Losing Her

by Mariah Dietz

  Mental images fly through my head, not only of Zeus but of Ace, and David, and Kyle, and the rest of the family that I haven’t seen over the past few months. She’s getting rid of him? Ace would be devastated to learn this.

  “Max?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll take him,” I instantly reply. “I’ll take him.” I repeat, nodding a couple of times before I stop, realizing she can’t see me. We make plans to meet the following day before we both hang up.

  I turn into the parking lot Muriel and I arranged to meet at, and see the familiar blue SUV. I pull up beside it and watch as Muriel steps out.

  “Max. It’s so good to see you,” she greets me and I notice her smile is different. It looks forced.

  I nod to her in greeting, ignoring the fact that her eyes are intensely searching my face.

  “You got a truck.” I hear the hint of a question as her tone rises, and I silently nod once again.

  “It looks good. You look good.”

  An awkward silence passes over us. I can feel her silent questions. I know that none of the girls have been receptive to Steven, or her relationship with him, and have all pulled away. They no longer flock there every Sunday; rather they call one another more frequently and make efforts to see each other every couple of weeks. It’s become one of my top reasons for hating Kendall living with us.

  Either she realizes I’m not in the mood to neither reminisce nor discuss the current turmoil that her family’s experiencing, or she knows it’s not a safe topic of conversation and pulls open the back of the SUV, exposing Zeus.

  His head perks up as he sees me, and his mouth drops open. He scurries to jump out and greet me.

  “Hey, boy,” I say, rubbing the top of his head. His large body leans against me as he pants.

  “This is the happiest I’ve seen him in months,” Muriel says quietly, handing me a bag. I glance in as I accept it, and notice toys and other Zeus paraphernalia. “His water and food bowls are in there. He hasn’t been eating very well. There are some treats and his brush, along with some other things.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Steven’s allergic.” Her voice is barely audible, like she either fears my reaction or is embarrassed by the fact this is her motivation.

  I scratch my head, trying to understand this woman; she’s giving me the last remaining member of her family for some replacement figure. I shake my head and look down at Zeus, noticing that he looks visibly thinner.

  “She’d want you to have him. Maybe you guys can bring comfort to one another,” she adds as I turn to place the bag in the cab of my truck. “He misses her a lot too.”

  “I’m not doing this for her,” I state, and then pat my thigh twice to get Zeus’s attention. He looks at me, and then turns his head to look at Muriel before he stands and trots over to me.

  I hear her say a quiet goodbye that I don’t reciprocate as I close my door. The engine roars to life, and I head back home with Zeus beside me.

  “Zeus?” Landon questions as Zeus lumbers inside without hesitation when I open the front door. I feel Landon’s eyes on me and look up to see him and Wes engaged in a game of pool, both looking at me with shocked expressions.

  “Muriel was going to get rid of him,” I start to explain, hoping they don’t try to turn this into a big deal.

  “He’s a super chill dog,” Wes says, reaching out to scratch him. “Welcome to the pad, big man.”

  “What are you doing for Halloween?” Wes asks as he sets his weights back on the lip of the machine.

  My eyes cut to him as I lift the deadweight bar and briefly lock my elbows.

  “I don’t know, probably nothing.”

  “Why don’t you come to Andy’s with me? We’ll get hammered and make Landon come pick us up.”

  I laugh as I bring the weight to my chest again. This has become an all too familiar routine for us lately. We head to a bar or a club and ignore the fact that every blond head makes my head turn out of habit, which leads me to drink until the thoughts dull, along with my coordination.

  “I’m not wearing a fucking costume this year,” I mutter, feeling a trail of sweat slide down my temple as I lift the bar again.

  Wes chuckles and I know he’s thinking of last Halloween and the Wild West costumes the girls had talked us into wearing.

  “Hey, could you show me how to do that?” Wes and I turn to see a girl with wavy dark brown hair and heavily tanned skin, wearing a bright orange sports bra with black Lycra shorts. “I usually stick to the machines, but I want to learn to lift. I just need someone to teach me how.”

  “You don’t know how to lift things?” Wes asks, placing his hands on his hips. He used to be more of a player than Jameson, Landon, and I combined, and in our prime, yet lately he’s been more exclusive and seems completely turned off by the easy pieces he used to collect like coins.

  “Not this kind of thing.” She giggles and turns her attention to me. “Please?”

  I hear Wes let out a sigh as he turns away and shakes his head.

  “Yeah,” I reply, docking my weight. “So you’ve never lifted before? Do you do yoga or something to strength train your arms?”

  She giggles again and then flexes. Her arms are thin but show no tone or definition, just a small layer of fat at the bottom. Wes coughs out a laugh as he starts doing curls, and she dutifully ignores him, keeping her blue eyes on me, assessing my reaction to her.

  “Alright. Let’s take these weights off. The bar weighs thirty by itself. You should probably start with that for at least a week.”

  She lifts the bar and her arms quiver under the weight nearly instantly. She squeals out a giggle as I reach for it to ensure she doesn’t drop it on herself.

  I hate that this moment makes me think of Ace. Comparing her to this girl that I don’t even know because I compare everyone to her, it isn’t a choice, it just happens. I’ve never lifted weights with Ace, never even gone to the gym with her because she refused to join any of them, but I know that she’d be able to rock this without breaking a sweat. Running and swimming kept her muscles long and lean, whereas I can tell by looking at this girl she remains thin by dieting.

  She continues to giggle as she follows my directions, occasionally requesting help when I wander more than a few feet from her. I keep her at an arm’s length, getting just my toes wet in the game of flirting.

  “Dude, let’s go. You know what you need …” Javier stands up and grabs his keys as a giant shit-eating grin covers his face. I have a pretty good idea of what he’s going to say before he says it. “You need to get laid! Once we have you balls deep in some—”

  “That’s not what he needs, you pig!” Kendall sneers, marching into the room looking ready to castrate Javier. I know that it’s for what he’s suggesting rather than his vulgar language. I’ve heard her say worse.

  “Kendall, the man has needs. Don’t get me wrong, your little sister was hot, and probably got the job done well, but she’s not here anymore and—”

  I think I’m more shocked than either of them as I shake my head to focus on the blood running from Javier’s nose. I feel the slight sting on my knuckles that are itching to make contact again. I can’t even recall making a conscious decision to hit him, or to dictate to my limbs to move, but as I hover over him, I feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins and hear his words replay in my head, causing my muscles to flex in waves.

  “Get the hell out of here,” Kendall demands.

  For a moment I think she’s directing her words to me, but then Javier stands up looking like a wounded dog and shakes his head as he turns to look at me. “You’re never going to get over her if you just sit around here waiting for her to come back. You guys need to wake the fuck up. She’s gone. You think she’s waiting for you? Hell no!”

  This time I feel the surge of my muscles releasing as I lunge forward, but the activity has attracted Landon and Jameson, and they both work to restrain me.

  After losing so many people that
I care about in the last six months, and now likely Javier, I really don’t want to risk one of my roommates, especially when I fear Javier is just telling me what I already dread to be true.

  I straighten to indicate that I’m done, and turn to retreat up to my room when Kendall’s voice breaks the mental image of Ace with another guy.

  “She’s not dating anyone. She hasn’t been with anyone.”

  “Kendall,” Jameson warns quietly.

  “No, he needs to know,” Kendall cries out in irritation.

  I continue up the stairs, focusing on Kendall’s words. I know she wouldn’t lie to me, but does she know the truth?

  I roll onto my bed and flip on the TV, turning it to sports. I numbly watch a baseball game, highlighting a proposal that just occurred in the stands and snicker before changing the channel.

  Zeus pushes my door open with his snout and trots into my room. He circles around his bed several times before he finally lies down.

  She wouldn’t possibly be with another person, right? The car commercial ends and Jeremy Wade from River Monsters appears, reeling in a catch that has the small boat he’s on shifting violently. I flip off the TV with a loud sigh and close my eyes.

  I woke up and quickly showered and dressed. It had been over two years since I was up that early to go fishing, but when David had asked me to go with a hopeful expression, I couldn’t say no, even though the prospect of us being alone together for an entire day made me a little uneasy.

  Seeing you wearing a pair of denim shorts and light gray sweater zipped up to your neck caught me off guard. You were gripping a Starbucks cup and laughing at something your dad was saying as Zeus trotted over.

  “Good morning!” Your voice was as warm as your smile. And I knew instantly you were there because I’d told you I was nervous. You handed me the Starbucks cup, and the sweet scent of caramel from my favorite drink filled the air. I wrapped my free hand around you, pulling you against my chest so I could bury my nose in your hair that always had the faint scent of coconuts, the sweet floral scent of your perfume, and the fresh, warm scent of you. I’d know that scent anywhere. Getting rid of your pillow after you left was one of the hardest things for me, on the rare occasions we used to spend night at our own places, I used to use it in order to find sleep.

  “You didn’t have to wake up and go out with us,” I whispered, noticing the large bag filled with books by the rear tire of their SUV.

  “I wanted to spend time with my two favorite guys.” You flashed one of your infamous smiles, the same one that I’d found myself goofily grinning in response to without even realizing it on several occasions. “Besides, without me, you guys would’ve starved.”

  “I told her we would have survived, but I’ll admit, I did forget about packing food. It’s been so long since I’ve been.”

  I watched your dad zone out, recalling his last fishing trip. You make that same face when you work to remember something. It’s as though you guys were hitting the pause button on reality and pushed rewind, not allowing anything in the present to distract you until you located the correct memory.

  After a few moments, his face lit up and his eyes cleared, returning to reality. He grabbed your bag and frowned. “Ace, you’re going to sink the boat. What did you pack in here?”

  “Necessities!” You waved a hand in the air dismissively and turned to Zeus.

  Your dad raised his eyebrows and turned to look at me. “Honey, we’re only going for the day.” He didn’t wait for a response. I don’t think he was expecting one since he was already loading your bag in the car.

  “Are you guys ready to go?” David asked, closing the back of the SUV.

  “Do I get to be called Captain?” you joked, climbing into the backseat. I watched you move over so you were behind your dad, silently giving me permission to sit up front or in the back.

  I closed the back door, and climbed into the front passenger seat.

  “So, Max, you and Jameson went fishing at the end of summer. Have you guys gone out since?”

  As I turned to answer David, I saw you out of the corner of my eye, flipping through a book of CDs. “No, and I’m looking forward to fishing on a lake rather than the ocean.”

  “Zeus is excited too, aren’t you, boy?” he called, sitting up straighter to look in the rearview mirror to see if Zeus moved from where he was sleeping beside you. He didn’t.

  “Here, this will get us in the mood.” A shiny CD appeared between your dad and I and he smiled as he looked at it. Seconds later, Creedence Clear Water Revival poured through the speakers.

  You knew every word to the songs on that CD. I knew this because you quietly sang along to several until you drifted into reading once there was enough sunlight. Little moments like that made me fall even harder for you.

  We drove over two hours to get to the fishing spot that your dad said he used to frequent in years past, assuring us we were going to love it.

  When we reached the small shack of a place that rented boats, your dad got out, whistling the song that had last played while we hung around by the car, allowing Zeus to stretch his legs.

  “You’re pretty much the greatest, most wonderfully perfect boyfriend in the world!” Your arms wrapped around my waist. “Thank you for doing this.”

  “I really like your dad, Ace. I’m happy to do this. You didn’t have to wake up early and spend your day out here.”

  “I know. I just saw this as my only opportunity to be called Captain.” Your hand ran across my chest, making me smile.

  “I love you, Ace,” I said, pressing my lips to your temple.

  “Captain.”

  I shook my head, laughing. “Right, Captain.”

  Your dad returned, notifying us everything was ready with a giant grin. We pulled our things from the car, filling our arms with fishing supplies and coolers, and followed your dad down a beaten path to the edge of the lake where a small, dilapidated boat that looked older than our parents sat.

  You stopped beside me and looked at the boat, then to me, then to your dad. “Do you really think we’ll all fit?” Your voice was even and surprisingly calm. The thing looked like a deathtrap.

  “I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a little concerned.” He scratched the top of his head and looked down at Zeus.

  “Maybe I should wait in the car with him?” you offered.

  “No, no, no. We’ll make this work!” He sounded determined. “Maybe we should leave some of this here though.”

  We hauled the same load back to the car.

  “Sorry about your bag, Ace,” your dad said as he packed it back in the car along with most of our gear.

  “That’s alright. Thankfully, I have two copies of this book, so if we sink, I won’t be too disappointed with it being a casualty.”

  Your dad and I both laughed at your joke, but it was a little awkward and forced. I could tell he was considering losing it as a valid outcome, just as I was.

  We ended up only bringing only the bare essentials.

  “Alright, Ace, you may have to sit by the engine, since you’re the lightest,” David instructed.

  I knew that there was no chance in hell you would put a worm on a hook, you weren’t even intending to hold a pole, but you didn’t bat an eye as you walked toward the boat and climbed in. You held both sides of the old, rickety boat, and made your way to the back without glancing to either your dad or me for assistance or encouragement as the boat teetered below you.

  Your dad looked so proud of you, Ace. I know you knew how much he loved you, but seriously, he really did think the world of you. He waved for me to get in next. Zeus followed, and then lastly your dad joined us.

  Remember how you pleaded with us to tell you how to start the engine? You looked almost giddy as you resituated in the small space allotted and grabbed the engine cord. You gave it a valiant effort, pulling the cord several times. Each attempt only earning the slightest of whirs, before your shoulders slumped and you turned to look at us in
defeat. “Apparently this is harder than it looks in the movies.”

  It was hard to start, that boat was a wreck. Looking back, I’m shocked none of us objected to the idea of going out on it. Once the engine stopped coughing, we drove around the lake, looking for a good spot to cut the engine. We only passed two other boats as your dad yelled over the motor about where he used to stop.

  He directed us to a small cove where we slowly moved around to get situated in the tight space as the wind and current already successfully pulled us a little further out.

  The back of your calves rested on the edge of the boat, your black Converse covered feet hanging over the water. I tried not to stare at your bare legs. Looking at them made me picture them being wrapped around my waist. The mental image building in my head faster than I could process it was interrupted by your dad. Talk about a mood killer.

  “I’m glad you thought to bring sun screen, kiddo. Max do you need anything?”

  The question was just out of courtesy, since there wasn’t much to offer. We weren’t able to fit much of anything on the tiny boat. I shook my head and forced a smile to be polite.

  I tried to focus my thoughts on things that were more appropriate over the next hour as we waited without receiving a single bite. Your dad helped shift my thoughts when he started telling me about a fish that had been on the news recently, that had been found in the lake we were on. He was telling me it had teeth closely resembling humans’.

  I noticed you move out of the corner of my eye, and turned to see your neck straightened from where it had been bent over your book. I couldn’t see your face very well with the giant sunglasses you were wearing.

  My attention turned back to your dad as he continued. “They said someone must have had it in captivity and released it when it either got too big or demanding.”

  I was wondering how a fish could be too demanding when your voice made me turn. You sounded afraid. The only reason I knew that is because I’d heard it last summer when Zeus got hurt. “Like those fish heads.” You turned and looked at the water with a frown. “You really shouldn’t tell me these things while I’m on a boat that looks as reliable as a shipwreck.”