Edge of Awareness

by C. A. Popovich

  “No. I’m okay.” She pushed back against her, and Dana hoped she wasn’t alone in feeling the connection between them. Dana shuffled and tightened her hold and Maria leaned her head back on her shoulder. It took all the resolve Dana had not to nuzzle the softness of her neck, to feel the pulse beneath her lips. Maria turned in her embrace and held Dana’s face in her hands. She closed her eyes and felt the soft, warm caress of Maria’s lips on her own. Her brain registered that this couldn’t be happening as the rest of her body said, yes. The kiss lasted maybe five seconds, but it was the most intense five seconds of Dana’s life.

  “Maria, I—”

  “Shh. I just couldn’t resist. I feel so good with you holding me. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I just had to see what it was like to kiss you.”

  Dana cupped her face and slid her lips lightly across Maria’s. “Let me show you then,” she murmured against the warmth of Maria’s lips. She nibbled and lightly sucked while tentatively exploring with the tip of her tongue. Maria’s response, cautious and shy with an undercurrent of passion, ignited a primal yearning in Dana that threatened to steal her soul. Dangerous. She pulled away and leaned her forehead against Maria’s. “You okay?” she asked.

  No response.

  “Maria? You okay?”

  “Mmm. Yeah.”

  Maria’s deep sigh could mean contentment or regret. Dana needed to know which. “I suppose I should say I’m sorry, but I never will. That was the most amazing kiss I’ve ever experienced.” She pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. She would have been content to stand there forever holding her, but it was getting late and cold, and they still had to drive home.

  “Come on. It’s getting cold out here.” The autumn wind had picked up, and angry white caps lapped at the previously smooth surface of the river.

  Dana wasn’t sure what to make of Maria’s silence on the ride home. She gave up trying to engage her in conversation after the first ten minutes. Dana became increasingly uneasy since she wasn’t sure if Maria was angry with her for her advances or uncomfortable with her own response to them. Dana realized that this was a new experience and she might be confused. Dana hoped she hadn’t scared her away.

  “Here we are.” Dana pulled into Maria’s parking lot. “I had an amazing time tonight. I hope you did too.” She put the SUV in park and waited for a response.

  “I can’t even put into words what I feel right now.” Maria fidgeted with the hem of her sweater. “I’m so glad you asked me to go see the bridge. It was magnificent. I’m a little embarrassed. I didn’t mean to throw myself at you like that. I just…I don’t know. That kiss was…the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced.” She looked up to capture Dana’s gaze. “I want to do it again. Soon.”

  Dana leaned into Maria’s space, cupped her face, and pressed her lips against the ones she wanted more than any she’d ever known. She didn’t think, she didn’t question. If this were to be the last time she ever held her, she would make it memorable. When she finally pulled herself away, she whispered, “Yeah. It’s pretty wonderful. Sleep well, baby.” Dana waited until Maria was safely in her building before she leaned her head back against the seat and took a calming breath. It was five minutes before she pulled out of the parking lot. I am so screwed.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Maria tossed another pair of jeans on to the growing pile on her bed. Frankie, curled up on his doggie bed, paid close attention.

  “What does one wear to an Oktoberfest? German clothes, maybe.” Maria laughed at her own joke. Her phone interrupted her decision process. She knew it was Dana by the ringtone. “Hi, Dana.”

  “Hey there. Just making sure you’re okay. No more letters or anything?”

  “I’m great. I had a wonderful time with you, and no, no more letters.”

  “Okay, well, I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”

  Dana sounded disappointed, and Maria wanted to make it better, but wasn’t sure how. “Maybe tomorrow?”

  “Sure. Talk to you later.”

  “I don’t know, Frankie.” Maria sat on the edge of her bed and smiled at him thumping his tail against his bed. “I could use a new friend, but I’d sure rather be going to this thing with Dana than Dr. Jay.”

  She settled on a pair of jeans and a black sweater and grabbed a jacket on the way out the door. Maria got behind the wheel of her new car and closed her eyes for a moment of prayer. She had so much for which to be grateful. The new car, her son, her parents, her health, and Dana. Dana was never far from her thoughts. She missed her, and she wanted to figure out her conflicting feelings around that kiss. She’d thought of little else since the night under the lights of the Blue Water Bridge. Her lips still tingled, and she was glad Dana had called. She’d sounded nervous. Maria knew she was feeling something, but nervous didn’t describe it. She shook off her musings and concentrated on her new GPS unit and the printed map to the area where she was to meet Dr. Jay.

  The drive took less time than she anticipated but long enough for confusing thoughts to swirl around in her mind. She’d told Dr. Jay that she wanted to be “just friends.” If she was a lesbian, was she thinking of this as a date? She’d told her pastor she’d never thought of this before, and now, it seemed she couldn’t stop thinking about it. She pulled into the parking lot and waved to Dr. Jay, who was waiting for her.

  “Hi, Maria. I’m glad you accepted my invitation. This is a fun event.” Dr. Jay grabbed Maria’s hand and then let go as if realizing what she’d done. “Come on. Let’s get a seat under the tent for a bit.”

  Maria hadn’t been so far off with her joke about wearing German clothes. Everywhere she looked, there were folks dressed in traditional Bavarian costumes. The women wore mostly old style short-sleeved dresses with what looked like aprons. The men were mainly in leather pants with suspenders she knew were called Lederhosen. They walked into the huge tent in the middle of the street and Maria was grateful for the tall portable heaters in the corners. It was a chilly October evening, and despite the mass of people, the air was cool.

  “Are you warm enough?”

  “Yes. I’m okay, but let’s sit closer to one of those heaters.” She stepped close to Dr. Jay to hear over the band that had started playing something Maria didn’t recognize. It was loud, and just as they took their seats the whole crowd began singing. “Wow. This is amazing.”

  “Yeah, it is. Oktoberfest is all about the beer and music. Mostly the beer though. The music is as traditional as the costumes. Oktoberfest is when you can sing all the beer drinking songs you want to. This beer tent is small compared to the ones they have in Munich, but I think it’s awesome that they do this every year. So, do you like beer?”

  Maria laughed at the question that she hadn’t even considered. “I don’t remember. Believe it or not, I’ve only tried it once and that was many years ago. I have a glass of wine occasionally, but nobody in my family ever drank beer, and my last husband didn’t drink alcohol at all.”

  “Well, this is Oktoberfest and it’s all about the beer, so would you like to try my favorite?”

  “Sure. Let’s see what the excitement is about.”

  When Dr. Jay returned with two overflowing steins, she ceremoniously offered one to Maria and they toasted with their mugs. “Here’s to Oktoberfest.” Dr. Jay took a long swig of her beer and waited for Maria. “It’s Lowenbrau. I like it best. If you don’t like it, they do have other drinks.”

  She took a deep breath and sipped. She caught Dr. Jay grinning at her when she set the stein down.

  “You have a beer mustache.”

  “Are you making fun of me? I can do this.” She lifted the mug and mimicked Dr. Jay by taking a big gulp. It was a little bubbly, a little sweet, a little bitter, and very good. “I like it.” She took another gulp before setting it down.

  Now Dr. Jay was laughing aloud. “I’m glad you like it. Be careful though. It’s alcohol and it sneaks up on you. Let’s have some food soon so I don’t have to wor
ry about you driving home.”

  “Good idea, but I’ll buy the next one of these whenever you’re ready.”

  Dr. Jay returned to the table with the second round of beers and four grilled bratwurst as the band started a particularly popular song.

  “Let’s sing, shall we?” Maria didn’t wait for an answer but belted out the words of the song she could recognize and made up what she couldn’t. When the song was over, Dr. Jay shook her head and started in on a sausage.

  “These are good. I hope you like them as much as the beer.”

  “Unfortunately, I haven’t found much food I don’t like.” Maria took a bite of the finely ground sausage. “Oh, this is good.” She spoke between bites. “I’ll probably have gained five pounds by tomorrow between these and the beer. Can we get another one?”

  “We sure can. Let’s sit for a while first. I meant it when I said I didn’t want to worry about you driving home. You have an awesome voice, by the way. Have you ever sung professionally?”

  Maria stopped mid-bite and set her food down. She worked hard not to let the pain she felt cross her face. “No. I was planning to attend a music school, but my father had a heart attack three weeks before I was about to start. I never made it.”

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories. Your mother must’ve been devastated.”

  “He didn’t die. He’s doing well now. I’m an only child, and I just couldn’t bring myself to move away and leave Mom alone to cope with his rehab and recovery. Then I met my first husband, we got married, and I had my son. So I gave up on a singing career.”

  “I didn’t know you had a son. What’s his name?”

  “Justin.” Maria was relieved to move the subject away from herself. “He’s at Michigan State studying veterinary medicine.”

  “Good for him. It’s a good school. That’s where I studied. I’d love to meet him one day. When he’s in town just bring him down to the clinic. I’ll give him the grand tour.”

  “Thanks. I know he’d love that. Speaking of your clinic, I’d like to ask you something.”

  “Sure, what is it?”

  “Remember my friend Dana? You met her at the wiener dog race on Labor Day.”

  “Oh, yes. Are you two…I mean, yes, I remember her.”

  “Well, she told me last week that she had an uncomfortable experience with Leanne. I guess they met at a bar and Leanne seems to believe that she and Dana are a couple. She’s obsessed with her and jealous of anyone else seen with her. The reason Dana even told me was because Leanne told her she’d followed me to church. I thought maybe you knew Leanne enough to know if I should be concerned.”

  “I know Leanne is an excellent vet tech but I don’t know a lot about her personal life. She’s only been working for me for eight months, and she’s pretty private. She did just recently mention someone she’d met, how’d she put it? ‘She’s one I don’t want to let get away.’ Thank you for telling me. I’m having a few issues at the clinic that I’m working to straighten out and I’ll add that to my list. Shall I get us a couple more bratwurst?”

  “Sure. I think I’ll skip any more beer though. You’re right about it sneaking up on you. I’m a bit dizzy.”

  The band started playing another round of drinking songs just as Dr. Jay returned to their little table and they sang along with the crowd of people in the tent before eating. They spent the rest of the evening listening to the music, people watching, and visiting the various shops in town that were open late to cater to the festival crowd. Maria enjoyed Dr. Jay’s company, but she couldn’t help but wonder if Dana would have enjoyed the event.

  *

  “Thank you for tonight, Dr. Jay. I had a great time.”

  “You’re welcome. I enjoyed it too. You know, you don’t have to keep calling me Dr. Jay.”

  “I guess that’s the way I always think of you, but I’ll call you Jaylin if you’d prefer,” Maria said.

  Jaylin laughed and lightly stroked Maria’s cheek.

  “Do you feel all right to drive home? I could drive you, or call a cab.”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “Come on. I’ll walk you to your car.”

  Maria turned toward Jaylin when they reached her car. She’d enjoyed herself and sensed a friendly connection with her that warranted a hug.

  “Maria.” Jaylin moved closer and took Maria’s hands in hers. “I need to clarify something,” Jaylin said as she laced their fingers together.

  Jaylin’s hands were warm and soft, but there was no tingling like there’d been with Dana. She wondered what that meant.

  “I like you a lot. I need to tell you something that you’ve probably figured out. I’m a lesbian. You told me you were getting a divorce when I saw you in the clinic, and I have to say, a small part of me hopes it’s because you’ve recognized that you prefer women. You’re a beautiful, sexy woman, but I don’t want to presume anything. I’d like to consider you a friend, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that, but I’d like to see you again and consider it a date.”

  Fear, confusion, and unanswerable questions churned through Maria. “I like you and I want us to be friends. I told you when you asked me out to dinner that I’d like to do it just as friends. I think I’d like to keep it that way.” She paused, her mind swirling with questions. “I’m not sure what dating means to lesbians, so I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. I’ve only dated men, so that’s my only reference.”

  “You think I want to jump your bones, huh?” Jaylin chuckled, squeezed Maria’s fingers, and let go. “Well, you’d be right, but that’s not my intention. I like you. Dating, to me, means spending time with a woman I’d like to get to know better, but to whom I’m also attracted and want more with at some point. In my opinion, that’s the difference between going out as friends and going out on a date. I don’t play games. I like honesty and I sense you do as well.”

  Maria breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks for being honest with me, Jaylin. I hope this doesn’t sound confusing, but you are an attractive woman. If I didn’t know you were a lesbian I’d say something like you could have any man you wanted, but I’ve never had lesbian friends before, at least that I was aware of, and I’m a little unsure of what to say.”

  “I think I get it. You think I’m an attractive woman, but you’re not attracted to me, at least not that way.”

  Maria was comfortable with Jaylin, but she didn’t feel like kissing her. Is that what Jaylin meant by “that way?” What was it about Dana that stirred her? What was it that made her need to feel her lips on Dana’s? Even those unidentifiable physical feelings weren’t present with Jaylin. She knew attractive was a pretty woman or a handsome man. She also knew that she didn’t want to kiss Jaylin. Dana, on the other hand? Why did that feel so different?

  “Yes, I suppose that’s what I mean.” Maria’s head was starting to throb, either from the beer or from all her confusion. She just wanted to get home and be alone with her thoughts.

  “Maria.” Jaylin gently held her shoulders. “It’s okay. You look scared to death. Take a deep breath. Do you want to sit in my car for a minute?”

  “No. But thank you. I’m fine.” Maria pulled her close and hugged her. “Thank you for being my friend.”

  Jaylin stepped back, and Maria could tell she hadn’t been totally convincing about being fine. “Okay. Be careful driving home and bring Justin by the clinic anytime.”

  Maria nodded and waved as she drove away. The feel of Jaylin’s body pressed against her had felt nice. She liked the feel of her breasts against her own. She’d never realized how perfectly women could fit together, but the feel of Dana’s arms around her had felt more than nice. It had felt right. In Dana’s arms, she felt protected and cherished. Like it was where she belonged. If she was attracted to Dana “that way,” did that make her a lesbian? What did that mean, anyway? So many perplexing questions. Suddenly, an image of her pastor, eyes bulging, and red-faced, flashed through her mind, bu
t then she reminded herself of her father’s words, and acknowledged their truth.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Are you sure you’re comfortable with me coming in to work today, Dana? I want you to know that I’m not trying to take over. As far as I’m concerned, you’re in charge. You’ve been running the place for a long time, and I’m grateful. I just need to feel useful again. I promise I’ll be as helpful as I can be. I’m looking forward to meeting our new students. You did a good job with the ad you put on our website.” Dana’s mother wiped the spotless counter with a dish rag and washed her coffee cup for the second time.

  But Dana had been thinking about the answer to her mom’s question long before she’d asked it. She wasn’t even sure her mother would ask, but Dana was relieved that she had. “No. I think it’s great, Mom. I think the students will love to meet the owner of Langdon Grooming School, and I’m sure you have a lot of good pointers for them.”

  “It’s been a while, honey, but I’ll do my best.”

  “I know you will. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I need to let you know that I can’t let you touch any of the dogs if you’re drunk. You promised you’d stay sober all day, and I’m holding you to that promise.” Dana didn’t wait for a response, and her mother didn’t offer one. Either her mother would live up to her promise or she wouldn’t. Dana couldn’t allow herself too much optimism; she’d been disappointed too many times before. Although it did seem like her mother might have actually turned a corner this time. She kissed her mother’s cheek and headed to work.

  They had four new students signed up for the three month special Dana had advertised on the school’s website. They would learn the basics of bathing, ear cleaning, nail trims, and anal glands first and, depending on how fast they picked things up, would advance to basic puppy clips. If they showed as much talent as her most advanced student, Janet, they would have the opportunity to learn some of the more complicated cuts. Janet had accepted a part-time position helping her out with the new students, but Dana had to admit, things would move more smoothly if her mother were here to help too. She didn’t dwell on it, but allowed herself a sense of pride that her mother was coming back.