Never Forever

by Johnson, L. R.

  Looking away from Olivia I refuse to answer her. I highly doubt Callum told her anything about our kiss. I am sure he is disgusted with it and would prefer to keep the surreptitious kiss private. I am not even sure how I feel about it. Conundrums of emotions roll around within me. I teeter-totter between feeling ashamed and feeling an undeniable gravitational pull towards him. It is like a schoolgirl crush on steroids. The angrier I get at myself the more my mind replays the entire event. I can still feel his firm, protective arms around me as he rushes to meet the ambulance. I can hear his gentle, warm commands encouraging me through the whole process. He never left my side. I saw such a compassionate part of him, which left me with a resonating feeling of coming home again. But after we kissed I was only left to feel like a used rag, dirty. Looking up at her I utter, “What are you talking about?”

  “Bloody Hell! What happened? Both you and Callum are tight lipped about the details.”

  Immediately I look up at her, “What did he tell you?”

  “Just that you went into labor right after your lecture and he went with you to the hospital. He told me he was able to witness the most miraculous event. I have never seen Callum look so happy and exhausted at the same time. And that is saying a lot.”

  “Well, if that is all he told you, then he divulged everything.” Opening the cab door I grab the handle of the car seat, awkwardly getting out of the cab. Turning to say goodbye to Olivia I notice she is now standing next to me, paying the cabbie for his service. “What are you doing? You don’t need to walk me into my flat too.”

  Completely ignoring me she grabs some of my things, proceeding to walk into the building as if she knows exactly where she is going. I watch her quizzically as she walks towards the correct flat. A strange sense of fear rushes through me. She has never been to my flat before. How does she know where I live? “Olivia, how did you know which flat is mine?”

  A huge smile spreads across her face as she beckons me with a quick sideways nod to come and follow her. Hesitation rolls up my back, causing the hair on my arms to stand straight up. A hint of something mischievous lingers in the corners of her smile. My feet are like lead anchoring me to this very spot. I am not about to move until I know how she found out where I live.

  Olivia notices my trepidation and calls out, “Breanna, stop being ridiculous, I am your friend, not a bloody stalker. I will tell you how I know which flat is yours, but first you need to come in.

  Resolving to trust her I walk over to my door and open it up. Disbelief washes over me as I stand in the doorway in complete shock. Immense heat forming in my chest explodes out, causing tears to freely flow. I have never seen anything so beautiful. There in one corner of my tiny flat is a spectacular oak crib fully decorated in a soft blue palette. Every piece of furniture has been arranged to flawlessly fit within my tiny space. On one side of the crib is a matching dark oak dresser. Flanking the opposite side is a beautiful light blue club chair. The quality of the furniture is something I could never have afforded but have dreamed about.

  This act of incredible kindness I have never experienced before. My heart swells with emotion as I take in this act of love. Closing my eyes tightly I try to fight back the flowing tears, but it is to no avail. I have always had to struggle for just the basic necessities in life, never thinking I would ever be able to have something so beautiful for my son. To save on money, I was just planning on purchasing a portable crib.

  Grabbing the handle to the infant car seat I carry sleeping Noah into the flat. As I approach the miraculous gift I notice all the intricately carved details to the crib and dresser. These pieces look as if they stepped right out of history. The antique quality to each piece shows they have come from nobility. The elaborate carvings on each piece of furniture show that a skillful woodworker took his time in cutting each piece. On the inside of the headboard is carved a family crest bearing a capital H in the middle of it. My fingertips gently stroke the top rail, tracing every shape and detail etched into the wood.

  The soft blue and white toile bedding fits the vintage feel flawlessly. Plush bumper pads encircle the inner edges of the crib, ending perfectly on top of the layers of toile pattern and checkered bed skirt. Thrown over the side rail is a plush blanket awaiting the use of its future inhabitant.

  As I look at this unfathomable gift I mumble in a soft, tearful voice, “Thank you, Olivia. Thank you.”

  Olivia’s hand gently wraps around mine, “Don’t thank me. This was all Callum’s idea.”

  Instant shock pierces my mind, causing chills to race throughout my body. Confusion flusters me, making it nearly impossible to talk. “What? I don’t understand. This was Callum’s idea? Why?” I stammer out.

  “Callum told me that before he left the hospital he got your address off of the hospital records and then drove to your flat. He had someone let him into…”

  “Who?” I interrupt, “And how?”

  “God knows. That boy is so smooth he can probably talk the queen into giving him her crown.” A large, proud smile spreads across her face, “He is a perfect combination of power and persuasion. Once he finally knows what he wants, neither Heaven nor Hell will be able to stop him from getting it.”

  A soft laugh exhales through my nose as I recall his forceful conversation with the paramedics. He was going to get in the ambulance with me and there was nothing they could do to stop it. There is a definite persuasive air to him.

  “So you are going to have to ask him the details about how he actually got in. But once he was in he noticed you had nothing prepared for when you brought your baby home.” Walking over to the top portion of the crib she gently traces the crest engraved into the ornate oak crib. “You know, your baby must have made quite an impression on him.”

  I watch as she strokes the crib. Her voice had lowered to a contemplative tone, one that I had not yet heard in her before.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, completely confused by her statement. The only impression I thought I left him with was one of shame and embarrassment.

  Turning towards me she states, “This isn’t just any crib set, this was Callum’s. It has been in our family for generations.”

  Disbelief and shock floods my body as I try to understand why he would let Noah use his crib set. “Why would he do this?” I utter softly under my breath. Everything about him confuses me on a profound level. I can’t figure him out. One minute he is arguing with me and then the next he kisses me, followed by ignoring me, then becoming my hero, kissing me again, running away, and now this. I was beginning to get comfortable with hating him, but now all the emotions I had for him in the hospital return. A warm sensation invades my entire body, causing a tingling feeling to rush through me.

  “He had it brought over to your flat. Then he asked me to help him pick out a baby set for the crib.” She turns towards me, revealing a softer side. Usually her breathtaking looks are encased within a shell of sarcasm and spitfire. But this time her true beauty shines forth, unprotected and vulnerable, “I hope you like it.”

  Uncontrolled tears stream down my face. “Like it. I absolutely love it.” My gruff voice muffles as a multitude of emotions flood my body.

  Olivia tenderly wraps her arm around me. Pulling me closer to her she utters softly, “Then why are you crying?”

  Using the back of my hand like a napkin I begin aggressively wiping the tears away. “There are so many reasons. Most of them you wouldn’t understand, but there is one I am completely confused about.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Trepidation rolls deep within my gut. I have no idea how to tell her and when I do, what is she going to think? If I don’t even comprehend what is going on, how can I expect her to know? My mind and heart seem to be battling over what they feel is right. My heart is telling me no, to hold onto what is true and right, but my mind is telling me that it is okay to feel again. But I am no longer a single person anymore who can make mistakes and have them only affect me. I now bring a child along
on this rollercoaster of life. I have no idea if Callum is just looking for fun, but my only way of finding out is to tell Olivia. Turning towards Olivia I look into her eyes and just spit it out, “Callum and I kissed.”

  “I know, but when you slapped him I think he got the picture,” she states, with an air of confusion dancing on the tips of each word.

  “No, we kissed again in the hospital. But this time I kissed him back. I don’t know why. Maybe it was just the intense situation we both were in, but there was something to the kiss. But…” Hesitation swirls within my mouth as I notice Olivia’s shocked expression. Her eyes are about as wide as her mouth, causing a sick, shameful sensation to curdle my stomach.

  “Bloody Hell!” is the first thing out of her mouth, then after a long pause she asks questionably, “We are talking about my arse of a brother, right?”

  “Yes.” I state, in a slow, reassuring way.

  “Well, that explains all of this,” she affirms, as she points towards the beautiful gift he left for me to discover. Turning back towards me, she looks deep in my eyes. “But I thought you hated him.”

  “I do…I did…I don’t know. I thought I did, but when we were in the hospital together he revealed a part of himself that reminds me of someone I miss.” Turning my back to Olivia I continue, “I needed him at that time and he was not about to leave me. There was a bond formed between us…so I thought.”

  “What do you mean, so you thought?”

  Turning back towards Olivia I notice she is now sitting in the club chair leaning forward, listening to me intently. Her eyes are no longer as wide as saucers, but instead they are now narrow with a deep furrow between them. A distorted twist to her face reveals a curious misunderstanding, as if she is cognizant of some sort of information I am missing.

  “Well, after we kissed everything changed. He looked at me with an expression of regret and became very cold and distant. At a moment when I should have felt joy, he made me feel cheap. I should have trusted my first impression and avoided him like the plague.”

  My tears begin to flow freely, again. Sorrow rips through my heart, slashing at whatever pieces I have left. I can’t take anymore loss. The weight of the past year pushes down on me, causing me to collapse under the enormous pressure. Damned up emotions explode within me like flood waters destroying everything within their grasp. I have been successfully able to run from my pain and tragedy until now. It is funny how something so immature and meaningless can break down the wall I have successfully built around my heart.

  Burying my head in my hands I begin to release my internal pain and suffering. My breathing vibrates against my chest from the sobbing motion I am making. A soft, warm hand presses gently against my back. “If I could, I would kill my brother, but you need to understand something about him first.”

  Gaining enough control over my emotions I am able to talk slightly, “Olivia, you don’t understand. I have repressed my emotions over the past year and whether good or bad, Callum has allowed me to let it go. I have not completely cried over my circumstance. No matter how hard it is for me to let go, I have to.”

  “I am confused. Please don’t let go of Callum yet.” Olivia’s eyes are moist and filled with sincere sympathy.

  “I am letting go of my husband.”

  Olivia’s hand suddenly drops as she backs up, completely taken aback by what I have just divulged. “Your bloody what? Please don’t tell me my brother has been pulled into an affair.”

  Wiping my tears away I utter softly, trying to not lose control again. “No. My late husband… who… died eight months ago.” The deep furrow between her eyes returns. I can see the wheels in her mind turning, trying to figure everything out. “I married my best friend and true love as soon as I turned eighteen. He was my savior in more ways than one. I could have never imagined my world without him in it. He was my… everything. One month after we were married I got a call that he had been involved in a serious car crash and was being taken to the hospital.”

  Warm, salty tears pour down my face as I relive the worst night of my life. The vision of that night opens up, allowing me to recall every detail. The cold, sterile feel of the hospital matched my numb, empty feeling, as if I was walking in a dream. The rush of people swarming all around me mimicked my chaotic mind. Everything within me seemed to be moving in slow motion as I headed to a private section of the emergency room. “As I rushed into the emergency room, I was led back to the secluded room. As I walked into his room the man lying on the gurney did not look like my husband. This man’s body was broken, bloody and bruised, making him unrecognizable. My mind kept telling me over and over that this could not be Andrew. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that it was a dream, the reality of what had happened screamed in my face. He couldn’t die. That is a selfish thing to do and he is not a selfish man. The choice was in neither of our hands, though. I didn’t want him to leave me, but no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen, I knew deep down he wasn’t going to survive this. His injuries were too extensive. I held his battered and bruised hand and,” I close my eyes tightly trying to fight back the tears, “watched him leave this world. A huge part of my heart died that night with him.”

  I look up at Olivia’s shocked and sorrowful face. “My nightmare was not over yet. The universe was about to throw one more challenge at me.” As I close my eyes again I can see and smell every detail. The different types of sweet Jell-O salad, funeral casserole, and many different combinations of heavy amounts of cologne flood my senses. “The day of his funeral I had been extremely sick. I had to just power through that day with a detached sense of obligation. I thought it was just the stress and emotional heartache I was under until one of Andrew’s friends jokingly asked if I was pregnant. It was no joke. I found out that night, the same day as his funeral, that I was in fact pregnant. So there I was, an eighteen year old pregnant widow.”

  As I open my eyes I notice that Olivia’s face is completely soaked by the tears freely flowing down her. Her contorted face is now mirroring my broken down expression. We both sit here in complete silence as the thick, depressive atmosphere within the room envelops us in sorrow and pain. I never meant to share my burden with anyone, least of all my one and only friend here, but now that I have a heavy weight has been lifted. The affliction I have been carrying is now floating all around us and can finally dissipate. I have been bearing the weight of that for so long, though it is a heavy burden for Olivia, I now can breathe. At last I can hope to let go, whereas before, I had no hope.

  Olivia’s eyes are transfixed onto the floor, while she shakes her head back and forth. “Blimey. Knock me down with a feather.”

  Instantly I look up at her with a taken-back expression. “What in the hell does that mean?”

  Olivia looks over at me, instantly remembering that I am not from here. A wide smile spreads across her face as she tries to muffle a snicker forming within her. An immediate transforming sensation comes over me. All the pain and sorrow bubbling within me burst into a hilarious rolling freight train. No matter how hard I try to contain it I can’t stop the laughter from coming. A loud, rolling laugh explodes from my mouth, followed by an incredibly embarrassing snort.

  Huge bursts of giggles roll out of Olivia’s mouth, “What was that sound?” she states, referring to my lovely pig-like snort. I don’t usually make that sound, but because of the heavy emotional shift happening within me the snort was coming out whether I like it or not.

  We both just lose control and begin laughing hysterically. The swing of emotions causes my body to tremble. No matter how hard I try to stop laughing I can’t. Everything within me embraces this change in my emotions. The giggles form in the pit of my stomach, where my intense pain once resided. This new sensation is a welcome change, but is also sending my body into a state of exhaustion.

  Our hysteria slowly subsides, leaving us feeling confused and fatigued. I have no idea whether to laugh or cry again. A forceful sigh escapes my mouth as I
stare at Olivia gratefully. “Please don’t tell anyone my situation, especially Callum.”

  Her eyes widen as she slowly regains her control, “This time I will not let it slip, I promise.” Her body relaxes slightly as she takes on a more serious tone, “But I wish that you would tell Callum.” I immediately try to interrupt, but she lifts her hand, stopping me before I can utter a single word. “You have more in common than you realize. I promise I will not tell him, but you also need to drop your prejudices towards him. You are judging him by his cover and that is unfair. Not everything you think about him is true. There are things from his past constantly nipping at his heels. I know he can be an arse sometimes, but he is my arse and I would do anything for him. And I know he would do anything for the ones he cares about.” Her eyes scan to the beautiful crib set he set up in my flat. “At least think about it.”

  I silently gaze at her as I take in all the emotions I have been through today. Miraculously Noah has been able to sleep through the whole thing. I stare at him, envious of his innocence and simple life. What I wouldn’t give to have a simple, untainted life. My life has never had an innocent, blank slate. From my birth I have had colors scattered all over me. Some have formed beautiful pictures, while others just have been random streaks of mindless scribbles.

  I can’t see how Olivia thinks that Callum and I have a lot in common. He comes from a very different world than me. He comes from a home with a mother and father. He is somewhat close to his sister. They come from a long line of aristocracy and privilege. I, on the other hand, am an eighteen year old mother and widow who comes from an alcoholic mother and a mysterious one night stand father. The space between us is wider than she realizes.