Law and Peace

by Tim Kevan

  ‘I feel it’s no bad thing,’ he said simply, his voice rising as if seeking reassurance.

  ‘Young man,’ interrupted HeadofChambers, who’d overheard what he said and has never masked his irritation at FraGiles’s general demeanour. ‘Psychologists feel, not barristers.’

  FraGiles looked flustered and said, ‘Oh, sorry, I believe—’

  ‘Believe? Believe?’ said HeadofChambers, his voice rising. ‘Only priests believe. Barristers are not paid to have either feelings or beliefs. They are instead paid to give their esteemed and learned opinions.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘So from now on, no feelings, no beliefs. Got it?’

  Er, right . . .

  Wednesday 23 January 2008

  Year 2 (week 17): Suspicions

  You don’t get much past TheVamp and I wondered how long it would take for her to start asking more questions about TopFlirt since she already somehow knows we went out for lunch. Today she popped into my room.

  ‘How’s it going with TopFlirt, BabyB?’

  Despite the fact that she’d already mentioned it before, I still wasn’t expecting such a direct approach and she caught me off guard for just a millisecond. But it was a millisecond too long and my hesitation was damning. ‘Ah! I’m right. You have started seeing her.’

  I composed myself and answered, ‘That’s how it starts, you know. The lie gets halfway around the world before the truth even has a chance to get its pants on.’

  ‘BabyB, if the truth didn’t even have its pants on, maybe it wasn’t a lie after all.’

  ‘Look, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about,’ I lied.

  ‘Yeah, right. And don’t tell me, TopFirst is your new best friend as well? You do realise that you’re playing with fire, don’t you? He really is a nasty piece of work.’

  She said this as if she knew it first hand, which made me wonder. Although maybe she was offering it up just to get me to talk. Either way, I wasn’t going to crack any more than I had already and I continued to deny all knowledge. Not that she bought it. Her parting shot was, ‘Well, BabyB, enjoy it while it lasts. Just don’t tell Claire.’

  Thursday 24 January 2008

  Year 2 (week 17): LeadingCounsel

  Much chatter in the clerks room this morning due to the fact that TheBusker brought his little brown Border Terrier dog into chambers. Given that the dog was actually dragging him along on the lead, HeadClerk immediately commented, ‘Ah, the dog you’ve been telling us about and leading counsel, I see.’

  After which the dog could only be called LeadingCounsel.

  ‘Wouldn’t have been allowed in my day’, said HeadofChambers.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ replied TheBusker. ‘I’m sure most barristers had a gun dog of one form or another back in the nineteenth century.’

  HeadofChambers didn’t rise to the gentle banter but in the meantime UpTights looked like she was about to jump out of her stretched skin. ‘If that mutt comes anywhere near my room I will put down poison,’ she yapped.

  ‘Shouldn’t be too hard for you,’ piped up OldSmoothie. ‘I mean, take your pick. Do you want the spiteful venom which comes from your mouth or just the plain and simple botulism you inject? Come to think of it, maybe there’s a connection.’

  ‘Shut up, OldSmoothie. It’s a health and safety issue. They bring in all sorts of things.’

  ‘What, like fleas and ticks?’ said TheBusker.

  ‘Exactly. Bloodsucking parasites the lot of them.’

  As the words left her mouth, everyone looked at her and smiled and let TheBusker deliver the punchline, ‘I would have thought they’d get on rather well with a bunch of lawyers in that case, wouldn’t you say UpTights?’

  Friday 25 January 2008

  Year 2 (week 17): The new iPratt

  OldSmoothie spent the whole weekend emailing people from his sparkling and shiny new iPhone hoping that they’d notice ‘Sent from my iPhone’ at the end of every message. Unfortunately for him, what he hasn’t yet realised is that BusyBody got hold of it on Friday morning when he ostentatiously and wholly ‘by accident’ left it lying around in the clerks room with his name on it. A few clicks later and the settings were changed. The thing is, OldSmoothie has now sent so many emails that no one’s got the heart to tell him that at the foot of every message he sends it says, ‘Sent from my big fat barrister’s bottom.’

  As a result, this morning it was the main topic of conversation as OldSmoothie arrived in the clerks room once again waving around his new acquisition.

  ‘I see you really have that little extra schwing in your step, OldSmoothie,’ said TheVamp. ‘How could it be that something so small could achieve so much?’

  Ignoring the innuendo, he looked even more pleased with himself. BusyBody followed up with, ‘You managed to find the app for pulling women yet?’

  ‘Jealousy, my dear, will get you nowhere,’ he answered.

  ‘Don’t you think he’s so sexy with that in his hand?’ added UpTights.

  But OldSmoothie was still in the post-coital glow of his iPhone delivery and all the insults just bounced off his technological Ready Brek-like halo. ‘I wouldn’t expect old-school lawyers like you to understand, UpTights, but I think you’ll find that it’s not merely a telephone but the sort of practice tool that every self-respecting lawyer worth his salt will be carrying round very soon. Mark my words.’

  ‘Ah, work,’ said TheBusker with a smile. ‘That’ll mean that you’re intending to put it all against tax and claim back the VAT then?’

  ‘Of course,’ said OldSmoothie still unruffled.

  ‘Since it’s exclusively for business use?’ said TheVamp seeing where TheBusker was going.

  ‘Naturally,’ came the reply.

  UpTights came in with the killer blow. ‘So you wouldn’t object to the taxman examining your user history and seeing quite how much of your online usage had been, er,’ she paused for theatrical effect, ‘work, then?’

  He was stumped and clutched his precious device a little more tightly before leaving the room.

  Monday 28 January 2008

  Year 2 (week 18): Questions

  Had to sit down with my mother over the weekend and explain a little more as to what’s going on with her finances without admitting the full extent of my own complicity. Until now I’ve just reassured her that I have everything in hand. But on Saturday she said that she really wanted to talk. ‘I’m worried about you, BabyB, and I fear that it’s me and my problems that are making you so stressed.’

  ‘It’s definitely not you,’ I assured her. ‘It’s just a difficult time in my career, that’s all.’

  ‘But what exactly did happen with my debts? What have you had to give in return?’

  ‘Well, as I said, I managed to find someone who would refinance them. Someone who I work with, actually,’ I added, hoping she wouldn’t ask for more details.

  She didn’t but instead changed the subject. ‘Well is it your relationship with Claire? It’s just that it seems you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders at the moment and I can’t work out what’s causing it.’

  At that point I dearly wished I could have told her everything. From TheBoss onwards. But I knew that’d be the selfish thing to do since it would only have off-loaded my worry on to her. So I simply answered her question about Claire. ‘It’s true. We’re definitely having difficulties. It’s just growing up I guess. Coming to terms with the real world and all that. Finding our place in it.’

  My mother looked doubtful but dropped the subject more out of kindness than lack of rigour. After all, she had met TopFlirt the morning after she’d stayed the night, and my mother is no fool. But thankfully she just said, ‘I guess so, BabyB. I guess so. But please. If you ever want to talk anything through. Absolutely anything you like. Please, BabyB. Just remember that I’m here.’

  As for my case against TopFirst on Wednesday, there’s still no news. For something that was definitely going to settle there’
s certainly been no indication in that direction. So this has meant that at the last minute I’ve had to make sure we apply for an adjournment, although I’m not holding out much hope.

  Tuesday 29 January 2008

  Year 2 (week 18): Octopussy

  TheVamp was in chambers today looking tanned after yet another long weekend away skiing. ‘How many times has she been away in the last twelve months?’ asked OldSmoothie at chambers tea.

  ‘Compared to the number of “golf” ahem “papers” days you take, I hardly think you can complain,’ smiled HeadofChambers. ‘And you’ve got to give it to her. She is pretty sporty.’

  ‘Well she’s certainly game, if that’s what you mean.’

  ‘No, seriously, apparently she stroked the Cambridge University Blues rowing team two years in a row.’

  ‘I really don’t want to know who she stroked at university or how many times,’ replied OldSmoothie.

  At which point TheBusker whispered with a smile, ‘Though apparently they did nickname her boat Octopussy.’

  Wednesday 30 January 2008

  Year 2 (week 18): First showdown

  ‘You really thought I’d fall for that old trick, BabyB? I’d have thought more even of you.’

  TopFirst was looking particularly smug when I met him at court this morning. We were preparing for the case that I’d thought was going to settle.

  ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ I replied.

  ‘Oh, come off it. Calling up my clerks with a made-up solicitor’s name? You think I’m not going to check that up before spilling my guts to the clerks?’

  ‘You’re losing it, TopFirst.’

  ‘Yeah, particularly as UpTights had warned me that you’d try this little trick sooner or later. Seems OldSmoothie’s been using it on her for years.’

  Ouch.

  ‘Anyway, I thought I’d return the gesture and when I rang your clerks a few days ago pretending to try and book you for this afternoon, they were more than happy to tell me that the case definitely wouldn’t be going ahead and I quote, “because his client’s done a runner”. Sloppy, BabyB.’

  Oh.

  ‘So it seems you have a little local difficulty,’ he continued, really rubbing it in. ‘No client, hmm?’

  ‘Er, yes, as you know, I’ll be asking for an adjournment.’

  ‘You don’t stand a chance.’

  Now, I have to say that given the paucity of the evidence and instructions I tended to agree with him. But as a contingency plan I’d paid a little visit to TheBusker yesterday who’d given me some advice. ‘Listen, BabyB. He’s young and earnest and is bound to argue far more points than he needs to, particularly on such a simple issue. Remember, almost all cases really boil down to a single issue. So follow this script to the letter and you’ll be all right.’

  Sure enough, once in court, TopFirst was all full of indignation and clever arguments all over the place. I then stood up and literally read out my script. It began, ‘Your Honour, my learned friend has made some fascinating points and in a most persuasive way. But in the end, doesn’t it come down to . . .’ I then explained my position as instructed by TheBusker in no more than three more sentences.

  The adjournment was granted, though whether the claimant will actually return by the end of next month is another matter.

  Chapter 5

  February: Selling Short

  Friday 1 February 2008

  Year 2 (week 18): Test cases

  Since OldSmoothie knows nothing of the involvement of either ScandalMonger or TheBoss, I had a preliminary meeting with them both today along with SlipperySlope. The purpose was to select our test cases before presenting OldSmoothie with a fait accompli. But before this there was much discussion about the possibility of having been fed fake claims.

  ‘I think we have at least two definites,’ said TheBoss. ‘We haven’t been able to pin down exactly who paid them, but it’s clear from, er, a few discreet searches, that they’ve each had a sudden influx of cash in the last couple of months.’

  ‘What sort of amounts are we talking?’ asked Slippery.

  ‘Tens of thousands we think,’ said TheBoss.

  ‘Too much for TopFirst on his own then,’ said ScandalMonger.

  ‘Except that from my investigations, it has his fingerprints all over it.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘Well, there’s the fact that someone of his description has been seen at each of their houses.’

  ‘But why would he take such a risk?’ asked Slippery.

  ‘That’s something only BabyB can answer,’ said TheBoss matter-of-factly. ‘But whatever the reason, I think we’ve got to assume that he’s at least brought someone from the telecom company into his tight little loop, even if just to get hold of the cash.’

  ‘So at least we know to discount those two. But how do we know that none of the others aren’t also fake?’ asked ScandalMonger.

  ‘We don’t yet, although I hope by the time it comes to trial we’ll have been able to conduct much deeper investigations into our chosen cases,’ said TheBoss.

  ‘But why not just hold our horses and sort out the investigations first off?’ asked ScandalMonger.

  ‘Look, the bottom line,’ said Slippery, ‘is that our chances of winning are pretty low and the longer we leave it the more time they will have to prepare what I imagine will be a formidable array of defences. Our best chance as we’ve discussed before is to go for the quick pitch battle early on.’

  ‘But surely the judge will give them time to prepare?’ continued ScandalMonger.

  ‘A reasonable time, sure. But when we start shouting that they’re trying to filibuster the cases until our elderly clients die and their damages claims reduce significantly, I think the judge is going to sit up and listen.’

  As I listened, none of this really came as news to me as I’d already had quite lengthy discussions about it with Slippery. But I did have a suggestion to add to the pot that hadn’t yet been mooted. ‘Why don’t we include the two ringers in our list of six test cases? It’ll completely put them off guard. They’ll think that they will be able to manipulate two of the cases in their favour and undoubtedly taint the others, too.’

  There was absolute silence as what I was suggesting began to sink in. TheBoss was the first to speak. ‘And then we drop the dodgy two at the last moment and hey presto, they’ve just lost their trump card.’

  ‘Brilliant, BabyB,’ said Slippery.

  ‘I would have expected nothing less,’ said TheBoss, with a wry smile in my direction.

  Monday 4 February 2008

  Year 2 (week 19): Stocks ’n’ shares

  I went through the finer details of the Moldy cases with ScandalMonger today.

  ‘I like your style, BabyB,’ he said. ‘Shame more barristers can’t be quite so devious.’

  I shrugged this off and then he gave me a thoughtful look, put his feet up on the desk and took a deep breath. ‘The thing is, BabyB, you and your friend TopFirst may have some sort of fight going and he may also have brought in the odd accomplice along the way. But my own take on these cases as a whole is that it goes much deeper than that. I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but the shares in the telecom company that we’re suing have plummeted in the past couple of months.’

  ‘Er, yes, I had noticed, actually.’

  ‘I wouldn’t put it past them to be fiddling the stock market in one form or another. Maybe they want you to get a case which at least looks bad just to send their share price down.’

  ‘Why would they do that?’

  ‘So they could then buy them back later, of course.’

  ‘Later?’

  ‘When they beat you in court, BabyB.’

  ‘If,’ I corrected.

  ‘Yes, yes, of course,’ he said dismissively. ‘But it’s also got me thinking that there may be money to be made for our part, too. You know we can pretty easily predict which way the share price is going to go when we know what evidence
we’re about to put into the public domain.’

  I looked a little shocked at the suggestion of some sort of insider dealing.

  ‘Not that I’d involve you, BabyB. It’s just I thought I’d mention it.’

  Well, thanks. You just thought you’d innocently mention it. Make me a part of your little conspiracy once again and then leave my failure to dob you in as a way to incriminate me further. This is just what I need.

  Tuesday 5 February 2008

  Year 2 (week 19): Phishing

  With TopFirst plotting, I decided to set a little contingency plan in motion. So I bought myself a fax number and a domain name very similar to www.ukwhoswho.com, the home page for the famous dictionary of the establishment itself, Who’s Who. I then set up forwarding from my site to the authentic one and sent TopFirst an email from ‘editor@’ followed by the new domain in the following terms:

  Dear TopFirst,

  You have been recommended by a number of senior barristers and judges as one of the rising stars of the English Bar, and I would therefore like to invite you to submit an entry to Who’s Who 2009. You have been allocated up to one hundred words. Please fill out the enclosed form and sign it and add your credit card details in order that we may charge you the subscription fee of £85 (+VAT). Then fax it back to the number specified.