by Lexi Blake
But his death had been so painful. His death had been a slow wasting away of his vibrancy, his love, his light. Her precious father had been reduced, made small by a disease that ate away at everything he was.
A sob came from her throat and Jax was suddenly beside her.
Jax, who had been through so much. All he’d known in his short life was pain and horror, and he still said he loved her.
She’d spent a lifetime loved by a man who taught her everything he’d known with patience and a gentle hand, and it hadn’t been until this moment that she could feel anything but relief at his death.
He was gone. He was gone and she didn’t know where he was. His body was in the ground and his soul…
“River, don’t cry. It’s over.”
She shook her head. He didn’t understand. She felt for him. She did, but there was more to the emotion coursing through her. “I…my father…”
“He’s still here with you,” Jax whispered. “Nothing is ever truly lost.”
She shook her head. “You can’t know that.”
“I can. God, where is this coming from? I can hear the words in my head, but I don’t know where they come from,” Jax whispered. “Nothing is ever truly lost. When a flower dies, it seeds the earth with its beauty. It’s not lost, merely transformed.”
She glanced up and his eyes were shining in the moonlight.
God, he was everything he’d said he was. He was broken and yet there was something so beautiful about him. Somehow he’d put himself back together.
“He’s here, isn’t he?” Jax asked. “You feel him in the forest.”
She nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. Her father was here. He’d been waiting for her, waiting to show her the way back to herself. He was in the trees—the aspens that shook and shimmered and the pines that split the sky. He was in the wind that brushed her face.
The cycle of her father’s life had closed, but his love…oh, that wasn’t a circle. That was an infinite line reaching to the past, to her grandmother and great grandfathers and beyond. It would stretch into the future, connecting her children to him and her grandchildren to her until there was love as far as she could think.
That was her father’s legacy. His soul couldn’t be judged by the way he’d ended, only by the way he’d lived. That death had been a falsehood, a lie meant to trick her into thinking the world was empty. Or perhaps it was a test. A test of patience. Of kindness in the face of misery. Of bravery. It was hard to love. Love hurt, and it was also the only reason to live.
“Go ahead, River,” he whispered. “Cry. It’s good to cry. Will you cry for me? I can’t. It’s there. I can feel it, but it won’t come out. I think she burned it out of me, but if I had someone who could cry for me, I think it might be all right.”
It was all she needed. The dam burst, volcano exploding in a riot of grief. She’d lost her father twice. Once to death and then to her stubborn refusal to mourn. Mourning was a beautiful thing, a tribute to those who had passed, a time to remind herself to live, and she’d skipped that step. She’d allowed herself to get stuck in the pain, to never let herself feel the joy.
She sobbed, her knees hitting the dirt, but Jax was there with her. His strong arms wound around her, and she wept against his chest. He smoothed back her hair, rocking her but saying nothing. He allowed her to mourn, to keen and cry and finally to miss him. Oh, it felt so fucking good to miss him, to yearn for her father.
And Jax. She mourned for him, too. For all he’d lost. His past. He didn’t know if anyone out there loved him, wished he was with them still. He was alone in the world. He’d been born into pain and yet he’d found a way to love.
Could he love her? Could she be brave enough to love him even knowing it would end? He would leave. He had to. He would be on the run for the rest of his life potentially. He couldn’t stay. Did that mean he wasn’t worth loving?
She cried for what they could have been.
Slowly, she came back to earth, a peace settling over her. Her chest ached with how hard she’d cried, but it was the best of aches, the kind that told her she was finally healing.
“Tell me I don’t have to let you go.” He was sitting with his back to a tree, her in his lap.
She could hear the beat of his heart. It was too much. She couldn’t make any decisions tonight. “Would you hold me for a while? I don’t know where we’re going, but I want you to hold me.”
His arms tightened, and she felt him sigh as if in relief. “Always. When I’m gone, I want you to remember that I’m always holding you in my mind. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”
She cuddled close, emotion threatening to overwhelm her again.
She fell asleep that way, her head against his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her. Not unlike the way she’d slept that night when her father had taken her into the woods. Safe. Warm.
Loved.
* * * *
She was surrounded by death. It was there in the mist.
Jax. She screamed his name, the word echoing through the forest, mocking her. She knew she should be quiet, but he’d been gone so long.
He appeared before her, a sad smile on his face. He said not a word but reached out for her, his hand touching her cheek.
This was good-bye, she realized. Still, her body lit up from that touch and she knew no one would ever move her the way he did. She didn’t even know his true name, didn’t know if he had a wife waiting for him, had loved ones at all, but it didn’t matter because in that moment she knew he was the only man for her. Somehow the universe had meant him for her, had conspired and twisted the world so they would meet and love and be torn apart.
He drifted back into the mist, the gray cloud swallowing him whole.
Her heart felt constricted, like her chest was too small to contain it and would burst and bleed and cover the forest floor if she didn’t find him. She ran into the mist, her vision going hazy. She couldn’t tell where she was going. It was too thick. That mist clung to her and it was as if it was a living thing. That mist was emotion, creeping into her skin, making her scared and pitiful.
She could stop, the mist seemed to whisper. Go no further and everything will be all right. Stay where you are. You’ll be safe here.
But there was no safety for Jax. There would be no respite, no haven.
Footsteps echoed and she took off in the direction she thought they were coming from. The woods could be deceptive, sound pinging off trees and bouncing around like a ball she was trying to catch.
She couldn’t leave him. He would be alone out here. He would have no one. He would wake up again and realize his past was gone and this time, she would be part of that past. She would be erased from his memory, no longer even able to give him comfort in the form of reminiscence. It couldn’t happen. He couldn’t wake up in that white room, cold and alone. He wouldn’t survive it this time.
She ran, heedless of where she was going, praying her instincts could lead her to him.
She caught sight of him ahead as the mist seemed to fade and she realized he was surrounded by wolves. He stood there, in the middle of the clearing she’d played in as a child. It was deep in the woods, past all worn trails. It was a secret place, the furthest she was allowed to go because…her mind threatened to warp. Something about the clearing. Danger. She wasn’t supposed to go past this point.
Here and no further.
The wolves circled him and she realized he was holding Buster. Buster barked and snarled at the pack as if he understood the danger they were in, but Jax’s eyes were on her.
She started to move toward him and suddenly she was a child again, looking up into her father’s eyes.
No, sweetheart. You can’t play here. It’s dangerous. Stay in the light and you’ll be fine.
But Jax was in the darkness. As she stood there, she watched the shadows take him…
River turned over, a gasp coming from her chest as the dream ended and she realized where she was. She was in her
tent, the one she’d bought at the big box store. It took her a moment to catch her breath and orient herself.
Jax had carried her to her tent, gently easing her in. He’d been on his hands and knees when he’d zipped her into her sleeping bag, and with shadows playing around him, he kissed her forehead. She’d thought he would crawl in next to her, but he’d left and she hadn’t had the energy to argue.
She sat up and realized the fire was still going, larger than it had been before. She scrambled out, hoping it hadn’t gotten out of control. She hadn’t told him how to put out the fire. He wouldn’t know all the steps that went into making sure everything was properly doused and safe. If the embers weren’t all soaked, they could catch fire again. It had rained recently, but any fire was dangerous in woods like these.
She stopped as she realized he was still sitting there. He relaxed against the log he’d dragged over, his head tipped back toward the sky.
“I thought you were sleeping,” he said, still looking up. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”
She noticed he’d dragged his sleeping bag out and laid it outside the tent he was supposed to be using. “You couldn’t sleep?”
She wouldn’t tell him about her dream. It was too close to the surface. He’d been there, in danger and out of reach. She couldn’t go where he was. River shook it off, concentrating on the man in front of her.
They had few days left and he looked so remote. She couldn’t stand it. It had been stupid to think she could hear his story and not get close to him again.
“There weren’t any stars in London,” he said. “Well, they were there, but not like this. And we weren’t allowed outside in the facility. I’m afraid the tent feels too much like a cell to me. I’ll stay out here with the stars. They feel…familiar to me.”
How terrible was it to know he should remember and never be able to catch it? She settled in next to him, looking up at the sky, trying to see what he was seeing.
A blanket of stars, diamonds shining down on them.
“Dante told me they were dead,” he said, his voice flat. “I was on the rooftop at The Garden, trying to see them through the fog, and he said I shouldn’t bother because they were nothing but dead suns. The light takes millions of years to get to us. A lot of the stars in the sky went nova a long time ago. That makes me sad.”
It would have made her sad mere hours before, but she had a different perspective now. Funny what a good cry and strong arms around her could do. It had restored her, made her more faithful to who she was at her core. Almost two years she’d spent in the prison of her father’s disease, but there was light. It came from the stars. It came from the people around her. It came from him.
It would light her way home if she let it.
“It shouldn’t make you sad. Everything dies, but it’s like you said. Nothing is lost.” It was funny how easy it was to think of her father now. “My dad would take me out here and we would do science experiments. One time he brought me and Ty and our friend Lucy overnight and we had a telescope. He told me the same thing Dante said except with a different twist. He said wasn’t it amazing that even after all that time, their light was here, still traveling, still moving. Though the sun was gone, its light is used to mark the path for sailors, to illuminate our darkness, to give us something to dream about. Nothing is lost, merely transformed.”
“I love you, River.”
She was silent for a moment and then realized the truth. She’d loved him from the moment she’d seen him, that connection sparking to life. “I love you, too, Jax.”
He turned to her, a sad smile on his face. “I wish I knew my name.”
But he had a name. She’d been wrong in her dream. He had a true name. “It’s Jax. You’re Jax, and that’s all you need to be.”
He was quiet for a moment, though his hand slid over hers, connecting them again. “The others worry they left people behind. I don’t think I had anyone.”
“You did. I know you did.” She knew it deep inside. Now that she’d cast off the weight of her past, she could see him as he was. Lovely. Amazing. She threaded her fingers through his, loving how warm he was. “I think you had parents. A mom. A dad. Maybe both. I think they loved you so much that love imprinted on you and even when the memory was gone, the love remained. It protected you. It shielded you like nothing else could. That love was there when you needed it. You came out whole, Jax.”
“No, I’m broken.” There was a hoarseness to his voice.
She shook her head and made her decision. She needed him to believe. She let go of his hands and straddled him, looking him straight in the eyes as she cupped his face. “You might be broken, but you’re whole. We’re all broken. Some of us forget to pick up our lost pieces and tape them back into place. But you didn’t, baby. You somehow held yourself together. You found brothers to care about and protect. You didn’t give in to the darkness. You should be a monster, but you’re not. You should be shut down and twisted, angry at anyone who didn’t go through what you did. But you saved me. You loved me.”
“Love you,” he corrected as his hands came up to cup her hips. “I’ll always love you. But I don’t think I can stay with you. I really am a wanted man. I would bring that down on this town if I stayed. They’ll come for me, but I need you to know that no matter what happens, I’ll love you. I’ll die some day loving you.”
“Because I was your first?” She had to ask. It didn’t make a difference, but she wanted to know. There could be other women for him.
“Because you’re my only.” He put his hands on her back, drawing her down. “Because my love for you won’t die, it’ll merely transform. When I’m gone I want you to feel my arms around you. I want you to know that I’m waiting for you, for the day we’ll be together again. In this life or somewhere else. I know it because this feeling can’t be wrong, and it can’t be destroyed. It’s forever.”
The world went watery as she lowered her mouth to his. Emotion overwhelmed her for the second time. This wasn’t about mourning, though. This emotion was the relief and joy of a soul finding its mate. She’d been wrong when she’d said he was whole. Jax himself might be whole but he wasn’t complete without her. He was a part of her soul now, the part that had faith, the part that believed, the part that loved.
She kissed him as the stars above lit the night.
Chapter Seventeen
Jax kissed her with everything he had, her body against his warming him in a way no fire ever could. He’d followed her all afternoon and late into the evening. He’d held every moment as precious, hoarding them like a man who knew he would need them to get through all his lonely days without her.
This, oh, this, he would dream about forever.
He’d meant something to her. When she’d cried in his arms, when she’d wailed and wept and let her grief rise to the surface, he’d known what he’d been born to do. Not born in that sterile lab, but born to a mother who’d loved him. Born and named and raised to take all the love he’d been given and pour it into this woman. His woman.
He realized it in that moment. Love was like the other things he remembered. It wasn’t something a drug could take from him. It had been written into his DNA by people he couldn’t name, but he was grateful. He wasn’t some animal born in a lab. That had been done to him. He’d been a choice, a gift to his mother or father or whatever person out there who had loved him so much he could go through the fire he’d been through and still be open enough to love River.
“Don’t cry, baby.” Her fingers came up, whisking away tears. “That’s my job.”
But it felt good. He would never cry in front of anyone else, but it was okay with her. She was safe. He could give her his every emotion and she would hold them to her heart. “I love you.”
She leaned over, kissing his tears away.
Everywhere her lips brushed his skin, he seemed to light up from within.
“I love you, too.” She moved to his jawline, kissing him all along his cheek and down to
his throat. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I should have listened to you.”
He needed to make a few things plain. He gently dragged her up and looked in her clear green eyes. God, he would never get over those eyes. “You should have run as fast as you could. I lied, baby. I might have reasons for it, but I lied to you, and I won’t ever do it again. You had every right to be angry with me and I’m so grateful for your forgiveness. Thank you for giving me another chance, River. Thank you for giving me a few days with you.”
He didn’t want to leave her, but when Ezra pulled them out, he would go. It was dangerous to stay in one place for long, and he’d already brought Levi Green into town. He’d put Henry and the rest of them in danger.
“Make love to me,” she said. “While you’re here, I want you to make love to me as often as possible, and then promise me when you’re done you’ll come home.”
She was his home. Not some place. Not a space on the earth, but a woman. “I’ll sneak back and see you as often as I can, but I won’t put you in danger.” And he had to disappoint her. “I can’t make love to you. Not all the way. I didn’t bring condoms. I didn’t think you would come with me and I wasn’t planning on trolling the woods for ladies.”
He expected her to laugh, but she grew solemn. “Make love to me.”
“But I…” The gravity of her request hit him.
“Make love to me, Jax,” she said, her voice sure. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take. And I’m not talking about the risk of getting pregnant. I’m talking about the risk of not getting pregnant. I want it. I want something of you I can love and adore and raise to be as amazing a man as his dad.”
