Waiting for Autumn

by DeRouen, J. A.

  A bang in the kitchen catches my attention, and I turn to see Isaac watching me with wide eyes. He holds up a spoon as an excuse for why he’s got front row seats to my meltdown but makes no attempt to make himself scarce.

  “Wanna have a seat? Grab some popcorn for the show?”

  Isaac jolts at my sarcasm and takes off like a shot. He forgot the bowl of whatever he was eating on the counter, but I’d bet my ass he won’t be coming back.

  “All of that shit is real. I’m not saying it isn’t, Seb. You have every right to be angry, upset, and whatever the hell else you’re feeling about all this. But you need to put that shit aside for now and just take it all in. You’ve got a daughter.” Brady chuckles, and I can almost picture him shaking his head and smirking. “And just wait ’til you meet her, man. It’s like God took the best parts of you and Autumn and smushed them into the cutest fucking person I’ve ever seen. When she laughs? Swear to God, my chest cracks open and I bleed on the floor. That little girl knows how to make it rain candy when her Uncle Brady’s around.”

  I hear the sheer awe in his voice, and it lays me out.

  “Stop,” I whisper, doing everything I can to hold the “what-ifs” at bay. “And if you ever say my daughter’s name and ‘make it rain’ in the same sentence again, I’ll shave your eyebrows again. Both of them this time.”

  Brady’s belly laugh on the other end of the line splinters the cord of tension in my spine, and I let out a long sigh.

  “Look, Autumn’s angry because you left. Understandable. You’re pissed because you didn’t know about Aria. Also understandable. Nobody is disputing you’ve both been wronged, whether intentional or by the bitch of circumstance. But in the midst of all this butt-hurt is a little girl who deserves to know her father. Let the past go for now—you’ve got all the time in the world to deal with your shit, and Autumn’s shit, and whatever else is twisting your britches. But you not knowing Aria? It’s gone on for far too long, and that’s where every bit of your energy needs to be. With Aria. With my niece.”

  “When I woke up this morning, my biggest worry was getting to the shower before Isaac stunk the place up with his rotten, teenaged guts.” Brady laughs, and I shake my head. “Seriously, it’s like he’s fermenting roadkill in there. Armadillo scraps, with a side of skunk juice.”

  “And we smelled like fucking daisies?”

  “I did. You smelled like a mixture of pork rinds and corn chips.”

  “Some things never change.” He chuckles and lets out a little sniff. “A couple of hours on the basketball court and I’m sporting an aroma even a mother couldn’t love.”

  The easy back-and-forth between us shows me Brady’s right—some things never change. I never could stay mad at Brady. And I’m one lucky son of a bitch because he can’t ever stay mad at me either. Even when he’s been a party to hiding my daughter from me.

  “I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the last five years. How did this never come out? My parents would have known. The gossips of the town would have known.” I rack my brain for a logical explanation and come up empty. “There’s no way my parents kept this from me. As disappointed as they may have been, they’d never—”

  “Nah, they didn’t know anything. My parents, Seb, you know how they are. They can be very resourceful if need be. They pulled a throwback move from the 1950s and sent Autumn to stay with Aunt Dorothy in Providence. Home school for her senior year, then she stayed in Providence for college.” Brady laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Let’s just say we spent a ton of holidays in Providence rather than having the girls come to Prosper.”

  Fists clenched and temper flaring, I rein in my fury. “So, they treated Autumn and Aria like their dirty little secret? Are you kidding me?”

  “Look, I love my parents, faults and all, and I don’t want to believe the worst of them. But, yeah, I guess it felt that way sometimes. Somehow, it was always more convenient for us to go to them. I don’t know if Autumn ever felt the sting of it or if that’s even what was going on, but I can’t lie—it grated on me. But again, not my story to tell.”

  Would the Norrises ever stop pushing Autumn to the back burner? They’ve been doing it for so long, I hardly expect them to realize it. And to hide my daughter away like a dirty secret? I don’t foresee a happy reunion between Autumn’s parents and me. They’ve hated me for years, and right now, the feeling is mutual.

  If only I’d known … Autumn and Aria would never have felt even the hint of a slight. I’d have been so proud to have them by my side.

  Both of them ... though the thought seemed to pop out of thin air. Surely, I only mean Aria.

  “Knowing these things isn’t helping me to let shit go,” I say with an irritated growl. “I’d say it’s having the exact opposite effect.”

  “Then forget I said anything. Besides, that’s only how I saw it. You’d have to ask Autumn to get the real story.” A barrage of whistles comes through the earpiece, and Brady hollers a muffled reply. “Look, I’ve got to get back to the game. Just remember, nobody knows better than me how your life can change in an instant. It doesn’t necessarily have to be all bad. Actually, for you, with Aria? I have a feeling it’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, man.”

  “Lie to me again, trust me, they’ll never find the body.”

  “Yours or mine?”

  I shake my head and laugh. Honestly, if time has taught me anything, it’s that you can never count Brady Norris out.

  “Hey, Brady?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I meet my daughter tomorrow,” I whisper, taking in every feeling those words elicit and holding them close.

  “Yeah, you are. Prepare to fall in love, man. Tell my niece I miss her like crazy.”

  Chapter 20

  Sebastian

  Present Day

  Haven, LA

  Loving Autumn was never a conscious decision. No, our relationship was a living, breathing thing, constantly morphing and changing through the years. Maybe that was why losing her rocked me to my very core. Because loving her was like a golden thread of memories woven into the deepest part of me.

  When five-year-old Autumn gave me half of her Fun Dip—all purple-stained teeth and lopsided pigtails.

  At ten years old, her fingers laced with mine as we huddled together in our favorite hide-and-seek spot. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I wanted to get closer to her.

  Then the summer I broke my leg. That year was the final stitch—the summer I fell. While Autumn made it her mission to salvage my vacation, day by cooped-up day, I fell in love with my best friend’s little sister.

  The falling was slow and sweet and permanent. Every kiss, touch, and whispered word was a building block added to the mountain of I love you. There was no zing of electricity or love at first sight. I’ve never really believed in such things.

  Until the moment I lay eyes on my daughter.

  Watching my little girl tangled in her mother’s legs, stealing peeks at me, a complete stranger, through her unruly curls, my heart can barely stand the pressure. I’m overrun … floored … completely overwhelmed by the gigantic feeling of there you are.

  And I stand frozen in the doorway as she watches me with guarded eyes.

  I’m a likable guy—a real charmer, if I’m being honest. I’m usually gifted with the ability to suck the awkward out of most situations. It’s a useful skill most days. But today, when it really counts, I’ve got nothing. I should know what to do, what to say to make my daughter fall instantly in love with me the way I have with her, but I come up empty. I’m left here, holding a pizza box and a look of sheer terror. All I can do is stare dumbfounded at the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen. It takes every ounce of effort to hold back the competing emotions of unimaginable loss and sheer awe.

  “Aria, this is the visitor I told you about earlier,” Autumn says, trying to grab her attention as she burrows deeper into her skirt. “Can you tell Sebastian hello?”r />
  “Hi.” She releases the word as a labored huff and doesn’t dare meet my gaze.

  “H-hey Aria, it’s nice to meet you,” I stammer, then raise up the box in my hand. “I brought pizza.”

  I brought pizza? THOSE are my first words to my daughter?

  Aria tugs on Autumn’s skirt, and when her mom bends down to her level, she whispers into her ear. Her eyes stray to me once, for a split second, then she darts across the apartment, her glittered shoes streaking in a flash of sparkle.

  Autumn smiles sympathetically, grabs the box from my hand, and squeezes my shoulder.

  “Breathe, Sebastian, it’s going to be fine.”

  I brush off the apprehension bubbling inside my gut and shake my head. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew how close I am to puking on your shoes.”

  Her eyes widen like saucers as she places the pizza on the counter. We’re alone in the kitchen, but the wonderful whisper of a little voice filters from Aria’s bedroom. I crane my neck to try and catch a glimpse inside.

  “She always does that. Talks to herself constantly. To her stuffed animals, imaginary friends, her hairbrush.” Autumn chuckles. “Quiet isn’t really her thing.”

  “She gave me one syllable. One.” I scowl, feeling deflated.

  “It’ll take time. Some kids are like dogs. They aim to please and are always excited to see you.” She tosses her head in the direction of Aria’s bedroom. “That one in there? She’s a cat. Makes you work for it.”

  “You’d think two Cocker Spaniels like us would—”

  “Siamese cat all the way.” Autumn laughs, crossing her arms.

  Our effortless banter eases a bit of the tension knotted between my shoulder blades. Tonight is a mountain climb without safety gear, so I’m happy to see at least one thing will go smoothly. Quite frankly, I’m too keyed up to be angry at Autumn right now. Kindness on her part may be the product of sheer pity, but hey, I’ll take what I can get at this point.

  “So, what did you tell her?”

  “I kept it vague. I told her a new family member would be stopping by to meet her tonight.” Autumn wrings her hands and sighs. “Look, I know you probably wanted more, but I feel like this is the starting point she’d be okay with. I have to protect her, Seb.”

  “No, no I respect your decision,” I say, waving off her hesitations. “I’ve had some time to think—and talk to Brady—”

  “Lord, do I even want to know what he said?”

  “Oh, he had a lot to say. You know Brady. But he made a lot of sense. Talked me down off the ledge like only he can. I was harsh yesterday, and I apologize.” I put my hand up to stop her from interrupting. She presses her lips together and frowns. “Wait, just let me say this. I’m still angry and frustrated and all those things we talked about yesterday. And you’ve got your own reasons for hating me, too. But I’m not going let those emotions lead me, and I hope you agree. I respect your decision because I know you have Aria’s best interests at heart. And so do I. The rest of it? All of that can wait until later. Right now, I just want to get to know my daughter. Okay?”

  Autumn offers me a thin smile and nods. “Okay.”

  “Do you think I can…” I motion toward Aria’s door, and Autumn nods.

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll just get the pizza on plates.” She runs her palms down the front of her dress and shuffles to the kitchen. “Sebastian?”

  “Yeah?” I turn back to the kitchen to find Autumn wringing her hands and staring a hole in the floor.

  “I don’t hate you,” she whispers, only meeting my eyes for a split second before looking away.

  I nod because I understand. No, that’s all wrong. I don’t understand anything at all, and I know she doesn’t either.

  I wish I could hate Autumn. Hate would be easy. Simple. A singular emotion I could identify and understand as opposed to this tangled mess.

  If I’m honest with myself, hate isn’t the emotion I wish to single out when I see Autumn standing across the room.

  “Me either.”

  And I turn and walk away.

  * * *

  I peek around the doorframe into Aria’s room, and she’s half hidden in her closet as she reaches up on her tippy toes to get … something. I see my “in” and take it.

  “Can I help you get something?” I ask with a hopefully helpful-looking smile.

  She eyes me warily but points to a pink book bag hanging from a tad too high hook. I remove it from the hook and hand it to her. She clutches it to her chest and backs away from me like I’ve kicked her puppy.

  “First day of school tomorrow?” I gesture to the bag in her hand, and she nods as she crawls up onto her bed.

  Unicorn. Fuzzy heart. Some kind of troll with the wildest mop of pink hair I’ve ever seen. One by one, Aria loads her book bag full of stuffed animals as she keeps her back turned to me. Yeah, I have a feeling Autumn will be unloading all of this later.

  “Momma says you’re part of our family. Like Uncle Brady,” she says without stopping what she’s doing.

  “I sure am.”

  “So where ya been?”

  Her question is more accusatory than I expected, coming from a four-year-old. She looks over her shoulder for a moment and gives me a once-over. I lower myself onto the farthest edge of her bed, and she watches me with guarded curiosity. Her hard gaze is in direct contrast with the soft brown curls framing her face, falling like loosely coiled springs down her back. Yes, Aria is a formidable opponent.

  “I-I was lost.” How do you explain something so complicated in a simple way? “Both me and your mom were lost, and we didn’t know how to find each other. But now that we have, I hope you don’t mind if I stick around.”

  She zips up the book bag and turns around, feet dangling off the side of the bed, giving me nothing but her profile.

  “Momma told me when you lose somefing, you should try to ‘member the last place you had it.”

  “Oh, believe me, I am. I’m starting to remember lots of things.”

  Aria releases the tiniest giggle as her feet sway off the side of the bed, and her fingers lay clasped gently in her lap. The sound hits me square in the chest, and I swear to God, time slows to a crawl as I take it all in.

  Everything comes into focus, like one of those graphics with a hidden picture that was there all along. The love between Autumn and me was an ongoing fairy tale, carefully weaving its way into the fabric of my life. But falling in love with my daughter is a rush of emotion, washing over me like a tsunami.

  Autumn is the story I’ve known my entire life.

  Aria? She is a revelation.

  Chapter 21

  Sebastian

  Present Day

  Haven, LA

  “Whatddaya say, old man? Theo’s Ribs & Legs for lunch today? Just me, you, and Marge.” Lexi places a steaming cup of black coffee in front of Joe while he coughs up a lung.

  “Oh, I don’t know, Lexi-Lou. Marge ain’t feeling so hot these days. Doesn’t like to get out much.” He tries to lift his mouth into a smile, but it isn’t quite up to the task. The lines etched in Joe’s face used to tell the story of a life well-lived, but lately, he looks more weary than weathered.

  It’s been a few years since I bought the coffee shop from Joe and Marge, and we all hoped they would take to the road. Buy an RV and ride off on an epic US national park tour. But instead of reviving the old couple, selling the shop seems to have taken the wind out of their sails. Their bodies are shoddy makeshift tents, and retirement was a storm that blew in with a vengeance.

  This realization hit us all hard, but no one harder than Lexi. While I don’t know the whole story, I wasn’t the first wayward kid Joe and Marge swooped in and saved. When I first came to Haven, Lexi lived with the Reynolds and only moved out on her own in the last couple of years. I think Joe and Marge are the parents Lexi always wished she’d had. They’re the only people who can get through her tough exterior, that’s for sure.

  “How about you
and me then, old man? Let’s grab a movie at the cinema. Popcorn, Sno-Caps … I’ll even sneak in a few of my kitchen sink cookies for you to munch on.” She waggles her eyebrows at Joe, but he isn’t taking the bait.

  “All those picture shows are loaded with subliminal messages from the liberal agenda.” He lets out a crackled sigh and pushes his barstool back. The veins in his forehead pop while his neck flushes a deep red. Yep, the old man’s blood pressure is creeping higher by the second. “Nope, the only entertainment left for an old man like me is scratch-off lotto tickets at the Stop-N-Grab.”

  Lexi places her hands on her hips just as I touch her shoulder. She peers back at me with fiery eyes, and I shake my head and frown. Joe’s been the man he is for more decades than Lexi and I have been on this earth combined. Some fights aren’t worth having, and some ships will never change course.

  “How about Lexi and I stop by and visit later. I bet Marge would like some company,” I say, trying to meet in the middle.

  “She’d like that lots. Maybe it’ll raise her spirits some. You could bring those cookies you were talking about, Lexi Lou.” He stands to leave, and his smile looks a tad more believable now. Just a tad.

  As he walks out, Lexi elbows me in the ribs. Hard.

  “The man thinks people are feeding him hidden messages in the movies, and you want me to keep my mouth shut? Have you met me?”

  “Ok, give it to me,” I say, waving her on. “Tell me your argument. What were you about to say to Joe that would make him respond, ‘You’re absolutely right, Lexi. The liberals aren’t out to get me. I’ve been completely wrong for the last seventy years of my life.’”

  She narrows her eyes at me, then stomps her foot and storms away. Yeah, that’s damn near an apology in her world.

  I’m mid-chuckle when the entrance bell dings. My laugh fizzles in my throat as I watch Autumn and Aria approach the front counter. Both of them have backpacks on with flowy sundresses — Autumn’s is a pale yellow and Aria’s a vibrant pink. More like “grab a pair of sunglasses or risk blinding” pink. But the colors of their clothes aren’t what truly shines. Autumn has always looked like she travels with her own bit of sun in her pocket. Like mother, like daughter.