by Matt Shaw
Kim coughed hard as the cocaine hit the back of her throat for the first time; a weird, yet strangely pleasant, sensation that left a funny taste in her mouth. It wasn’t long before her mouth, even her teeth, felt numb to the touch and she couldn’t help but to keep running her tongue across her front teeth. She knew she was in trouble because of what she had done and yet, now, she didn’t care quite as much. Her mind was awash with a newfound confidence. As she sat there feeling the pleasant effects of the cocaine she realised that she didn’t have to sit here and wait to be found. She didn’t need to wait for them to be found. With all the money she had raised, through working, there’d be enough to get away from it all – at least to another city where no one would know her. Another city where she may get the chance to live a normal life; something she craved ever since Jackie got sick for the second time and it was taken away from her.
Kim picked herself up from the floor and stepped over Leon’s body, leaving bloody footprints, as she went back into the main bedroom and towards the cupboard that contained the small safe Leon had purchased with some of the money. He didn’t trust banks with his money and didn’t trust the strangers that frequented the bedroom so made the safe one of the first purchases – somewhere safe to keep his money. But there was no money inside.
The safe door opened to reveal more silver wraps and a syringe – evidently Leon hadn’t just started taking cocaine but had also been experimenting with other drugs. Kim couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe how stupid she had been not to recognise any signs. She knew he had changed, for the worse, and had mood problems but she had always put it down to stress. She never thought that he’d be involved with drugs. In hindsight it was obvious there was something more to his personality change and sudden greed of money but love, and a desperate hope of normality, had blinded her. How could she have been so stupid? Her heart sank as she dropped to her knees – a feeling of helplessness washed over her again, drowning out the effects of the cocaine, as she felt trapped once more. With no money there was nowhere she could run to. There was no way of escaping her crimes. Her mind clouded over with images of prison, and what she could expect from her actions, until they were interrupted with the sound of a telephone; Leon’s mobile phone ringing in his trouser pocket – his trousers that were thrown over the chair ready for him just to throw on. Leon didn’t have a personal mobile phone. He only ever carried the work phone around with him; the ringing alerting him that another client wanted to see Kim.
This time the phone was telling Kim more than that. It was telling her that there was a way out of this mess. All she had to do was take the calls and insist on seeing the clients in their houses or hotels only; don’t let them come to her house – don’t let them see Leon. The phone was telling her, this time, that all she had to do was work for one more night, as many appointments as she physically could, to raise enough money to get as far away as possible. She stood up and ran over to the trousers before taking the phone from the left hand pocket.
She didn’t pause in answering it. She knew this was her best shot of getting away from it all. She knew it was her best shot of getting away with murder. More importantly – she knew that if she waited any longer to answer the phone, the person on the other end could quite easily think she was out and hang up.
“Hello?” she said, her voice shaking. It was the first time she had answered the phone to a potential booking. Leon had always taken care of that side of things – both to be sure she’d get the booking but also to make it look as though he deserved a cut of the money she made from the strangers. She listened to the stranger’s question before answering, “Yes, this is Stacey.” Stacey was her working name. She refused to use Kim. She believed that, if her mum could see her, her mum may not believe it was her daughter that she was watching, if she used a fake name. She hoped that her mum would believe it was someone else’s poor daughter that was on the game – someone that just happened to look similar to her own daughter.
“It’s your lucky day! I am free now,” said Kim to the stranger on the other end of the phone-line. She hurried over to the bedside cabinet and grabbed a pen and piece of paper from the drawer before scribbling down an address; Kirk’s address.
“I’ll see you soon,” she said before putting the phone down. The first appointment of the day was booked. All she had to do was get ready and out of the house before the other appointment arrived. She couldn’t go through with the appointment that was already arranged for the day – not with Leon in the bathroom.
13
“WAS THAT ME ON THE PHONE?” asked Kirk.
“Yes. Are you angry?”
Kirk didn’t say anything. There was nothing to be angry about. Not for him, anyway. He had called her and he understood why she answered the phone. She believed that she had to – to try and raise the money she needed. She was only trying to survive.
“Did you want me to leave now?” asked Kim worried from the lack of response from Kirk.
“No,” he said suddenly. “I’ve already said you can stay for as long as you need to. It’s not a problem.” He kept telling himself that it was self-defence that drove her to murder. She wasn’t a murderer. “He deserved it,” he said out loud. Kim smiled – she was grateful to Kirk. She was grateful for everything he was doing for her and she was grateful, even more so, that he understood her.
Kim smiled and looked away from him, embarrassed, “I bet you wish you never called me now.”
“I wish I had called you sooner,” he replied. She turned back to him and looked in his eyes. The windows of his soul showed her that he was being sincere. He meant everything he said to her. She wanted to lean in, close to him, hopeful that he’d lean in to her; hopeful that he’d kiss her. She didn’t lean in. It wasn’t the right time. She smiled again.
“Thank you for everything,” she said as she continued to look at Kirk. Kirk, on the other hand, didn’t look at her – he was looking to the floor as though he was in deep thought. He was in deep thought; trying to think of a way out of her predicament for her. “Would you mind if I had that bath now?” she asked hoping to break him from his trance-like state. He didn’t reply. “Kirk?” she continued.
“I’m sorry – I was miles away,” he looked up to her and smiled. It was a smile that tried desperately to hide his obvious worry for her. It was a smile that failed.
Kim chose to ignore it, “I said would you mind if I had that bath now?”
“No, not at all, I’ll show you where everything is.” He stood up, with Kim, and led her up the stairs to the bathroom. It was another white bathroom. Kim shook the images of all the men, she had slept with, from her mind as the hotel-style bathroom teased the memories to the forefront of her mind again. “Are you okay?” asked Kirk.
“I’m fine. Thanks again – for everything.”
Kirk smiled and pointed out the towel that hung from the rail, next to the radiator, “I’ll leave you to it. Just shout if you need anything.” With that he turned and walked from the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
Kim stood and stared at the door, momentarily, wondering whether Kirk was on his way down the stairs to phone the police. Part of her wanted to run and a bigger part of her wanted to be able to trust him. She pressed her ear close to the door – waiting to hear his voice. Instead of his voice, she heard a door close further down the landing. She put the negative thoughts of Kirk from her mind. Even if he did call the police, she knew that one day that’d probably catch up with her anyway and maybe, as he said, they would let her go due to the circumstances. She didn’t believe it enough to turn herself in but, if someone else turned her in – she’d have no choice but to try and believe. She ran the hot water, for her bath, and looked to her sorry reflection in the mirror. Whenever she looked into a mirror she always saw the worst; this sorry looking woman who fucked men for money. She never saw the woman that she really was – the victim. She closed her eyes. She knew Kirk didn’t see her in the same light she looked upon
herself with. She wondered; did he see her as a victim or did he see her as something more? The more Kirk was in her mind; the more she thought of him. Not all of the men she had appointments with were horrible to her but none of them came close to the kindness that Kirk offered. None of the other men seemed to be as human.
“He’s probably phoning the police right now,” whispered a voice from behind Kim. She opened her eyes and saw Leon, standing behind her, in the reflection of the mirror. She knew he wasn’t really there. Just as before, in the hotel room, it was her guilty subconscious haunting her; reminding her that she doesn’t have the right to think of anything other than her past actions. She doesn’t have the right to wonder whether she could ever lead a normal, happy life with Kirk.
“Do you really believe he holds any feelings for you, other than one of pity? You’re nothing. You’re less than nothing; a dirty, drug addicted whore. A murderer,” continued her subconscious.
She closed her eyes again hoping that Leon wouldn’t be there when she opened them. He was; pale skin with the wound still looking fresh across his throat.
“He’s calling the police right now. They’ll be coming for you soon. There’s nowhere you can run to – no one you can turn to. That’s it.”
Kim wanted to reply but didn’t. There was no point. Even with Leon’s sneering face staring at her, via the reflection – she knew he wasn’t really there to reply to. All that he was saying was just what she was thinking. Again, she shut her eyes tight. She knew the only way to silence ‘him’ was to talk to Kirk; talk to Kirk and find out how he felt about her current situation. More importantly, how he felt about her. He had to like her. She didn’t believe he was doing all of this for her because he felt sorry for her. There must have been something else to it. There had to be something more to it. She opened her eyes and Leon was gone. Kim turned back to the bath and turned the tap off. She had to talk to Kirk – if only to tell him how she thought she felt about him. She didn’t understand where the feelings had come from but she couldn’t ignore them as she hoped Kirk was her salvation – her path to a normal life. She couldn’t help but get carried away as, in her mind, Kirk said how much he loved her and would hide her away forever – he wouldn’t let anymore harm come to her and would keep her locked away from the people outside that were looking for her. She didn’t need anyone else in her life.
Kim took a deep breath before she opened the bathroom door and stepped onto the landing, “Kirk?” she half-heartedly called out. She wanted to talk to him but, at the same time, she was worried about his reaction. She knew she was being silly – he had been fine about everything else she had told him, so far, and this was nothing in comparison to what she had done to Leon. “Kirk?” she called again. Again, there was no reply. She stopped and listened carefully – trying to determine which room he had gone to after leaving her in the bathroom.
Kim took a breath in, ready to call out again, but stopped short of calling Kirk’s name again when she heard muffled voices coming from the first bedroom on the right hand side of the landing. She cautiously approached the door and gently pressed her ear against the wood – trying to hear who was talking. Kirk; she recognised his voice but not the second, quieter voice. She pressed her ear harder against the door.
“You know I love you,” said Kirk, in the other room, “I don’t know what you are getting jealous about.”
There was a muffled answer. The voice sounded quiet but there was a definite angry tone. Kim strained harder but couldn’t make the voice out.
“Don’t be stupid. Of course I’m going to be nice to her – look at what’s happened to her! Look at what she has been through these past few years,” said Kirk as he defended himself. “She’s a prostitute!”
Kim pulled her ear away from the door. She had heard enough. She had hoped Kirk was going to be the man in her life that she could trust but his words hurt her more than Leon’s violent outbursts. Her eyes welled-up and a tear trickled down her cheek before reaching the end and dropping to the floor. She stepped back away from the door unsure of her next move. She wanted to stay with Kirk for as long as possible but, whoever else was in the room, didn’t want her there.
Kim turned down the hallway and crept back into the bathroom – trying to be quiet so Kirk wouldn’t realise that she had been listening to his conversation. He had been kind to her and she didn’t want him feeling awkward.
When she got back into the bathroom she locked the door behind her in case the other person suddenly came charging in to confront her. She didn’t need that on top of everything else as well. Kim returned to the bathroom mirror and wiped another rogue tear from her cheek.
“You were stupid to think he’d want you, or even continue to help you,” said Leon as he stepped into the reflection behind Kim.
“Fuck you,” she whispered with another tear spilling from her eye.
“You belong with me,” said Leon as he opened the cabinet that was fixed to the side wall, next to the mirror. “Do yourself a favour. Do everyone a favour. Do the right thing. You don’t belong here.”
In her mind Leon pulled a razor blade from the cabinet and held it to Kim’s wrist. In reality – she had hold of the razor herself and Leon wasn’t there.
“It’s the only way of escaping what you’ve done. It’s the only way of escaping what you’ve become.” He pressed the edge of the blade into her vein, opening it up. Kim flinched at the sharp sting and screwed her eyes up tightly – not daring to see what she was doing.
“You belong with me,” continued Leon. He pulled the razor down the length of her main vein – slicing it deeply. More blood flowed out and spilled over onto the floor. He gently let go of her wrist and took a hold of her other arm.
In reality, Kim took hold of the razor with her other hand and pressed it into the vein on her other wrist. She opened her eyes to make sure she was in the correct position before…
Leon pressed the razor down hard, same as before, cutting deeply into the vein – freeing the blood. “You belong with me,” he repeated, “in Hell.”
Kim dropped the razor blade to the floor and screwed her eyes up tightly, once more, as she tried to block the pain out. The stinging sensation was worse than anything she had ever felt before. Tears started to flow more frequently as the pain increased.
“No one could ever love someone like you,” she said to herself as Leon cuddled in close behind her and kissed her neck.
“No one could have loved you as much as me,” said Leon.
14
IF KIM HAD CARRIED ON LISTENING at the door she would have heard Kirk say that he thought he had feelings for her. He said that it was time to let go of the past and that, now, he had a chance of finding happiness once more – even with the current circumstances. He didn’t know how he could fix things but he felt that it wasn’t too late to put things right for Kim; and, ultimately, himself. If Kim had continued to listen at the door she would have heard Kirk confess that he had feelings for her when he first saw her at college – when she first knew, and dismissed, him. Kim would have heard him say that he would never stop loving Tracy but there was room in his life for Kim as well. He said that, if Tracy loved him, she would understand how he felt; what he was going through. He said that Tracy should let him live his life, if she loved him. That was where the conversation stopped as Kirk walked from the room. He walked from the room to tell Kim how he felt. He walked from the room to reassure her that, although he didn’t know how, everything was going to be alright – for them both.
Kirk tapped gently on the door, so as not to startle Kim, and waited for her to answer him; waited for her to call that it was okay for him to enter. There was no reply. He knocked again, a little harder this time. Again, there was no reply.
“Kim,” he called through the door, “can I come in for a minute, please? There’s something I have to say to you.” He waited patiently for an answer but, again, no answer came. He thought that she could have fallen asleep in the bath. A s
afe, warm environment where people could often lock themselves away and forget about their problems; Kirk often fell asleep in the bath himself. He knocked again louder, hoping to wake her up. No reply.
Kirk tried the door handle; locked. Part of him felt a little offended that she would lock the door after he left. He had closed the door in the first place to give her the privacy she would have wanted – she didn’t need to lock him out. He would have left her to it. With the lack of replies coming from the bathroom, and with the noise he was making to get them, he couldn’t help but feel concerned.
