Never Forever

by Johnson, L. R.

  “Is there anyone else who would like to join him?” Mr. Bramble asks as he gazes scornfully around the room.

  For the rest of the lecture the class is uncomfortably quiet as he explains what he is expecting from our thesis. Occasionally I gaze around at all the immovable statues staring up at our Professor. Callum remains facing forward, but a sense of ease now envelops him instead of his once rigid frame. As soon as the lecture is over everyone bolts from their desks as if they are fleeing from the scene of a crime. Slowly I grab my things, trying to avoid eye contact with my Professor, hoping after our eventful class he has forgotten about meeting with Callum and I. Nonchalantly I stand up and try to exit.

  “Miss Hayes, where do you think you are going?” Mr. Bramble asks softly.

  As I turn around I notice that Callum is waiting at Mr. Bramble’s desk with a mischievous smile streaming across his face, “Oh, sorry, I forgot.”

  “That makes two of us. If it wasn’t for Callum coming up here and reminding me, I would have let you both leave without talking to you.”

  Instantly, I shoot Callum a lethal glare. Why is he so interested in working together again? The last time was a nightmare. Grabbing whatever strength I have left I head over to the desk. Another contraction suddenly bursts through me, causing me to quiver with pain as I hold onto my stomach.

  “Are you alright Miss Hayes?” My Professor asks.

  “Yes,” I utter softly, trying to hide the agony in my voice.

  “Good. I want to talk to you both about what happened during your tragedy discussion a while back. Everyone else did it, but you two. Why?”

  Callum immediately chimes in, “I have no idea. I was a willing participant until she stormed out. So you might want to bloody ask her.” Callum looks over at me with a luring expression, baiting me to answer the question.

  As I look at his arrogant face a surge of anger rushes through me. How can he question my reason for leaving now that he knows I am pregnant? “You absolute jerk. You now know why I left!”

  “I know one of the reasons, but I don’t know it all, like if you are married,” he barks back in response to my accusations. A lingering ripple of fear resonates within him.

  “And you will never know the rest. It is none of your business,” my trembling anger vibrates throughout my body now.

  “I think it is my bloody business, since I kissed you and I’m pretty positive you kissed me back, too,” he snaps back with an edge of disappointment and disgust vibrating through him.

  “How can you believe I kissed you back? I think I gave you a very strong response to your kiss.”

  “Oh, you bloody well did,” he states firmly, as he gently rubs the side of his face, remembering the pain, “I felt the sting of your response the rest of the night.”

  “Well then, what gave you any idea I wanted the kiss, least of all that I kissed you back?” This discussion is causing a rising wave of nausea to form in the pit of my stomach. Just the mere situation of having to talk about that night causes my stress and anger to escalate to an unsafe level.

  The corners of Callum’s mouth pull up in pure satisfaction over a lucid discovery he is apparently about to share with me. His caramel eyes twinkle with mischief as a wide smile spreads across his face, revealing deep dimples sinking into the sides of his cheeks, “You accepted my kiss at first, lingering there before you decided to slap me.”

  Just as I am about to share with him the logic behind my lingering lips, destroying his theory, Mr. Bramble butts in, “Wait a minute, is there something sexual going on with the two of you?”

  Caught off guard we both shout simultaneously, “NO!”

  Without warning a sharp pain explodes right through me, causing me to grab onto Callum’s arm for support. The throbbing agony is centered directly in my abdomen, but the pain vibrates throughout my back and down into my vaginal area. Grabbing onto his arm I begin squeezing it firmly, trying to fight the torture ripping through me.

  “Ouch! Bloody hell, Breanna! What are you doing?” Callum’s obvious pain I am putting him through vibrates within his voice, causing his voice to lower and tremble.

  The intense agony I am going through isn’t allowing me to talk. All I can do is hold onto Callum’s arm for some kind of stability. Severe pressure pushes down on me, as if something is ripping me open from the inside. I begin focusing all my attention on my breathing, trying to survive this penetrating attack. Slowly the contraction eases up, and for a brief moment my breathing seems as if it is going to stabilize, but no sooner than the sensation of respite tickles my body, another intense contraction immediately seizes down on me. This time the cramping within my abdomen reaches an excruciating level. The only thing I am able to utter is, “Help!”

  Mr. Bramble jumps to his feet and hastily announces, “She is in labor!”

  “What?” anxiety slashes through Callum’s question.

  “She is going to have her baby any moment,” his voice is firm and full of authority. “Mr. Hughes, I need you to take her to the hospital, now.”

  “Why me? Shouldn’t you take her? You’re the bloody professor,” honest terror of what to do vibrates within his voice and oozes off of his petrified body.

  “I cannot, I have another lecture. Besides…”

  “I don’t give a shit who takes me! Someone just help me!” I shout.

  All of a sudden the realization of how serious of a situation this is for me rings heavily within Callum’s action. Reaching down, he immediately swings me up into his awaiting arms and begins rushing me out of the building. Wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, I bury my head into his chest as I fight the intense cramping pushing down on me. Tears roll down from my eyes as the fear of what is about to take place consumes me. I am fully aware of how my child is going to enter the world, but I am not ready yet. I always had dreams of when my child would come into this world to the awaiting arms of its parents. Dreams of both a mother and father there, gushing over the miracle being placed in their grasp. While they stare down at their child, realizing they are now a family. But instead of that fantasy, I am now being rushed to the hospital in the arms of an almost stranger, to greet my child all alone, robbed of the wondrous family event.

  Reacting to my apprehension I mumble softly into Callum’s chest, “I’m scared.”

  Pressing me tightly against his firm, muscular chest, he utters softly onto the top of my head, “It will be okay. I promise.”

  He continues rushing through the campus, ignoring all the shouts and curious eyes gazing in our direction. He tightens his grip on me as he pulls out his phone, calling for an ambulance. The trembling distress and exhaustion shows in his voice as he tells the mysterious person where to meet us. Callum pushes his way past several crowds with expertise. Making our way through the masses of people swarming all around us takes some skill. And by the ease of his movements I can tell he has had some experience pushing his way through crowds.

  Everything around me seems to be moving in slow motion as Callum rushes to the rendezvous spot he has arranged. Every detail and every sound washes heavily over me as we move across the campus. The warm sun rolls over my body, heating me all the way throughout my core. The sighs, gasps, and occasional birds singing merge delicately with the heavy panting coming from Callum’s mouth. His breathing, while heavy, rolls out an unchanging rhythm. Focusing in on his steady, fervent breathing, I am able to remain in some kind of control. Laying my head against his chest I begin counting each one of his breaths, as I focus intently on the embroidery of his thin sweater. I notice every cross stitch and detail of the thread used in forming it. Each movement his chest makes lulls me deeper into a state of hypnosis. The intense pain is still pushing down on me, but following his breathing is allowing me to endure each wave of contractions.

  I try to put the fear of the situation out of my mind as he hastily cuts his way amongst the main section of the campus. Suddenly I hear him yell towards someone, “Here we are. She’s in a lot of pain
. You’re going to need to rush her there.”

  Another set of hands grab onto me, attempting to take me from Callum. Wrapping my arms even tighter around Callum’s neck I hold on for dear life, refusing to let go, “No! Don’t touch me.”

  “Breanna, it’s okay. These are the paramedics. They are going to take you to the hospital,” he breathlessly adds, as he tries removing my hands from around his neck.

  My fear completely takes over me. The only thing that has helped me remain in some sort of control has been focusing on Callum’s steady breathing, and now he wants to take it away. I wrap my hands even tighter around his neck as I bury my head into his firm chest. I can’t do this. I can’t do this all alone. Waves of intense cramping intermingled with a deep surging anguish, flood my body. The echo of my life I once had calls to me from the corners of my mind, leaving me to only feel the want that will never come. As I grip even tighter onto Callum a wave of comfort radiates from his enveloping arms. This familiar sensation triggers in me some kind of feeling of security amidst the abandonment I am succumbing to.

  “I can’t do this alone. I can’t!” I forcefully mumble, as my tears freely fall. Everything I have been holding in now explodes, allowing the deep anger and pain to release from me like giant flood waters overpowering a dam. My tears saturate his sweater as I begin sobbing uncontrollably. My breathless and shaking voice vibrates against his chest while I keep repeating over and over, “Don’t let go of me. Please don’t let go of me.”

  Callum places his hand firmly against the back of my head, holding onto me tightly. Bending down he whispers softly into my ear, “I promise I won’t let go of you.” Turning towards the E.M.T. he utters fervently, “I am bloody going with her.”

  The paramedic gazes towards us with a firm, annoyed expression, “I can’t mate, not unless you are a family member or the baby’s father.”

  Callum’s muscles tighten around me as I bellow in agony with another onslaught of contractions forming within me. “Look ‘mate,’ she is not about to let go of me and I am most definitely not about to let go of her. So, either you let us both in this bloody ambulance or I am going to run her there myself,” his livid voice resonates throughout the whole vicinity, causing a large herd of students now forming around us to jump back in shock.

  The emergency worker looks all around at the crowd, taking in every reaction that is now being verbalized. Turning his head sharply towards Callum he states flatly, “Fine, but when we get to the hospital you can be the one to tell them who you are. As far as I am concerned, for the sake of this girl, you are family.”

  They open the back of the ambulance, allowing Callum to gingerly maneuver his way in while still carrying me in his arms. Lying within the small but safe boundaries of the ambulance is a narrow gurney off to one side. A thin white sheet lay over the top of it. At three different locations there are thick black straps to hold a patient firmly against the stretcher. On the opposite side of the gurney are two single seats, mainly for the paramedics, but in this case one will now be occupied by Callum.

  Callum proceeds towards the awaiting gurney, “I promise I won’t leave, but I need to put you here.”

  As he bends over the gurney I reluctantly let go, landing on the hard cold surface. All the emergency workers instantly swarm around me, forcing Callum out of the way. Panic envelops me as they begin pushing and probing all over. My breathing increases as waves of anxiety pulsate throughout my overstimulated mind. One of the paramedics says something about having to remove my pants and undergarments, but his words sound as if he is speaking down a long tunnel. Everything dances around me like a kaleidoscope of smeared colors and muffled noises. Out of the corner of my eye I notice something pushing its way through the wall of paramedics. Then suddenly something warm grabs hold of my hand, squeezing it softly. A warm wave of comfort rolls through me, relaxing my rigid muscles. Any sense of modesty is thrown out the window in this situation, and honestly it is the furthest idea from my mind. At this point I don’t care if I am flashing the entire city.

  A whirl of emotions spins rapidly throughout my mind. Though Callum irritates me on multiple levels, I am so grateful for his presence right now. Grabbing onto his hand I close my eyes, allowing my tears to freely flow again. One of the paramedics’ voices cuts through the mumbling commotion, uttering, “We may have to deliver the baby in the ambulance if we don’t get her there soon.”

  Turning towards me the paramedic adds instantly, “I need you to breathe through your contractions. If you feel the need to push, I need you to blow hard, trying not to push if you can.”

  “I can’t do this,” I stammer out. My voice trembles violently under the pressure from all of my nerves.

  “Yes, you can,” Callum replies.

  “No, I can’t. You don’t understand. My body is bearing down whether I want it to or not. I can’t stop it,” I state, with a thick layer of apprehension vibrating within my voice. The heavy pressure pushing down on me is unbearable. All I want to do is push, but I can’t. My abdomen tightens up like a hard rock with every rolling contraction and does not seem to be easing up at all.

  Callum’s grip tightens on mine as he gently adds, “Just do what they are telling you to do…breathe.” I can hear his slow breathing take on a rhythmic tone. He slowly breathes in for a steady count and then gently blows out, as if he is just causing the flame on a candle to flicker slightly. I gaze at him through the tiny sliver between all the paramedics standing around me. Watching his mouth and chest move at a steady, rhythmic pattern, I begin mimicking his breathing, trying to slow mine to match his. Control gradually washes over me as I gaze down at our fingers intertwined. Suddenly I notice his thumb gently forming circles on the top of my hand. This simple action instantly brings to my mind a vision from my recent past. This mere tender display of sympathy gives me the strength I have been searching for. Gripping onto his hand I fight the urge to want to push.

  Gratefully the ambulance comes to a stop and the back door flies open. A sea of nurses and paramedics rush around the back of the ambulance, hastily carrying the gurney out. Callum’s grip tightens up, never letting go of my hand, forcing him to have to nearly jump out of the ambulance.

  As we rush through the double doors, one of the nurses turns towards Callum. Placing her hand firmly against his chest, she utters authoritatively, “Excuse me, but you can’t come in here unless you are the baby’s father.”

  “What?”

  “I am sorry sir, but only the husband or father of the baby is allowed in the delivery room. Those are the rules. You can wait in the waiting room, where someone will come and get you…”

  “No! I need him to be with me. You don’t understand,” I immediately intervene, as another wave of sharp cramping washes through me, causing my heart rate to increase.

  The nurse turns towards me. Seeing the sheer distress and agony within my face she looks down and notices my hand gripping fiercely onto Callum’s. Bending down she whispers into my ear, “I need you to nod yes at the next question I am going to ask. Do you understand?” I shake my head in affirmation as she stands up, gazing directly into my eyes. “Is this man the father of your child?” she asks, pointing towards Callum.

  Shifting my eyes back and forth between Callum and the nurse, trepidation pushes down on me. If I tell her the truth then I will have to go through this all alone, but if I answer yes then I am betraying my heart and everything that is real. A hot surge forming in my heart seeps out with poisonous shocks of sorrow. I am alone. No matter how much I wish my life would have turned out different, this is my world now. My mind knows it and my heart accepts it, but right now I can’t be alone, I need someone. I cannot go through this experience by myself. Though this is not the person I want by my side, fate put him here and I will not let him go.

  Taking in a deep breath I slowly gaze up into the nurse’s eyes, “Yes. He is the father of my child.”

  Callum instantly turns towards me. His eyes narrow, forcing the fu
rrow between them to deepen in hesitation. Gazing back at him I plead with my eyes for him to participate in this charade. I know this is not how he is hoping to spend his day, but something threw us together and there is no way he is going to leave now. His eyes suddenly soften, revealing a hint of a smile creeping into the corners of his mouth. Compassionately he squeezes my hand, reassuring me, once again, that he isn’t going to leave. I renew my tight grip on his hand and the nursing staff begins to hastily push us through the large double doors into the awaiting delivery room. As the doors close, so too does my past and a new world now lies ahead of me.

  Welcome to the Real World

  My eyes remain affixed to the large light hanging right over my head as waves of muffled uproar envelop around me. A strong beam from the overhead light pushes down on me, warming my body to the very core. A sense of calm comes over my heightened body as I hear a low, soothing voice cutting through the chaos.

  “You are doing great, Breanna. It is almost over. Push! Push!”

  “Aaahhh!” As I bear down an abrupt sensation of feeling like I am being ripped in half sears through me. Then all of a sudden all the pain and agony I have been going through dissipates like a destructive tsunami finally receding back into the ocean. Cutting through the air, like a glorious call to me, is a high-pitched cry. The sound pierces me to my very core, causing a deep sensation of unimaginable love to fill the loneliness which has been consuming me.

  “You have a beautiful baby boy,” the doctor announces as he holds him up.

  Without warning he places my baby on top of my stomach. Tears of joy begin to freely flow as I gaze down at this tiny and magnificent child. His dark hair frames his miniature features, as he looks up at me with an almost celestial understanding. As our eyes meet for the first time, an exchange of complete understanding of whom he is and who he is a part of, passes between us. The room that once held a sea of commotion is now so quiet even the doctor is beginning to whisper out of respect.