Edge of Awareness

by C. A. Popovich

  “After my divorce from Justin’s father, I went to cosmetology school and worked in Ohio. We lived with my parents for two years until I met my second husband. He was transferred to a church in Michigan. After my second divorce, I decided I wanted to settle down and make a life for Justin and myself. I bought the beauty shop and rented a little house in town.” Maria tipped her head down and shook it. “I feel like an idiot. I met Peter when Justin was thirteen. I was content, and then I married Peter. What a mistake.”

  Dana signaled the waitress for refills on their coffee.

  “We all make choices in our lives based on what we know at the time. “ Dana placed her hand over Maria’s.

  “Yes. You’re right, I suppose. What about you? Have you made any bad choices?” Maria moved her hand to hold her coffee.

  Besides being here with you? Dana hesitated, unsure how much she wanted to disclose, but Maria had been open and shared herself.

  “I’ve only had one relationship. At least that’s what I call it. I was only a teenager. Her name was Brandy, and I thought she was the love of my life.” Dana sipped her hot coffee and shifted in her seat. “She apparently was just biding time until she could leave for college. She left and I stayed to help Mom with the grooming school.”

  “Nobody since her?”

  Dana chuckled. “You’ve seen what frequenting the lesbian bar has brought me. But, seriously, no. I haven’t met Ms. Right yet.”

  They sat in silence for a few minutes until Dana remembered her question had been interrupted by Leanne. “How did you like Poppy’s service today?”

  “It was wonderful. He has a genuine way of presenting God’s word. I’m going to talk to him this week about singing in the choir.”

  Dana watched the joy radiate from Maria’s face as she spoke of the choir. Her passion was intoxicating, but Dana had no experience with that kind of passion, and she wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to it.

  “I suppose we should leave and let someone have our table.” Dana nodded toward the small crowd of people waiting by the back door.

  “Yeah. I need to get home to let Frankie out. I’ve enjoyed this time spent with you.”

  “Me too.” Dana stood and grabbed the bill off the table. These conflicting feelings were driving her crazy. One second, all she could think about was kissing Maria, the next, running from her. At some point, she’d have to decide which she wanted more.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Hey, Frankie. Let’s go outside. I need a walk.” Maria grabbed the leash she kept by the door and began the familiar route beyond her parking lot. “The fall colors are beautiful,” she said, turning her face into the cool breeze. She needed to figure out these feelings for Dana. When she saw Leanne at their table, she’d just reacted. The thought of her claiming Dana angered her, and anger she understood. The possessiveness she didn’t, and her physical reaction whenever she was near Dana confounded her. She thought back to her three marriages and the feelings she’d had for her husbands. They seemed nearly imperceptible compared to her feelings for Dana. She’d certainly never felt possessive of them. Even when she found out they’d been cheating on her, although she’d been angry and felt betrayed, she hadn’t felt the kind of intense possessiveness she had felt in that brief exchange with Leanne. There had to be some way to figure this out.

  She stopped while Frankie took time to investigate some crucial scent before moving on. When she first married at eighteen, she knew she wanted to have children. She’d never thought about any other reason for sex. Her husband rented X-rated movies “to enhance their marriage experience,” he’d said. She remembered that the women’s responses were what most interested her, as they were so completely foreign to her own responses. When she began to think that there should be more to it than just the physical act, that her experience should be at least a little bit like the women in the movies, she became convinced there was something wrong with her. Her doctor told her she came from a conservative family and she just needed to relax. He suggested a glass of wine before bed. That certainly hadn’t made a difference, so she’d assumed all of that was acting.

  She’d heard her girlfriends in high school talk about sex, but she and her boyfriend had both been church members who’d taken a vow of abstinence until marriage. There had been times she wanted to try it to see what they were talking about, but her interest waned even when she was making out with him. She just figured she’d find out when they married. Well, it hadn’t changed much when they did.

  She sat on a bench overlooking the park’s man-made lake. She closed her eyes and studied her feelings as best as she could. There was a vague memory working itself into her consciousness. She remembered that one of the movies stood out for her. It was the first time her body had responded to the scenes she was watching. It had been unfamiliar, but not unpleasant. But it had also been too strange and she knew they had nothing to do with her husband. Memories of Dana’s kiss suddenly flooded her senses, eliciting a groan, and creating heaviness between her legs. She pulled Frankie close and hugged him as if trying to protect herself from the memories. “Oh, Frankie. I think this is what Dr. Jay was talking about when she said I wasn’t attracted to her in ‘that way.’ Now what am I supposed to do?”

  Maria hurried back to her building, tugging Frankie along next to her the whole way. “Come on, little guy.” She wanted to work out the Skype thing on her new computer so she could talk to her parents.

  She watched Frankie plop down in his bed before propping herself up on pillows and settling onto hers. She booted up her new laptop. She was excited to have a computer of her own again.

  Maria was familiar enough with Skype thanks to Justin. Once she had the program downloaded, she hit the Video Call to her parents and waited.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  “Maria. I’m glad to see you. Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, everything’s fine. I’d like to talk to you about something. It’s sort of personal.”

  “If you’d rather wait until we see you, honey, that would be okay.”

  “No. I need to figure this out, Dad. I’m confused.”

  “Do you want me to call your mom in?”

  “Yes. Is she around?”

  “Even if she weren’t, she’d find a way to be here for you. I’ll go get her.”

  Maria tried to organize her thoughts as she waited.

  “Hi, honey.” Her mother looked concerned when she took a seat next to Maria’s father. “Is everything all right? Are you ill?”

  “No. I’m fine, Mom. I just have some feelings I’m wrestling with and I needed your perspective. Remember when I was there, I told you about my friend Dana?”

  “Yes. I remember.” Maria’s mother seemed to take over while her dad leaned close with his arm around her.

  “I’ve seen her a few times since I’ve been back, and I have these confusing feelings about her. She’s a good person and I know she likes me and I like her.”

  “So, is there a problem with her?”

  “No. Not really a problem with her, it’s my feelings for her that seem to be a problem for me.” Maria took a deep breath and let it out before continuing. “I kissed her.” Maria let the confession hang in the air like an overfilled balloon about to burst.

  “Kissed like seriously kissed, or kissed like a friendly peck?” her father asked.

  “It was a kiss like there was no force in the world that could have stopped me from kissing her. I don’t know what to make of it. I’ve never felt this way before.”

  “So, how did Dana react to this kiss?”

  “She kissed me back.”

  “If she kissed you back, I’d say it means she wanted to kiss you too, don’t you?”

  “Well, yes. And we kissed again when we got back to my building. That was when I realized that something had shifted in me. I can’t explain it, but I believe it may be something that’s been on the edge of my awareness for my whole life. But—”

  “Honey,” her mo
ther said before Maria could continue. “I remember the first time your dad and I kissed. I’d been waiting for him to make the first move. It was our fourth date and I’d decided before we went out that night, that if he didn’t kiss me, I’d kiss him. It was just as you put it, ‘there was no force in the world that could have stopped me.’ There are so many more options these days when it comes to choosing who we love. Life is just too short to deny those forces. Feelings that strong don’t come around every day.” Her mother reached toward the webcam, and Maria could almost feel the gentle touch on her cheek. “That’s a lot to struggle with. I wish we could be there with you. Whatever you decide to do, Maria, your dad and I are one hundred percent behind you. We love you and want to see you happy.”

  “Thank you. I’m glad I could talk to you both tonight. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but talking about it helped.”

  “Call again anytime. We’re always here for you.”

  Maria disconnected from the program, rested her face in her hands, and prayed for guidance.

  *

  Dana relaxed on her couch and regarded her fish finishing their dinner. Her thoughts centered on Maria, as they always did these days. The chime of her doorbell interrupted Dana’s thoughts.

  “Come on in, Mom.” Dana’s hopefulness at her mother’s continued sobriety slipped away. “Have you been drinking?” She watched as her mother swayed forward and plunked down on the couch.

  “Yes.” Her mother looked surprised at her own admission. “I had to try. I had to see if I could have only one cocktail. I had five.”

  Dana didn’t respond. She watched her mother drop her head forward. When she raised tear-filled, tormented eyes, Dana rushed to sit beside her and wrapped her arms around her.

  “It’s okay. We can get you any help you need. I’ll do whatever I can, but you know you have to want to help yourself, don’t you?”

  “I know the drill. I just thought I could do it. I thought, I don’t know what I thought. I accepted an offer to go antiquing with Poppy and then I felt as if I was cheating on Richard. I just wanted the ache to go away. I just wanted him back.” Her mother broke down totally with her last statement, and Dana held her while tears streamed down her own cheeks.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Thanks for letting me audition for your choir, Pastor. I love music ministry. I think it can reach out to lost souls in ways that words can’t. I know the first time I heard a choir sing the Lord’s Prayer, I’d never been so moved.”

  “I’m glad you came to our little church. We’re always looking for ways to reach out, and you have a beautiful voice. I believe you’ll be an excellent addition to our choir.”

  “Thank you, Pastor. I look forward to it.” Maria felt more gratified than she could ever remember feeling in any house of God, even her father’s church.

  “Please, call me Poppy. I’m just one of God’s children. The only difference between us is that I’ve been called to preach his word, and you’ve been called to sing it.”

  Maria thought about Poppy’s statement all the way home. Was he right? Was this music ministry a calling from God? She’d always thought of her singing talent as God’s gift to her. Maybe that’s why she hadn’t been able to attend The Julliard Institute. She allowed herself a moment of contentment and a huge piece of the resentment she’d been harboring deep inside fell away. Her father hadn’t planned to have a heart attack weeks before she was due to start. It certainly hadn’t been his fault. But she realized that she’d been angry about it, nonetheless. Now she began to believe it might have been God’s will that she not attend the renowned music school.

  “Come on, Frankie,” Maria called to her little dog when she got home. “Let’s go outside.”

  His little tail wagged nonstop as Maria clipped on his leash and they began their familiar route through the park. She didn’t even need to pull on his leash when she reached the bench facing the lake. “You’re getting used to this stop, aren’t you, little guy?” Frankie wagged his tail faster and plopped down at Maria’s feet.

  “Okay, Lord. Is this what you want for me? Am I supposed to be at this little church?” Maria sat quietly in reflection. She hoped the answer would come from the small voice inside her. The small voice that seemed to be murmuring in happiness.

  Once Frankie was tucked away in his little bed back at home, Maria sat in her rocker with her cup of tea and allowed herself to feel the excitement of being able to sing in a church choir again. She wanted to share it with someone, and Dana immediately came to her mind. She wrestled with the appropriateness of calling her. If she put herself in Dana’s shoes, she wondered how she would feel. Confused? Dana obviously liked her and had wanted to kiss her. Whatever that meant for Dana, Maria didn’t believe it was trivial. When she’d first met her at the grooming school, Dana’s appraisal had felt akin to a caress. She’d felt attractive. Special. Whatever feelings had demanded that she kiss Dana, stirred her like none she’d ever had. She liked them but wished she knew what they were. And why was it Dana who evoked them?

  But Dana thought Maria was straight, and she’d told her she would have many men wanting to date her when she was ready, but she was increasingly aware that she might never be ready for that again. Dana’s my friend. Friends call each other to share news of their lives. She disregarded the minor detail that friends didn’t usually kiss one another the way they had under the bridge. She dialed Dana’s number and waited. When she got her voice mail, Maria almost hung up, but something kept her on the line and she left a message. “Hi, Dana. I hope you and Lucy are well. I’m going to be singing in the choir at Poppy’s church now. I’m excited about it and just wanted to tell you about it. I miss you.” She pushed the end button on her phone and went to change into her nightgown. I miss you? Why did I say that? She did miss her, but what exactly did that mean and what was she going to do about it?

  She snuggled under her down comforter and allowed thoughts of Dana to drift through her consciousness. She thought of their shared kiss and Dana’s gentle touch. She thought of her own reaction to it. That unfamiliar physical feeling emerged again. This time Maria knew what it was. She still didn’t have many words to define it, but she did know that it was the same feeling she’d had watching that X-rated movie with her ex-husband. It must be romantic desire. It must be what Jaylin talked about when she said being attracted that way. She thought back to that movie. It was so many years ago that the memories were vague. Maria never touched herself. She’d tried it a few times over the years and even found it pleasant a couple of times, but she’d never experienced the intense desire for it. With Dana’s image in her mind, she did now.

  Slowly, she slid her right hand across her right breast and gasped at the intensity of the feeling as she ran her finger around her nipple. She reached under her nightgown and lightly caressed the inside of her thigh. She was going by instinct, without a clue as to what to expect. The gentle caress caused warmth and tingling in her center. She moved her hand to her crotch, and when she reached the heat of her vulva, she lightly moved her fingers to her clitoris. Her hips jerked and an involuntary moan escaped. Oh my God.

  She’d never known her body was capable of this. She slowly circled her clit, amazed at how wet and slippery she was. Her clit grew hard under the pressure of her fingers, and she yanked her hand away, breathing hard. She was going to have an orgasm. She’d read about them, saw what they looked like in that movie, and wondered what they would feel like. She sat up and lifted her nightgown over her head, threw off her covers, and lay naked on her back in the middle of her bed, feeling sexy.

  The heavy pressure had become an insistent throbbing. She squeezed her left nipple with her left hand and reached between her spread legs with her right. She began slowly. Exploring, feeling, not wanting to rush the experience. It was too much, too sensitive. She pulled her hand away and wondered if she’d ever be able to catch her breath. She began her exploration again around her clit, coming close but not touching it d
irectly. Oh, yes. It was so sensitive. She probed her wet, warm opening with her middle finger. The pressure was becoming unbearably intense. She knew she would come soon. She had to come soon. She pushed her finger inside herself and at the same time pressed down with her right hand on her distended clitoris. She slid her fingertips around her wetness and her clit ached for release. Her hand became a blur as she massaged herself to climax. The contractions of her orgasm around her finger as it tore through her brought tears to her eyes.

  She rolled over to her side with both hands still clasped between her legs. If an orgasm could be so intense alone, sharing it with someone she loved would be amazing. When her breathing settled back to normal, she started over, but this time she focused on the memories of Dana’s soft lips on her own.

  *

  “No, Lucy had an appointment today, so she won’t be in.” Dana was pleased her mother had made such an impression on their students. They were all progressing nicely, and Dana had been receiving positive feedback from their customers. She was very good with the owners as well as the students, and was still skilled with grooming tools. Dana looked forward to hearing how her day with Poppy went. Her mother had been so scared that Dana was sure she would end up reverting to her heavy drinking. When she’d stayed sober for two weeks and kept a regular schedule at the school, Dana came close to believing she could do it. She hoped this outing with a man Lucy seemed attracted to might boost her resolve.

  The busy Saturday schedule kept Dana occupied and thoughts of Maria at bay. When the last dog was picked up, she headed home and decided to go to the bar after dinner. Her mother had called and said they were having fun and were going to stop at one of Poppy’s favorite restaurants, so they wouldn’t be home until late. Dana would have time to head to the bar for a beer, even though it didn’t hold much appeal anymore. And there still was the issue with Leanne, who had called the grooming school several times, insisting on speaking to Dana. But she’d been told Dana was busy, and although she’d been rude, she hadn’t been nasty. Dana hated that her personal life was intruding on her work, and she figured she’d have to deal with it somehow, soon.