Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes

by Amanda Martin

  “But you…” she cut across Helen’s protests, “you, have a talent. And a need to make it pay. So get out there girl and make it pay.”

  Looking at the fierceness in Dawn’s face, Helen was suddenly daunted. Dawn was usually so mild. She wondered if Dawn was tired of having her moping around the house. She was about to apologise for being a nuisance when something clicked in her mind, as if she had suddenly gained access to Dawn’s true intentions. This was Dawn’s Mother face. Being a mother was obviously about more than putting plasters on grazed knees and soothing away nightmares. It was also about knowing when to be hard, knowing when to push and when to pause. Her own mother had opted to give her children space to find their own way but she, too, would be the first to be fierce when the occasion demanded.

  So, rather than protesting or feeling defensive, Helen decided to take Dawn’s advice. Back in her room after breakfast, she fired up her laptop and dug out the notes Derek had given them on how to approach freelance work. It was good to have a purpose again.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Ms Morley? You can come through now.”

  Helen swallowed, wiping her sweaty palms on her trousers. Looking around the room she caught sight of a woman smiling encouragingly at her. The woman was resting a book on her enormous bump and the sight made Helen feel warm.

  “Helen? Come on, it’s your turn.”

  Maggie tapped Helen’s knee and nodded at the uniformed woman who had summoned them and was now disappearing down a corridor.

  “Oh, Mum, I’m not sure I can do this.”

  “It’s just a scan darling, to make sure everything is okay. You’re lucky; we didn’t have them in our day. We just crossed our fingers and hoped for the best.”

  Helen followed her mother down the corridor. “What if everything isn’t okay?”

  “Then we’ll know now rather than in six months’ time. Forewarned is forearmed darling, now do come along.”

  Helen smiled at her mother’s impatience. She knew her mother was keen to see her first grandchild and didn’t share the horrid dread that had kept Helen awake half the night.

  They were taken into a small dimly lit room with a bed and a monitor. The midwife gestured for Helen to lie on the bed and asked her to roll up her t-shirt.

  “I just need to apply some gel. It might be a bit cold.”

  “That’s okay, it’s baking outside.” Helen tried to hide her nervousness.

  “Just relax. We’ll see little one in a minute.”

  The midwife spread freezing-cold gel across Helen’s slightly rounded stomach, then took a handheld gadget and moved it in steady sweeps across her skin. She wasn’t looking at Helen but at the monitor, which was turned away from Helen and her mother. Obviously if it was bad news the woman wanted to be able to break it gently.

  The midwife was silent as she studied the monitor. A small crease appeared between her brows.

  “Is everything okay?” This time it was Maggie who sounded nervous.

  The midwife didn’t respond immediately and Maggie was about to repeat her question when the midwife turned and smiled, releasing the tension that had built around her silence.

  “Everything is more than fine. Two lovely strong heart beats.”

  “Two?” Helen’s stomach dropped like an out-of-control rollercoaster.

  “Twins,” the midwife confirmed. “It’s too early to say what gender, but definitely two.”

  She swung the monitor around and swept her gadget across Helen’s stomach again. As they all watched the screen, white lines appeared out of the blackness. At first Helen couldn’t make any sense of them. Then a head appeared and a spine. As the gadget ran down the side of her stomach another spine appeared.

  The midwife began clicking with her mouse, taking various measurements on screen. She talked as she worked, explaining that she was measuring the size of the heads, the length of the spines, looking for abnormalities.

  “It’s harder to tell with twins, as they’re all jumbled together. You’ll be able to see better at your twenty-week scan. Your midwife will tell you all the details. Would you like a copy of the picture?”

  Maggie and Helen both nodded, mesmerised by the sight on the screen. Twins.

  Helen wasn’t sure what to feel. Relief that her baby, her babies, were fine washed over her. At the same time something else took root and grew at a terrible pace until it was wrapped around her lungs, starving her of oxygen.

  As the midwife left the room to call the next expectant mother, Helen felt herself sinking.

  “Mum.” Her voice was so faint her mum didn’t hear. She tried again. “Mum! Twins? How am I going to cope with twins? Oh my god. I should be sharing this with Daniel, he should be looking after me, they are our children. I miss him so much, Mum. What am I going to do?”

  With that, she put her hands over her eyes and wept.

  The apartment seemed minute when they arrived back later. Helen looked around what used to be her sanctuary and tried to imagine bringing two babies up in the tiny space. She couldn’t imagine it. Instead her mind reverberated with one word, over and over. Twins. Twins. Twins! She wanted to call Daniel, tell him the news. She wondered if it would change his mind. Maybe she should send him a copy of the scan picture in the post?

  What am I thinking? I don’t want him back, no matter how terrified I am at the thought of caring for twins by myself.

  She desperately wanted to believe her own thoughts but they rang false in her mind. At that moment even a total bastard of a partner seemed better than no partner at all.

  Helen could tell her mother was biting her tongue, wanting to offer advice but not sure how best to comfort her daughter. She knew, too, that her mother would probably advise her to move back to Devon, and prayed she wouldn’t. She couldn’t think about that now.

  She had only been back in her apartment for a couple of days; she had a freelance job to go to in the morning, her first paying job since the magazine cover. Just when she thought she had found her feet, they had been bowled from underneath her again.

  It feels like the universe is having a mighty laugh at my expense and I’m getting sick of it.

  It was difficult to avoid each other in the tiny apartment. Maggie went out on the excuse of buying food for dinner, leaving Helen to consider things by herself. She tried to remember Dawn’s words.

  Strength will come.

  She thought she had found strength. She’d dragged herself around a dozen and more publishing houses, touting her wares. After two terrible weeks of rejections finally one place, Aspiration Publications, had offered her a trial job on a reduced rate.

  They’d all told her the same thing – one lucky shot didn’t make a photographer. She had no real portfolio for them to judge her on, only the shots she’d taken on her course. She was lucky to be given a trial and suspected it had more to do with Derek’s references than her own talent. And now all she wanted to do was curl up in the corner and cry.

  “It’s not fair!” she yelled into the silent apartment. She slammed the bathroom door and kicked away some shoes lying in the hallway. Finally she threw herself full length on the bed and succumbed to a fresh wave of tears. If I don’t stop crying soon, she thought humourlessly, I’m going to drown.

  When her mother called her from the bedroom that evening, urging her to eat, Helen felt drained and hollow. It was a struggle to think about food but she knew the babies needed the calories, even if she wasn’t hungry. Heaving a sigh she dragged herself to the table, slumped down into a chair and rested her head on her hands.

  “It’s not fair,” she said again, the injustice of her situation crushing her with its weight.

  Her mother looked at her over the steaming plates of pasta on the table and raised one eyebrow.

  “You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?”

  Helen looked up in horror at her mother, her stomach squirming and her heart thudding at the tone in her voice. Then the penny dropped a
nd she laughed, the sound ringing through the tiny apartment.

  “Touché!”

  Still chuckling, Helen tucked into her dinner with renewed appetite. Her mother always said the right thing. She wasn’t being harsh; she was quoting a line from one of Helen’s favourite movies as a child, Labyrinth.

  Mum’s right, she thought. I’m acting as spoilt and childish as Sarah, though at least mum isn’t as scary as David Bowie’s Jareth. What is it Sarah says later? ‘No, it isn’t fair, but that’s the way it is.’ I have two healthy babies growing inside me, I have family and friends to support me, and I have a roof over my head. For now. It’s up to me to put in the effort to keep what’s great and not dwell on what isn’t.

  Easier said than done.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “I’m here to see Maria Harrison.”

  “Does she know you’re coming?”

  “Yes, we’re meeting for lunch.” Helen checked her watch and saw she was slightly early.

  The receptionist looked at Helen for ten seconds too long, then nodded for her to take a seat in the waiting area.

  “I’ll phone and tell her you’re here.”

  Sitting in the corner of the busy reception Helen felt like she’d stumbled into an alternative universe, one where she could watch her own life played out before her. Things hadn’t changed much since her time, although the receptionist was new.

  The same motivational posters adorned the walls, the same company brochures cluttered the coffee table in the waiting area. When she had worked here it had all made sense but now, from the outside, it seemed alien. People rushing about undertaking strange tasks, like being inside an anthill.

  When Maria had invited her for lunch, Helen had suggested they meet at the coffee shop down the road. Maria had said she didn’t have time as her diary was back-to-back. Helen wondered privately why she had suggested lunch if she were so busy. Although they had been close friends when she’d worked for the same company, they hadn’t seen much of each other since.

  Helen wasn’t sure how she felt, having lunch in the company restaurant. There was a strong likelihood she would see people she knew and she didn’t know what Daniel had told people about their breakup. Assuming Daniel still worked here. The sick feeling in her stomach reminded her that she might even bump into Daniel. What then?

  Did she want him to see her glowing from her pregnancy, see that she was carrying on life without him?

  Maybe he’ll realise what an idiot he was and he’ll want us to get back together. How would I feel about that? Of course I’d tell him to get lost. Wouldn’t I?

  Sitting forward on the edge of the mock-leather seat Helen was aware of every man that entered the foyer, surreptitiously watching them out the corner of her eye while attempting to look absorbed in a magazine.

  Come.

  Don’t come.

  Come.

  Don’t come.

  The thoughts tick-tocked through her brain.

  Come.

  Don’t come.

  When Maria finally swept into the reception Helen felt jangled and impatient to be out of sight. Daniel wouldn’t come to the restaurant – he always sent his PA to collect lunch on days when he wasn’t wining and dining clients.

  “Helen, darling, lovely to see you.”

  Maria enveloped her in a cloud of Chanel and kissed the air by each of her ears. She then stood back and scrutinised Helen in a way that made her feel like a prize racehorse.

  “You look… well. Have you been away?”

  “What you mean is I look like I’ve put on weight and have I been scoffing pasta in Paris?”

  Helen was shocked at her own audacity and nearly laughed out loud at the flabbergasted look on Maria’s face.

  “Not at all darling, you look great.”

  “Well, I have put on weight,” Helen said while Maria led the way to the restaurant as if Helen didn’t already know the way.

  “Really, it doesn’t show,” Maria lied, joining the back of the queue for food. “I assume you’re okay with the sandwich bar? We can go to the hot food counter if you want.”

  Helen had to smother a smile as she nodded her assent that sandwiches were fine. It was clear Maria thought she had let herself go after losing Daniel and wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. Always stick thin and on a permanent diet of one sort or another Maria clearly believed that Helen needed guiding away from buttery jacket potatoes and custard puddings to save her from herself.

  They sat in a corner once they had collected their food, Maria with a salad roll on rye and Helen with a brie and bacon baguette with all the trimmings. Glancing at plate in front of Helen, Maria looked at her in what she presumably thought was a sincere way.

  “Daniel leaving you hasn’t affected your appetite then? I was shocked when I heard. So terrible for you.”

  “I left him.”

  Helen tucked into her sandwich to avoid having to add anything else. She was starting to think that lunch wasn’t such a good idea.

  Since leaving work Helen had been determined to keep up with old friends. Before she met the photography group, she had been very aware of the loneliness of not being in the office day to day. After befriending Sharni and Ben, and now Dawn, she realised that some of her so-called friends from work were not really true friends at all.

  It occurred to Helen that Maria had only invited her today to get the gossip from the horse’s mouth. She wondered why it had taken her so long.

  “You left him?” Maria’s voice dripped with disbelief. Who would leave Daniel? Handsome, rich, on the up. Clearly Helen had made her own version of the truth to make herself feel better.

  “Yes.” Helen took another bite of sandwich, although steadily losing her appetite.

  “It would have been your wedding this weekend, wouldn’t it? What made you leave? Couldn’t you go through with it?”

  Helen was stunned that she hadn’t noticed the date. Maria was right; it would have been their wedding. The last three months felt like a lifetime. She felt dizzy, thinking about everything that had happened; thinking that in a different universe she would have been having the normal last-minute jitters of the bride-to-be: going on her hen do or having a last minute crisis about the dress. In some ways it all seemed rather shallow, compared with making eyebrows or growing tiny fingernails or whatever her body was doing right now.

  As she swallowed the lump clogging her throat Helen realised it made her feel sad, too. There was really no going back. Daniel hadn’t tried to contact her once to see if she was okay or to try and win her back. And still she missed him terribly.

  “Daniel’s left, you know.” Maria clearly couldn’t hold her news any longer.

  Helen looked up, surprised.

  “He’s been offered the position of CEO at some English subsidiary of a Japanese company. Massive promotion. He went last week. Six months gardening leave, can you believe? Although I doubt he’ll sit idle for six months.”

  Helen wasn’t sure what to say, what to feel. Hearing about Daniel moving on with his life made her feel as if she was drifting off into a side-eddy heading for obscurity whilst life sailed on regardless. Other emotions surfaced. She scrunched up her sandwich wrapper and resisted the temptation to throw it across the room. Instead she bit into the remainder of her roll and ground her teeth on the bread.

  I helped Daniel secure that promotion, whatever it is. I helped him increase his profile, I wined and dined his boring associates. Now I’m struggling to find the money to pay my mortgage and he is swanning around on gardening leave.

  Tearing into her sandwich, Helen tried to decide how to respond. She certainly wasn’t going to tell Maria about the babies now. She had toyed with the idea, not wanting Maria to just think she’d got fat, but unsure whether she was ready for the information to go viral at her old company.

  Let the cow think I’m fat. She’s clearly called me here to have one over on me because she knows more about Daniel than I do.

  “Rumo
ur has it he has a new girlfriend. Is that why you left, did he cheat on you?”

  Helen looked at the sly expression on Maria’s face. Some friend.

  “Enough already!” The words came out with unexpected force. “He. Did. Not. Cheat. On. Me.” She took a deep breath and nearly burst out laughing at Maria’s expression.

  “Sorry. It’s just everyone has said that. Do I look like such a shmuck? No. Don’t answer that. I left Daniel for, well, for other reasons. So, he’s got someone new already? Well, bully for him.”

  She tried to believe her words but a secret hope she hadn’t admitted, even to herself, died within her.

  That’s why he hasn’t called. I’ve already been replaced.

  Another thought followed hard on the first, one even less welcome.

  Maybe he was cheating on me. Everyone seems to think so. Maybe my getting pregnant gave him the perfect excuse to get rid of me.

  She shuddered, as if a cold breeze had washed over her skin. She tried to rationalise in her mind. If he had been cheating on me would he have put so much effort into the wedding plans, in to making sure every element was perfect?

  It didn’t make any sense. Helen could feel her hormones surging, tears pricking at her eyes.

  Don’t let this bitch see what she’s done to you! Keep smiling, keep exchanging small talk. She’s plainly no friend of yours. Don’t give her anything, just get through lunch, walk out of here and don’t look back.

  Helen looked straight into Maria’s eyes and smiled a glittering smile.

  “Have you seen this month’s Femtastic?”

  “The one with Rosa on the cover? Yes, why?” Maria seemed puzzled at the change of topic.

  “I took that shot.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That photograph. Of Rosa. It’s mine. That’s what I’m doing now, I’m a freelance photographer.”

  Maria stared at her for a full thirty seconds, the wind seeping out of her sails, as she tried to formulate a response.

  “Well, that’s great. It’s good that you have a new focus. We did wonder what you would do now you’re no longer working for Daniel.”