MA05 Myth-ing Persons

by Robert Asprin

  I didn’t have long to wait. Two figures appeared, a young couple by the look of them, talking and laughing merrily as they went. They looked pretty normal to me, which was a distinct relief, considering the forms I had had to imitate in some of the other dimensions. They were humanoid enough to pass for Klahds ... or Jahks, actually, as they were a bit pale. Their dress was not dissimilar from my own, though a bit more colorful. Absorbing all this in a glance, I decided to make my first try for information. I mean, after all my fears, they were so familiar it was almost a letdown, so why not bull ahead? Compared with some of the beings I’ve had to deal with in the past, this looked like a piece of cake.

  Signaling the others to stay put, I stepped out onto the road behind my target couple.

  “Excuse me!” I called “I’m new to this area and in need of a little assistance. Could you direct me to the nearest town?”

  Translation pendants were standard equipment for dimension travel, and as I was wearing one now, I had no fear of not being understood.

  The couple turned to face me, and I was immediately struck by their eyes. The “whites” of their eyes glowed a dark red, sending chills down my spine. It occurred to me that I might have studied the locals a bit longer before I tried to pass myself off as a native. It also occurred to me that I had already committed myself to this course of action and would have to bluff my way through it regardless. Finally, it occurred to me that I was a suicidal idiot and that I hoped Massha and Guido were readying their backup weapons to save me from my own impatience.

  Strangely enough, the couple didn’t seem to notice anything unusual about my appearance.

  “The nearest town? That would be Blut. It’s not far, we just came from there. It’s got a pretty wild night life, if you’re into that kind of thing.”

  There was something about his mouth that nagged at the edges of my mind. Unfortunately, I couldn’t look at it directly without breaking eye contact, so, buoyed by my apparent acceptance, I pushed ahead with the conversation.

  “Actually, I’m not too big on night life. I’m trying to run down an old friend of mine I’ve lost touch with. Is there a post office or a police station in Blut I could ask at?”

  “Better than that,” the man laughed. “The one you want to talk to is the Dispatcher. He keeps tabs on everybody. The third warehouse on your left as you enter town. He’s converted the whole second floor into an office. If he can’t help you, nobody can.”

  As vital as the information was, I only paid it partial attention. When the man laughed, I had gotten a better look at his mouth. His teeth were ...

  “Look at his teeth!” the girl gasped, speaking for the first time.

  “My teeth?” I blinked, realizing with a start that she was staring at me with undisguised astonishment.

  Her companion, in the meantime, had paled noticeably and was backing away on unsteady legs.

  “You ... you’re ... Where did you come from?”

  Trying my best to maintain a normal manner until I had figured out what was going on, I moved forward to keep our earlier conversational distance.

  “The castle on the hill back there. I was just ...”

  “THE CASTLE!?!”

  In a flash the couple turned and sprinted away from me down the road.

  “Monster!! Help!! MONSTER!!!”

  I actually spun and looked down the road behind me, trying to spot the object of their terror. Looking at the empty road, however, it slowly began to sink in. They were afraid of me! Monster?

  Of all the reactions I had tried to anticipate for our reception in this new land, I had never in my wildest imaginings expected this.

  Me? A monster?

  “I think we’ve got problems, High Roller,” Massha said as she and Guido emerged from the brush at my side.

  “I’ll say. Unless I’m reading the signs all wrong, they’re afraid of me.”

  She heaved a great sigh and shook her head.

  “That’s not what I’m talking about. Did you see their teeth?”

  “I saw his,” I said. “The canines were long and pointed. Pretty weird, huh?”

  “Not all that weird, Hot Stuff. Think about it. My bet is that you were just talking to a couple of vampires!”

  “VAMPIRES,” I SAID carefully.

  “Sure. It all fits.” Massha nodded. “The pale skin, the sharp fangs, the red eyeliner, and the way they turned into bats ...”

  “Turned into bats?”

  “You missed it, Boss,” Guido supplied. “You were lookin’ behind you when they did it. Wildest thing I ever saw. One second they was runnin’ for their lives and the next they’re flutterin’ up into the dark. Are all the other dimensions like this?”

  “Vampires ...”

  Actually, my shock wasn’t all that great. Realizing the things Aahz and I had run into cruising the so-called “known and safe” dimensions, I had expected something a bit out of the ordinary in this one. If anything, I was a bit relieved. The second shoe had been dropped ... and it really wasn’t all that bad! That is, it could have been worse. (If hanging around with Aahz had taught me anything, it was that things could always be worse!) The repetitive nature of my conversational brilliance was merely a clever ploy to cover my mental efforts to both digest this new bit of information and decide what to do with it.

  “Vampires are rare in any dimension,” my apprentice replied, stepping into the void to answer Guido’s question

  “What’s more, they’re pretty much feared universally. What I can’t figure out is why those two were so scared of’ Skeeve here.”

  “Then again,” I said thoughtfully, “there’s the question of whether or not we can safely assume the whole dimension is populated with beings like the two we just met. I know it’s a long shot, but we might have run into the only two vampires in the place.”

  “I dunno, High Roller. They acted pretty much at home here, and they sure didn’t think you’d find anything unusual about their appearance. My guess is that they’re the norm and we’re the exceptions around here.”

  “Whatever,” I said, reaching a decision at last, “they’re the only two examples we have to work with so far, so that’s what we’ll base our actions on until proven different.”

  “So what do we do against a bunch of vampires?”

  As a bodyguard, Guido seemed a bit uneasy about our assessment of the situation.

  “Relax,” I smiled. “The first order of business is to turn on the old reliable disguise spell. Just a few quick touchups and they won’t be able to tell us apart from the natives. We could walk through a town of vampires and they’d never spot us.”

  With that, I closed my eyes and went to work. Like I told the staff, this was going to be easy. Maintain everyone’s normal appearance except for paler skin, longer canines, and a little artful reddening of the eyes, and the job was done.

  “Okay,” I said, opening my eyes again. “What’s next?”

  “I don’t like to quote you back at yourself, Hot Stuff,” Massha drawled, “but didn’t you say something about disguises being the first thing before we went any further?”

  “Of course. That’s why I just … wait a minute. Are you trying to say we still have the same appearance as before I cast the spell?”

  One of the problems with casting a disguise spell is that as the caster, I can never see the effects. That is, I see people as they really are whether the spell is on or not. I had gotten so used to relying on the effects of this particular spell that it had never occurred to me that it might not work.

  Massha and Guido were looking at each other with no small degree of concern.

  “Ummm ... maybe you forgot.”

  “Try again.”

  “That’s right! This time remember to ...”

  “Hold it, you two,” I ordered in my most commanding tone. “From your
reactions, I perceive that the answer to my questions is ‘yes.’ That is, that the spell didn’t work. Now just ease up a second and let me think. Okay?”

  For a change they listened to me and lapsed into a respectful silence. I might have taken a moment to savor the triumph if I wasn’t so worried about the problem.

  The disguise spell was one of the first spells I had learned, and until now was one of my best and most reliable tools. If it wasn’t working, something was seriously wrong. Now I knew that stepping through the door hadn’t lessened my knowledge of that particular spell, so that meant that if something was haywire, it would have to be in the ...

  “Hey, Hot Stuff! Check the force lines!”

  Apparently my apprentice and I had reached the conclusion simultaneously. A quick magical scan of the sky overhead and the surrounding terrain confirmed my worst fears. At first I thought there were no force lines at all. Then I realized that they were there, but so faint that it took nearly all of my reserve power just to detect them.

  “What’s all this about force lines?” Guido demanded.

  Massha heaved an impatient sigh.

  “If you’re going to run with this crowd, Dark and Deadly, you’d best start learning a little about the magic biz ... or at least the vocabulary. Force lines are invisible streams of energy that How through the ground and the air. They’re the source of power we tap into when we do our bibbity-bobbity-boo schtick. That means that in a land like this one, where the force lines are either non-existent or very weak ...”

  “... you can’t do squat,” the bodyguard finished for her. “Hey, Boss! If what she says is true, how come those two you just met could still do that bat-trick?”

  “By being very, very good in the magic department. To do so much with so little means they don’t miss a trick ... pardon the pun ... in tapping and using force lines. In short, they’re a lot better than either Massha or me at the magic game.”

  “That makes sense.” Massha nodded. “In any dimension I’ve been in that had vampires, they were some of the strongest magic-slingers around. If this is what they have to train on, I can see why they run hog-wild when they hit a dimension where the force lines are both plentiful and powerful.”

  I rubbed my forehead, trying desperately to think and to forestall the headache I felt coming on. Right on schedule, things were getting worse!

  “I don’t suppose you have anything in your jewelry collection that can handle disguises, do you?”

  Despite our predicament, Massha gave a low laugh.

  “Think about it, High Roller. If I had anything that could do disguises, would I walk around looking like this?”

  “So we get to take on a world of hot-shot magic types with our own cover fire on low ammo,” Guido summarized.

  “Okay. So it’ll be a little tougher than I thought at first. Just remember my partner has been getting along pretty well these last few years without any powers at all.”

  “Your partner is currently sitting in the hoosegow for murder,” Guido said pointedly. “That’s why we’re here in the first place. Remember?”

  “Besides,” I continued, ignoring his comment (that’s another skill I’ve learned from Aahz), “it’s never been our intention ‘to take on the whole world.” All we want to do is perform a quick hit and run. Grab Aahz and get back out with as little contact with the natives as possible. All this means is that we’ve got to be a little more careful. That’s all.”

  “What about running down the trio we started out to retrieve?”

  I thought briefly about the blonde who had warned us of Aahz’s predicament.

  “That’s part of being more careful,” I announced solemnly. “If ... I mean, when we get Aahz out of jail, we’ll head for home and count ourselves as lucky. So we ... pay off the Deveels. It’s a ... cheap price to ... pay for ...”

  I realized the staff was looking at me a little askance. I also realized that my words had been gradually slowing to a painful broken delivery as I reached the part about paying off the Deveels.

  I cleared my throat and tried again.

  “Ummm, let’s just say we’ll reappraise the situation once we’ve reached Aahz. Okay?”

  The troops still looked a little dubious, so I thought it would be best if I pushed on to the next subject.

  “As to the opposition, let’s pool our knowledge of vampires so we have an idea of what we’re up against. Now, we know they can shape-change into bats or dogs”

  “... or just into a cloud of mist,” Massha supplied.

  “They drink blood,” Guido said grimly.

  “They don’t like bright light or crosses ...”

  “... and they can be killed by a stake through their heart or ...”

  “They drink blood.”

  “Enough with the drinking blood! Okay, Guido?”

  I was starting to get more than a little annoyed with my bodyguard’s endless pessimism. I mean, none of us was particularly pleased by the way things were going, but there was nothing to be gained by dwelling on the negatives.

  “Sorry, Boss. I guess looking on the dark side of things gets to be a habit in my business.”

  “Garlic!” Massha exclaimed suddenly.

  “What’s that?”

  “I said ‘garlic’,” she repeated. “Vampires don’t like garlic!”

  “That’s right! How about it, Guido? Do you have any garlic along?”

  The bodyguard actually looked embarrassed.

  “Can’t stand the stuff,” he admitted “The other boys in the Mob used to razz me about it, but it makes me break out in a rash.”

  Terrific. We probably had the only Mob member in existence who was allergic to garlic. Another brilliant idea shot to hell.

  “Well,” I said, heaving a sigh, “now we know what we’re up against.”

  “Ummm ... say, Hot Stuff?” Massha said softly. “All kidding aside. Aren’t we a little overmatched on this one? I mean, Dark and Deadly here can hold up his end on the physical protection side, but I’m not sure my jewelry collection is going to be enough to cover us magically.”

  “I appreciate the vote of confidence,” Guido smiled sadly, “but I’m not sure my hardware is going to do us a lick of good against vampires. With the Boss out of action on the magic side ...”

  “Don’t count me out so fast. My magic may not be at full power, but I can still pull off a trick or two if things really get rough.”

  Massha frowned. “But the force lines ...”

  “There’s one little item I’ve omitted from your lessons so far, apprentice,” I said with a smug little grin. “It hasn’t really been necessary what with the energy so plentiful on Deva ... as a matter of fact; I’ve kind of gotten out of the habit myself. Anyway, what it boils down to is that you don’t always tap into a force line to work magic. You can store the energy internally like a battery so that it’s there when you need it. While we’ve been talking, I’ve been charging up, so I can provide a bit of magical cover as needed. Now, I won’t be able to do anything prolonged like a constant disguise spell, and what I’ve got I’ll want to use carefully because it’ll take a while to recharge after each use, but we won’t be relying on your jewelry completely.”

  I had expected a certain amount of excitement from the staff when they found out I wasn’t totally helpless. Instead, they looked uncomfortable. They exchanged glances, and then looked at the sky, then at the ground.

  “Ummm ... does this mean we’re going on?” Guido said at last.

  “That’s right,” I said, lips tight. “In fact, I probably would have gone on even if my powers were completely gone. Somewhere out there my partner’s in trouble, and I’m not going to back away from at least trying to help him. I’d do the same if it was one of you, but we’re talking about Aahz here. He’s saved my skin more times than I care to remember. I can’t just ...
”

  I caught myself and brought my voice back under control.

  “Look,” I said, starting again. “I’ll admit we never expected this vampire thing when we started out, and the limited magic handicap is enough to give anyone pause. If either or both of you want to head back, you can do it without hard feelings or guilt trips. Really. The only reason I’m pushing on is that I know me. Whatever is up ahead, it can’t be any worse than what I would put myself through if I left Aahz alone to die without trying my best to bail him out. But that’s me. If you want out, go ahead.”

  “Don’t get your back up, Hot Stuff,” Massha chided gently. “I’m still not sure how much help I’m going to be, but I’ll tag along. I’d probably have the same problem if anything happened to you and I wasn’t there, that you’d have if anything happened to Aahz. I am your apprentice, you know”

  “Bodyguarding ain’t much, but it’s all I know,” Guido said glumly. “I’m supposed to be guardin’ that body of yours, so where it goes, I go. I’m just not wild about the odds, know what I mean?”

  “Then it’s settled,” I said firmly. “All right. As I see it, our next stop is Blut.”

  “Blut,” Massha echoed carefully.

  “That’s right. I want to look up this Dispatcher character and see what he has to say. I mean, a town is a town, and we’ve all visited strange towns before. What we really need now is information, and the nearest source seems to be Blut.”

  “The Dispatcher,” Massha said without enthusiasm.”

  “Blut,” Guido repeated with even less joyful anticipation.

  It occurred to me that while my assistants were bound and determined to stay with me on this caper, if I wanted wholehearted support, I’d better look for it from the natives ... a prospect I didn’t put much hope in at all.

  REMEMBER HOW I said that if you’ve seen one town, you’ve seen ‘em all? Well, forget it. Even though I’ve visited a lot of dimensions and seen a lot of towns, I had to admit that Blut looked a little strange.