by Matt Shaw
7
KIM WEPT AS SHE EXPLAINED how the events had unfolded. Kirk hugged her closely, for comfort; as she described the stench of the stranger’s breath as he had whispered in her ear just how much he was enjoying what he was doing to her. Kim shook as she recalled the painful act itself and how she snuck from the hospital to call Kirk – stopping short of explaining why she was so reluctant to speak to the police officers. Kirk didn’t understand why she didn’t want to help them get the monster that had done this to her but he didn’t press her – in her current state he felt as though she had been through enough without having to explain her reasons to him.
Kirk kissed Kim on the forehead, as though he was trying to comfort a little girl, and said, “Everything is alright now. Everything will be alright.” As much as Kim wanted to believe what he said – she knew everything was far from alright. Even so she closed her eyes tight and forced herself to believe it; forced herself to believe that, in the end, everything would be alright. For the first time since he proposed to Tracy, Kirk also believed that there was a good chance of everything being alright.
A couple of quiet minutes passed before Kim slowly pulled herself, reluctantly, from Kirk’s warm, safe embrace. She looked him in the eyes and smiled - a smile that was returned with a real feeling of genuine affection.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” she asked.
Kirk shifted uneasily in his chair. He didn’t know where the question had come from. Where ever it came from – he hoped it would go back there; unanswered.
Kim knew the answer she wanted. She wanted Kirk to say it was because he liked her. She wanted Kirk to say that it was because he wanted to be with her. She wasn’t sure if it was the overall shock of what had happened to her but she felt safe around Kirk. She felt happy around Kirk. Kim knew the answer she wanted. She wanted Kirk to say that he too felt happy around her.
Kirk looked away from Kim, as he searched for an answer that wouldn’t cause her to be upset. He focused on a hanging picture of Tracy – Tracy, the love of his life.
* * * * *
“You make me happy,” said Kirk as he sat opposite Tracy as she admired her engagement ring, letting her bowl of soup get cold.
“That’s it?” she said. “You want to marry me because I make you happy?”
“In a nutshell,” he replied bashfully, looking around the restaurant to see if anyone was listening in on their conversation.
“That’s an awfully big commitment to make to someone who just makes you happy. What else is in that nutshell?” Tracy was teasing him. She knew he wasn’t one for the ‘lovey-dovey’ types of conversation that she enjoyed. She knew it made him uncomfortable and the more uncomfortable he got – the more she enjoyed winding him up about it.
“Lots of things,” he said.
“I don’t believe you,” she continued, “name them.”
Kirk laughed, “Why are you doing this to me?”
“I need to know you are serious about marrying me. I need to know you are going to be a good husband as well as a good dad.”
“I’m going to be a great dad,” he corrected her. He gave her a cheeky smile before finishing his wine and pouring himself another glass, “Can I tempt you?” he asked as he hovered the bottle above her empty wine glass.
“Don’t change the subject – and no you can’t. I think you will be a great husband too,” she said as she put her hand over her glass.
“I’ll be a great husband,” he agreed, “but I’ll be an even better lover.” They both laughed. “Please have a glass of wine so I can get you drunk to prove it.”
“You don’t need to get me drunk…” she said as she teasingly nibbled on her finger.
“I don’t? You mean I’ve been wasting my money for all these years? Damn it!”
“You just need to tell me what makes you want to marry me.”
Kirk’s smile faded from his face, “Can’t I just get you drunk like the good old days?” His mouth cracked a smile as he struggled to keep a straight face.
“Why are you being such a shit?” said Tracy as she gave him a playful slap. “Come on, be serious now.”
Rubbing his wrist, “I’m always serious.”
“So why do you want to marry me?”
“Because I love you!”
“Come on – there must something else about me.”
“You aren’t going to let this go, are you?”
“No. Please tell me.”
Kirk took a deep breathe in, “I love you. I love the way you look. I love your mind. I love your sense of fashion. I love the fact that you can brighten up any room that you walk into. I love the way you just simply complete me.”
Tracy laughed, “That will do. I’m feeling a little sick.”
“Bitch,” said Kirk jokingly. “Eat your soup before it gets cold.”
“Yes, oh master!”
They both laugh again.
* * * * *
Kim followed Kirk’s line of sight and saw the picture of Tracy. Her heart sank, “She’s pretty.”
Kirk didn’t reply. He simply sat and smiled, looking back to Kim. Tracy was pretty. Tracy is pretty. Kirk also thought that Kim was pretty too even though he tried to get the idea out of his head; the idea that he may be attracted to someone other than Tracy.
“What happened to her?” asked Kim knowing full well that the question wouldn’t be answered; just as her previous question about why he was being so nice was also left unanswered.
“I’d rather not talk about it, thanks,” said Kirk making sure the smile didn’t fade. He didn’t want Kim thinking that she had upset him. Despite Tracy, in his mind, not liking the idea of him getting too close to Kim – Kirk had come to realise that he very much enjoyed Kim’s company and he didn’t want to do, or say, anything that could have jeopardised that.
Kim continued to press him oblivious to the fact that her questions about Tracy were a bone of contention, “You know, sometimes its good to talk about things. To get things out in the open – sometimes it can help.”
Without realising it, Kim had set herself up and Kirk seized the opportunity, “So why do you do this?” Kim knew what ‘this’ meant. She knew what Kirk was asking.
Why was she a prostitute?
8
KIM WAS ONLY FOURTEEN YEARS OLD when she first found out her mother, Jackie, had cancer. Jackie had taken the day off work to tend to a doctor’s appointment that would take her through the results that she was waiting for. As the doctor sat opposite her, explaining the ins and outs of the disease and possible treatments they could offer – Jackie had heard nothing. Instead she sat there believing she was going to die imminently. It wasn’t the thought of dying that scared her but rather the thought of explaining to her daughter that she may not be around for her anymore – that terrified her. Jackie had managed to keep the doctors’ appointments and hospital visits a secret from Kim all the time they were doing tests to see whether the lump on her breast was indeed a malignant tumour but she knew, now they knew for definite, that she was going to have to come clean. She couldn’t hide it any longer. With the various treatments on offer – she knew it was going to affect her more than the odd day here and there. Previously, whenever Jackie needed to take time out for lengthy consultations with her doctors or to undergo different tests, Kim had been sent to stay with her aunty – always with the excuse that her aunty had wanted Kim to visit as it had been so long and she felt they needed to catch up. Now though – now they knew what they were dealing with and the necessary treatment required to try and beat the cancer, Jackie knew that she could no longer hide the disease from her daughter. She knew that she could no longer hide the harsh realities of real life from her sweet, innocent girl.
Jackie expected Kim to be upset – obviously. She expected Kim to not understand and worry that she was going to lose her mum; like she had lost her dad just before she was born. Jackie knew she was going to have to stay strong when she told Kim. She knew that she wouldn
’t be able to show how much it scared her and she knew she was going to need all of the answers possible to rest Kim’s mind should she have had any questions.
When she did finally tell Kim she had followed her up to her bedroom, when she returned from school, and sat on the bed with Kim, to explain everything. Jackie believed Kim’s bedroom was the best place to break the news as it was her safe haven. Kim knew that, in her room, she was safe from everything. When she did finally tell Kim she was surprised to see that her daughter didn’t cry. Kim didn’t panic. Kim didn’t believe her mum was going to die. She was angry. She didn’t understand how her mother could have not trusted her enough to tell her what she was going through. She was angry that Jackie had taken the decision to go through all the tests and appointments by herself – not trusting that Kim was old enough to understand. More importantly, Kim was angry, because she had wanted to be there for her mum and Jackie had taken that away from her.
“Well you can be here for me now,” Jackie had said when Kim finally calmed down and the tears started.
* * * * *
Kim didn’t say anything to Kirk. She wanted to tell him everything. She had always wanted to tell someone but, until now, she never felt as though she had anyone to talk to. If she couldn’t tell Leon – who could she tell? She always presumed people, friends and strangers, would just have dismissed her as a drug-addict whore and now she knew things had gone too far to tell anyone. She knew that, soon, everyone would come to know what she was but she still didn’t have the nerve to come clean to Kirk. Kim just wanted to enjoy the feeling of someone being nice to her whilst it lasted.
“You don’t have to tell me,” said Kirk, much to Kim’s relief. He smiled. He didn’t really want to know. He didn’t care. Kim could do whatever she wanted. It was none of his business but he knew, now, the chances are she wouldn’t challenge him about Tracy. She could challenge him about anything but not Tracy.
Kim smiled a ‘thank you’ to Kirk and sat back lost in thought. If Jackie could have known the lifestyle Kim would have ended up with, Kim wondered, would she still have wanted her to stand by her when she was ill.
Kirk leant forward into Kim’s line of sight and smiled, “Did you want me to run you that bath?”
Kim blinked a couple of times and focused on him, “Could you just talk to me for a while longer?”
He thought for a while before saying, “So what did you do after college?” Rightly or wrongly he presumed she didn’t become a working-girl straight away – she must have had a life before all of this. He thought she must have at least chased some of her dreams for a while. He thought it might have been something they could talk about, together, to pass the time.
Kim could see what Kirk was trying to do. She could see that Kirk wanted to get her to open up about her past – her past before the bad things that happened to her. She knew that she couldn’t keep everything from him – it was just a shame that, when she left college, she had already started the chain reaction that led her to this -the chain reaction that led her today. As she struggled to find anything positive about her life, to tell him, a tear rolled down her cheek. Kirk took hold of her hand and gave it a squeeze letting her know – he was there. Kim knew what it meant. Another tear rolled down her cheek. She desperately wanted to tell him – tell him everything.
“What is it?” asked Kirk as he ignored Tracy as she stood next to Kim, giving her evil looks. He knew to ignore Tracy. He knew she was in his mind. Even so – it was the first time he had actually wanted to ignore her. He wanted to talk to Kim. “What’s wrong?”
He squeezed her hand again.
“I’m scared,” she said.
“You don’t have to be scared. I’m here. You’re safe with me. What’s wrong? What is it you want to tell me?” he risked her clamming up completely again but sensed that he was close to finding out exactly what was wrong. He sensed that she wanted to tell him; she wanted to share her secrets.
“You won’t understand. You won’t want me here,” continued Kim. She hoped that Kirk would reassure her that he would understand and that he would want her there. She wanted him to reassure her that she could tell him everything and he wouldn’t think any different of her.
Kirk whispered to her, as though a lowered tone of voice would be more convincing, “You can tell me anything. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere.” It was the answer that she wanted. “Whatever it is – I’ll help you through it.” He could sense Tracy was seething. She could seethe all she wanted; he’d worry about that later.
“Promise me,” said Kim. It didn’t matter if he did or didn’t make the promise. She had already decided; she had already made up her mind.
“I promise,” he said. “We all have our secrets.”
9
THERE WAS A TIME when Leon used to take Kim out; proud to be seen with her - proud to have her on his arm. For the first few years of their relationship those times were frequent and varied with regards to the activities undertaken. Sometimes they’d go to the pictures to see a new movie, sometimes they would go to a nice restaurant, sometimes he’d be happy to take her to town where they’d dance and drink the night away. Kim liked those memories of Leon. Back then, he was a completely different man to the one that sat opposite her now. Now she didn’t know what he was – she didn’t know what he had become and she didn’t know whether she was the reason he had become like this. It was as though, overnight, his whole personality had changed. Whereas before he had loved and cherished Kim, now he thought nothing of her. She believed he must have thought nothing of her – to ask this of her.
Leon didn’t know Jackie when she was first diagnosed with cancer. He hadn’t been there and he didn’t know what both Jackie and Kim had gone through to beat the disease. The second time Jackie was diagnosed with cancer, too late to save her, Kim was working as a nursery school teacher where she, one day, hoped to follow in her mum’s footsteps. As her mum progressively got worse Kim knew she would have to leave her job to care for her, full time. Jackie was adamant that she should continue to work but Kim wasn’t having any of it. She wanted to be there for her mum, for the second time. Unfortunately Leon didn’t understand. He always believed that Kim should continue to work and they could always get someone else in to look after Jackie, when the disease required her to move in with Leon and Kim. Leon had always said that the bills wouldn’t pay themselves and he was right. As the bills piled up and they struggled to cope on his wages – he blamed Kim. Jackie couldn’t help being ill. It wasn’t her fault. Leon wasn’t close to his family as he grew up and didn’t understand why Kim had to be by her side day and night. Kim had tried explaining but all Leon saw was the mounting pile of unpaid bills and final reminders.
Kim looked at Leon in disbelief. She had wanted to laugh but, deep down and with the way Leon had been acting recently, she knew there was no way he could be joking. She knew he was serious.
“Take it as a compliment,” he said to her, late one evening, after he had got back from Frank’s house. Frank was his friend since college. He wasn’t particularly good-looking and was normally shy around Kim – rarely daring to even say a word to her other than the usual ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’. Around Kim his mouth was normally closed but his eyes were always open; open and looking in her direction.
After one too many drinks Frank, in a drunken state, had told Leon that he’d pay good money to be able to fuck Kim. He had explained, in graphic detail, how he’d like to hit her from behind. He had explained, with slurring speech, how Leon was so lucky to have a woman like Kim with him. He had explained how, at times, he wished he could be Leon just to get close to Kim – closer then the usual confines of ‘friends’, not that Kim even really saw her and Frank as friends. She was indifferent. Regardless, Frank explained exactly how he felt about Kim. Leon, on the other hand, listened with a sickly, sweet illegal substance flowing through his veins. The sickly, sweet illegal substance that both helped Leon forget about his money pro
blems, and also helped add to them.
“How could you say that you love me and then ask me to do this?” asked Kim. Her voice was quiet. Recently Leon had been quick to lose his temper and she didn’t want to upset him – never mind the fact that she found his suggestions insulting and degrading.
“I do love you but we need the money,” said Leon. “If you had stayed at work instead of here, with your mum, we wouldn’t be in this financial mess.” He didn’t give her a chance to respond. He knew she’d only say that she had to be there for her mum. He didn’t care. “We are two months behind in the rent. They could evict us anytime now and then where will we go? Your mum chose to be here instead of a hospital – where would she go?”
Kim started crying. She knew where her mum would go. She’d end up in a hospital. Jackie didn’t want to be in a hospital. Not now. The doctors had told her the cancer had spread quickly and there was nothing more they could do for her other than to try and make her as comfortable as possible. Jackie had said that she’d only be comfortable if she were allowed home – with her daughter. The hospital arranged for a bed to be brought to the house, and set up in the lounge, for Jackie and frequent visits were now part of the daily routine; checking that she was as okay as anyone could be in that position. Kim couldn’t let her mum go back to the hospital.
