Law and Peace

by Tim Kevan

  Tuesday 11 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 11): Worrier returns

  Who should I bump into at court today but a blast from my recent past. I realised it was her before I saw her by the sound of her voice asking question after question of the person she was with. Yes, it was Worrier and I was against her. Well, against her barrister anyway, as she’s now crossed over the profession and is working for a firm of solicitors. He had been the one fielding all the questions. When I saw her, I caught her eye and went straight over.

  ‘Worrier, what a pleasure.’ Despite all her foibles, it really was good to see her.

  ‘Hello, BabyB, how are you? How funny to be against you!’

  ‘Exactly. How are you?’

  ‘Oh. Very well. I think being a solicitor is definitely for me.’

  You don’t say, I thought.

  ‘It’s funny I should bump into you today,’ she continued, ‘since only yesterday I received a very mysterious email from TopFirst asking about you.’

  ‘Oh, yes, what did he have to say?’ I must have looked a little thrown as Worrier suddenly started shifting her gaze and mumbling that perhaps she had said too much. She changed the subject and I didn’t want to push her on it any further.

  Now I just have to find out what else he’s up to.

  Wednesday 12 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 11): Ewe-turn if you want to

  Everyone was discussing BigMouth’s case in chambers tea today.

  ‘I just can’t believe it,’ said TheCreep. ‘One minute they’re all guns blazing, the next they’ve got the white flag flying. You must have really socked it to them, OldSmoothie.’

  Whilst I don’t think OldSmoothie had a clue as to what had gone on behind the scenes, he wasn’t about to play down his moment of victory. As far as he was concerned, helpful new evidence just happened to come to light and then just happened to end up in the Sunday papers. What with that and the natural fear his opponents must have had in facing such a formidable opponent as himself, it came as no surprise whatsoever that the case had settled. He looked extremely smug and said, ‘Yes, well, it’s always rather satisfying when the hard work pays off. A complete U-turn.’

  TheBusker smiled at this and took up the conversation with, ‘U-turns. Reminds me of the driving instructor who said to his farmer client, “Can you make a ewe turn?” To which the farmer replied, “No, but I can make its eyes water.”’

  After work today, BigMouth took OldSmoothie and myself out for a celebratory drink at his St. James’s club. He was in mightily fine fettle as he greeted us in the bar.

  ‘Come in, come in,’ he said. ‘There’s lots to celebrate.’

  ‘Yes, it was a great result,’ said OldSmoothie proudly.

  ‘I expected nothing less,’ said BigMouth. ‘All talk and no trousers these newspapers. Big bullies the lot of them and then the first sign that someone’s actually going to stand up to them and fight they run away like cowards into a corner.’

  ‘Er, yes,’ said OldSmoothie, clearly biting his tongue.

  ‘But that’s not what I want to drink to.’

  ‘Oh?’ said OldSmoothie.

  ‘No. That’s old news,’ he said just a tad ungratefully. ‘It’s these old people I’m now interested in.’

  ‘Oh,’ said OldSmoothie. ‘That’s BabyB’s domain rather than mine. At least at this stage.’

  ‘Yes, I understand that,’ said BigMouth. ‘But I wanted to keep you both in the loop as to quite how important this case might be for me.’

  ‘I do realise that these people are your constituents,’ said OldSmoothie, ‘and they must have gone through a lot of difficulties.’

  BigMouth brushed this concern away with a wave of his hand. ‘That’s not what I meant. No, this is the sort of case that could finally get me off the backbenches. Shining white knight taking on a big corporation and all that. You do understand, I’m sure.’

  ‘Er, yes,’ said OldSmoothie.

  We both understood perfectly.

  Thursday 13 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 11): Silver Surfers

  I popped into my old room today to say hello to OldRuin, and as is often the case he was dictating what I thought was an advice for his typist. That is until he told me exactly what he was doing. ‘I’ve decided to enter the modern era BabyB and get on to the interweb. I’ve even decided to take advantage of chambers’ very kind offer of an electronic mail address.’

  ‘That’s great news, OldRuin. Do tell me if you need any help working it all out.’

  He looked a little sheepish and then said, ‘That’s a very kind offer, BabyB, but I’ve been using my typist now for more than forty years and I fear it would cause her great offence if I actually started typing my own correspondence at this late stage of my career. She’s offered to attend a special email course for pensioners, where I believe they’ll teach her how to print off the emails I receive and also to type the replies I dictate.’

  ‘Quite right,’ I said. Then I added mischievously, ‘Will they also teach her to spell?’

  ‘BabyB, she’s been spelling atrociously all of her life. I’ve always thought it better that solicitors assumed I was dyslexic than make her feel any worse by continually pointing it out.’

  ‘I think my favourite was when she cancelled the “Cricket outing to Lourdes” on your behalf.’

  ‘It was a similar dilemma when she changed an invitation I had drafted from simply “RSVP” to “Please RSVP”. Again I chose the possibility that people might think I didn’t understand French rather than having to correct her.’

  He smiled to himself.

  ‘She tells me that we’ll both be officially Silver Surfers. Apparently her grandson even has a cartoon book where the hero is a Silver Surfer.’

  Friday 14 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 11): New counsel

  Today we received a letter from the other side’s solicitors in TheMoldy cases notifying us which counsel they had taken on. Slippery and I had already speculated as to who this might be but in our wildest dreams we hadn’t expected to see these names. The first was UpTights, which makes me wonder whether I should try and get OldSmoothie on board just to wind her up. For the moment I think I’ll simply try and copy some of his well-honed strategies in dealing with her, although I know that really the only reason he ever succeeds is because she hates him so much. But it was the other name that elicited the most surprise: that of TopFirst himself. It makes me extremely suspicious that these appointments are far from coincidence and that TopFirst is up to something, and it certainly made Claire give me a knowing look when I mentioned it to her after work this evening. The difficulty will be in working out just exactly what it is that he’s plotting.

  Let the litigation games begin.

  Monday 17 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 12): An offer

  Slippery and ScandalMonger have been making hay in the last few days and they’ve now set up a website, called geriatrigation.com, to bring in more of these Moldy cases. Scandal’s whipping it up in the papers and Slippery’s doing all the admin. In the meantime I’ve picked out a couple of our better cases to lead the charge and on Wednesday we will issue proceedings. It’s then over to ScandalMonger to get it on to the front pages.

  Unsurprisingly, then, I got a visit from UpTights this afternoon.

  ‘You do realise that this whole thing is a complete try on?’ she said.

  ‘I presume you’re talking about my case against your lovely telecom company?’

  ‘Of course I am, BabyB. It’s not like you’re doing any other cases that are big enough to be against me, now is it?’

  Ouch. She’s going for the patronising approach, I see.

  ‘You’re right there, UpTights. Except I would have thought these are just straightforward personal injury actions, which are well below your usual size of case . . .’

  I tailed off and looked at her. ‘Which did make me wonder why they had instructed someone as senior as yours
elf. Suggests there’s more to this than meets the eye, wouldn’t you say?’

  She was slightly thrown by her former pupil answering her back so directly and she hesitated for a second before coming back with, ‘You know full well, BabyB, that if you raise such provocative issues these big companies will always take it seriously.’

  ‘Unless of course,’ I answered, ‘there was nothing to them at all. In that case why would they waste their money?’

  She could see she was getting nowhere.

  ‘Enough of these puerile games. I have an offer to make. If you agree not to pursue your claims any further, then my clients will not seek any costs which have been wasted thus far.’

  ‘But why should my clients be bothered when they’re insured against your costs?’

  To that, at this stage, there was no answer and after a little more bluffing and attempts at bullying, UpTights was on her way.

  Tuesday 18 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 12): Arthur and Ethel

  Today I went off to spend a little time with the two old people whose cases will be among the first ones to be issued tomorrow. They are the wonderful couple, Arthur and Ethel, who I’d met in our earlier conference: Arthur who pulls the moonies and Ethel with her bucket of water. Arthur is a small man, hunched over with age, which does give him the perfect stance to pull off quick and unexpected moonies at the drop of a hat. But beyond this idiosyncrasy, his single concern is Ethel who I discovered today he thought he might have lost to cancer some five years ago but who has since made a full recovery. Away from the silliness and mayhem that was the last conference in chambers, it really was quite moving to sit and listen to them today and to see that the strength and the stoicism they both exude is fed by a deep, underlying love.

  ‘We’ve been married fifty-seven years this April,’ Arthur said proudly.

  ‘And never a dull day,’ added Ethel with a real twinkle in her eye.

  ‘We’ve had our ups and downs, I’ll grant you,’ said Arthur, ‘but I wouldn’t have made it this far without her. She’s the air that gives me life, you know.’

  ‘Listen to yourself, Arthur, won’t you? You’ll embarrass the young man.’

  ‘Never mind that, Ethel. Doesn’t do any harm passing on a thing or two now and again.’

  But above all else, what came over was their zest for life. Arthur had survived the Normandy landings and as well as her more recent troubles, Ethel had lived through the Blitz. Both had an enthusiasm you rarely come across even in children. What’s more, they seemed genuinely excited to be involved in this forthcoming litigation. As Arthur said, ‘It’s about time us oldies had a voice and demanded a little respect.’

  Then at one point in the conversation, Ethel asked me quite directly and out of context, ‘What do you do in your spare time, BabyBarista?’

  ‘Er . . .’ I didn’t quite know how to answer that.

  ‘You know,’ said Arthur. ‘What do you do for fun? When you’re not working.’

  ‘Er, well . . .’ I still felt a little awkward. ‘Well it’s pretty busy at the moment actually. I spend time with friends, I guess.’

  They didn’t press it further and we then went back to discussing the case. After my visit I had to finish going through the paperwork for the big day tomorrow, which unfortunately meant I had to once again cancel on Claire, this time for drinks, though as she’d indicated before, I knew she’d understand.

  Wednesday 19 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 12): Freudian slip

  It was zimmer-frame city outside the High Court today. With the help of ScandalMonger, TheMoldies have set up a Facebook group in the last two days, publicising the event, and when I arrived with Slippery, who was issuing the claim form, there were at least four hundred Moldies and their supporters standing around cheering. It was, to say the least, a little surreal.

  ScandalMonger had also tipped off the press and I’m happy to say that I think we’re in business. Though where there’s press, there is also BigMouth and sure enough he was there puffing out his chest and soaking up any reflected glory from the storm that had been created. ClichéClanger also came along for the sport and it didn’t come as a great surprise to see him get rather over-excited at all the attention. At one point he held some papers in the air and shouted, ‘We will wield aloft the mighty sword of Damacles and justice will be ours.’

  A Freudian slip, I fear, when it comes not only to taking on a big corporation but also to courting the press so vigorously.

  Thursday 20 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 12): Making plans

  Well, we certainly scored on the publicity front and Slippery has been inundated with more cases from people claiming to be affected by the particular telecom company that we’re targeting. As I sat in a strategy meeting with Slippery and ScandalMondger, Slippery explained, ‘The plan is to have these first cases paving the way and in the next two or three months we’ll pick a few more as test cases. If we win on any one of those, I mean it guys, we’ll all be shopping. Big settlement.’

  He looked at us as if we should both be very impressed with his big words. Then he added, ‘But to be fair, the main part of our plan at this stage is to embarrass the telecom company into settling by raising the fear of blanket and damaging press coverage.’

  Then, as I was about to leave, Slippery looked at me and said dramatically, ‘Do you feel plucky, BabyB? Well, do ya?’

  Friday 21 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 12): BusyBaby

  BusyBody was at chambers tea this afternoon showing off her new-born girl. She seemed as full of energy as ever, which prompted TheBusker to ask, ‘How are you finding the sleepless nights with the baby?’

  ‘Oh, that’s not a problem. I’m following a new online motivational course for babies and I’ve been specifically training her to sleep through the night from week one.’

  There were a few sceptical looks from some of the more senior members of chambers but by this point HeadClerk was asking the most important question of all, ‘Er, so when exactly was she born?’

  He singularly failed at trying to sound nonchalant and after she gave him the answer and left the room a number of people began flicking through their diaries. They all knew that FanciesHimself, the junior clerk, is one of the two possible fathers, along with OldSmoothie, but early conclusions seem to be that it was too early for FanciesHimself to have been responsible. This squarely puts OldSmoothie in the frame and adds more weight to the theory that BusyBody is only being allowed back into chambers on the basis that she keeps quiet about the identity of the father.

  All of this perhaps also explains why OldSmoothie made a point of being seen in chambers today, all ‘business as usual’. Except it wasn’t business as usual because everyone knows that Friday is his golf day. Everyone, that is, except his wife who apparently believes that it remains one of his regular court days.

  As for chambers tea itself, aside from the cooing from the ladies and the polite grunts from some of the male members of chambers, OldSmoothie was lamenting times gone by. ‘No one just emerges any longer.’

  ‘What do you mean emerges?’ I asked.

  ‘Emerges. Just what it says. Appears in place. Emerges from nowhere to take the role.’

  ‘And I’m imagining that you would be referring to the role of high court judge?’ asked TheVamp.

  ‘Not just them. Prime Ministers used to just emerge. Ambassadors, heads of the civil service. They’d all just emerge. But yes, since you’re asking, high court judges too. It’s ridiculous having an application process for such a complicated and sensitive role.’

  ‘Yes, I hear you weren’t even shortlisted following your own application, OldSmoothie. Great loss to the judicial system, I’m sure.’ This sideswipe came from UpTights.

  ‘Coming from someone who can’t even judge our little games of Battleships without exploding, I hardly think you’re one to talk.’

  OldSmoothie was referring to the particular cases that he likes to s
ettle with an insurer over a game of Battleships. But he wasn’t to be diverted from his little reverie. ‘But all I’m really saying is that it’s a crying shame. No more old-fashioned consultations. Quiet words over a G and T. Now it’s all just form-filling and quotas.’

  ‘Well,’ said UpTights, ‘any time you want to emerge as Ambassador for Outer Mongolia, you just tell me OldSmoothie and I’ll get right on to the Prime Minister myself and make absolutely sure it happens.’

  ‘I’d support your emergence into any place but this one to be honest, OldSmoothie,’ added BusyBody looking him straight in the eye.

  The tag team were reunited.

  ‘Yes,’ said UpTights, ‘a campaign for the emergence of OldSmoothie. Maybe a few articles in the press, a petition on the Number Ten website and of course the obligatory Facebook group.’

  BusyBody smiled and said, ‘I think you may just be on to something there.’

  Really, I dread to think where it may now lead, what with BusyBody’s rather terrifying post-birth energy and UpTights’s manic moments. But the other thing that occurs to me is to question why exactly BusyBody is still being so horrible to OldSmoothie when he might be the father of her child? Maybe she just can’t help herself in the face of such pomposity. Or maybe it’s because he’s told her that he’ll have nothing to do with the baby.

  Monday 24 December 2007

  Year 2 (week 13): Ringers

  Got a call this morning from ScandalMonger.