Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes

by Amanda Martin

  Could he? Could he really take the kids? Hells must have been going out of her mind. I have been such a selfish bastard. I thought it was all about me, it didn’t occur to me she needed someone to talk to.

  The thought made him defensive. Why didn’t she talk to me? We could have faced this together. Why did she block me out, stupid girl?

  And then shame turned his blood to ice as he realised how his own behaviour must have appeared to her. He thought about her comment the night before, about it all being harder than he had thought it would be. His distance, his aloofness must have appeared to her as indifference. What an idiot.

  They reached the end of the park. Marcio couldn’t think what to do. Should he tail Daniel back to the flat, prevent another meeting between him and Helen? He would do anything to prevent her experiencing any more pain. Should he confront him now, make it clear he had heard every word? He was itching to plant his fist on Daniel’s nose, but he knew that wasn’t the most sensible option, not least because Daniel was taller and broader than he was.

  What would be best for Helen? She needed to know the truth, but would she believe it coming from him? He had hardly made himself trustworthy in her eyes recently. If she still harbours feelings for Daniel she will think I’m interfering. She needs to find out herself, surely, but how?

  Marcio came to a halt, and watched Daniel’s broad shoulders disappear down the road ahead of him. He felt impotent.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Marcio walked the long way back home, to allow Daniel time to say what he had to say. It cost him every ounce of willpower, not to storm back to the flat and have it out with him. After twenty minutes, he could stand it no longer. The twins were getting restless, and he told himself that was the reason he was heading home.

  He found Helen curled up on the sofa, her knees pulled up to her chest, her face almost translucent.

  “Daniel’s been here hasn’t he,” he said gently from the doorway. Helen looked up, her face rigid and pale.

  “It’s okay, you can tell me.” He crossed the room, leaving the twins in the pram in the hallway. “Helen, you can tell me anything.”

  “Yes, he came to see the babies. He wasn’t happy that they weren’t here.”

  “I’m sorry. Did you know he was coming? You should have said.”

  “No, I didn’t know he was coming.”

  She sat silently, and tears began to seep from her red-rimmed eyes. First one, then another, began their slow descent down her cheeks. Marcio thought he had never seen anything so heart-wrenching.

  “Helen, please. Talk to me.” He sat on the sofa, leaving a space between them, not wanting to crowd her. “Please.”

  She turned to look at him, barely registering his face through the veil of fear that clouded her eyes. There was no point concealing the truth. Daniel had reminded Helen that Mike the lawyer was a good friend of his. He’d made it clear nothing was going to get in his way.

  “He wants me to move back in with him,” was all she said.

  “I know.”

  As Marcio’s response infiltrated the fog, Helen turned towards him, her face fierce.

  “How? Have you been spying on me too now, is that it?”

  “Helen, stop!” He reached his hands towards her, but she continued to wrap her arms around her knees. Dropping his arms in defeat, he stared at a stain on the sofa between them and said quietly, “Don’t be angry at me. I know Daniel is threatening to take the babies away. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She seemed to slump deeper into the sofa, as if willing herself to become part of it. She stared at the near-dead flowers on the mantelpiece that Marcio had bought her for Valentine’s Day two weeks before. At least she could be grateful Daniel hadn’t insulted them both by doing the same; as if any of his actions had anything to do with love.

  Love. Does Marcio love me? How can he, when he’s so cold? Why buy me the stupid flowers anyway? What are they, a farewell gift? How did he know about Daniel? Was he listening at the door? Well, I don’t need him. I don’t need any of them. I maybe a god-awful parent to the twins, but I’m still their mum. They’re my children. So Daniel and Marcio can both just fuck off and leave me alone.

  She got up, needing to distance herself from Marcio; his proximity made her feel weak. She walked towards the window, pausing at the door to listen for any murmur from the twins.

  She thought about Daniel’s visit, his threats. He had been so certain of everything, so sure of himself. Helen couldn’t remember the last time she had been certain about anything. He’d tried to tell her he still loved her too, as if you could say that in the same sentence as “I’ll sue for custody” and not sound like a bloody liar. Now Marcio sounded as if he had all the answers as well. Well bully for them.

  “Helen?”

  She looked back at Marcio, still on the sofa, and the fight drained out of her. His eyes were full of concern, of love. His darling face, his dishevelled curls and piercing blue eyes. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, but she knew there was no way he would stay.

  Who could love me enough to put up with the wreck I’ve become?

  “Helen?” He whispered again, as if unwilling to intrude on her thoughts. “Why didn’t you tell me he was threatening you?”

  She turned away, broken.

  “You’re going to leave me anyway, what difference would it make?”

  Marcio got up and walked swiftly over to her, as she stood gazing out the window at the winter dreariness outside. He reached out a hand to touch her, then let it fall by his side. She seemed unapproachable. Already lost to him.

  She could sense him standing behind her. Why didn’t he touch her? Was she so repulsive to him now?

  “Go.” Her voice was low, muffled against the window. “You’ll be better off without us.”

  Marcio felt as if she had punched him.

  “Don’t say that, don’t ever say that,”

  He reached for her again, desperately wanting to hold and comfort her, to reconnect somehow.

  Feeling his hand on her shoulder, Helen wrapped her arms around herself, and shrugged his hand away.

  She sat down at the table, her knees no longer able to hold her.

  “What if he does it?” The hands clenched on the table turned white at the knuckles. “He has enough money to hire every lawyer in town. What if he makes out I’m a bad parent?”

  “But you aren’t.” Marcio hunkered down next to her, resisting the urge to reach for her hands.

  “It’ll be my word against his.”

  “What about me, don’t I count?”

  Helen looked into his face, tight with tension. She couldn’t think straight. Her mind screamed with lack of sleep and too many thoughts. All she could see was some social worker taking her babies while she stood helplessly by and watched.

  “I can’t think about you right now.”

  Marco wondered whether to tell her about the phone call, but he didn’t see it would make any difference. Knowing Daniel didn’t really want her and the babies; that he just needed a family to secure some business deal, would probably finish her off.

  She was right, whatever his motives, Daniel certainly had the resources to make life difficult for them.

  Marcio crouched on his haunches, feeling helpless. He didn’t know what to do; he had no idea how to even begin to make it better. Helen was the most precious thing in his world, and she was suffering, and he couldn’t fix it.

  One of the babies began to cry. Helen rose silently from her chair and headed out of the room. Marcio watched her retreating form in silence.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Helen was running along an endless corridor listening to the sound of her children screaming. They were crying and crying and she couldn’t see them, couldn’t find them anywhere. As she ran faster, her breaths coming in gasps, the crying became more and more shrill.

  Opening her eyes Helen realised she had fallen asleep while feeding, and the sound she could hear was the phone
ringing. Panicked she looked down; convinced she must have smothered the babies. Every book on childcare said to never fall asleep on the sofa with your child. They were both sleeping peacefully: each had rolled away slightly, and was curled on a cushion either side of her, as she sat half reclined, feet outstretched.

  Taking a deep breath she reached for the phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Helen, darling, you sound awful. What’s happened, are the twins okay?”

  “They’re fine Mum. Do you think I can’t take care of my own children?” Her voice shook.

  “Of course I don’t think that. What’s wrong?”

  “Oh, Mum.” She dissolved into sobs, her body shaking. Worried she would wake the babies, she sank to the floor, head in hands.

  “Helen, talk to me. Please. What is it?”

  “It’s Daniel. He wants me to move back in with him. To marry him.”

  “How preposterous. He must know you can’t stand him.”

  Helen was silent, the words refusing to come.

  “You don’t want him back, do you darling?” Her mother sounded doubtful, as if the awful thought had never occurred to her, and now reared its head as a terrible possibility.

  “No!” Helen shouted, louder than she had intended. Jasmine stirred, but settled back to sleep.

  “Then why are you so upset? I don’t understand.”

  “He said,” she gulped. Then, as if the words were wrenched from her, said, “He’s basically said he will have the babies taken away from me; that he will tell the authorities I am an unfit mother, and will file for custody.” The wracking sobs returned, violent spasms all the more terrible for their forced silence, as she tried not to wake the twins.

  “But he can’t.” Her mother’s voice was surprisingly calm.

  “This is Daniel, Mum; he always gets his own way.”

  “I know generally he does dear, but this time I’m afraid he’s out of luck. I looked into it, the first time he contacted you. Daniel can’t take the children because he has no parental responsibility. You weren’t married when they were born, you’re not married now, or even living with him. He can try and maintain that you’re a bad mother, but you aren’t, and no court in the world would take his word over that of your health visitors, even if he tries to discredit you. They’ve been to your house; they know how well you and Marcio care for James and Jasmine. Besides, when he found out you were pregnant he called off the wedding and told you to terminate the babies. That doesn’t exactly portray him as the caring parent.”

  Helen sat motionless as the words sunk into her battered mind.

  “What does Marcio say to all this?” Maggie continued.

  “He only found out a short while ago,” Helen admitted.

  “Why didn’t you tell him sooner?”

  “He’s going to leave me, why make it harder?”

  “Has he told you he’s going to leave?”

  “He doesn’t have to. It’s clear he’s had enough of no sleep and of living with me, as I am. I can’t stop sobbing Mum. Even before Daniel started making threats. I can’t cope with being a parent; I’m just so tired all the time. I feel like I’m going mad. I’m consumed with fear and guilt about everything. When they smile, or sleep, it doesn’t seem so bad. But other times, at night, I just scream at the babies to go to sleep and leave me alone. What kind of mother does that?”

  “Every mother, at some point. Believe me. Babies are tiring, demanding and relentless. Their only consideration is to have their needs met, immediately, and the only way they have of communicating is to yell. And you have two. Most new mothers struggle with one baby in the early weeks, particularly if they’re breastfeeding. How are the other girls coping?”

  “No one else has had theirs yet. We were always going to be the first, even before they were early.”

  “Then, darling, you need to talk to the health visitors, or to Marcio, or to me. Don’t try and cope alone with the emotions and the tiredness. You should have told me, I’d have been straight up to give you a hand.”

  “But you’ve only just left.”

  “Two weeks is a long time when they’re this little. If you don’t want me to come to you, why not stay with me for a while? See if Daniel can come threatening you here! We’ll put Dylan in the yard.”

  Dylan was their goat, who had a tendency to head-butt strangers. The image of him making a run at Daniel was too much for Helen and she collapsed in giggles.

  “Oh, Mum, what would I do without you?”

  “Let’s hope you never find out. Besides, what are mums for eh? So, will you come and visit? I know your dad is dying to meet the tiddlers, not that he’d admit it.”

  “I need to talk to Marcio. If he is thinking of leaving, the last thing I should do is leave him by himself. He might realise that sleeping alone with no squalling babies waking him every five minutes is rather nice.”

  “Have you considered that Marcio could be feeling insecure, with Daniel around so much? Daniel is the twins’ biological father after all. Maybe Marcio feels you would rather the twins had their real dad, and that there is no place for him. He’s already dealt with one major rejection recently, I’m sure he can’t face another.”

  “Poor Marcio, he must wonder what his life might have been like if he’d never caught that pickpocket.”

  “If he does I’m sure he realises it would have been much more barren. He loves you, Helen. And the twins.”

  She paused and Helen could hear in the silence that there was something her mother wanted to say. “What is it?”

  “You know, Marcio would have more rights as the twins’ father if you got married. That would give him parental responsibility you see. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so insecure.”

  “Marcio would never consider getting married, Mum, not after Mia.”

  “Are you sure? Have you talked about it?”

  “Yes, it was one of the earliest conversations we had, one that convinced us we had loads in common. That we’d both nearly tied the knot but hadn’t, and now wouldn’t dream of getting married.”

  “And do you still feel that way?”

  Helen knew the answer to that. She would love nothing more than to marry Marcio.

  Correctly interpreting the silence, Maggie said, “Exactly. You’ve had a change of heart, what’s to say Marcio hasn’t?”

  Helen was waiting in the lounge when Marcio got in from work. She’d showered, put on some make-up, tied up her hair.

  “You look nice.” His voice was noncommittal as he reached over to kiss her cheek. He imagined that Daniel had been round, and that she was trying to look like a competent parent.

  “Please sit down,” she said gently. Marcio looked more closely and saw that she was facing him squarely for the first time in days. He sat on the edge of the sofa and Helen perched on the opposite one, her hands clasped in her lap. It felt rather like an interview.

  “I am sorry I didn’t tell you what Daniel was threatening. I shouldn’t have excluded you. I thought you’d changed your mind about me. About us.” She nodded at the play mat in the corner, where the twins were happily kicking their legs and watching the mobile above their heads.

  “I’m sorry, too,” he said, rising to join her on her sofa. He sat next to her, shoulders touching, and looked at the floor in front of them. “I’ve been an arse. I thought you were going to leave me for Daniel because he can offer you and the twins so much more than I can.”

  Helen turned to face him, looking at the side of his face in surprise. “How could you think that?”

  “It’s been hard to talk to you, since the babies were born, especially since your mum left.” He continued to stare at the floor.

  “I haven’t been coping very well. I didn’t want to burden you, but I am struggling. Everything Daniel said felt like the truth. I am a bad mother.”

  “But you’re not.” He turned then, his turn to study her profile. She looked so defeated. He wanted to shake her, to convince her how wrong s
he was.

  “I know. In my heart I know. I’m doing my best, at least.”

  Marcio took a breath, as if to say more, and Helen held up a hand to stop him.

  “I had a good chat with Mum today. She’s asked me to go and stay with her for a few days. To get away from Daniel. And to get some sleep.”

  “That’s a brilliant idea. God bless your mum.” Marcio tried to ignore the ache in his gut at the thought of being without Helen and the twins, even for a few days. “I’ll miss you.”

  Helen reached over and took his hand. The size of it surprised her and she was shocked to realise that it had been so long since she had touched anyone but the twins anything else felt strange. Marcio put his other hand onto hers and pressed tightly. It wasn’t much, but he would take any contact.

  “When do you leave?”

  “Tomorrow I guess. I haven’t really thought that far.”

  They sat in silence, each wrestling with words that fought to be spoken.

  “Come with us,” Helen said, at the same time as Marcio said quietly, “Am I allowed to come too?”

  “You don’t have to work?” The joy in Helen’s face almost stopped Marcio’s heart. It was as if he had forgotten just how beautiful she was. He wanted to lean over and kiss her, but was scared she would retreat again. As if tending to a mistreated animal he felt the need to proceed slowly, with caution. He focused on answered her question instead.

  “There’s nothing I can’t do remotely.”

  Marcio thought about the phone call he had overheard, and wondered if now was the time to reveal what he knew.

  No more secrets.

  “I have something to tell you, and I don’t know if I should or not, but I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us.”

  Helen looked fearfully at him, wondering what more there could be.

  Marcio explained about what he had heard in the park; that Daniel’s motives appeared to be driven by business. He was rewarded by a look of relief in Helen’s face.