MA05 Myth-ing Persons

by Robert Asprin

  I avoided her eyes, staring hard at the wall monitors. “There might be another explanation, you know” My apprentice gave out a bark of laughter.

  “If there is, I’m dying to hear it. Face it, High Roller, any way you look at it the situation stinks. If they cooked up a frame that tight on Green and Scaly on such short notice, I’m dying to see what kind of a trap they’ve got waiting for you now that they’ve had time to get ready before inviting you to step in.”

  It occurred to me that I had never been that mouthy when I was an apprentice. It also occurred to me that now I understood why Aahz had gotten so angry on the rare occasions when I had voiced an opinion ... and the rarer times when I was right.

  “I think I missed a lap in this conversation somewhere.” Vilhelm frowned. “I take it you know the witnesses?”

  Massha proceeded to bring the Dispatcher up to date, with Guido growling counterpoint to the theme. For once I was glad to let them do the talking. It gave me a chance to collect my scattered thoughts and try to formulate a plan. When they finished, I still had a long way to go on both counts.

  “I must admit, viewed from the light of this new information, the whole thing does sound a little suspicious,” the vampire said thoughtfully.

  A little suspicious!” Massha snorted. “It’s phonier than a smiling Deveel!”

  “Tell ya what,” Guido began, “just give us a few minutes alone with these witnesses of yours and we’ll shake the truth out of ‘em.”

  “I’m afraid that will be a little difficult,” the Dispatcher said, eyeing the ceiling. “You see, they haven’t been around for a while. Disappeared right after the trial.”

  “The trial!?” I snapped, abandoning my efforts to collect my wits. “You mean the trial’s already been held?” The vampire nodded.

  “That’s right. Needless to say, your friend was found guilty.”

  “Why do I get the feeling he didn’t get a suspended sentence for a first offense?” Guido growled under his breath.

  “As a matter of fact, he’s been slated for execution at the end of the week,” Vilhelm admitted.

  That got me out of my seat and pacing.

  “We’ve got to do something,” I said needlessly. “How about it, Vilhelm? Can you help us out at all? Any chance of getting the verdict reversed or at least a stay of execution?”

  “I’m afraid not. Character witnesses alone wouldn’t change anything, and as for new evidence, it would only be your word against the existing witnesses ... and you’ve already admitted the defendant is a friend of yours. Mind you, I believe you, but there are those who would suspect you’d say anything or fabricate any kind of tale to save your partner.”

  “But can you personally give us a hand?”

  “No, I can’t,” the vampire said, turning away. “You all seem like real nice folks, and your friend is probably the salt of the earth, but I have to live here and deal with these people for a long time. If I sided with outsiders against the town legal system, my whole career would go down the drain whether I was right or not. It’s not pretty and I don’t like it, but that’s the way things are.”

  “We could fix it so you like it a lot less!” Guido said darkly, reaching into his coat.

  “Stop it, Guido,” I ordered. “Let’s not forget the help Vilhelm’s already given us. It’s a lot more than we expected to get when we first came into this dimension, so don’t go making enemies out of the only friend we’ve got locally. Okay?”

  The bodyguard sank back into his chair, muttering something I was just as glad I didn’t hear, but his hand came out of his coat empty and stayed in sight.

  “So what do we do now, Hot Stuff?” Massha sighed.

  “The only thing I can think of is to try to locate those witnesses before the execution date,” I said. “What I can’t figure is how to go about looking without getting half the town down on our necks.”

  “What we really need is a bloodhound,” Guido grumbled.

  “Say, that’s not a bad idea!” Vilhelm exclaimed, coming to life. “Maybe I can help you after all!”

  “You got a bloodhound?” the bodyguard said, raising his eyebrows.

  “Even better,” the vampire declared. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. The ones you need to get in touch with are the Woof Writers.”

  I studied him carefully to see if this were some kind of joke.

  “The Woof Writers?” I repeated at last.

  “Well, that’s what we in Blut call them behind their backs. Actually, they’re a husband-wife team of werewolves who are on a big crusade to raise sympathy for humans.”

  “Werewolves,” I said carefully.

  “Sure. We got all kinds here in Limbo. Anyway, if anyone in this dimension will be willing to stick their necks out for you, they’re the ones. They do their own thing and don’t really give a hang what any of the other locals think about it. Besides, werewolves are second to none when it comes to sniffing out a trail.”

  “Werewolves.”

  Vilhelm cocked his head at me curiously.

  “Am I imagining things, Skeeve, or didn’t you just say that?”

  “What’s more,” Massha smiled sweetly, “he’ll probably say it again. It bears repeating.”

  “Werewolves,” I said again, just to support my apprentice.

  “Boss,” Guido began, “I don’t want to say this, but nobody said anything about werewolves when we ...”

  “Good,” I interrupted brusquely. “You don’t want to say it, and I don’t want to hear it. Now that we’re in agreement, let’s just pass on it and ...”

  “But Boss! We can’t team up with werewolves.”

  “Guido, we just went over this. We’re in a tight spot and in a strange dimension. We can’t afford to be choosy about our allies.”

  “You don’t understand, Boss. I’m allergic to ‘em!”

  I sank down into a chair and hid my face in my hands.

  “I thought you were allergic to garlic,” I said through my fingers.

  “That, too,” the bodyguard said. “But mostly I’m allergic to furry things like kitties or fur coats or ...”

  “... or werewolves,” Massha finished for him. “Frankly, Dark and Deadly, one starts to wonder how you’ve been able to function effectively all these years.”

  “Hey, it doesn’t come up all that often, know what I mean?” Guido argued defensively. “How many times have you been attacked by somethin’ furry?”

  “Not as often as I’d like!” Massha leered.

  “Enough, you two,” I ordered, raising my head. “Guido, have you ever actually been near a werewolf?”

  “Well, no. But ...”

  “Then until we know for sure, we’ll assume you’re not allergic to them. Okay? Vilhelm, exactly where do we find these Woof Writers of yours?”

  “BOSS, JUST WHERE the hell is Pahkipsee?”

  I found myself wondering if all bodyguards spent most of their time complaining, or if I had just gotten lucky.

  “Look, Guido. You were there and heard the same instructions I did. If Vilhelm was right, it should be just up the road here a couple more miles.”

  “... a rather dead bedroom community, fit only for those not up to the fast lane lifestyle of the big city,” Massha quoted in a close imitation of the vampire’s voice.

  Guido snickered rudely.

  “Why do I get the feeling you didn’t particularly warm to Vilhelm, Massha?” I suppressed a grin of my own.

  “Maybe it’s because he’s the only guy we’ve met she hasn’t made a pass at?” Guido suggested.

  Massha favored him with an extended tongue and crossed eyes before answering.

  “Oh, Vilhelm’s okay,” she said. “Kinda cute, too ... at least the top of his head was. And he did admit that in general vampires were more partial to cities
and parties while werewolves preferred the back-to-nature atmosphere of rural living. I just didn’t like the crack, that’s all. I grew up on a farm, you know. Country breakfasts have a lot to do with my current panoramic physique. Besides, something inside says you shouldn’t trust a smiling vampire ... or at least you shouldn’t trust him too far.”

  I had been about to mention the fact that I had grown up on a farm, too, but withheld the information. Obviously, farm food hadn’t particularly affected my physique, and I didn’t want to rob my apprentice of her excuse.

  “If he had wanted to do us harm, all he would have had to do was blow the whistle on us while we were still in town,” I pointed out. “Let’s just take things at face value and assume he was really being as nice as he seemed ... for all our peace of minds.”

  I wished I was as confident as I sounded. We were a long way out in the boondocks, and if Vilhelm had wanted to send us off on a wild goose chase, he couldn’t have picked a better direction to start us off in.

  “Yeah, well I’d feel a lot better if we weren’t being followed,” Guido grumbled.

  I stopped in my tracks. So did Massha ... in her tracks, that is. The bodyguard managed to stumble into us before bringing his own forward progress to a halt.

  “What is it, Boss? Something wrong?”

  “For a minute there, I thought I heard you say that we were being followed.”

  “Yeah. Since we left the Dispatcher’s. Why does ... you mean you didn’t know?”

  I resisted an impulse to throttle him.

  “No, Guido. I didn’t know. You see, my bodyguard didn’t tell me. He was too busy complaining about the road conditions to have time to mention anything as trivial as someone following us.”

  Guido took a few shaky steps backward.

  “Hey! C’mon, Boss. Don’t be like that. I thought you knew! Honest. Whoever’s back there isn’t doin’ such a hot job of hiding the fact that they’re dogging our trail. Any idiot could’ve spotted ... I mean ...”

  “Keep going, Dark and Deadly,” Massha urged. “You’re digging yourself in further with every word, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  With great effort I brought myself back under control. “Whatever,” I said. “I don’t suppose you have any idea who it is?”

  “Naw. There’s only one of ‘em. Unless ...”

  His voice trailed off into silence and he looked suddenly worried.

  “Out with it, Guido. Unless what?”

  “Well, sometimes when you’re getting really tricky about tailing someone, you put one real clumsy punk out front so’s they can be spotted while you keep your real ace hitter hidden. I hadn’t stopped to think of that before. This turkey behind us could be a decoy, know what I mean?”

  “I thought you used decoys for ducks, not turkeys,” Massha scowled.

  “Well, if that’s what’s happening, then we’re sitting ducks, if it makes you feel any better.”

  “Could both of you just be quiet for a few minutes and let me think?” I said, suddenly impatient with their banter.

  “Well, maybe it isn’t so bad,” Guido said in a doubtful voice. “I’m pretty sure I would have spotted the backup team if there was one.”

  “Oh sure,” Massha sneered. “Coming out of a town full of vampires that can change themselves into mist whenever they want. Of course you’d spot them.”

  “Hey. The Boss here can chew on me if he wants, but I don’t have to take that from you. You didn’t even spot the turkey, remember?”

  “The only turkey I can see is ...”

  “Enough!” I ordered, having arrived at a decision despite their lack of cooperation. “We have to find out for sure who’s behind us and what they want. This is as good a place as any, so I suggest we all retire into the bushes and wait for our shadow to catch up with us ... No, Massha. I’ll be over here with Guido. You take the other side of the road.”

  That portion of my plan had less to do with military strategy than with an effort on my part to preserve what little was left of my nerves. I figured the only way to shut the two of them up was to separate them.

  “I’m sorry, Boss,” Guido whispered as we crouched side by side in the brush. “I keep forgettin’ that you aren’t as into crime as the boys I usually run with.”

  Well, I had been half right. Massha on the other side of the road was being quiet, but as long as he had someone to talk to, Guido was going to keep on expressing his thoughts and opinions. I was starting to understand why Don Bruce insisted on doing all the talking when the bodyguards were around. Encouraging employees to speak up as equals definitely had its drawbacks.

  “Will you keep your voice down?” I tried once more. “This is supposed to be an ambush.”

  “Don’t worry about that, Boss. It’ll be a while before they catch up, and when they do, I’ll hear ‘em before ...”

  “Is that you, Skeeve?”

  The voice came from the darkness just up the road.

  I gave Guido my darkest glare, and he rewarded it with an apologetic shrug that didn’t look particularly sincere to me.

  Then it dawned on me where I had heard that voice before.

  “Right here,” I said, rising from my crouch and stepping onto the road. “We’ve been waiting for you. I think it’s about time we had a little chat.”

  Aside from covering my embarrassment over having been discovered, that had to be my best understatement in quite a while. The last time I had seen this particular person, she was warning me about Aahz’s imprisonment “Good.”

  She stepped forward to meet me. “That’s why I’ve been following you. I was hoping we could ...”

  Her words stopped abruptly as Guido and Massha rose from the bushes and moved to join us.

  “Well, look who’s here,” Massha said, Hashing one of her less pleasant smiles.

  “If it isn’t the little bird who sang to the vampires,” Guido leered, matching my apprentice’s threatening tone.

  The girl favored them with a withering glance, and then faced me again.

  “I was hoping we could talk alone. I’ve got a lot to say and not much time to say it. It would go faster if we weren’t interrupted.”

  “Not a chance, Sweetheart,” Guido snarled. “I’m not goin’ to let the Boss out of my sight with you around.”

  “... besides which, I’ve got a few things to tell you myself,” Massha added, “like what I think of folks who think frames look better on people than on paintings.”

  The girl’s eyes never left mine. For all her bravado, I thought I could detect in their depths an appeal for help.

  “Please,” she said softly.

  I fought a brief skirmish in my mind, and, as usual, common sense lost.

  “All right.”

  “WHAT! C’mon, Boss. You can’t let her get you alone! If her pals are around ...”

  “Hot Stuff, if I have to sit on you, you aren’t going to ...”

  “Look!” I said, wrenching my eyes away from the girl to confront my mutinous staff. “We’ll only go a few steps down the road there, in plain sight. If anything happens you’ll be able to pitch in before it gets serious.”

  “But ...”

  “... and you certainly can’t think she’s going to jump me. I mean, it’s a cinch she isn’t carrying any concealed weapons.”

  That was a fact. She had changed outfits since the last time I saw her, probably to fit in more with the exotic garb favored by the party loving vampires. She was wearing what I’ve heard referred to as a “tank top” which left her midsection and navel delightfully exposed, and the open-sided skirt (if you can call two Haps of cloth that) showed her legs up past her hips. If she had a weapon with her, she had swallowed it. Either that, or ... I dragged my thoughts back to the argument.

  “The fact of the matter is that she isn’t going to talk in front
of a crowd. Now, am I going to get a chance to hear another viewpoint about what’s going on, or are we going to keep groping around for information with Aahz’s life hanging in the balance?”

  My staff fell silent and exchanged glances, each waiting for the other to risk the next blast.

  “Well, okay,” Massha agreed at last. “But watch yourself, Hot Stuff. Remember, poison can come in pretty bottles.”

  So, under the ever watchful glares of my assistants, I retired a few steps down the road for my first words alone with ...

  “Say, what is your name, anyway?”

  “Hmmm? Oh. I’m Luanna. Say, thanks for backing me up. That’s a pretty mean-looking crew you hang around with. I had heard you had a following, but I hadn’t realized how nasty they were.”

  “Oh, they’re okay once you get to know them. If you worked with them on a day-to-day basis, you’d find out that they ... heck, none of us are really as dangerous or effective as the publicity hype cuts us out to be.”

  I was suddenly aware of her eyes on me. Her expression was strange ... sort of a bitter half-smile.

  “I’ve always heard that really powerful people tended to understate what they can do, that they don’t have to brag. I never really believed it until now;”

  I really didn’t know what to say to that. I mean, my reputation had gotten big enough that I was starting to get used to being recognized and talked about at the Bazaar, but what she was displaying was neither fear nor envy. Among my own set of friends, admiration or praise was always carefully hidden within our own brand of rough humor or teasing. Faced with the undiluted form of the same thing, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

  “Ummm, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

  Her expression fell and she dropped her eyes.

  “This is so embarrassing. Please be patient with me, Skeeve ... is it all right if I call you Skeeve? I haven’t had much experience with saying ‘I’m sorry’ ... heck, I haven’t had much experience with people at all. Just partners and pigeons. Now that I’m here, I really don’t know what to say.

  “Why don’t we start at the beginning?” I wanted to ease her discomfort. “Did you really swindle the Deveels back at the Bazaar?”