For so many years I swore I’d never be like her. I remember finding pipes and spoons all over the shack she called our home. When she was there, she’d be so strung out she couldn’t function. Accident – it’s what she always called me. I wasn’t meant to happen. I was a waste of space to her life – a welfare check and that’s all.
How does one recover from that?
I joined the military because I wanted my life to stand for something, and for a while it did. I was proud to be a part of something so important. Had I not gotten involved with my ex perhaps I still would have been on the straight and narrow. The thing is, I’d never considered myself an addict until I came home. Joe pushed me to my first meeting, and when that didn’t work, to rehab.
Looking back, it brought Addison into my life. As fucked up as it seemed, I was happy about it. It was still too soon to tell, but I could see us having a good time together, for as long as it was able to go on.
With the wind blowing in her car windows, Addison had the music blaring as we left the little swimming spot. The sun was starting to set and we both agreed to pack up before we were eaten by mosquitos, plus we were starving. Instead of going back to the ranch like I feared, Addison found a sun dress in her trunk. Actually, after looking inside I’m pretty sure she had enough clothes to go out of town and never need to buy anything. The girl was a pack rat. Her explanation was that when she worked at the hospital she never knew if someone was going to throw a drink or a food tray at her. Though it never happened as of yet, I understood the need to have something to change into. Since I knew Joe was working, we headed back to my foster parent’s house. Her face and shoulder were sun-kissed from basking all day, so I offered her the shower first. She took her time making her way to the bathroom, stopping to look at photos on the walls. “You’re in a lot of these.”
“This was where I grew up.”
“Yes, but if they didn’t love you they wouldn’t keep remnants of your life out for everyone to see. I think it’s genuine.”
“Or they feel sorry for me.” I changed the subject, because talking about my upbringing was off limits. “If you don’t get a shower, I’m jumping in first.”
“Does this bathroom have a lock?”
“Does it need one? Are you still worried I might take advantage of you?”
“I’m not trying to lock you out. I’m trying to keep myself in,” she snickered with her response.
I lifted my finger to point right at her. “You’re bad. I may need to start worrying about your intentions.”
She closed the door as she explained. “You just might.”
Some people might have felt offended after the day we’d shared together, but not me. I knew on the other side of the bathroom door was someone who made me smile. For the life of me I couldn’t remember the last time I’d known someone who could do that. What started as flirting had blossomed, and I couldn’t wait to experience more.
Addison didn’t take long in the shower. When she came out she had a towel wrapped around her head. I could already tell she wasn’t wearing a bra under the thin dress. Her nipples were hard, and as much as I would have liked to avoid looking, I couldn’t prevent it.
“Do you want me to wash your dirty clothes?”
“No. I’ll do it when I get home.”
“Are you going to stick around for a while?” I asked.
“Did you want me to leave?”
“No. Not really. I was thinking we could watch a movie, or order something to chow on.”
“I’m so starving I could eat a whole cow.”
I scratched my head but kept a straight face. “A whole cow, huh. Well, I don’t know anyone who can deliver that within thirty minutes or less. How about a pizza instead?”
She playfully shoved me. “Smart ass! Where do you keep the menus? I can order us dinner while you shower.”
I’d like to say we spent the night in my old room, naked and in bed, but that’s not what either of us allowed. Addison nestled in my arms, resting most of her body over mine while we watched two movies and ate an entire pizza. When it was getting late she stood up and said it was time to leave. Since I knew Joe would be returning home at any minute, I figured I’d rather keep the peace, at least for another day. I didn’t need him starting with me to ruin how perfect it had been.
I walked Addison to the door, pouting the whole way. “I guess I won’t see you until tomorrow night. Are you going to pick me up for the meeting?”
“Sure. Same time as last one.”
I took her hand and pulled her into my arms. “You should text me when you get home safe.”
She bit down on her lips and smiled. “Okay.”
“Can I get a kiss goodnight?”
She nodded and brought her lips to mine. What was supposed to be a goodbye had quickly turned into, oh please can’t you stay, but we both knew we didn’t want to rush. We didn’t need to. “Sorry. I got carried away.”
“Yeah, me too,” she agreed.
“This is nice, right?”
Addison nodded. I could tell she hated losing the battle, but enjoyed the perks of the day more. “I guess I’ll text you later.”
I held her hand until she was too far to keep it. Then I waved as she climbed in her car and pulled away.
This was bad.
But it was also so good.
Before I got over my head I’d have to tell the truth. She deserved to know. It wasn’t right to have such a big secret. I couldn’t afford to have her hate me.
As I stood there watching her brake lights disappear, I knew I had to be the bearer of bad news. I didn’t deserve something so good – no one in my family did.
A short time later I heard the front door opening. Joe came in and tossed his keys down on the table. He took one look at me and then the empty pizza box. “I forgot you’d be here.”
“Bringing a hot date home with you?”
“Nah. I’m holding out for a particular girl. I’ve had my eyes on her for a while now.”
“Oh really. Anyone I know?”
“As a matter of fact, you do. It’s Addison. Do you know she stopped by to see me unannounced the other day to let me know she was interested in making sure you were going to do well in rehab. Don’t you think if she wasn’t interested in me she wouldn’t have made a big deal about you? I mean, I guess she’s playing hard to get or something.”
I wanted to laugh; throw it in his face how wrong he was. She hadn’t been there for him. She’d come for me. In the entire time living under the same roof as Joe I’d never felt dominant, but in this moment I had him by the balls, and it felt damn good. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Damn, you ate a whole pizza yourself?”
“I, uh, ordered it earlier in the day. I had it for lunch and dinner.”
Joe shook his head and headed into the bathroom we shared. “I assumed you’d at least go out and find a job, instead of sitting around doing nothing all day. When are you going to get it through your head that life isn’t handed to you. You’ve got to work for it.”
I sighed and retreated to my room before I could say something that would only cause tension; something like the fact that I’d spent the entire afternoon with Addison in my arms, while we made out like teenagers.
Once I was behind the closed door, I plopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I already had a job, though he wouldn’t have approved. Joe didn’t think being a tattoo artist was an occupation, because it was a hobby. He didn’t get it. There wasn’t an artsy side of him.
My phone vibrated a few minutes later. I didn’t have to look to see who was texting me. I knew it was her, but before I could reply Joe came in carrying a bra. “What the fuck is this?”
Addison obviously forgot it. “Has it been so long since you’ve seen one that you forgot what they look like?”
He didn’t find my comment amusing. “What’s it doing here?”
“I had company earlier.”
“What kind of company comes over and
leaves their bra?”
“The fun kind, obviously.”
He tossed it at me. “I don’t want strangers in the house. Do you understand?”
“You’re not my dad, Joe. I had a friend over. She changed in the bathroom. It’s not a big deal.”
“Who was it?”
“You wouldn’t know her.” In my honest opinion Joe didn’t know Addison. If he did, he’d realize she wasn’t at all into him. “Give it a rest. We can’t all be graced with mad pick-up skills.”
“Whoever she is, I hope she runs for the hills. Anyone who gets involved with you is asking for trouble.” Joe closed the door leaving me alone again. I held up Addison’s bra and laughed to myself. Had she left it for me on purpose? I really wanted to know.
Chapter 9
Addison
My drive home sure was full of thoughts. My day with Cole had been fantastic. I thought I’d regret how close we got, but I didn’t. I felt alive, happy even.
As soon as I said I was home to my parents, I hurried up to my room. Texting him was my first priority. Like a fourteen year old girl would do with her crush, I dialed his digits and wrote my message.
Had a great day. Thank you. I’m home safe. – A
I figured he would write me back immediately, but it took him a few minutes.
I’m still thinking about it. I don’t think we kissed goodbye enough. – C
Maybe I wanted to leave you begging for more. – A
Beg? I’ve never had to do that. – C
By the way, you forgot your bra. Don’t worry I’m going to sleep with it on my pillow. Oh, and Joe is the one who found it. I didn’t tell him who you were. He gave me an earful about how he’s waiting to make his move. – C
His move? On who? – A
On you, precious. He thinks he’s going to slide on in and get into those black panties. Little does he know you took them off after your shower. – C
That’s not even funny. Could you see through my dress? – A
Even though we’d clearly been doing a lot of touching, Cole had kept his wandering hands above my waist. I feared my dress may have been slightly too sheer.
No. I could only see how fucking hard those nipples were. It took all my strength to keep from asking if I could suck on them. – C
I blushed. Even though he couldn’t see me I was getting hot all over again.
At the exact moment that happened my mother came barging into my room. She stood over my bed looking down at me. “What’s going on?”
“Huh?”
“Addison, you rushed in here, avoiding us, and now I find you all flushed. Please tell me I don’t have to start worrying.”
“Mama, you don’t. I promise. I went swimming with some friends today, from the hospital,” I added. “I’m blushing because I’m texting this guy I met.”
My phone vibrated in my hand, but I didn’t dare look at the message. I couldn’t let my nosey mother see Cole’s last text.
She sat down on the bed. “Does this guy have a name?”
“It’s too soon to talk about it. I don’t want to jinx it.”
She tapped me on the leg. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“More than okay. I promise.”
Finally, when she was done making sure I wasn’t high, she left the room.
I checked the message on my phone, almost laughing out loud at his text.
Are you pissed at me? I’m sorry for saying you have nice tits. – C
My mom came in the room. – A
It’s like we’re kids again. – C
I know. I feel like we’re being bad. I better get back to studying. Good luck with your job in the morning. I’ll pick you up tomorrow night. Clothing is optional. – A
I was only teasing about the last part, and was thankful when he responded back with an equally playful message.
If you’ll be naked, I’m game. – C
Goodnight Cole. Thanks again for today. You were right. – A
I always am. Sweet dreams, precious. – C
It took a while for me to be able to fall asleep. When I did I was fully involved in recapping every kiss Cole had placed on my lips. I could still feel them there, and the roughness of his facial hair just starting to turn to stubble. His hands, so strong as they held me in his arms. This was what I feared would happen if I let myself live, if I allowed myself to feel something for a man. This was the start of something new, but I worried that with the good there would be bad. Knowing that scared me. It petrified me to no end.
That next morning I was due to visit with the staff of a new medical facility opening up. I was to drop off my business information and speak to the staff regarding my program schedule. Sure, there were lots of places to meet for addiction, but I pride myself in making my groups a place where everyone felt, not only welcomed, but comfortable.
Like every new project I went in full of hope and left with uncertainty, not because I thought it wouldn’t work out, but more so that I hated the idea of ever being a disappointment.
By lunchtime I couldn’t focus on anything, reminding me again why dating someone I had to keep a secret was a terrible decision. I skipped eating anything on account of feeling sick to my stomach. Before things got more heated I had to call it off with Cole. It was for the best.
Putting on a happy face around my parents wasn’t an easy task. I wanted to reach out and tell them I’d met someone new; someone who made me smile again, but I knew I couldn’t. They’d want to know more. They’d find out where I met him and then they’d beg me to end things. No matter how I tried to wrap my head around a way I could keep seeing him, I knew it wouldn’t work.
On my way to pick up Cole, I felt horrible. It wasn’t until he climbed in the car when I knew things were about to get worse. “Hey. How was your day? Mine was long, but I know what will make it better.”
He leaned over and awaited a kiss. I moved my head away. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
“Why? What happened?”
I covered my face with my hands. “Nothing happened. It’s what will happen if we continue.”
Cole opened the passenger door back up and got out of the car. He didn’t lean in to ask me to reconsider. He didn’t look back to see if I was paying attention. He simply walked back into his house and shut the door.
I hadn’t cried in a long time, but for some reason disappointing him hurt me. He was looking for someone to connect to, and when he found it I’d let him down. I hated myself for putting us in this situation. Worst of all, I knew I couldn’t stick around to make it right.
I waited a few minutes hoping he would come back out and say something to make it all better, but he didn’t. Since I had to be at the church, I couldn’t take the time to hunt him down and apologize.
That was by far the worse meeting I’d ever experienced. Every single person who shared reminded me of Cole. Every empty seat represented him not being there. It was heart wrenching.
I thought after some time he would have called or sent me a message, but after I cleaned up and locked up the church my phone had no notifications. Sadly, I drove home feeling like the biggest jerk.
For the next three days I didn’t hear from Cole. I worried he was using, but kept it in the back of my mind so I didn’t have to feel like any more of a failure. After four days I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to know he was okay. I had to make sure I wasn’t the reason he went back to his addiction.
The tattoo shop wasn’t hard to find. He’d told me about the location when we spent the day together at the lake. I think the complicated part was finding the courage to walk inside knowing he wanted nothing to do with me.
I didn’t know what to expect when I first stepped through the door. The sound of the someone getting inked was apparent. As the door shut it made a jungle sound. From behind a half-wall someone stood up to greet me. “Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for Cole. Is he here?”
“Hey, Cole,” he yelled toward the
back of the building. “You’ve got company.”
Then I saw him, emerging from his own cubicle. His eyes met mine and I could tell he was frustrated. He said nothing as he grabbed my arm and led me to a back room. Once inside he closed the door behind us. Supplies were on shelves on either sides of the walls. “What are you doing here?”
“I needed to see you.”
“Why? I think you made it abundantly clear we needed to steer clear of each other.”
He was being so distant. I hated it. “I didn’t mean that we couldn’t hang out. I just said the other stuff should stop.”
“Yeah, well it’s fine. As you can see I’m busy. I need to get back to work before I lose this gig.”
“Cole.” I reached for his arm. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine. I always am.”
“Wait. Don’t leave. I, um, I want to get a tattoo.”
“Yeah right.”
“No, I’m serious.” I pulled up my shirt to reveal my midriff. “I want a large group of flowers with my family name incorporated into it. If you can’t do it, I’ll go somewhere else.”
I was frank. Perhaps I needed to be to get his attention. I don’t know why being his friend meant so much to me, but it’s what I wanted.
“First off, it takes a while to draw it up, and second, you need an appointment. I’m booked up. Maybe it’s best if you find someone else. I’m sure the last thing you want is someone like me touching you.”
“Like you?” I didn’t understand.
“Yeah. Come on, Addison. You know I’m different. You’re ashamed to bring someone like me home.”
“What? That’s insane. I would never say that.”
“You didn’t have to. You spent one day with me. You don’t owe me anything. If this is some attempt to clear your conscience, don’t bother. I’m good.” He started to leave the room again with me standing there. “I made you a promise, Cole. Please don’t walk away from me.”
Addison Page 7
