. I wish I had asked you more about him. About what happened, because it’s obvious now looking back that there was more to that story.

  “Hey, Little Miller isn’t so little anymore!” My jaw still clenches when I think of my cousin Kiefer greeting me with a hard slap on the back.

  “Kiefer!” Mom called, catching the glint of anger in my eye. “I didn’t know you
made it! Let me introduce you to Ace. She’s Max’s girlfriend,” Mom said proudly, holding you close. It was probably so Kiefer wouldn’t touch you and push my dislike for him.

  “Kiefer, do you mind taking me to where your dad is?” Mom shifted, her arm still tight around you, moving you both closer to me like she was handing you off. “I’ve been looking everywhere for him!” She linked her arm with his and turned them both away.

  You caught her protectiveness as well as you looked up at me with raised eyebrows. “Is he like Marshall?”

  “He’s worse than Marshall,” I growled. “Come this way.” I gripped your hand and headed to where I spotted Hank and Sarah.

  “There’s my baby brother!” Hank greeted me with a hug and firm pat to my shoulder. As he released me, I grabbed Sarah and enjoyed the laugh she let out as she hugged me.

  “You must be the infamous neighbor,” Sarah said, turning to see you better.

  “I don’t know about infamous, but neighbor, yes.”

  “I’ve heard all about you girls!” Sarah said, looking to both Hank and me. “I’m Sarah, I’m the one that bosses this guy around.” She pointed a thumb at Hank, and I smiled as Hank emphatically nodded.

  “She’s little, but she’s mighty,” Hank warned, wrapping an arm around the back of Sarah’s waist.

  “You’re the youngest, right?” Sarah asked Ace, ignoring Hank.

  “Yeah.”

  “Gosh, I think the last time I saw you, you were like twelve or something! You look so much like Jenny.” Hank remarked.

  You smiled, but your head shook. “It’s the hair.”

  Jenny did used to have long hair like you wore yours, but I knew that wasn’t what Hank was referring to. All of you Bosse girls are beautiful, but Jenny had always been gorgeous. You even more so.

  “Are you ready for tonight?” Hank asked, placing one of his large hands on my bicep and squeezing, trying to get me to flex.

  I shook him off with a laugh. “Tonight? What’s going on tonight?”

  “Dual bachelor and bachelorette party!”

  “The night before?” I asked, shocked since I knew how Billy partied.

  “Half of the group didn’t arrive until today, including you, little brother! It’s going to be epic. Wait until you meet Molly and some of her friends. She’s hell on wheels. Tonight’s going to be a disaster.” He laughed, shaking his head, and I saw Sarah gave a tight-lipped smile.

  “Is she that bad?”

  Sarah nodded, her eyes growing as she gave the answer I already expected. “She has an aversion to wearing clothes that cover her. You should have seen Grandma Miller when the two first met.”

  Hank buckled as he started quietly laughing and nodding his head. “It was priceless.”

  I took a fleeting look around to ensure no one could hear our conversation and gripped your waist a little tighter to stop my hand from running over my hair that was gunked up that night. “Where are we going?”

  “Some honky-tonk cowboy bar she likes. She’s from Alabama, so she talks like this y’all,” Hank said with a deep Southern twang that sent a vibration of your laughter through my hand.

  “Max.”

  My breath caught in my chest as I turned to see Grandma Miller standing behind me. Although I’m a foot taller than her, it felt like I was cowering and looking up to her, rather than so far down.

  “Hey, Grandma.” My hand slowly fell from your waist so I could wrap my arms around my grandma as her small, bony hands cinched around my waist.

  When she released me I straightened, reaching for the words that I’d been rehearsing in my head to introduce you both, and saw Grandma Miller’s face break out into a genuine smile.

  “Well, dear, it took a little longer than I was hoping for, but I’m glad to finally see you.”

  I noticed Hank’s head pull back in shock as he stared at Grandma Miller. I stared at her too, confused as all hell.

  My grandma took a step closer, and I watched as she embraced you as though she’d known you for years, rather than just meeting.

  “You’re my ticket to finally getting a granddaughter. If he gives you any trouble, you just let me know.” She released her hold on you and patted my forearm a couple of times. “He was raised to know how to treat a woman. His mom made sure of that.”

  Your smile was shy. I noted how quickly it grew, making it sincere and fuller. “He’s great.”

  “Yes, but you, my dear, deserve spectacular.” She looked at me as she said the words, as if scolding me.

  “He’s pretty spectacular. To an astonishing level in fact.”

  My grandma nodded a couple of times, and then her hand patted my arm again, this time with more affection. “I’m glad to hear that. How are you doing dear? How’s Zeus?”

  I was still trying to catch up to the fact that my grandma wasn’t berating you like I’d been dreading, and hearing her say Zeus made my head spin even faster. I started wondering how in the hell she knew about Zeus, and what all my mother had been telling her, barely catching your response.

  “He’s doing really good. He likes the cooler weather.”

  “I’m sure he does,” my grandma replied with a nod.

  “I won’t make it for Thanksgiving this year, but I’ll see you both for Christmas.” Both, as in you and me. I don’t know why I ever doubted for a second that she wouldn’t love you, but I was still confused as all hell. “I’m so glad that you came, dear. This means so much to all of us.”

  “Oh, I’m really flattered to be able to share this with you all.”

  “I have to go. Edna will be looking for me, but I’ll see you kids tomorrow. Sarah,” she said with a nod, finally acknowledging her.

  As she backed away, our necks snapped to you. Your eyebrows rose and your fingers trailed the sides of your dress, momentarily distracting me as the desire to run my hands over the same planes consumed me.

  “How in the hell did you do that?” Sarah shrieked in a whisper.

  “Do what?”

  “She loves you!” she said accusingly.

  You shrugged nonchalantly. “I’ve known her for years.”

  My attention snapped from your hips. “Years?”

  I was dumbfounded when you nodded. “The summer you guys moved in, Mr. Janes had broken his ankle and they had that spaniel, Sandy. I would go over and walk her, or go with Mrs. Janes to walk her, and your grandma started joining us.” You shrugged again. “She usually comes over and walks Zeus with me now when she visits.”

  “You walk with my grandma?” I asked incredulously.

  “Oh my God, you’re like Mother Theresa,” Sarah said, dropping her head back. “Please tell me that she has at least one fault.”

  Your smile was in place, but I could tell you were uncomfortable because you were biting the inside of your cheek. “I have plenty. Really, it’s not a big deal,” you insisted, moving your hands over your waist again. “In fact, if you’d like to know how saintly I am, I was walking Sandy as a punishment because I had adopted the f-word that summer.”

  Hank released a howl of laughter and reached forward to wrap you in an aggressive hug. “I like you.”

  Your hands dropped to your sides, and your eyes warmed, but your head shook as you laughed. You were getting ready to reply but Sarah started waving and elbowed me in the side. “Kiefer’s coming. You guys should run while you can.”

  I pressed a swift kiss to Sarah’s cheek in thanks, and whisked you away before you had the chance to object.

  We joined my mom, taking a seat beside Uncle Lenny. I introduced you two, and my uncle didn’t hesitate before he began asking you questions about school and your interests as my mom stood up and was replaced by a couple of people that I felt like I should know, but couldn’t place.

  You were rubbing the white tablecloth between your thumb and forefinger that were painted a pale pink. My eyes watched for several seconds before taking into account that the fabric nearly covered your entire lap with how you were seated so
close to the edge of your seat. My first thoughts of seeking retribution grew. You’d probably knee me in the balls to know I was initially considering your reaction to me reaching up your dress and watching you try to fight the pleasure I knew how to find so easily, because I’d become so attuned to your body. Obviously, I didn’t. It would have been hot, I’m sure of that, even now, but I could see you being completely mortified and pissed off. That put a stop to that daydream, but not to my excitement.

  Instead, I scooted my own chair closer to the table, ensuring that the long tablecloth was draped over my lap as well. You were oblivious to my movements, discussing your dad’s medical profession with my uncle, something you did with pride. I reached over and grasped your hand in mine, and you released the tablecloth, allowing me to move your hand without the slightest hint of objection.

  I held the back of your fingers within mine, bringing your hand under the tablecloth and against my erection.

  “Ye-yeah, ye-yes.” I had to fight my grin as you stumbled over the simple reply to a question I wasn’t even aware of. Your cheeks were tinged red with a hint of embarrassment.

  I was sort of being a dick, I wasn’t trying to embarrass you, but your words continued to be rushed as you tried to pull away without making it too apparent. You couldn’t though. I had my hand on the back of yours, keeping it firmly mounted in place. Eventually, I felt your arm muscles slowly relax in defeat as you started discussing how long you’ve known my family. This is where I screwed myself, I laughed. You glanced at me from the corner of your eye and I lifted an eyebrow to see if you were ready to give up.

  You turned your full attention back to my uncle Larry, and I was about to release your hand and start plotting my next move when your fingers constricted and your hand pressed more firmly against me, making me sit up straighter.

  “… isn’t that right, Max?”

  I looked to Uncle Lenny, who was waiting for a response, and felt your hand slide over me again, applying a little more pressure before it lessened and then increased again.

  Son of a bitch. I was a stupid son of a bitch.